what a difference a day makes

(after a self-induced, 'find-some-color-challenge' this is what i reverted back to good 'ol b & w)

yesterday, it felt like it was spring. today, six inches later, i finally found the excuse to buy the cute fedora i've had my eye on. i had a gift card and the inspiration was literally falling from the sky...well, blowing somewhat horizontally from what i'm assuming was the sky; either way, it was definitely a hat wearing kinda day. between the new hat and the beaver i met, it's been a pretty good day...despite the blizzard.

i'm diggin the whole writing three times a week thing...i love posting new pics but the words are often times hard to come by. i mean, i could bore ya'll with some melodramatic poetry or whiny crap no one needs to hear about but, alas, that's only entertaining for a day or two...and mostly for me. i've also noticed that i have a tendency to very easily write about what's bugging me and forgetting about the stuff not irritating me. it's impossible for me to be pure, happy and simple and still find inspiration to write. there are no words when i'm content but, the second even one minor note of of dissonance flows into my life, the words, and the emotions come rushing out like sixteenth notes onto my paper. it's unstoppable. i feel so much better after the fact; unfortunately, i have a tendency to freak people out when i do that though. it's give and take i spose. in fact, iris fact of the the day, i have purposely kept myself living in the filth and squalor of my own misery just to have the ability to keep the words flowing. i know it sounds psychotic to some, ask a writer though. seriously. they'll agree. i don't like calling myself an artist because i don't think i really am but, i really do think like one. a cup a psycho i tell ya...mixed with a pinch of sane...or, vise versa, depending on the day...

spring...is that you...?

one day...you'll feed me little plants :)

(our baby plants...i got the outside garden ready yesterday...it was a lot of hoeing. hee hee)

i had such a good day; it deserves a few words. i went antique shopping, aka, treasure hunting with a good friend today who enjoys antiques as much as i do. (that's rare. most people just roll their eyes.) i found an apron that i fell in love with and consequently bought. i also found a wind chime--i love the sound of them outside in the summer--and then some sun glasses. i can't wait until garage sale season :)

*whew*sigh*

(my tiny little bird house in one tiny little part of my yard)

ya know, it's really hard to make myself write everyday...i try but, well, i get bored listening to myself rant and rave about well, nothing.

go figure...i bore myself...usually, it's only me that thinks i'm interesting in the first place...that's pretty bad. yeah, anyway...

so, instead of continuing this argument with the dry sponge as to whether it will or won't give me water, i'm simply going to step down to three days a week with the words. i'll still have a picture up everyday though.

hmmm...this just feels so wrong...i set out to do this and now i'm not... it's just that i always quit everything my OCD starts and i really don't want to do it with this one as well. well, not that this is too impressive of a goal, a blog, but it was a goal nonetheless. i think maybe if i adjust my 'mission statement', so-to-speak, i can justify this in my perfectionist head of mine...

i am officially adjusting my goal to better suit my life right now i guess. i will be writing three times a week and posting a picture on a daily basis from now on. whew. there. i said it. hey, i feel better already :)

and tired wins tonight

(the GIANT glass ball hanging from the theatre ceiling...it's always been one of my favorite things)

i went to see if you give a mouse a cookie tonight at the children's theatre. it was wonderful. the guy who played the mouse was hilarious. my kid laughed her little kid butt off...and come to think of it, so did i.

...one is silver but the other's gold...

so, i have three best friends. they are all amazing in their own ways and they are all so different. here, let me give you a brief run-down of the team, in NO particular order by the way...

numero uno: my partner. my co-parent. my polar opposite. one of the coolest dudes ever (second only to my dad of course;)). he actually puts up with me and loves me so unconditionally it hurts sometimes. he listens, he protects, he laughs, he yells, he knows when to put his foot down and he knows when to let me run. he has faith in me and has been my biggest fan for years now. he has the most unique tastes in things, can hold a conversation about any topic on this earth and had the drive to, at 30, completely uproot everything he knew to do an absolute 180 with his life and follow a dream. he makes me laugh, he's an amazing father and he's always there when i need him...and with me, that seems to be like more often than not...i have a tendency to get lonely fast. he's outgoing and i'm not. he's tech savvy and i'm really not. he has patience with things that i roll my eyes at and he pushes me when i'm more in the mood to flop my lazy ass down in life.

