a film i felt needed, MORE sharing!

i can't get enough of this message. i really feel like it needs to be shared...and here is one more outlet i have...

i branched out, into the film maker's world and was a part of the first google+, short film festival, this past weekend.

i got to see some AMAZING films and chat with the film makers.

THIS film though, stuck with me, hard.

i shared it on g+ and within 12 hours, it went COMPLETELY viral, being shared by over 1500 people and HUNDREDS of people started leaving comments about how they found themselves in tears and how good the message felt. the film maker told me, that since i shared it, her views went up by 20,000. she is a wonderful, humble, thankful and gracious woman...and, in a field dominated by men, she has made one heck of a mark.

i'm coming back, just to share her film. i think it's worth seeing...especially during the holiday season. it's ten minutes and left me in tears...but not bad tears. tears that felt good and that felt hopeful.

i can't say enough good things...and judging by the response of everyone who has seen it...i don't think i'm completely off :)

here's the link to the film...

click here

i hope you enjoy it half as much as i did.

i love creative people...so much :)

g'night...

okay...still in thought about my ramblings of recent and ya know what? sometimes, it all just boils down to wanting to go where everybody knows my name. and they're always glad i came. i wanna be where i can see, our troubles are all the same. i wanna go where everybody knows my name.

okay.

well. that was plainly and simply, plagiarism.

anyway.

if you want to get in touch with me, even if you *think* i don't like you or that you shouldn't, PLEASE email me at iris.dawn.photography@gmail.com to keep in touch--i really would love to hear from you :) i can connect you to my google+ (even if you don't belong to it, i can still email you my posts) or converse via email. i'm pretty much putting up mini-blogs with all of my photos lately on g+ anyway...

this blog, my blog-baby, doesn't feel bright anymore...like it used to. it feels like i'm here fully but some of you are just doin' the whole gawker slow down thing and that makes me want not be here fully...and that's not what i'm all about. i could see me coming back, someday, but right now...between my busy-ness and the bad taste in my mouth...i'm not sure why i'm making any effort at all.

in case you're curious...here's what i'm working on over on g+ and just in general:
(this is like a commercial, btw...)

::i just started a 365 project and connected to other photographers in the 365 community. so far, i'm on day 3. i was not-so-gently-nudged by friends to get my ass going on this. i've always put it off due to time and the difficulty of it, but, it's time :) (a 365 project is a photo-a-day project.)

::i'm working on my photo scavenger hunt. that has a november 30th deadline so i REALLY need to get moving on it. though it's something my kid and i are working on together, so it's been fun :)

::i was invited into a small group of fairly well-known, incredibly talented, photographers, to participate in their 'photo death match'. basically, the moderators of the group pit two photographers against each other, choose the topic for them, give them a week and tell them to 'go'. the photos, on their deadline, are put up, in front of tens of thousands of people to be seen, shared and voted on. i'm up this week and our topic is the 'selfie'. i need to, by monday, create a self-portrait worthy of some massive publicity and maybe some approval. i'm up against a guy who's got a rough and tough demeanor but can photograph women beautifully...i can't wait to see what he comes up with.

::moderating!! i'm moderating a weekly, online, photo group called fido friday. so, if you're ever on g+ and have a dog photo you want to submit for my moderation abilities, do it! anyone can submit...doesn't matter your abilities!

::editing! i have to finish editing, finish burning and do some mailing!

so yeah...that's pretty much it.

*switches off light*

here's another, folks

(a refurbished, oldie for a little thing called, CATURDAY...)

hmmm. okay. so, the general consensus seems to be, so far...that i need a new blog. or, that i need to start posting things like other people's crap on here. like a poem, or photo, or link, or just basically, something not 'me'...something more 'generic'.

yeah. that's not gonna happen because i spew stuff left and right...and when i shouldn't talk...i talk more than ever. and, well, not to sound like a total snob, but other people's stuff often bore's me. well...not if i know them personally, that is. but then, posting stuff, from people i know and admire, kinda defeats the purpose of being generic in the first place. ugh.

maybe i've just outgrown this shell. like a hermit crab or something... it happens in the blog world, right?? the only problem is, in my heart...the iris shell still fits perfectly. i don't want to switch homes, at all :'( maybe this is more like an eviction...and i need to look at it like that? like...my home was taken over by squatters and i have to leave. okay...that sounds negative still. ugh.

i guess there are other things i could do...i introduced boomy to the g+ world and had a great response. someone mentioned throwing him onto wordpress, someone else mentioned writing a series....those things could work. i'd also like to **attempt** to become more serious as a writer. i always love having writers in my life and there's a reason...our brains work well together. i mean i've already got an entire encyclopedia's worth of photos and i'm realizing that each one already has a story--it just needs the words to make it real. then again...maybe now wanting to write a book, or something, is a bit lofty of a goal. who knows. maybe i need to find a writer who works well with me and work on that. ugh.

i don't know.

