sto, ily

ah yes. my first actual outing since last monday (when i got the h1n1 diagnosis), was to the rink. and it was great. and hour and a half of a lung, head and pore clearing workout...plus, i got to hit stuff. it was perfect. other than that...hmmm. yeah. uhm. well, i got my own starship in star trek online, aka, sto. since i didn't get physically to leave the house, or even hang out with anyone (due to mostly being highly contagious and deadly with a cough), i joined the ranks of millions of other geeks and started playing an mmo. and ya know what...i freakin love it. like srsly love it. problem is, i'm too busy for this. i have a website that needs attention asap but all i can think is about how i can squeeze in game time. i'm thinkin twice a week i can spare a couple hours. in fact...wait...what am i doing here? i should be there. i have no kid tonight and i don't have to be at work until six am...so i have like, eight hours to play. heh. just kiddin. really.

this sucks

photo shoots and fun this weekend with friends and family. (see more pics here)

h1n1 on monday.

i'm the first confirmed case in two years in my area. i have parts of me hurting that i never knew existed...random skin in the middle of my back, joints in my hips and my lungs. my lungs are on fire. and ya'd think sleep would feel good but laying in bed makes me hurt more than it feels good.

five-ten days...quarantined basically. goodbye kid's christmas party at school, goodbye christmas present making with MY class and goodbye christmas, period. i already lost my 30th bday and halloween due to strep and sinus infection...and now christmas. i think i'm gonna sit back and let the depression sink in now.

i just pray my kiddo stays healthy...

"but feelin' good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues. hey feelin' good was good enough for me..."

(dad found this baby for me...it's in amazing shape for being over seventy years old...)

(this one is a birthday present from a couple AMAZING ladies. they know me well and i love them dearly. this one's also over 70 years old and looks beautiful!)

all right. yesterday's unproductiveness bug was squashed by today's awesomeness foot. i had an incredible photoshoot this morning (a sample of it is here...), and with the help of an AMAZING laptop (which is vista-herpe free), my wacom tablet and lightroom...i have made a family quite happy and made myself feel great again--in RECORD time. i haven't been ignoring my camera or my photographer roots as of late...though it would appear, by my lack of content, that i have been. i've actually been incredibly busy with my baby...it's just been in work form. i took over a preschool classroom and have been feverishly working to bring my room up-to-date. there hadn't been a full time teacher in there for months and the room needed major help. it's now quite current, but it's been consuming. everyday i'm working with photos...just nothing i could ever post--as to think of my kid's teacher posting photos of her would irritate me, highly.

anyway...

the day started with a cup of fresh, hot coffee and is now ending with a glass pinot grigio and a delicious crockpot meal of black beans, brown basmati rice, salsa, corn and topped with cheese and sour cream. all ya need is some fruit to make it a complete meal. oh wait! apple pie! yay! okay. i don't really know if that counts either, but whatevs. i think it could. kinda. i mean, it contains apples. and it is homemade, so i know they're real. a friend's on his way over now...he's got some hard stuff happening at home and just needs some beer and a mind-clearing space to chill for a bit...or so. oh and yes, more music. lots and lots of music lately. currently, listening to man in the mirror and missing my man. too bad we never got to actually make out. like, for realzies...not just in my weird little mind. and now willie...

then there's tomorrow...i've got stuff to do tomorrow. a dad to watch the game with, a hospital visit to make, a grandma to have a late lunch with, plus a sick kid to attend to and a nephew to babysit. then there's the work...a curriculum to work on for the next month of preschool, some final photo edits and a disc to burn. so, back to normal, i spose?

oh breaking benjamin...you sound so good.

hmmm. i think i wanna watch a movie and possibly have another glass of pinot. i think? maybe an adventure flick of some sort? wow and now tracy byrd. okay...maybe i just need to keep the music going...this is incredible. it all just sounds so good and i'm completely sober...

crap. i have a really scattered mind tonight and i know that means i need to shut it down or the next thing ya know...i'll have a mural painted on my living room wall. or a new, self-inflicted haircut, or something....

i will leave you with this tidbit of awesomeness though...

and after nine rounds with jose cuervo
they were counting me out and i was about to give in
then after ten rounds with jose cuervo
i lost count and started counting again...


oh! oh! oh! and also:

sometimes it makes me want to laugh
sometimes it makes me want to take my toaster in the bath

okay. i'm done now.
bed it is. this is getting ridiculous.

I to the R, to the random IS her

(that chair back there. that's where i reside today. with a dog at my feet and music in my head...)

(yep. this dog. she's my excuse for the random, stare-out-the-window, breaks. also...ya see that poor, leafless plant? yep. that's the one...)

ugh.

the goal today...sit in office/studio and WORK. workworkwork. so far, i've created a wonderfully spacious, and green, room for my brand new koala webkin and also, i've eaten a lot of pie. and drank tons of yesterdays cold coffee. and watched a squirrel with my dog. and thought about watering a wilting plant (which i STILL have yet to do). oh...and hung out with a couple of weirdo children.

work hasn't been accomplished. thoughts of it have though.

i started a productive blog entry too...which i thought would be great to finish and post today. it's an, iris-is-all-over-but-just-not-here, sorta blog. basically, it chronicles all i've been doing lately, in case anyone [but me] cares to see my life on display. and i do actually. like see my life on display, that is. well, i kinda like it. it's decently interesting. (and trust me...i stare in that train crash sorta way too.) it must be some sort of disease all bloggers have actually--narcissism. oh, but here i am instead...writing nonsense, not working, killing plants and ensuring my jeans will, uhm...shrink? that's it. they'll shrink...my ass won't grow.