dos: she is incredible. she laughs at farts, burps and butt cracks and swears like a sailor. she drinks and smokes and is perfect for me. we can fall out of contact for a week or two and then when we pick up the phone to talk to each other, it's like we never missed a beat. i can confidently say that she is the best girl friend i have ever had in life and i have only known her for three years or so--i am so proud to be a friend of hers. she is a nurse, a mother, a wife, a friend, a chef, a party planner, a gardener, a drinking bud, a shoulder to whine on and a million more things that i don't have the time to list. she listens to me and does her damndest to smack sense into me when i'm getting stupid...which is more often than not i'm afraid. i absolutely love this girl. she is perfect in every way.

tres: he's known me since i was 18 and put up with a lot of me. he knows enough about me to sink any political career i could ever have in about three seconds and with his knowledge could also sink any relationship my unorganized heart is trying to hold down. he has all that knowledge but would never hurt me with it; he just listens...i trust him with not only my life but also with the life of my child (who happens to love him too). i tell him my snot colors and he tells me about his endless adventures in the never ending quest to get laid. he's been there for everything and then some and i love him for it more than he'll ever know. i've watched him grow from a tall skinny kid with no direction other than that to a bottle of beer to a soldier in charge of keeping our country safe. he is incredible.

so what does this intro to the tri-fecta have to do with today's blog? well, i screwed up with numero tres. big time. i spaced on the fact it's his birthday. in what little defense i do have, i have written the wrong date all day today; i wrote the 25th on everything i did. other than that, no, even with that, i have NO excuse. my dad even called to remind me two nights ago. i need to take a step back from my chaos. seriously. i am busy but there's no excuse to be a dick. i need my friends...without tres...shit, i would i have been lost SO many times. so...many...times. i'm not super good at making friends that stick and there's NO WAY i could replace the three i just listed so, i need to be better. especially to him. i am really sorry. i will make it up to you. i swear...you name it...i'll do it. i'm so sorry.

i'm late...late, late, late, late, late...

(my cake)

today, at 6:50 am, i decided to hit my snooze for the extra ten....what could it hurt? i'd just take a quicker shower and get dressed extra fast to make up the difference in minutes. i was just so comfy. and then, at 7:00, i foolishly did it again. like i said, i was just so comfy. anyway, because of that extra snooze...i have been ten minutes off ALL day. i was ten minutes late out the door, ten minutes late to work, to lunch, to getting home, to pulling dinner out of the oven, to brushing my teeth (if i woulda done it earlier, i wouldn't have ate that piece of cake) and finally, to going to sleep. i really need to crash...i'm probably over ten minutes late on that one though, huh? i am so tired tonight, i just couldn't sleep last night...or the night before for that matter...it was a four cup morning today. tomorrow's going to be a six cupper at this rate...

i even cleaned the fridge. i hate that one the most...

(during my two hours of freedom...i ended up in the armpit of the metro area. yay)

i cleaned my house for just over six hours today, did three loads of laundry and then i baked a cake. i'm really tired. wow, martha stuart must be absolutely exhausted each night...

and a happy easter to you too

(not sure about the whole cat thing yet...this ones my sis's...it permanently resides at my dad's house though)

so, i meant to explain why i didn't write anything the other night...we had friends over, played rock band, drank beer, smoked cigarettes and played cards. i would have been fine to write after they left, if i hadn't become so outrageously crabby. you see, it all started as my best friend started whooping my ass at cards. i was losing by over 100 points when i said quite loudly...I'M DONE. i've never been a graceful loser. i can not tell you the number of boards, from candyland to cribbage, that have been thrown over by me in an unsophisticated, juvenile fit of rage. i'm the worst if i'm winning, winning, winning, and then all of a sudden losing. the worst is trying to teach my kid how to be a good sport...again, it's a do as i say, not as i do kind of situation.

anyway, today was a good easter. i used to have this dreamy little vision of big family dinners, delicate pastel-colored spring dresses, giggling children and warm sunny afternoons...then, i remembered that is SO not me. today was an easter egg hunt through cubicles at my guys work and then pizza and egg dying with my dad. it was so perfect! seriously. i loved every minute of it. well, except for the headache that attacked me after i gorged on peeps...but, that was a bit self-induced if i do say so myself.

little lessons

(i only like cats a little...but my best friend's cat, named camo, is quite beautiful...for a cat and all that is)

this afternoon, i spent a good chunk of a minute trying to pick a tiny hair out of my coffee with my lasagna fork. (coffee and lasagna for lunch...don't ask.) it seemed like the right thing to do.

later, when i got a chunk of spinach in my mouth my mouth while drinking my now cold coffee, i decided that probably hadn't been right thing to do after all.