i'll keep thinking on this...maybe someone else has a better answer? i have decided that this blog will stay open. i'm proud of all its ramblings and closing it feels sadder than leaving it. i just can't shake the one way mirror thing! and i'm not stoned or paranoid or crazy...i've been watching more carefully since mid june and i can see how many times people read this blog everyday and i can see 'where' the audience comes from--i can't see WHO my very regular people are...but i have some pretty educated guesses. i mean, yes, i have many people who read...but only a certain amount of frequent regulars. yet...despite the daily reads--how many of you comment? do you call me? do you follow up email me about anything? do you hold out a hand, or ask me for coffee when you can tell things are rough? do you congratulate me when things are good? do you post your own blog for me to read? do you actually 'follow' this blog? are you friends with me on any social networks? do you keep your social networking 'open' for me to see...or do you just read everything on mine and privatize everything on yours?

i don't know why this is buggin' me so much lately...but, i just can't shake it. and, like everything else, i'll get over it... **sigh**

i like that you're here. i swear. just please let me know you're here...

(a fun, fall, capture!)

oops. sorry about that slight interruption. in case you read me often (which, if you do, i apologize about), you noticed i privatized everything there for a bit. it wasn't the intention.

see, i do a lot online. i find so much inspiration from others and i deeply enjoy being a part of a larger, worldwide, community of photographers and writers. it's great to find conversation at all hours, to learn more, to want to do more, to be able to connect with like-minded individuals and to feel like i fit in somewhere.

but lately, i have this feeling of frustration stemming from the fact that i basically live my life on the 'other' side of a one-way mirror. people close to me, are actually further away from me, than people on the other side of the world that i've never, in-person, even met. they just watch me...never bothering to respond in person to me, reach out to me, or say hi. they just read and watch and because i'm a 'public' figure, in-a-sense, that's very easy for them to do. and that's fine. but, i very rarely get to see or read anything from these people...and when i do reach out and say hi, nothing is ever reciprocated. i'm just a 'bookmark' on a web browser to people to click on when they're bored or wanting to gawk, and/or, stalk. it's been like this for years now, in some cases, and it's just getting old.

and the other thing with the one-way-mirror thing...i feel like i'm constantly being judged and critiqued and talked about, yet no one even heard my voice say the things they're critiquing. there was no body language to correspond with my words, no vocal pitches, no eye contact...nothing. just silent snapshots that allow people to feel as if they 'know' me...and it's weird. it doesn't make sense to me. despite being of this internet generation and being 'open'...it's still odd to have people i haven't seen in so long, know so much...and then follow up all of their 'oh! i read that you did that...' statements with, 'and i just figured you...' yet, as they're saying that, i have zero clue what they've been up too...and it's not for lack of trying on my end. i follow blogs, comment on photos, email random (sometimes drunk) thoughts, text to say hi--hell, i even comment on celebrities blogs/statuses/photos, etc... they don't know who i am, and that's totally okay...if i enjoy reading their stuff, i tell them. (okay...uhm, yeah, i AM terrible with phone calls; i just never have the time...and if i do, i typically prefer the silence.) and it's especially weird when the people who know so much about me, aren't following this blog, following me on g+ or fb and they don't call me or email me.

maybe i'm just awful to talk to in person or something...who knows? anyway...i didn't realize i had completely locked down my blog until i tried to access it from another account. i had been playing with my security settings and seeing what they all did--in an attempt to curb this feeling a bit. i'm guessing i just saved the wrong setting or didn't unsave something i had been trying. i'm back to open again (yay!?)...though i may just lock it all down again, on purpose (muhahaha). i'm going to talk to a few people to see if this is just me, or a normal thing, or a weird thing...and see what they do/did about it and take it from there. for now though...i'm back. yay. really. i know you're excited.

happy to have purpose

i'm so happy. i will be taking part in a photo scavenger hunt, via g+. there's a couple hundred total participants so far. the girl putting it together wasn't expecting those kinda numbers so i volunteered to help moderate too. i'm just super excited to have a shooting purpose...i mean, who can resist shooting things like doughnuts, newspapers, moons, the letter z, etc...? not me! my kid wants to take part too, so now she has her own copy of the list. it'll be super fun to shoot with her and see what she comes up with :)

and other than that...i got nothin'. i don't even know why i felt the need to post tonight. i was just sitting here, wondering what to do next, and suddenly, the idea to blog popped into my head and well, here i am, filling the internet with more rubbish.

okay...i think i'm gonna go do something now. though i don't know what. just...somethin'...

snapping outta it...bitbybit

okay. well. tonight, i'm drinking tequila and eating jelly beans. the idea is to ditch the crabbiness and insane dreams, as well as allow myself a favorite treat--though i don't know which is what, exactly. (the dreams, as of late have been beyond intense...zombies, death, loneliness, love, vampires, aliens, hope, faith, memories--the list goes on and on...it's hard to get a good night of sleep when you're constantly stuck in adventure mode. you just feel insane. all the time.)

i'm over my last night's pity party--that's for sure (maya angelou had a hand in it :) ) and i'm incredibly content laying here, cuddling with my little dog, eating a veggie corn dog and watching star trek, tos. i think i'm gonna go have some convo on g+ and maybe catch up on craigslist. oh. and figure out what thursday will hold...i have the entire day off and am stuck somewhere in between wanting to lay around in pj's all day and watch crappy t.v. or get out and drive with my camera...

yeah.

i'm rambling.

i need to go see what happens to kirk...

i wish i didn't speak sometimes...