i wish i had more coffee.

also...in the list of productivity killers up there, i totally forgot to mention the amazing soundtrack i have playing. just awesome, hot cocoa for the ears, and thoughts, sorta music. hmmm. not entirely sure on that either, but the look on my face while writing those words probably woulda made it make sense. sigh. i know. that was weird too.

anyway...favorite lyric of the day, so far:
in a parking garage by the theatre
we met for a movie
every scene was a sign
we made out through their meaning

just awesome. 'every scene was a sign...we made out through their meaning.' friggen perfect.

oh! and then there's the WAY out in right field lyrics:
life don't go quite how you planned it
we try so hard to understand it
irrefutable, indisputable fact is
it happens
ain't no rhyme or reason
no complicated meaning
ain't no need to over think it
let go laughing

what else?? i could be doing laundry too, i spose. since the whole computer thing isn't working for me. but that sounds even worse than this. well, not that this is bad or anything...it's just unproductive. i spose i could justify this in the fact that i have NOT had a four day weekend in forevs. even when i was deathly ill, or semi-deathly ill, or just ill...i only missed a half day of work. and tomorrow, i have a photo shoot, so that's something. i do fully intend on backing up my computer today in order to install windows 7, instead of this terrible vista-herpe ridden machine i've been settling with. and i need lightroom back on here, bad. i can't function without it.

oh! i know what i can do! i've acquired two new, old, amazing cameras that need to be photographed. both of them are from the late 30's. i'm not sure either of them will be functional...well, the falcon miniature i have a strong feeling could produce some magic, but i have no film development area. which, now that i bring it up, is my next major project. well, after the website. but they're totally different things...retro vs techno. well...not like bang,bang,boom,boom,boom,bang,bang,wicky,wicky,bang,bang...techno. the word was a combo of retro and techie. which you probably figured out before the explanation actually...

ok. this blog is jumping the shark again. maybe a whale this time actually. it's time to make myself do something...

((ten minutes later))
client phone call has been made.
productivity level maxed out.

oh yeah.
the plant.

ohohoh! and now:
i ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
i'm fine and dandy with the me inside
one look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
i don't give a hoot about what you think

no, i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care

plop, plop, fizz, fizz...

(one day...i ventured into the backyard for this tidbit i've entitled, tie dye fall. i can't even imagine ever being a photographer anymore. all i can do is sleep...)

as i sit here, working up the courage to down two more amoxicilin pills, i'm thinking, 'wow, it's been awhile since i blogged.' i debated a glass of wine tonight, mostly in order to reclaim some sense of normalcy, but actually drinking any wasn't something i could make myself do. my stomach is already upset enough from the 1500 mg of antibiotics i'm swallowing daily and wine didn't seem like it'd be a polite addition to the fire. so, i went for an english muffin and a glass of milk instead.

my new job is attempting to kill me. i inherited a classroom at a very bad time of the year in the way of sickness and the age group i work with is still working on those basic things like, well, wiping their own noses. i ended up, within my first two weeks of work, with both strep throat and a sinus infection. in fact, these last two weeks have been nothing but a fever and/or drug induced blur. it's all ran together like one big, long, bad day. i had to smile for my class photo today...i looked terrible. my hair was sticking up, my skin was ghostly and my eyes were watering. i guess it'll be a reminder of how lousy i felt? either way, i'm on the mend now...after a shot of penicillin and now antibiotics, i can at least swallow again and hey, it's 11:00 and i'm still awake. i don't actually remember the last time i've made it past nine.

i'm thinking tomorrow, i may attempt laundry or some other household chore that desperately needs to be accomplished. hell, i may even dust off my camera and do something, anything with it. also, i might wear something other than sweatpants.

both halloween and my 30th bday were ruined due to being sick. i canceled my own halloween party and my birthday, well, i haven't even had the energy to shop with the money that's been given to me. i received some incredibly thoughtful gifts and have hardly even acknowledged them due to the fact that nothing but work and the kid have been on my priority list--and i've struggled with both of those.

anyway...that's where i've been at. sick.

and this is the best i can do tonight...

i think i'm fallin for you...

i just had to make you share in my fall glory :) other than that...nothin going on. just the usual. busy and broke.

the other

(one of the musicians warming up for saturday's rainbow rumpus event...)

so. i know i've said this before but...i'm starting another blog.

i mean it this time and i swear it'll work. it's my OWN blog this time so i'm in control of it and it's my professional-ish blog so, i'll have to watch the swears i spose.

this blog though, my iris blog, will become the red-headed stepchild that never gets spoken of over there--on the nice blog. and this blog however, my iris blog, my first-born, will still be here...just like normal. because really...what would you do without this whole mess of, well, me?

the nice blog

w.b.e.

(the top one, i call...texture. the rest, i call...sheep)

so, one day, a friend says, 'you have old lady hands.' i've been working on that ever since...my nails are long and uber-shiny and i've been searching for a good lotion to help my hands not look old-ladyish. so far, so good...

sigh. that was on my mind, since i'm typing. anyway, today was field trip, day one, with the kid. we hit an old farm from the 1800's. i think that's a staple of the little kid field trip--old farm.

regardless, it was really cool...especially since it's a place i've driven by a hundred times but never had reason to stop. the lousy part though, the farm, combined with the rain, have kicked my october allergy's into full effect. and, it sucks.

ya know, until i had the kid, i had never had an allergy in my life. after i had her, every october, i got a massive sinus infection. after three years, they allergy tested me and told me it's allergy's...so now, i get to endure extreme sinus pain until a deep freeze, but avoid the infection if i just keep taking claritin-d. anyway, when the allergy's first hit, they're terrible. hence why i have bengay on my forehead right now. last year, i smeared it on my sinuses and the fumes burned my eyes worse than anything i had ever felt in my life. i need to go stock up on meds tomorrow...and hope for an early couple of freezes. the meds ward off infection, but not pain...the freeze kills the pain. regardless, this is terrible. the pain is awful.

why am i telling you this? between old lady hands and sinus infections, this has to be one of my worst blogs ever.

it was either this or charles in charge...again...