(i forgot how fun dying eggs was...oh yeah, and messy too)

happy spring :)

(there you go babe...our first, and probably only, artistic collaboration)

since it was the first day of spring, i decided it was time to throw on the old shorts. i mean, this is the day i've been waiting for since this damn winter began way back in the fall, october to be exact, of '07. it's been the longest winter i remember in forever. it's been cold since october and it's been snowing since then too...and i LOVE winter. it's my second favorite season (fall is first...winter kinda jipped me out of the last one though) but, this one has been feeling long even to me. so anyway, today, it was time for shorts. the only lousy part about it, was that it only made it to 34 today and we're under a winter storm warning as i type. damn. i know it's just gonna melt but still...whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah.

pictured below: me in shorts. yay. look at how my wonderbread white legs glare back at the sun like that. i think i made the sun squint for a change. oh well, shorts did feel psychology nice...physically, well, that was whole different story. and then, to top it all off, everywhere we went, my guy would decide to have a cigarette outside just to see me freeze a little more each time. it was mean, i know...but i probably woulda done the same thing had he been irresponsible enough to wear shirts on a thirty degree day. i love irresponsibility.

wow...lease it for only 299 a month...?! sweet.

(sometimes, i need a little warmth...helps me not feel so cold. all right, that was a bit redundant, i know)

so, here's what keeps happening...my day goes great. i'm excited to go to work. i like my job. i'm excited to come home. i love my family. i'm excited to stay up with my guy and do friend stuff after the kid goes to bed. even watching a movie with him is exciting to me...he's so cool. then, we sit down to watch a movie and five minutes later, he's asleep. i turn off the movie and lay there. it sucks. i miss him. his work schedule is horrendous. i understand...but, i really do miss him. it's so selfish of me. that's also what pulls my blog down to the mucky piles of goo they've been lately. i write after he crashes...when i'm feeling freshly forlorn. i'm not the kind of person that deals well with feeling lonely. i turn into such a baby. those that know me well probably already know that...it's really not a secret.

i just saw jay leno was coming to mystic lake. i guess he tours now or something. did johnny carson do that? it seems weird. maybe he's having his show there...? who knows. i think i'll watch more spanish channel. oh, never mind. it looks boring. can't understand what they're saying either way, so what does it matter...? oh, it's premier impacto. it's the all futball, all hour show. i hate this show. tomorrow, i'm going to go refill my color ink cartridge so i can do some picture stuff here. i have all these random frames that could use some love. that should keep me busy for awhile anyway. i'm planning to send a shot off to shutterfly to get turned into a 20x30. it's 25 bucks so, i should probably make sure i have a purpose for it when it shows up at my door. it just seems so narcissistic to have my own work in poster size on my own wall. then again, spending hundreds of dollars on some strangers work seems a bit more absurd i guess. it's not like i'm putting up a poster of a head shot of myself or anything. i'll probably just lie and say it's not mine either way. i do it all the time with my work. it's like being little and having someone bust you singing in a mirror when you think you're all alone. they might genuinely have loved it but, it's deathly embarrassing for you. i typically use the garage sale find line. i'll probably do that again with whatever i find to blow up. did anyone see that college road trip movie? it looks dreadful. how does a script like that not only get the green light, but also millions of dollars to be produced, when people all over america are struggling just to feed their families...? what a load of shit. wow! star wars something or other is coming to the omni...? that's so cool. i just got us a membership to the science museum which comes with free omni tickets. ok, this just passed the point of pathetic...i am now commenting on commercials just to write. see...i told you lonely and i don't mix well. i am blogging about commercials i'm hearing in the background...wow. good night.

neon, aqua-net, leg warmers and win by a nose

(and the snow. all the snow. all the snow, snow, snow, snow)

so, tonight, i decided it's time for me to post one of my earlier, more classic if you will, works. it's an oldie but, a goodie. it always makes me feel better when i read it and, it reminds me of who i truly am on the inside...