(a gift from an artist i met at the art crawl this weekend. i wish i woulda had a piece of my art to give him...)

tonight's nasty mood is being subdued with [very] dark chocolate, a glass on wine and cheers reruns.

on a brighter note, my work was featured here this week...

HERE!

i had wanted my work there since the publication was started, but never thought it was ever good enough. i do check the site out daily, regardless, because it is FULL of amazing work, by incredible artists; and, consequently, holds tons of inspiration for me.

on another note, completely, kind of, i wish i didn't care so much and wasn't so sensitive. ever since this g+ this got going i've been excited and proud feeling. but, the person i share my life with hasn't cared. in fact, he's cut me down, made me feel stupid and teased me for not being initially crazy about the idea of another social network. (no. still not crazy about another personal, social network...i like the more professional/art side of things on g+. fb is still fine for friends and family... my g+ will never be personal for me.) i try not to talk about anything regarding my photo life but, tonight, i shared my excitement about being a part of that publication and i got laughed at and made fun of. i've since been apologized to but it doesn't matter anymore. my initial excitement is gone...i shared it with someone who didn't care and my inability to separate myself from a loved one's reaction has made me really, well, sad. yeah. like i said...i wish i wasn't so sensitive. i blame me in this because if i wasn't this sensitive, i'd still be excited. now, yeah, i just don't care. i've since deleted my posts regarding it from facebook and have no intention of mentioning it again. i'm sure i'm totally being ridiculous but this is where i'm at tonight. a poor me, pity-party that i'm gonna guess no one cares about either. hell...i really don't even care. i'm sick of being me. i know i'm annoying. i'm trying to be less invasive in lives...i swear.

uhm.

yeah.

sorry about my whinyness. i think i need to sleep. sorry. i'm sorry i'm not perking back up quicker with this one too...i think that makes me less of a person or something, but whatever. i'll come back within my usual 48 hours, like nothing ever happened. cuz, that's what i am. a dumb puppy.

Hippie

i love protests. i really do. when the republican national convention was here, i discovered how much i love them. and ya know...i'm not a protester myself. i'm so wishy washy with everything, i rarely feel strong enough to brush my hair, so picking a side to scream about isn't really my thing...but i LOVE being with people who are passionate about what they believe. i love that they want me there, photographing them, promising to get them online. i love witnessing something first hand that the media is reporting and i love having my own take of things though my memory, and my stories; but, most of all, through my photos. i love making up my own mind...

so...here are a decent chunk of the photos i took. (i have more...but this was enough, for now.) i promised people i'd have these photos online and that's all they wanted.

for search purposes i feel the need to throw in these specific keywords...

Occupy
Occupy Wall Street
Occupy Minnesota
Occupy Minneapolis
99%

maybe i'll sleep tonight?

the insomnia. the sinuses. i'm not really that happy, or functional, these last few days.

tonight, i called into work for tomorrow.
i called my boss and attempted to leave my phone number in case she needed to call me back.

i rambled for almost 30 seconds about my number, but i had NO memory of what it was.
only the area code made sense in my head.
so i spewed random numbers into her voice mail, hoping to jog my memory and maybe redeem myself...but, it just kept getting worse and worse--and i never did remember it.
i finally said that i'm sure she has it on file and asked her to email me, if nothing else.

i then apologized for being so tired and hung up.

this insomnia thing is making my brain mush.

i'm gonna go back to watching star trek and reading craigslist now. because neither of those things take any brains at all...

why won't my brain just be quiet...for just a tiny bit...

insomnia.

sucks.

last night, i woke up at three. went back to sleep at 5:30. that's pretty typical. i'm so tired but i don't want to fall asleep until at least ten...or i'll never make it the whole night. my dreams have been ridiculous again too.

every night.

so real.

ugh.

so, in other news, the pic above is my dogs feet. she discovered that our backyard pond contains one, large, frog. she has spent hours, everyday, for weeks obsessing over him. she has tore apart the cattails to try to find his home...though all she really did was make him a bigger home (as well as herself a bridge). she falls in almost everyday, requiring a daily bath and every night, she's exhausted.

hmmm.

maybe i need to go look for frogs too...

fall is lovely

yup. got out and did some shooting on thursday. it was rainy and chilly and perfect. out of all the shots i took...i liked my usual two. (two seems to be my magical number with photo-approval.) i just love the moodiness of fall skies...

hmmm.

uhm. what else?