(top two photos taken through a rainy window, hence the foggy feel...)

(not through a rainy window...)

i'm layin in bed, watchin 'gimme a break' and wow 80's sitcoms bordered slapstick comedy. i don't even know why i'm watching this show but it's super pretty good. i don't know about that last phrase either. my crappy sleeping habits have made me into a pile of crap today. it's my day off and i'd love to finish deep cleaning the kitchen cabinets/drawers but that isn't happening. i think i'll run to the store to grab the cheeses i need for dinner but am dreading having to clean the kitchen again before starting to cook. i clean that damn thing everyday. maybe i'll just start packing up my art room closet. oh my gosh! they're just discovering a rubik's cube! and in the last episode, they talked about being fat and not making kids clean their plate if they're full because it's not healthy and can lead to a a lifetime of over eating. this was 1981 folks. and oh my gosh! i have that same sweater!

i need to get up. also, i possibly need a new sense of style...

taylor beat me to the punch with this one...

(thank you stranger lady at the parade...it's the first rose i've touched in years...)

ya know, i know. i know i'm gonna sound like a pissed off, bitter, whiny girl in this blog, but ya know what, i am. i posted that whole blog awhile back about being better at walking away than dealing, but when i stop and deal, i turn into that pissy, bitter, whiny girl i mentioned above. and anyone who knows me, knows that i will avoid conflict in nearly anyway possible...even if it means forgiveness where it shouldn't be or never opening my mail; i just ignore and focus on something that feels better. i blame hippies...

anyway...i'm here. i'm focusing now. and the little i do know about me in relationships is that i'm always a better friend than girlfriend. fine. i totally get that. friendship requires respect both ways and i'm really good at seeing through everything to see the good deep down--even in lousy people. one side effect of that: i get resentful while trying to be a girlfriend. it never feels like it's fair. like, i'm just some stupid puppy that'll get kicked and then keep coming back to lick the foot that kicked me. eventually, the puppy will bite and when puppies are always getting kicked, they'll always start biting and by that logic, i'm turning into a crabby old dog!

ok. so...if you love someone, or respect someone, why do you kick them? you don't, right? (sorry...had to stop referring to myself as a dog there...i was freakin myself out.)

i thought about how i looked to a neighbor the other day when she stopped over. i was in sweats, carrying a laundry basket. our conversation kicked off with me complaining about the twelve loads of laundry i had that week. i had cleaned my bedroom, the bathroom closet and the kids bedroom and had way more than normal. i had a broom against the wall and the vacuum cleaner in the living room. my kid was running around with a hula hoop and my roomie came upstairs asking if i could give him a ride to work (he has since got a job with me and got my bike stolen--so, my job is also him for the foreseeable future, i imagine, until i either a) use my truck to bring him home a new bike or b) as i was told tonight, make more money.) typically, i run into my neighbor's husband while i'm mowing, weeding or shoveling. last year, he came over to help me shovel...that's when i wonder what they think of me and my life--like all couples, they talk. i start to feel so pathetic and honestly, embarrassed. i'm so tired of people joking that they wish they could find a 'chick like me,' yet i'm constantly made to feel as if i'm not enough--there's a major disconnect somewhere in there. and as i'm being told that, until i make more money, i've now inherited a 35 year old man as my child as well and it's that simple...i silently wonder why i'm doing this. i bit and just now, i licked. we're cool. everything is good. and tomorrow, i'll get the kid off to school and i'll finish deep cleaning the drawers and i'll be home when she gets home and i'll go to work in the evening, with the guilt of knowing how stressful it is with your schedule to be home on time for me and i'll bring my roomie along with me and then home with me, and if i don't smile you'll get quiet and moody with me, so i need to smile....

and who treats someone like this? and then blames them? and i know you're gonna be mad about this and i'll deal with that later but in the mean time...here's some reading material for ya...

article one

and two

and three

and four

five

and six

and seven too

and the song that just KEEPS running through my head...wonder why?

and, see, told ya up there how i was gonna sound...all my links refer the bitterness i mentioned. i think i nailed whiny and pissy with my words already.

bottom line...chicks don't post this shit unless they're really pissed about retarded men in their life and ready to snap. if i could throw this all into lyrics, i could sell a song. you can be as mad at you want but women are, plainly and simply, driven by emotion. everyone knows that. men have so much damn power to turn that emotion into one thing or another. i think it's funny that men who don't know how to treat women always end up dating women who are crazy, right? it must be the women. really. it's not that the men get pissy, because the women is, and next thing ya know the woman's an old dog biting at everything and he's miserable and it's all her fault.

treat a woman good, she'll be good to you...treat her bad, don't expect her to stay any longer than she has to...and don't you dare feel sorry for yourself when she does walk out for good on your ass--you know you didn't deserve her anyway, especially, considering you routinely questioned why she put up with you in the first place.