12-27-88

Dear Diary,

Today I wasent feleing good I had a sore thout I had to take a nap. And my Dad came over and we played win by a nose and it was very funny watching Amy losing and now I am feleing better.




ah yes, classic me.

big, fat, freakin *sigh*

we got to planting seeds today. a tray of assorted veggies--for my first attempt to eat from my own backyard this year and, a tray of flowers--mostly for the kid.

i also started planning our housewarming party in may. it should be good.

i am so restless in life lately. i'm planning things ahead of schedule and getting excited with this whole party planning thing. to be embarrassingly honest, the party planning is the most alive i've felt on this stagnant, snow-covered day. pathetic, i say. there doesn't seem to be much creativity alive in me today. i'm quite inoperative as a whole in fact...just going through the motions and stuff i guess. maybe it's the snow; maybe it's the pms; maybe it's the lack of sleep...to be truthful, i'm certain it's all of the above...i'm just not admitting it. what's funny, is that every time i get in one of these funks, it feels impossible to imagine feeling normal again. like, i'm never going to see sunny me again; that optimistic silver lining i normally see, turns to a big black outline--whose only job is to keep me trapped within my own disconsolation.

i'll be back to normal in about 48 hours.

blah.

on the up side, i did brush my hair today. serious. i typically only do that once a week or so. shut-up...i wash it everyday.

democracy out does me again

(i'm a little too stuck at home lately...)

i think that people obsessed with owning fish are more obsessed with the need to play god ;)

can ya tell we might be getting like 200 gallons water in our basement that i'm not uber-excited about? 200 gallons of fish-infested water mind you.

i just don't really like fish i guess.

both my guy and my kid are psyched about it and i'm pretty sure my dog is too...the idea that if one just happens to hop out to freedom...he'll be first in line for a super fresh meal. i even think the mice might just be happy...they'll no longer be the lowest forms of life on the food chain in this home...and then there's me...oh well, i'll get used to them i guess...

shoulda lindy hopped

(this fake flower in my bathroom keeps turning toward the window. it's strange)

so, i think i figured out my issue with my battle of the blog lately. my days are so freakin busy and then i expect to be able to think of things other than sleeping at night...yep, nope. i think about all these things to write about all day long and then at night i'm too tired to care. i think i need to re-adjust.

so, last night i didn't write. i got drunk instead. i got really drunk. now, i am not a drunk by nature. i detest the taste of alcohol and, i always become a blubbering moron when i ingest even an ounce of that vile liquid. the last time i drank was on new years eve and the mess that followed the next morning had me nearly pullin an elvis on my bathroom floor. it was a disaster. so, last night, i figured drinking would be fun. the seriousness of my weeks and my current mess of a mind have left me fox-trotting around in this grim, lyrical mess of an adults-only life--that i am growing quite restless in. ok. whatever. to put it bluntly, i needed an escape. so, eight shots or so into my extrication, i realized that yes, i was free from the fox-trot but, had now surpassed it by so much, i was now having issues simply walking. my head eventually landed in the toilet, my arm, a bloody mess and my knuckle burnt; finally, i passed out.

my stomach spent its morning paying dearly for my last nights sins and my blood didn't stop vibrating until nearly eleven. five microwaved mini egg rolls and a can of coke held the key to snapping me back into reality this time. i was good as gold after that. my dad came over with great snacks and good conversation, my sister came over later and my kids best friend was here all day to keep her busy. it turned into a really wonderful day despite my near psychotic break down last night, coupled with my pulsating blood this morning. who knew? i just wish i could make myself better at loving the fox-trot...

on a different note, the scab on my forehead from where i ran into the garage door last week finally came off completely. yay.

too tired for a title

(both pics are my truck and the ice on it this morning. it was so sparkly)

tonight...the demons won. i just can't write. in my defense...i have got about 10 hours of sleep since monday. i just can't sleep lately. my creativity seems to be the luggage that gets thrown overboard first when the ships going down. as soon as i start to feel run down...the creativity goes. it becomes painful to think in any terms other than black, white and blah. i think tonight i'm going to try a tylenol pm. can't hurt.

not a greatest hit...

(five dollar target skirt that i found on super clearance. why wouldn't people want one of these...?)

i loathe the idea of writing tonight. i've been arguing with my writing/commitment demon all night about this too. i think my demons and i are going to have to make a compromise due to my tiredness; so, instead of coming up with anything original, i'm choosing to write down the lyrics to the song that keeps swirling through my head...hopefully, i can let them escape that way; they're starting to get annoying... it should be like killing two birds with one stone. i think.