oh! i invited friends over last night and they came over for an impromptu get together. it was a pretty darn okay time. i never invite people over anymore. i'm so lame. it used to be like every weekend...and now, it's completely random. i'm trying to work on that...i know it's my fault. the night was fun until they left and i went on this over-the-top, emotion-stricken, rant about my hatred of conrad murray. i cried about michael, listened to my fav songs and admitted a buncha embarrassing things about my lifelong mj obsession ...it was slightly crazy. okay, really crazy. (in case you couldn't guess...there was alcohol involved. plus, i was way overtired. plus, i had forgot to eat anything since lunch.) i went straight to bed, after being cut off in the middle of another part of the rant, and i slept until almost noon today.

i was, surprisingly, productive once i finally crawled out of bed...i made a homemade apple/pear sauce (since we had this ridiculous amount of pears and apples), chicken salad for lunches this week with the rest of the crockpot chicken from the other day, and a fabulous pasta dinner--complete with eggplants from the farmers market sneaked in...topped off with a completely from-scratch, apple pie. i'm still finishing off my homemade cheese/potato/corn soup from the other day but as soon as that's gone i'm dying to try out the recipe for a black bean and corn soup that i have. fall and hearty, healthy meals go as perfectly together as grilling and summer.

shocked, humbled, honored and smiling :)

(fav from the other day...see last paragraph for explanation...)

wow. so...i'm sitting here in complete aw of what happened this afternoon.

a few weeks ago i decided to jump ahead of the trend and jump on the google+ wagon. trying to brand myself as a photographer who doesn't do weddings, and who isn't a guy, is difficult...so, i decided to just throw up some of my favorite work while i get to know the routine of it all. as it turned out, i knew like three people on there...so my account just kinda just sat there--i wasn't even sure what to use it for. then i started following a few of my favorite photographers for the inspiration, trey ratclif, jeremy cowart, thomas hawk and lotus carrol. from there, i added a few more, lesser known, photogs, that were equally amazing to my circles. then, thomas hawk noticed me and circled me...even 'liking' some of MY stuff and the artist, natasha westcoat circled me and then so did lotus carrol. seriously, i was beyond honored that any of them would even look my way...let alone add me to their circles.

so, back to this afternoon...lotus carrol put together a list of her top 250 favorite photographers on google+ and she included me. i'm there, right next to jeremy cowart, trey ratcliff, thomas hawk and her. i am so humbled and proud and excited...all at once. i don't even know where to begin with this. i went from having 30 people in my circles to having over 200 within ten minutes...and that number is still growing and will continue to for days, i'm sure.

i have no idea what to say, what to post, how to not suck, how to keep doing what i do, how to get people involved in conversation so they don't hate me every time i post and i really don't know how not to be totally annoying. i'm going to have all of these total strangers listening to me and watching me...it's so intrusive feeling and honoring, all at once. i think i'll make sure my profile is clean and doesn't suck too bad and then wait a couple days to actually post again. i'm totally overwhelmed but excited...and seriously, i am super motivated and inspired to go shoot MORE!

hmmm.

now i'm done writing but, well, i have no photo to post. i see a lot of irony in that...not the funny kind though. crap. hmmm. i could go shoot something...but, well, that'd be too much work right now. i spose i could leave you with one more shot of me...my fav from the other day...i spose it's kinda fitting for this blog, too??

somewhere between pennywise and bigfoot, you get cowboy boots i'm scared of?

(my new boots. i love 'em...but as soon as i got them home, i got scared to put them on...)

woah. i'm currently listening to a band called, 'boyce avenue' cover the song 'lovestoned' acoustically. it's really good. like...really good. i mean, the original, by JT is good and all...but i'm diggin' the acoustic, a lot, lately. so...with that being said, it might not be that good, it could just be me.

anyway. yeah. i woke up today with a new found fascination with clowns. i totally hate them eff-ers typically, but i woke up this cloudy, monday morning thinking about them fondly--in an artsy sorta way, or something. and not the cutesy kid ones...like the old freaky ones. i wonder what that's all about? i mean...i'm used to randomness, but this is a little further out there than my normal random. eh. oh well. i blame the documentary on big foot i fell asleep watching. i don't know why...but, i do.

hmmm. what else is new in my weird, little world? wait? what's that you say?
nothing cuz you're a lame-o, loser, iris?
oh.
yeah.
nothin' cuz i'm a lame-o, loser.

in conclusion, i may have a clown thing all of a sudden, but i still can't handle monkeys or david spade, nor do i ever see that being a possibility in the future--just so ya know.

i think i'm gonna go eat broccoli and soy chicken now...

stop. camera time.

yup. i never do that, turn the camera on me (with the exception of a few cell phone shots here and there...), but this past weekend, i figured it was time to have some fun :) i still want to do a good self portrait...i have the idea, just need the time. maybe the next time i have some wine or something.

anyway...went to the bff's house this weekend. we hung out in her bed, watched bridesmaids, ate pizza and drank some beer and tequila. we talked and complained and laughed and it was fun. i slept great too, even on her couch, despite this stupid
insomnia[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''{:::::::::::::::;;;;;;;;[[[=
""""""""""
{"

crap. sorry. my dog stretched and her big 'ol paw did that. we're cuddling.

anyway. the insomnia's been bad this past week, but not horrible. three nights found me wide awake, at three am, snacking on pretzels and watching american dad reruns...it's been worse though, so, i'm not worried. tonight, i'm hoping to sleep again. i'm not positive me watching programs on ufo's and crop circles is the best idea, but, whatever...

this is it. i promise.