((delete))

(((flashback...right. you're just the same...don't even go all tys on my ass...)))

things'll be great when you're downtown

(re-do...all done. i need a road trip. even a, kid's-are-at-school, day trip, an hour and a half away trip...i need a road trip.)

i need to start keeping notes. i, so often times think, 'i want to blog about this! i'll do it tonight!' then, inevitably tonight comes and i forget what 'it' is. so...here i sit. wondering what to write about but knowing i have a writing bug that needs to be squashed. squishing a real bug though, is something i'd never purposely do. sure, an ant gets stepped on here and there but that's not intentional, that's divine intervention...or something. this weekend, i bet i got bit over 100 times by mosquito's and never squashed one. if i was to have slapped myself that many times, i would have ended up injured. (i also have no mosquito bumps though...they were tiny mosquito's, maybe that has something to do with it? i credit bug-karma.) i did end up injured, i guess, but not from bugs. (i realized today that i haven't been bee stung this summer, btw! i get bee stung pretty much every summer...i haven't mowed over any hives either though this summer.) i got injured from weeds actually. i brushed against something that made my hand break out in about twenty, white, blistery looking bumps that burned and itched so bad. they're now just deflated looking red bumps that don't burn or itch at all. i mostly did cutting this weekend. all-in-all, i cut down ten trees in various stages of growth and i made the man chainsaw down two more big ones, as no one seems to trust me with one of those things. i got slivers, chipped my nail polish (which i also learned is the same color as my blood) and i have scratches all over my arms, but the yard looks good at least--me, on the other hand, whole different story.

this morning, i did get to get pretty (despite my perma-crabby demeanor, as of late, bumpy hands, chipped polish and scratched up arms) and enjoy a wonderful brunch, downtown. al vento. amazing. their eggs benedict and their whipped cream...perfection. seriously. i never write about food like this...well, maybe i do here and there, but this was the best food i've ever written about...despite what i may have said back then. i didn't know what i was talking about back then. my kid dug their chocolate fountain and the fresh strawberries and i just marveled in it all. and so veggie-friendly! thank you urban dining for being able to, so beautifully, healthily and effortlessly, incorporate beans and fish and eggs [not riddled with sausage and bacon] into your, from-scratch, menu. i also wasn't the odd man out when it came to the clothes i dressed in! thank you urban fashion for not consisting of various shades of khaki and perhaps, if feeling daring, a tiny splash of maroon (not red though...too bright...). it was great to wear my hair, my necklace, my skirt and my shiny zebra shoes out loud and to feel normal while doing so. typically, i try to be me without being too loud and that starts to get frustrating. then i go crazy and drink wine and cut my bangs so short they stick straight up.

i know, i know. whatever. shit happens. they've grown out quite nicely since...

((awkward silence))

yup...uhm, down to the eyebrows now and looking sharp--like i meant to do it. i mean i did. i meant to do it.

((rocks on feet, scrunches nose))

i mean, actually, i had planned to cut ALL my hair...common sense did kick in. really. obviously. right? totally...





((walks away mumbling about them twins))

this calls for a toast...

(more re-do's...)

well, i got the volunteer position i really wanted. it was competitive! background checks, references called, interviews and competition--but it was worth the month of effort. i'm one of three photographers signed on with the local publication, Rainbow Rumpus. it's a online/print publication/magazine designed for kids, and primarily by kids with glbt parents. there's just a handful of women making it a reality and i feel really honored to be a part of it. (seven, eight of us maybe??) i am in the first batch of photographers ever be 'signed' on and i feel like i really have a voice with my work and how it gets to where it needs to go. i feel incredibly honored that i get to use my camera to capture an incredibly underrepresented group of children within our society and within the media itself.

i love kids. i love families. i love having a gift that i can share. and i love seeing people passionate about what they believe in. this embodies all of that...

i hate seeing children who are made to feel as if they don't count in their own life...because the life they were blessed with isn't wholly accepted by all of the country that they were born in. makes no sense to me. i want to give them some sort of a voice and photography gives a voice. it makes people feel like they belong somehow--if it didn't, photography wouldn't be what it is today... (have ya seen this? these are old photos taken when photography was brand new. after a loved one died...families panicked due to having no remembrance of them--so the dead family member was 'posed', and often times things like eyes and 'color' were edited in after the fact--long before the days of photoshop, of course. proof positive, the power of the portrait...)

my job with the publication will be to attend to events and take family portraits as well as photograph the event itself. the job will be to make the website and magazine colorful and representative of the folks who read it. i'm excited for the challenge, as i feel like i'm stepping into a whole new world on so many levels...

warning...this may make sense?

(beautiful sunday, sunset in the country...)

gosh this first day of school was great.

i mean, don't get me wrong, i LOVE playing, event-planner/mediator/friend/server/chef/personal trainer/accountant/stylist/housekeeper/launderer/nurse/disciplinarian/teacher/co-worker/chauffeur, on TOP of being a mom, for twelve straight weeks, twelve hours a day...but it gets tiring. i had two nights off during the whole summer and not one day...except when i went to work--though most of the time, the kid came with. and don't get me wrong...i'm NOT complaining, but good lord, back-to-school is a much needed, breath of fresh air.

i really didn't do anything today...i cleaned the kids room, as i thought that would be a nice surprise for her to come home to. i cleaned the house and worked on trying to conquer the eleven loads of laundry that have been growing and taunting me since the end of this past holiday weekend. oh! i did get to enjoy a cup of coffee while running a few errands--in peace. the kid's taking the bus this year...it's the first time it's been offered in our area and wow, is it awesome. i do everything for her and i get to step back with this...though it is weird not being at her school everyday--but i actually get to step back :) it's good for both her and i.

she's in bed now...the school thing brings a nice, 7:30 bedtime, so i'm peacefully enjoying a bowl of fully-loaded mashed potatoes, complete with veggie-bacon, and a glass of white wine. the two go surprisingly good together...though the wine itself it quite terrible. (gnarly head, chardonnay, 2007. it got fabulous reviews and scored 92 pts, plus it was under 15.00...i thought, wow, can't go wrong with that! well, yeah. i can. it is good, but i can't enjoy it for some reason. it's not my cupcake sauvignon blanc...but then again, nothing is.)