...we can live like jack and sally if we want, where you can always find me, and we'll have halloween on christmas...don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head...and as i stared i counted, the webs from all the spiders, catching things and eating their insides...don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head...

there. done.
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.
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.
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.
.
.
.
.
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it's still in my head.
.
.
.
.
.
dammit.

a no-coat kinda day

(a little buddy squishin' slush)

it got to 50 today. i don't remember the last time it felt like that outside. it was so nice not to have my nostrils freeze shut today; unfortunately, that's happened one too many times this winter. saturday morning it was below zero. a week ago the high was 11. today was nice. really nice.

do as i say, not as i do child

(feelin a little dreamy lately in case ya can't tell...)

i've heard myself say it a hundred times and then today, i did just the opposite. i tell my kid not to answer the door if it's a stranger because we never want to let strangers into our house...so, what did i do today? well, today, i answered the door, despite the two girls there being strangers--and then, i proceeded to let them come to use the bathroom.

look, here's the story...there were these two chicks, going door-to-door, collecting signatures and donations to help keep schools from strictly preaching abstinence as the only method of birth control and for pro-choice stuff. we chatted for awhile, i gave a signature (no money though...i don't have money for a cup of coffee let alone condoms for high-schoolers) and we kept chatting...they were really nice, well dressed, cute piercings and then the one goes, 'i hate to ask...i don't meet too many people out here that i think would say yes but, can i use your bathroom?', to which i replied...of course come in... the one girl and i kept chatting while the other one quickly used the bathroom. we all chatted some more and then they left. my kid, on the other hand, not only gave me the third degree while they were here but, also when they left. she doesn't get things like pro-choice and sex-ed and no way was i going to try and explain so, i had to skirt the issue until she dropped it.

on a completely separate note...i am so tired of this winter. i have never said that before about winter but, today i put on 60 miles, driving, looking for a picture. all i saw was white snow, grey dirt, a few steer and a coupla horses (wearing coats mind you). i got so discouraged and so frustrated. i started feeling so blah...i started to feel like my surroundings. it sucked. i started to take it personally and then i thought about how long this winter is and how uninspired i am by it so, i started to feel better...it's not my fault, it's the weather's. the few shots i did find i found within 20 miles of my home. what a wasted 40 miles of gas.

bye cheesecake...i'll miss you dearly

that, that up there...well, that was my big accomplishment today...hell, that's been my biggest accomplishment of the year actually...so far. that bottom, 'before' picture, does not even do my kids disaster justice. the mess has been growing, festering if you will, since we moved in in october. see, i really needed shelves to store the toys on but, i had yet to unpack the ones i was initially looking for. so, today, i broke down and spent 12.48 (gotta love target clearance) on a good sized one to house all the extra. what a difference. i don't injure myself on my way through there anymore and you can actually see the floor...i forgot how beautiful it was.

on a totally unrelated note...tomorrow, i am ditching all the shit i've been living on lately. all the cheesecake, the jellybeans, the chips, the girl scout cookies, the soda and all the other miscellaneous crap i've been so thoughtlessly consuming. i don't need to diet or anything like that...i just need to start feeding my body what it actually needs to make it through a day with fuel to burn...instead of just puffs of smoke to blow. i'm not a bad eater by nature. it's just a phase so, it shouldn't be hard to switch back to what i'm used to. i don't know what happened. oh wait, i do. my guy had surgery and whenever he gets sick...all he craves is crap. that's why we have the costco cheesecake, the chips and all the other afore mentioned goodies. and then there's me, ms o.c.d herself who can't say no. i don't beat myself up about it...i really don't care. i'm excited to know that starting tomorrow, i'll be back to feeling healthy again. it's going to be a good monday...and a hungry monday.

(spit and polished till they shine...they're my two favs from my vain play date...i tried to get my guy to play too but he wouldn't. blah.)

i think it's all the sugar from the cookies...either that or my ADHD

today, in a narcissistic fit of rage, i took twenty pictures of me. i even wrangled my dog into one of them...against his will of course.

i hit my snooze for an hour this morning and i took my kid to work with me for the day. what a day. my boss was amazing, flying paper airplanes into my cube with treasure maps leading to her cube on them and rewarding my kid with little things when she got there. she gave her a big box to color and a buncha stickers to decorate it with. she wound up windy things and sent them across the carpet into my cube and hung up the pictures my kid sent her on her cube wall and then drew her a special thank you picture for all of her pictures. we had a babysitter pinch today and that was the last minute answer. it worked out well, despite my hesitancy. and believe me, there was a bit of hesitancy.

i'm looking forward to this whole spring ahead thing for one reason and one reason only, my clock in my truck will be right again. oh yeah, my watch will be wrong though. oh well...ya win some ya lose some.

tomorrow, i get to rest. my guys schedule is insane lately. i mean, really insane and i'm doing my best to fill in the cracks...trying to keep my kids schedule seamless and smooth so she doesn't have to feel any of the crazy. tomorrow, and the next day, there are no out-of-the ordinary cracks to be filled so i get to rest easy and get some stuff done that really needs to get done. heck, i'm even gonna get to the store to buy milk. it's gonna be great.