(a couple terrible shots from when i was out with my dogs the other day. i wiped my computer of everything though and this is all i have...)

i've been doing lots of thinking and i swear, i'm only going to touch on this subject one.more.time...but i just couldn't figure out why the other night shook me so bad. and to figure things out, i prefer to write and write, and ramble on and on in the blogosphere about stuff that no one but me would ever care about. well, that plus, i shower. i do some of my best thinking in the shower. really. and while avoiding washing my hair tonight, i started thinking about things differently, and much more simply.

i freaked the other night because it didn't feel fair and i felt angry. that's it. two years ago, i got lied to by someone who i was close to. he was the last new friend i made. and then, i go out, for the first time, to see an old friend (whom i hadn't seen in, ironically, two years), and i see him. it shook me because i just got this overwhelming feeling that no one actually wants to be my friend. duh. they only want stuff from me. and they'll lie to get it. and they don't care about anything but themselves. and they don't see me as a friend, they see me as a commodity. and they don't care if they snuff out a flame, as long as they get what they want. and to try to connect the other night with this dark feeling hovering over me constantly, sucked. and to be honest, i had no idea it was going to hit me like that. i didn't even realize, until avoiding washing my hair tonight, that this was the big issue...so i felt super unarmed the other night.

i don't remember how to trust someone who simply smiles at me and that's a terribly, lonely feeling. i don't know how to look at them and trust that my smile back, is just a smile back and that they won't hurt me with it in the future. i second guess everything. i second guess everyone. i hate that how i trusted people in the past, has made me so deeply mistrust people now.

i think it was the irony more than anything. seriously, the first time i try to connect with people, i am, point-blank, reminded of how impossible that is, for me, in real life. and it was depressing. it's all so surfacey. i think i'm incapable of anything deeper because i don't know how to handle it or something. i'm positive all of my hermitness and avoidance of things is due to this and the major gaps in my other friendships too. it all makes so much sense and i needed to be faced with it to realize it. before that, i was still idealizing the whole situation...now, it's time to close the gaps and maybe cut my hair. (first...i will wash it.)

so...the plan, is to write this stuff down, in simple sentences, that sum it all up. (straight and to the point. no rambling.) then to hit send. i need to finally have a say and get some closure. i don't need conversation. i don't need assurance. i don't need apologies. i don't need attention. i don't need anything other than to say stuff. i haven't said a thing since. and then, i need to wipe my hands. and i'm going to go to a friend's house this weekend and try to catch up with her. and i'm going to contemplate cutting this hair of mine. and i'm going to buy a few new outfits. and i'm going to find inspiration in closure. now, i finally know what's broke...and knowing where the damage is, is the first step to fixing it :)

lucy in the sky with iris

so. all my weekend craziness got swept away with the dawning of a new work week and a conversation i had today.

it made me realize some things. well, not realize them really...just admit them more so.

yes. my mom would nod her head in agreement with this statement...but, okay, maybe, i often place people higher than where they belong because i see things out of rose-colored glasses and tend to idealize things (and people) even when they aren't so ideal. what can i say? i have a big imagination. anyway. yeah. i opened a dialogue up with a total stranger...and ya know...when you take all the outside drama out of everything, and the brokenness away from the sidelines, you end up with a clear view of the end zone. (woah. football reference in my blog. i do believe that, in over five hundred blogs, could be the first ever. and if you know otherwise, you're amazing...and slightly stalkerish.) and when you see the end so clear, yet it doesn't look right, like how you remembered it, you suddenly realize you were maybe running the wrong way before and you mighta mistook the boos for cheers and wow, uhm, yeah...that analogy got really messy--but it still works. kinda. or not really. regardless...being focused on nothing but oneself leaves a lot of room for people to lie to you and when you idealize everyone, it makes them look like everything you want them to be. and that's just stupid.

what i'm trying to say is that i guess when you hang out with people more messed up than you...you're gonna get more messed up by them, than they're gonna get by you. (that was such a confusing sentence. i know. but it's exactly true.) for so long, i wanted that awesome friend, someone more like me and i got so excited when i found that friend. when reality hit though...i realized it was all lies. like, every single word...lies. just a facade. a cover. a mask. nothing real. it makes me angry, but mostly just at myself for even bothering with thinking any different and not listening to anyone but myself...and the lies. (i should have known...someone as awesome and unique as me just can't happen--i'm pretty much the only one.) ((just kidding. there's millions of other crazies like me.))