as for the rest of this week...i have errands and a pie date/therapy session with my bff scheduled tomorrow. it's our weekly thing when the kids are in school, though the last time we had it was april? our schedules/lives got insane there and nothing matched up...so, tomorrow is long over due. thursday brings a meeting at a cake joint for a volunteer position with a local magazine...it's not much, but i love what the magazine stands for and will have photos published on a monthly basis--hopefully, i get the spot. they seem to really want me as they've checked my references, done a back ground check and are determined to meet up--but, it's competitive. i just want to do something different with my camera... and then friday, another meeting.

this blog feels really, uhm...journally to me. normally, i rant incoherently until i get tired of listening to my thoughts mumble on and stumble about like ozzy osbourne; tonight, i'm coherent? this is odd. oh! i watched the movie contact last night! what a freakin good movie. i didn't expect it to be like that, and i even almost cried...it was really good. after that, i broke down and took something to sleep. saturday night was another 5 am night, then sunday, i camped out and insomnia took over then too. it was good to sleep last night...maybe that's why i'm coherent today? hmmm. go figure.

this calls for chips and salsa. (damn...the chips are stale :( )

this whole insomnia thing is back. i shake it...then it comes back and starts shakin me.

last night, my kid got hit with it too--so her and i and the dog went on a midnight critter hunt. we found a toad the size of her hand and a fuzzy spider eating a juicy meal along with tons of other bugs and moths and imagination-inspiring ideas. tonight, it's just me. the dogs snorin and the kid is busy with a sleep over. i kept laying in bed thinking, 'any minute, i'm gonna fall asleep...' then, the minutes kept on changin and i kept on starin at 'em all lit up in red...and with each minute that passed, a new thought of failure entered my mind--so, i had to get up. my stomach was starting to hurt and i was feeling like i might throw up at any given second. i figured it was healthier to get up and do anything, rather than lay there and allow the acid to completely burn away more stomach lining.

ya know, now that i think of it...this is the first time i've been able to sit down in silence since i woke up today. today's project (and my least favorite in a week full of deep cleaning projects), was the fridge. something had been spilled in there awhile back and instead of anyone cleaning it up, it was left for me. you'd think someone had seen something but, like every crime that goes directly against the one in charge...nobody saw nothin. so, today, with the help of a metal scraper, boiling water and chemicals, it's finally cleaned up. any day that involves brown goop with dog hair and a dead gnat or two stuck in it is a good day, right? sigh. oh! i made a cake! i worked for a long time on it, and low and behold...no one even touched it. i'll bring it with this weekend when i head out of town...someone'll eat it. i did manage to squeeze lunch in and to add a few blood red streaks to my hair before having to leave for work though. then, while at work, a co-worker had her bi-weekly booty call coming over and since it was dead at dinner and i'm broke, i figured it was a sign, i should stay late. it wasn't really. no one else came in and i spent the night being made fun of for this oddity or that. then, i went to target for ice cream sundae making's for the ^^^above mentioned sleepover, caught the score of the vikings game in the car (but wished i had courage/time enough to make an impulsive stop at the bar to watch it) and arrived home with just enough energy to make myself a bowl of cottage cheese for dinner.

i'm so tired. and so empty feeling. but i can't shut down. mostly though right now...i wish i had a couch in my art room. i fell asleep sitting up in here in monday, a day after this bout of insomnia started--i won't be doing that again any time soon...my neck was in SO much pain. i might need to break down and take something tomorrow. i hate taking anything but i have to be AT work at 6 am on saturday and that's gonna suck.

tomorrow is closet deep clean day...hopefully i have the energy, because i need to keep on working on my chore chart. and the guy wants a shelf in the bathroom for his stuff. and winter is coming so i need to make room for all the scarves, mittens and skates. and my art closet should be paired down and packed away. and the kids closet needs to be sorted better. and once again, my stomach is burning. that's how fast it happens! like a finger snap and i'm ready to cry. this is stupid. and i want to wake up...but i can't even fall asleep...

'i kick it like adidas, flowin sticky like adhesive'

well, after a good night at work and a long week of reality, i'm treating myself to jim beam and quesadilla's. it's so simple and, like the jelly belly bean splurge of the other night, so perfect.

tonight, i've decided to thought bubble. i'm not sure exactly what that means either...but basically, this blog will be a whole mesh of thoughts...separated by double colons. (so basically...leave NOW if you don't feel like being subjected to TONS of randomness...)

