(thank you stranger lady at the parade...it's the first rose i've touched in years...)ya know, i know. i know i'm gonna sound like a pissed off, bitter, whiny girl in this blog, but ya know what, i am. i posted that whole blog awhile back about being better at walking away than dealing, but when i stop and deal, i turn into that pissy, bitter, whiny girl i mentioned above. and anyone who knows me, knows that i will avoid conflict in nearly anyway possible...even if it means forgiveness where it shouldn't be or never opening my mail; i just ignore and focus on something that feels better. i blame hippies...
anyway...i'm here. i'm focusing now. and the little i do know about me in relationships is that i'm always a better friend than girlfriend. fine. i totally get that. friendship requires respect both ways and i'm really good at seeing through everything to see the good deep down--even in lousy people. one side effect of that: i get resentful while trying to be a girlfriend. it never feels like it's fair. like, i'm just some stupid puppy that'll get kicked and then keep coming back to lick the foot that kicked me. eventually, the puppy will bite and when puppies are always getting kicked, they'll always start biting and by that logic, i'm turning into a crabby old dog!
ok. so...if you love someone, or respect someone, why do you kick them? you don't, right? (sorry...had to stop referring to myself as a dog there...i was freakin myself out.)
i thought about how i looked to a neighbor the other day when she stopped over. i was in sweats, carrying a laundry basket. our conversation kicked off with me complaining about the twelve loads of laundry i had that week. i had cleaned my bedroom, the bathroom closet and the kids bedroom and had way more than normal. i had a broom against the wall and the vacuum cleaner in the living room. my kid was running around with a hula hoop and my roomie came upstairs asking if i could give him a ride to work (he has since got a job with me and got my bike stolen--so, my job is also him for the foreseeable future, i imagine, until i either a) use my truck to bring him home a new bike or b) as i was told tonight, make more money.) typically, i run into my neighbor's husband while i'm mowing, weeding or shoveling. last year, he came over to help me shovel...that's when i wonder what they think of me and my life--like all couples, they talk. i start to feel so pathetic and honestly, embarrassed. i'm so tired of people joking that they wish they could find a 'chick like me,' yet i'm constantly made to feel as if i'm not enough--there's a major disconnect somewhere in there. and as i'm being told that, until i make more money, i've now inherited a 35 year old man as my child as well and it's that simple...i silently wonder why i'm doing this. i bit and just now, i licked. we're cool. everything is good. and tomorrow, i'll get the kid off to school and i'll finish deep cleaning the drawers and i'll be home when she gets home and i'll go to work in the evening, with the guilt of knowing how stressful it is with your schedule to be home on time for me and i'll bring my roomie along with me and then home with me, and if i don't smile you'll get quiet and moody with me, so i need to smile....
and who treats someone like this? and then blames them? and i know you're gonna be mad about this and i'll deal with that later but in the mean time...here's some reading material for ya...
article one
and two
and three
and four
five
and six
and seven too
and the song that just KEEPS running through my head...wonder why?
and, see, told ya up there how i was gonna sound...all my links refer the bitterness i mentioned. i think i nailed whiny and pissy with my words already.
bottom line...chicks don't post this shit unless they're really pissed about retarded men in their life and ready to snap. if i could throw this all into lyrics, i could sell a song. you can be as mad at you want but women are, plainly and simply, driven by emotion. everyone knows that. men have so much damn power to turn that emotion into one thing or another. i think it's funny that men who don't know how to treat women always end up dating women who are crazy, right? it must be the women. really. it's not that the men get pissy, because the women is, and next thing ya know the woman's an old dog biting at everything and he's miserable and it's all her fault.
treat a woman good, she'll be good to you...treat her bad, don't expect her to stay any longer than she has to...and don't you dare feel sorry for yourself when she does walk out for good on your ass--you know you didn't deserve her anyway, especially, considering you routinely questioned why she put up with you in the first place.
((delete))
(((flashback...right. you're just the same...don't even go all tys on my ass...)))
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