anyway...moral of the story...when a person starts out a friendship by telling you that they mess people up really bad when they're done with them, teach you how to play poker with giant lectures about not giving yourself away, ramble on about how important it is for girls to have their guard up with guys at all times because guys take advantage of trust and talk about how they tend to morph into whoever they're hanging out with because of their codependency...you should not be friends with them if you have a big imagination and wear perma-rose-colored-glasses, like me. it gets all messed up. actually, you probably just shouldn't be friends with them, at all, if possible.

i don't know why i never listen to anyone when they say these things but, well, i don't. and i always find this stuff out the hard way. then again, after reading everything i just wrote...i shouldn't have needed anyone to tell me. then again, i only ever learn things the hard way. then again, i'm stupid sometimes. then again, actually, most times. then again everything around me was sucking pretty bad then, so i guess i just didn't really care and wanted to believe in something or someone way brighter...like myself...

i got broke

yeah. i watched bees again. they're much easier to capture in photograph form when it's chilly out as they move real slow.

today...i prefer the term hot mess, i guess. it's better than 'hungover loser' or anything else that insinuates i didn't attempt to look this awesome.

i officially sobered up around ten this morning despite the massive amount of alcohol i threw back up last night. nothin' like throwing up on an empty stomach after six shots of brandy and a dozen cigarettes. the cold, autumn wind helped wake me up as i snuggled my paper cup of hot coffee between my hands to keep them from losing all ability to move this morning. i really wasn't as tired as i should have been after the couple of hours of restless sleep i got. i didn't dream last night...i think my brain was physically unable to find the REM state...which is fine, i didn't feel like dreaming; i had enough on my mind as is.

here's the story...i go out to a gallery opening to see a friend's work...i told ya that already. i hang out, talk, socialize with other artists and complete strangers and then my world gets shook up by such a happily familiar face, a ghost of a best friendship and memories that i was not emotionally prepared to have surface and i dealt with it by freaking out inside...while trying not to let it show on the outside. out of all the places, in all the world, at all the times. yeah. it was so empty to think of the awesomeness that got lost in the bad decisions. i was in the same place, with someone who i proudly considered my bestgood friend and for all the rest of the room knew, we were complete strangers. after the tension, the nerves, the insecurities, the vulnerability and the general awkwardness of the night i went home and still tried to stay quiet--yet it all surfaced, and doubt and blame and mistrust comes back and i drank instead of going to bed, like i knew a sane person would have. but, once i started drinking, i didn't want to stop. so, i kept going. and i spewed nonsense about politics and fashion and careers and art and i never made one coherent point and i listened to fall out boy and blink and foster the people. then, i hit the wall. and i knew i was done. i threw up all over the bathroom and i stood there, looking at myself in the mirror...looking at my black, swollen eyes, not recognizing myself at all and smelling nothin' but brandy and vomit and thinking about what a fucking mess i was. and i was mad at myself for being so paper thin and so able to be blown over by such a small wind. and i picked at the weird sliver in my lip (no clue) and started attacking myself, in my own head, for being such a loser. but, this was my first time out of the house in so long and ya know what? shit just messes with ya sometimes. period. and i closed my eyes and i took a deep breath and i felt my feet, firmly on the ground. and i chalked it up to that, that shit just messes with ya sometimes. and i wiped my hands of it. and brushed my teeth. and i crawled into bed after losing my pants and one sock along the way. and at 7:30...i rolled out of bed, choked down a granola bar and a few ibuprofen, stumbled into the shower, threw on a short red skirt, yellow sweater, black legwarmers and a jean jacket, and i started my day. and i packed up my art supplies and headed to a ritzy, suburban art fair full of happy, shopping people who wanted their kids to paint with me. and the wind blew and the clouds never parted but i smiled, and laughed, and stayed as charming as possible, and painted, and talked of my love of fall, and art, and photography and had an amazingly, uplifting time. and then, i went to lunch and i ate awesome food, full of grease and nastiness that never tasted so good. and that's when this story was retold by my guy and he laughed at me for being such a ridiculously, over-dramatic cliche of an artist. he laughed at my whirlwind of emotions and he laughed at my past 18 hours...and, i had to laugh too. because ya know what...ya can't make this shit up. it's me. and the strangest things happen to me...and it's okay. i don't always deal gracefully. but i try. i'll probably never be let out of the house again, but maybe that's for the better...it didn't really work out so well this time anyway.

so, here i sit. listening to all american rejects wishing i could eat without feeling sick, but i think i broke my stomach. and the calm of the night falls on me and i just realize that, because my house has been full of people hours, it's eleven o'clock and i forgot to feed my kid and her friend dinner. i did fill them with warm, homemade, chocolate chip, oatmeal bars as they sat outside on this cool evening building with their lego's--if that counts for anything.

i guess i don't really know what else to say other than, hi :)
((i'm crazy.))

and...you have GOT to be kidding me. just as i go to wrap this post up and right as i scroll down to the little, 'publish post' button, the lyrics that suddenly fill my silence are that of +44, on a random pandora station...