tomorrow, packing food for haiti with the kid::i still need to submit references for the magazine i'm applying to be a volunteer photographer with::how did i forget to START the car but still managed to put it into reverse and roll down a hill, while assuming i had started it? thank goodness for bff's who yell...'hey retard! you need to TURN THE KEY!::i love job's where i make 20 an hour in cash, plus a minimum hourly...but, could i turn that into a business? with a poofy dress, an apron and a tray, could i 'host' private parties? i had an opportunity to do just that but couldn't make it work, schedule-wise. this economy could really benefit me in that sort of a venture. people aren't renting larger spaces as much, so staying in, with a 'host' coming to them, could really work...can i be that motivated? i would have LOVED a host at SO many of my parties. i have people willing to come aboard with me already::why, when you put too much lime away into a dishwasher, why does it bubble out the sides and ALL over your floor? i hope i didn't destroy the floor...::i'm so sick of being yelled at. i am ready to be done with fights. there's only been two, but it's been two too many...eye-to-eye is so much better::dang...my quesadilla is gone::i wonder where my boy bff is? he's totally m.i.a.::i gotta do more work on my kid's girl scout website...that's my role in her troop and i'm slackin::i feel really bad, that in my last blog, i called that camera stupid. it's SO not. it's a 1978, polaroid 600 series. i only called it stupid due to a fight i was in. it's not though. polaroid is stupid for not making the 600 film anymore. that camera, and the two bucks i spent on it--completely worth it and totally NOT stupid. someday, fuji, or an independent market, will pick up film production and i'll be ready. fuji makes film compatible with older model polaroids so it'll get there. the camera i got was a great buy. it's beautiful, and shiny and fully functional--flash and all::what the hell am i doing in life? chasing dreams? probably...but why do i feel like i can?::i love the new b.o.b song, magic, but i LOVE it SO much more now that i know the weezer front man sings the chorus::i heard my old high school crush, the one i just ran into, is a total douche bag. i heard that because i e-stalked him, found a mutual acquaintance (my bff) and inquired (while trying NOT to be completely creepy for inquiring about her co-worker's, ex). he's SO cute still though...ass outweighs cute though any day::why do i feel like i'm the most mentally stable one lately? i'm so sick of dealing with insanity! it makes me insane too! i happen to be quite chameleon-esque; so, when i have all the crazy in my life, i feel it too. when i'm away, as i like to be lately, with my family, i feel functional. there's no room for crazy when you have a fishing pole in hand::i'm not sure what that last thought meant either, but eureka's a great show::that sounded crazy didn't it?::yep. it did. but that show is darn good::

ok. i feel better now. i'm not sure any of that made much sense, but darnit, i feel better.

sunset to moon up, i felt good...

today, i bought a stupid camera that i can't get film for.
i ran over a curb because i forgot to see if one was there.
i overflowed a cup, flooding the counter, because i neglected to turn off the water when i heard a song i liked.
i got incredibly excited when i won big on the webkinz wishing well.
i chased a sunset and lost my breath when i saw the moon...but i never once, not even for one second, felt embarrassed about who i am until i spoke to you--and i never once felt so stupid for all that i'm not, until you spoke to me...

the butterfly story

(butterfly, day one. this is as far as she'd venture outside her box...)

wow. that last post was number 400. how sad...i didn't even celebrate it with cake or anything. and i would have gladly taken that as a wonderful excuse to have cake. then again, i don't need much of an excuse to have cake. bday cake is the best though. the kind with the butter cream frosting...((insert homer drool noise here...)) yep...definitely one of my all time, favorite foods.

anyway here's the point of this blog...so, my kid and i found a butterfly. well, actually, my dog found a butterfly that couldn't fly--so we first, saved her from the dog and second, saved her from all that would have loved an easy meal. my theory on it was that in the dreary, muggy, soggy mess we called last week, she probably emerged from her cocoon. her wings were perfect, and healthy looking, but, like paper that gets wet, they were curved. apparently, that makes flying next to impossible as every time she'd try, she'd drop down with a tiny thud. i always see butterfly's sunning themselves, opening and closing their wings, but there hadn't been sun in awhile and the air was so saturated with dampness that she'd probably never really got to flatten out from being rolled up.

so, we crafted her a home from an old banker box. we filled it with grass, sticks, an old pear that i was gonna toss and a pot of pink impatiens. we propped one of the lights for my light box up and shone it in on her. it was a 100-watt bulb, so it definitely added some warmth. we left the cover off all the first day, as she couldn't go anywhere anyway, and she was perfectly fine just hangin out...well unless you gave her a finger to crawl on, then she'd want to be on you.

day two: she was still alive and trying to fly; surprisingly, she was getting better...so we moved her, and her surroundings, to an old birdcage and added sugar water to her diet of old pear. the birdcage was much bigger and she couldn't just fly down into the dog's mouth while practicing or anything, though she could squeeze out if she wanted--she just never tried.

day three, today: it was gorgeous outside. muggy stuff, gone. rain, gone. sun and wind, here. i decided to move the cage outside and as soon as i got her in the sun, she started opening and closing her wings and sunning herself. pretty soon, she was flying around her cage. we decided she was doing great so we freed her, only to have her start off incredibly strong, get hit by the wind and wind up flat on the ground. we scooped her back up and popped her right back in her cage. it sucked having to do that and our once tame, friendly butterfly didn't seem so happy anymore. anyway, we checked on her a couple hours later and she was gone! we're guessing she slipped through the cracks of the cage and simply flew away...which is all we wanted and were incredibly happy to see!

i love butterfly's and so does the kid--it was SUCH a cool experience to get to see one so close and all her parts...we watched her proboscis unwind as she ate food (and as she attempted to eat my shiny bracelet), we saw her turning her head as if she had a neck, we felt her sticky little feet climb on us, we studied her wings and the white dots on her thorax, we learned about her enemies and, best of all, we got her back to healthy. normally, butterfly's go so fast and want nothing to do you with you so you so this was an incredibly cool experience all around.

hmmm. that's the end of the butterfly story. i thought it was a pretty good one...though i may be a bit impartial. oh! i found this wonderful site that matches volunteers with opportunities. it's updated everyday. currently, my kid and i are looking forward to trying a few new things...first up, packing food for haiti...

anger to inspiration...