(i swear peta...i'm not hurting him. i swear...he's my friend, even though he likes to eat my undergarments)

grab your partner do-si-do

what is it about girl scout cookies that turns us all into human cookie monsters? i mean, ok, please don't shoot me for saying this, but they're not that good--seriously. but there just seems to be something mildly acceptable about sitting down to watch tv or, skipping lunch or, just standing at your counter and devouring at least whole sleeve of thin mints--and those stupid samoas...damn those stupid samoas. why, if you eat a row of oreos you're looked upon as a pig but, girl scout cookies...well, that's ok. one of life's little mysteries i spose...or, it could simply be our one time of the year to guiltlessly gorge because you know damn well that everyone around you is partaking in that same guilty pleasure and, for just a tiny window during each long year, it becomes socially acceptable to channel our inner swine...

never say never captain denial

(chilly bird on the seventh story)

this week has drained me in a way that only pauly shore can do to a lizard. um, what...? that didn't make sense to you...? oh, that's because it's an inside joke in my own head, my own screwed up, little head. all right, all right, it wasn't that funny in there either.

so, i came up with this ingenious photo project idea today. it could be awesome...legendary, one might say...well, in my head, the same head that thought that pauly shore joke was funny, it could be legendary.

the problem with it is, well, one of the many problems with it is that it's absolutely inconceivable to imagine i will ever get a green light. (but iris, you say, nothing is impossible. keep your flowery little chin up, it'll all work out...well, no. i'm not stupid. it won't.) it all goes back to yesterday's blog in a way, i spose. it also might all go back to me shooting myself in the foot awhile ago too i spose. all right, so i kindasorta actually blasted my foot to a pile of bloody smithereens awhile back but whatever, it could be incredible...not the bloody mess that is--the idea in my messy, enigmatic mind. or, it could become the pile of crap that this queen midas seems to turn these type of things into with a single touch. i'm gonna guess the latter however-- given my previous track record--but, i'll never give up trying for the incredible...i know it's there. i can see it in my mind. in fact, as i was seeing it in my mind this afternoon, i walked right into my garage door. i was SO lost in my own head, that somehow, i forgot to open it all the way and when it got about half way up, i just started walking. the shock of the crash only interrupted those thoughts enough for me to yell 'fuck', rub my head a bit, look around to make sure no one was watching me and then lose myself all over again.

*sigh*

if you have cake, why wouldn't you eat it too...? oh, it's poisonous.

(in my ramp after an interesting day at work)

one time, a few years ago, this girl i knew looked me in the eyes, over a plate of eggs and bacon (it was a really odd situation--trust me), and whispered, maybe in a different life...

i didn't get it...i mean, i knew what she was talking about but i didn't get it. i wondered why not this life too...you only get one. i think i get it now. i still don't like it though...but, i think, i finally get what she meant.

so what do you do...? flip a coin on how to live this one...? make a list and weigh the options...pro's win...? do it all regardless of others...? talk yourself into one certain course...? follow your heart...your head...? scrap it all, start over...? go back to what your six year old self wanted...? stick with what ya know, blocking out anything else, not questioning anything...?

don't get me wrong, i'm incredibly happy but, i am human. part of being human is to question things, i think, and sometimes the questions on my mind aren't all pink and flowery. sometimes they're disagreeable and consequently bring up things that become quite menacing on my mind but, nonetheless, they're there.

the issue is mainly me here...i'm incredibly flighty and my interests are vast. i really like that about me most of the time. due to that however, i just question a lot and, today, for this minute, that's what's on my mind; so, for this minute, these are the thoughts that i purge.

the biggest loser

(this was cheating. i took this last spring but i'm really craving the way this day smelled and felt. this is such a long winter...i'm burnt out with the cold looking shots)

i don't usually bitch and moan about shit like this but since it's happening live, so-to-speak, i'm gonna.