the next time i'll see you you'll turn away.
i'll say hello but you'll keep on walkin'.
next time you see me i'll turn away.
...
i'd only want to make you smile.

yup. haven't heard the song in so long because i skip it every time.

couldn't make it up if i wanted to...

i love life. but...alas, it gets weird sometimes.

shakes ya so bad ya physically tremble.
when you don't see things coming and then you nearly run right into them and the only response your body has is to get so nervous you almost throw up on someone's art.
that's okay though.
i spose.
i mean...i didn't. puke. i just ran out the door and smoked a cigarette and called a best friend who always seems to get it, instead. how she just 'gets' it and is always a speed dial away is amazing. for over half my life she's been that speed dial away. and i hid. that always seems to work too.
and now, i'm breaking my sobriety and have become a smoker apparently.
aargh.
so, i write. as i've done my entire life to somehow try to make something make some sort of weirdo sense.
i write in discombobulated sentence fragments and i feel somehow like me...but like i died and am looking at me as i float away.
wow.
that was a morbid thought.
but...as i drink my brandy and try to collect myself...that's all i see.
and i listen to music. like always.
currently, foster the people. before...it was mumford and before that, well, idk...i don't remember.
i know adele played into my ears this evening at the most perfectly placed, movie soundtrack timing...but, other than that.
yeah.
it's a blur.
i used to be hungry. as i forgot to eat dinner. but, well, that feeling got swallowed up by a million other feelings.
bringing me back to brandy and cigarettes.
life, in the eyes on an artist, in the eyes of me, is insane.
and it does things to you that you don't get.
but make sense.
somewhere.
in the big scheme of things...it's all, well, perfect.

AND...on a totally related note...i went out tonight.
i went out to the art show, in the city and i saw my friend's art, hanging on a wall.
it was perfect.
and i now, have a place to go to, in upstate new york, if i ever want to go.
and i met a guy in a budweiser sweater with a handlebar mustache who played pinball, semi-professionally...as well as the banjo.
and i fit right in.

and...i was asked to never stop doing what i do because i inspire an amazing artist to never stop doing what he does.
artists are so subtlety competitive.

and yeah...i'm gonna go to bed.
i have to be an an art fair in a little bit...

can't i just buy some new sass?

(went out and shot some suburban night life last night...those guys are crazzzzzay...)

so...i'm having this fb issue. it keeps reminding me how much cooler/funnier/wittier/smarter/sharper/etc... i was in 2009. i go to update my status and over in the corner, it tells me what i wrote in 2009 on that exact day...and believe you me, it was always way better than the dribble i am trying to update my status with in 2011. it's giving me a complex.

today...i mentioned it on fb...via status, of course. i snapped and said something along the lines of 'well, according to facebook, i was officially way funnier and cooler in 2009.' and the responses were what you'd expect of a 'honey? does this make me look fat?' question...

one person said, 'oh. it's okay! i still love you in 2011!' and a couple more 'liked' it...which is the equivalent of an internet head nod and another said quite simply, 'agreed. you've lost your edge.' he followed it up with, 'i'm sorry, i'm sure you're still quite charming...hey! i know some great grimy places to go photograph!'

so...as i found myself getting super excited about grimy places (he's a graffiti artist...of course he knows grimy places) i also found myself thinking, yes. he's right. i've lost my edge. i'm rounded. i'm an over-dramatic, rounded, weirdo who's completely depressed, at the moment, about my terribly high levels of lameness. i'm a lame, round, weirdo and i'm so crabby about it. i mean...i know i've been sucky lately with, well, anything remotely social...but this feels like i lost my favorite pound puppy or something. (and i have no clue where that analogy came from.) i mean...i have no reason to be witty or sharp or funny or anything, i guess, because i don't really talk to anyone, but this blog, but whatevs. (yes. this blog is now a person.) seriously. i suck. i need to get less sucky but i have no clue how. guess i stay stuck in sucksville. sucksucksucksucksucksucky.

argh. okay...enough of that. on a totally unrelated note...i had an amazing day thrifting and shopping. i even got cowboy boots. and right now...i'm gonna go back to beading a necklace and watching mystery science theater 3000. it's a good one tonight...giant turtle versus some weird humungous lizard thing all dubbed in english--since it's a japanese flick.

omg. i'm depressed.

and pathetic.

focused. i know, it's weird.

so. after deciding that i'm not going to actually get my dream, downtown, studio for, well, like, possibly ever...i got depressed while looking around.
i live in the burbs.
yes.
it's a sucky place for art-minded individuals to dwell.

i mean, i'm used to being the weirdo who dresses differently and prefers public intoxication over private intoxication and likes blink and dylan and cash over maroon 5, bolton and chesney. i like my yard to be colorful and quirky over matching and, well, bought at kohls and i say things when i shouldn't...but, well, okay, i'll be honest, that's always been an issue i had. basically, i'm a city-looking/acting girl who lives in suburban midwest and i'm actually, totally okay with it...for the first time ever. i love, love, love looking through my lens at city lights and fashion and different walks of life but, well, i'm here, not there.