(stand behind, support, teach, let them fly...)

can you picture Jesus Christ holding a political sign?
campaigning for a certain political party?
the thought of that makes us roll our eyes in a blasphemous disgust.
if i were to illustrate a picture of Jesus with a Nixon button...what would you think?

as Christians, where do we need to be? what matters should we trouble ourselves with? with a candidate? with big button political issues? or maybe within, helping make our communities stronger, better, more wholesome places for our children to be raised? i am so appalled by things when i take the time to look them square in the eye. any church that troubles themselves with the affairs of washinton is as guilty as the politicians in their level of corrupt. change starts in your neighborhood...and as the future generations move around, they will take the messages we teach them into their new communities. you don't need messages to be taught in schools, you need them taught at home. you don't need to change curriculum, you need solid parenting and to teach children that condemning others does not promote Jesus's message. you don't need to outlaw abortion, you need to make sure mom knows that if she chooses to keep that baby, it will be loved in her community. you don't need to outlaw gay marriage, you need to embrace solid families for children as they ARE the future and too many of them are being raised terribly in hetero homes already. those are political issues that have sneaked into our minds, soaking minds with dark negativity, shielding us from the light of our true spirituality.

i could make a solid argument that the devil is winning in his deflecting...turning us against each other in the name of Jesus. but really? have we fallen for that? we have so much wrong with our nation and we are so stupidly under the belief that if we change one major city to believe what we believe, it will all just magically get better. what an idiotic way to think! let the government rule our politics, let us rule our spirituality.

i challenge people...the next negative thought you have toward someone for thinking differently than yourself, recognize the negativity and pray for peace within your own mind. a genuine peace that will help someone...not just try to sway someone--if intentions are not pure, then neither will the deed.

as an artist, i recognize that without our differences, SO much beauty in this world would be lost....and yet condemning someone for thinking differently you is a justifiable hate for so many. if you are not my color, of my beliefs, of my political mind...i can hate you because my belief states that i should. i will accept Jesus's word over your word of hate any day...

i do question my own intentions for writing and consequently posting this as i'm typically the one in hemp preaching to legalize marajuana and keep choices in the hands of the women who are fully capable of making them; however, this morning, while watching a documentary called, Jesus Camp, i just couldn't take it anymore...sitting silently with my pipe and writing to myself about these things. i've started to pity people over time who are hooked on the political drug and use it as a platform to spew hate veiled with a thin layer of concern. i've started, over time, to feel superior to those poor saps waving red, white and blue signs on a street corner, as i know that my daily work with children and art is making a million times more of an impact than they ever will. and it's within those thoughts that i realize i'm just a hypocritical as the people i shake my head at in a combined state of pity and sympathy. and in the same way i challenge you to turn your negative emotion into genuine positive, i challenge myself.

it's time to step away from washington and look out my own front door.
it's time to realize that my daily choices effect the earth more than my words will ever effect my senator and to keep the word of Jesus alive, our earth needs to be here.
it's time to chose humble over boisterous.

it's time to study the word and ignore the words...

hey there sexy...long time, no see...

(the beginning of the beautiful 15 ft long ivy plant given to me by my grandma...all i could think was, please don't let me kill it...)

o.m.g.
i'm writing again.
and it feels incredible...
like an itch that's needed to be scratched for so long, that i've never been able to reach...
ya know the kind way down in your kneecap...yeah. it's like that.

i mean, sure, i'm writing here...and it's for all to see. but the stuff beneath what's visible in this surface blog are the things that write the history books. they're the things that people dig for for years and are priceless to whomever may be in the market for them; but, to the rest of the world, they're most likely just garbage--however, to someone who's been looking, there's unimaginable wealth in that find. in my letters, my sentences, my paragraphs...it's simply sorting through all my brain can't seem to figure out...and to me, that's priceless.

i'm quite certain my studio room has now made way for a writer's den as i seem to lose myself in here for hours at night lately. i know this will fade--as i'd be a fool to believe, or put stock in, anything otherwise; but, for now, i will ride this wave...because when it breaks, through past experience, i know that catching a new one may prove to be impossible for many moons to come.

i thank my writer's brain for never leaving me...only being muffled temporarily by all the noise around it.
i thank my writer's brain for sifting through the insanity, only to find a deeper insanity that keeps it effortlessly, and eternally, inspired...

that kinda sounded like an emmy acceptance speech. it wasn't meant to be...as mostly, i'm not even sure what an emmy is. is that music? no. that's a grammy, right? it must be tv or movies then. hmm. there is a google bar up there ^^^. but yeah. i don't even care enough to spend the ten seconds it would take to figure it out...

wishin i was ten again, so i could be your friend again...

(taken by 14 yr old me while hiking in glacier nat'l park. these shots are taken while going through logan's pass...)

oh! so i love my new project!

here's the how's of how it was born:
i was sittin at my dad's house, all alone, in complete quiet, road map in hand, thinkin' about where to go next with my camera...i was all geared up and rarin' to go. however, the problem with that scenario didn't lie within my motivation, my gear, my lack of a plan--as i never have a plan, or my creativity...the problem lied within the fact it was 93 effin degrees outside and the air was so dense you could nearly swim through it. so, i sat there, back pack on, pettin a purring cat...tryin to push past the lazy feeling the afternoon was forcing upon me--and i just couldn't do it.
so, i sat there.
feeling like a loser.
a sweaty, cranky, loser.
and then i started thinking about how long i've actually had a camera in my hand...thanks mostly to my dad and christmas. i started thinkin about how badly i always needed to have a working camera and film in order to feel complete. i started thinking about all the camera's i've been through and all the pictures i've taken over time. and then i started remembering the genuine excitement every time i'd develop a roll of film and how i'd pick out, so carefully, all of the best shots; how i'd sort all my photos into piles and change my fav's from each batch time and time again. then, i started thinking about all the time i'd take, carefully laying out my photos in an album and how much thought i'd put into the order of them, to make it make sense. then, thanks to all of that and to being at my dad's...i remembered the photo albums that i had worked so hard on, with the pictures i'd taken so much time with, were right there, in that house, behind an opening in the wall!