it's 8:30. i just got home from the day. we all did. it's been long and i'm wore out. tomorrow will be an early morning and so will the next day. it's not ideal but, eh, it's the way it is for right now. my mind has been busy today, and a bit lonesome too, and i was looking forward to this very moment...the one where i can sit here and collect my thoughts before going to bed and then doing it all over again. so anyway, i grabbed about the worst thing to snack on while sitting here. five pretzel sticks and a glob of frosting to dip em in...it sounded so perfect, especially in contrast to how i'm feeling. then, my guy walked by, looked at me, then the frosting, took it off the counter and put it back in the fridge. i didn't say a thing; i just put the gallon of milk back and sat down. i don't know if it's a girl thing or, just a me thing but, yes, i took offense to it. my guy saw that and then got mad at me because i shouldn't be mad about it at all; in fact, he actually implied that i should be thanking him instead for doing me a favor. i think it was at that moment, the moment when he realized that that excuse wasn't going to work and maybe, just maybe, he fucked up that he got mad. he's currently in the bedroom not talking to me because of this. maybe i should have ate it anyway but i just can't now...i would feel like such a cow for doing that... i'll tell ya what i did do though...i broke two of the sticks in half left three long. i lined the short ones up vertically, like fingers (with one off to the side like a thumb), and stuck one of the long ones right in the middle. then, i laid the other two horizontally, and directly below the fingers...so basically, it roughly resembles an ancient cave-painted hand flicking someone off. look, it was the best i could do five pretzels...

i'm not lost...i'm actually found

(dino rock)

what a good day. i spent a good portion of it alone in the car, driving to nowhere, listening to blink 182 and thinking about mostly nothing but, at the same time, a lot of everything. i bought a lousy cup of watery coffee and a good map of my state. i didn't find any breath-taking spots to take pictures because i got lost and mainly had to focus on how to get back before my kid got out of pre-school...which was actually what led up to me purchasing the road map...but all-in-all, it was perfect. oh, i guess i did find the tortoise rock however...and i do love tortoises.

so much of my life has been spent looking for something...i'm never sure what it is but, i like the challenge. i like adventures. maybe that's just my niche. looking. there is nothing more fulfilling for me than a cup of coffee, my camera, the open road and well, a map too apparently. the fact that i need a map is what i like though. i'm in someplace new and someplace different. i know a guy who's laughed and rolled his eyes at me for, well, almost half of my life now due to this incessant need to find myself and continue to look for things...but maybe it's just me. it's what keeps me going, i think. when i find everything, i'll have to stop looking--and then what? i'll fizzle out...become monotony...become everything i'm scared of...? probably. that's why the search continues. i don't want to see the world in shades of grey. i think i found me long enough to know that this is who i am...a searcher. a looker. a finder. i like it.

thanks aaron for checking in on me by the way...sorry to pull a 'you' on ya but, i owed you for all the times you've slipped off the grid...i like to keep ya guessing ;)

it must be something in the water

(i just loved that little guy under the bridge)

i'm going to write about nothing tonight because i want to go play tetris. my guy is playing right now and is rambling on and on about the beauty of the game. it's the stupidist conversation he could possible be having with himself but he's amused nonetheless.

i dreamt about david duchovny last night for the whole hour i managed to sleep. i feel like i'm on the verge of doing something great creatively and my mind is really not letting me rest. i'm up all the time. i've been averaging four or so hours of sleep a night and sufficing on junk food through most of my day, but i still can't calm down. it's like i'm on this creative crack...oh wait, it's more like when you get like an itch way inside of your knee...like in the bone or something and you can't itch it but you keep trying. does that ever happen to anyone but me? anyway, that's what it's like. i can't control it, i just have to follow it. tonight i'm going to take something to help my strung out head sleep...one good night should be good. the words pouring out from me lately, the pictures, the decorating, the reading, the re-arranging, it's all not enough for me. i need more...i keep craving more. i have given up internet completely. i'm a news fanatic and i quit the habit cold-turkey. five times a day i used to check it...along with my e-mail. it had to go. it was getting in the way. apparently sleep is getting in the way too. funny thing is is that i'm rarely tired...

an open-ended letter to myself

tonight i wrote so much. then i thought about karma. then, i copied it all, pasted it into an unpublished draft and left ya'll with what made it through the strainer. a few pictures. gotta love 3:2 beer. nice and watery. no bite.