so, i started thinking...as i do, and i realized that the majority of the photos i see are straight outta the city streets or, well, the countryside--there's a huge chunk missing. the middle class, the 'burbs and that's right where i am. so, while still photographing city and country, i'm going to heavily focus, for this next year, on suburban, midwest living. maybe try to find some shell of rockwell through my lens or maybe not..who knows. i just know that i've needed an 'assignment' for awhile and this is it.

the photos i put up tonight are the first installment...'late summer suburbs'
just everyday life...just, the norm.

on another, artsy note...fall is here. it showed up, at my door tonight. this weekend, i'll be hanging out at a local art show, doing natasha wescoat, inspired projects with kids. then, i'll be checking out a gallery opening, in the city. it looks like a friend's showing and i'm super stoked to go see what new stuff he has...as well as seeing what else is out there. i think i'll go it alone, so i probably won't be there long, but i gotta get out and do something before i start growing out my winter beard. i know. that was a weird thing to say. but hermits have beards. mostly. or lots of cats. and i like beards more than cats...

this one's for the dogs. hah!

(i finally shot through that roll of film...though haven't tried to rewind yet...)

(this is how she stands...before falling in...)

(some of my family, out in the pontoon...)

(the big and little dog)

these are a few shots from the last couple weeks at the lake. labor day found me sitting around in a sweatshirt and jeans all day...so, this weekend's 90-degree temps sent me back up with my kid, her friend and my dogs so we could actually get some swimming in. the kids swam for hours while i got to listen to the game and chat with my dad and family.

the only issue...my dogs. my little dog, i think, has passed his 'outdoors peak'...he's only five but he is literally the equivalent of a k-9 garfield. it's ridiculous...he used to love going up there but now, after he sniffs everything for thirty minutes, he just whines because he doesn't have a soft and comfy spot to lay down a nap. he walks around with a high pitch cry, then flops down in the grass, whines some more, gets up, wanders around and does it all over again. i'd feel terrible leaving him home, but it's so irritating. he's just an indoor dog i guess? maybe he'd be happier at home? he's a beagle so he'll smell everything on my the second i get home from not bringing him to the cabin and i'd feel terrible...then again, maybe he'll be thankful i left him? idk. next time, i'm not thinkin' he's gonna come and i'll see how he takes it when i get home...i'll bring him a hotdog or something--that'll appease the little guy.

then there's the big one. she's awesome and fine with anything...from sleeping on pavement to being wet for hours. (the little dog fears the water as much as cats.) but the big one has this issue where she frequently falls out of boats. she wants to see if there's fish in the water but she always leans over too far and accidentally dives in. i don't know if you've ever tried to get an 85 lb dog back into a boat when it's slippery and they're freaking out, but, it's not fun. at all. (this dog has lived at three different homes in her four years of life. her first home abused her and the other two left her in a kennel more than they let her out. she'd never seen water or even knew what the word 'walk' meant, before coming to live here. so far, 'walk' has become a quick part of her dictionary and water has, well, it's becoming a skill set. she can swim, but it isn't pretty...but she has no fear of water either, hence why leaning over too far isn't that scary for her.) regardless, yesterday, she fell off the paddle boat we were on. getting a dog back up on to metal, when it's wet, sucks. we should have just peddled super fast and made her swim in...but the kids were in charge and were already annoyed that it was so much work in the first place. once i finally got her up, she leaned over to see more fish and almost went in again--that time, i grabbed her.

uhm. i just wrote an entire blog about my dogs. that's pretty much like telling baby stories the whole time you're at a party. well...maybe it's not as bad, but, let's face it, it's pretty lame. on a side note...i'm all excited that this week holds my first thursday off from work. (note to self: come up with a catchy name for this.) i'm actually going to go into work for an hour, or so, because i'm setting up a teacher prep day for volunteers and that'll be the first day of it, so, i want to make sure it all starts well. and i have to go to my other bosses house since i'll be representing the company at an art fair this upcoming weekend and need supplies. but, in between that, i'm going shopping. i want to go thrifting and clearance shopping and find tons of treasures...pretty sure most refer to it as retail therapy--i refer to it as treasure hunting. i'd love new work stuff, like some clothes and a few office-y things plus picture frames and old furniture are also on the list. the thursday after that, depending on the colors, i'm planning to head north, a bit, maybe up by my cabin since it's gorgeous and i decently know the area, with coffee and my camera. i'm tempted to bring the big dog for company but i'll see. the thursday after that, i start teaching art in the afternoon so idk what the day will hold...i just have to be back in the general area by two, so i still have most of the day. i'm excited.

okay. this blog needs to end. i've went from dogs to work schedules and i'm sure you have better things to do than sit here reading, waiting for me to say something important and maybe even funnier than my title. (it was funny. to me.) i do apologize if you feel i've wasted your time but, remember, i don't charge admission...