at that moment, i decided to re-master; to take my old, and digitally alter them into new. the same...but fresh. something with new life. i could finally give that work the attention i had wanted to so badly back then but couldn't...because the means didn't exist.

so...that's what i've been up to! like when george lucas digitally remastered star wars; it's like that. hmmm. well, my pics are gonna actually get better though...

tomatode

as i write, i'm licking my lips (in a fairy tale cat sort of fashion, i suppose), lost in the lingering taste of the salmon burger, topped with fresh tomato, that i just ate. i skipped the bun, skipped all sauces and spices, skipped everything but that piece of salmon and the tomato slice i put on top.

hmmm. this is a terribly boring blog so far.

hmmm x 2. i wonder what happens if you eat too many tomatoes...now that i think of it? (look...i never promised it was going to get better with that statement up there ^^^; i simply stated it was boring...so, don't hold your breath in hopes of a michael bay-esque writing scene. or do if it's suicide you're attempting, i don't care. you may just succeed after i'm done here...) i've added tomatoes to two of my three meals for a week now. lunch today: rice with cheese, tobasco, soy chicken and tomatoes. dinner last night: rice with tilapia, topped with cherry tomatoes. lunch yesterday: open-faced egg salad sandwich, topped with, you guessed it, a tomato. dinner the day before yesterday: ok, i actually don't remember that...but, i know it had tomatoes in it somehow too. my garden just keeps throwin 'em at me, so, i keep eatin 'em. and i've learned that if i add tomato, i don't need anything else. no sauces, spices, fats, nothin...just tomato.

ok. this is ridiculous. i've been writing for 15 minutes about tomatoes. hey! i wonder if too many tomatoes can make you cramp up so bad while running that each step feels like you're being stabbed or ripped apart inside? that happened to me yesterday. i had to hobble a whole mile home. it was terribly embarrassing and terribly aggravating--as i got completely screwed out of a good run. too many tomatoes can't do that...can they? no. i don't think so. i hope not anyway! that would be awful...they're my friends, right? RIGHT!?

omgosh. ok. enough! this blog entry needs to be put out of it's pathetically, boring misery. tomatoes, cramps, running, days of meals, more tomatoes, this is insane.

hitting, publish now.

(oh heyheyhey ps...you dead yet from that suicide attempt? i hope not. i have like, uhm...three readers any you're one of them...and without you, i'd be down to like, 2 or somethin.)

i love you cupcake

so. guess what? i found my favorite wine.

i discovered her on saturday while walking through the wine store, took her out to our best friend's 10th wedding anniversary party and fell in love.

her and i had a wonderful night together. we started off slow but by the end of it all we had had a great snuggle/laugh session with our best friend, played 'have you ever' with a bunch of people we hardly knew, figured out/planned our sister's wedding for whenever it may or may not happen, lost our shoes and the keys to a vehicle we hadn't driven in days yet apparently still felt the need to bring, ate six hour old food that had been at room temp the whole time that made us sick and made us cozy up in bed and fall asleep before even hitting the pillow.

it was a great first impression and i can't wait till we hang out again. someday. but no time soon. i'm still recovering our last bout...

wait for ME...

this last year has sucked and there's no promise of anything getting better anytime soon...

i mean...i'm here. my health is better than it has been in the recent past and that's really what ya need to keep moving on--but shit...at this point, i have no idea where i'm going. i have no answers. no security. i have no realistic knowledge to even fall back on.

i just know that with all my heart i'm trying to take what i've always wanted and make it real for my kid. i have no mentors in that field and i even fail when i think i'm doing good but i'm growing everyday and learning from myself, if no one else. i mean, i've never been one to ask for help anyway...i've been garden grown with a do-it-myself mentality, as that's how my life has shaped me. however, as a child, i despised that mentality in grown-ups...adults were all so foolish in their stubbornness.

so now, i'm supposed to just know what to do. and how to do it. and how to hold it all together--and when my strongest role-models in that area are the sitcom moms and dads of generations past, it's no wonder i always feel as if i'm failing and am never really sure how to win. i'm in this world with no road map. no how-to manual. no parents to ask for advice as to how they did it through really hard times. what they taught me was to walk away when things weren't working and, of course, they had their reasons, as everyone does, and i understand--but it sure as hell hasn't helped me now. two generations of broken families and divorce to fall back on...how am i supposed to just get it? to just feel anything but the need to find my own way, to focus on only me and to hide when things start to go bad?

the one who i need, i walk away from because that's what i do. he's the one who knows how to hold it together, and he has the keys, but i'm too retarded in my own past to get it. he has more patience for me than i've ever, in my life, seen anyone have for another person and i can't understand it. i think for the first time ever though, it's making me feel better about who i am as opposed to worse...

argh...sighfucksigh.

(that was a swear sigh. nothing peaceful or serene about it. it's kinda like sitting down to a great book with kids running and screaming all around you.)

obviously, i need to sleep now...i'm exhausted with so much.

big al

well, i'm feeling not-as-cranky today.
i shot a little after a storm, which, i've discovered, is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
i talked to my grandma and then i talked to a friend with whom i haven't spoken to in months. it was so awesome to have him give me shit for falling off the face of the earth and then to instantly have him back...gotta love unconditional friendship.
i haven't had any coffee today, but i've ate well and i plan to go to sleep soon...but first, i'm finishing out my night with, allosaurus: walking with the dinosaurs--bbc documentaries are wonderful.