(a fun, fall, capture!)see, i do a lot online. i find so much inspiration from others and i deeply enjoy being a part of a larger, worldwide, community of photographers and writers. it's great to find conversation at all hours, to learn more, to want to do more, to be able to connect with like-minded individuals and to feel like i fit in somewhere.
but lately, i have this feeling of frustration stemming from the fact that i basically live my life on the 'other' side of a one-way mirror. people close to me, are actually further away from me, than people on the other side of the world that i've never, in-person, even met. they just watch me...never bothering to respond in person to me, reach out to me, or say hi. they just read and watch and because i'm a 'public' figure, in-a-sense, that's very easy for them to do. and that's fine. but, i very rarely get to see or read anything from these people...and when i do reach out and say hi, nothing is ever reciprocated. i'm just a 'bookmark' on a web browser to people to click on when they're bored or wanting to gawk, and/or, stalk. it's been like this for years now, in some cases, and it's just getting old.
and the other thing with the one-way-mirror thing...i feel like i'm constantly being judged and critiqued and talked about, yet no one even heard my voice say the things they're critiquing. there was no body language to correspond with my words, no vocal pitches, no eye contact...nothing. just silent snapshots that allow people to feel as if they 'know' me...and it's weird. it doesn't make sense to me. despite being of this internet generation and being 'open'...it's still odd to have people i haven't seen in so long, know so much...and then follow up all of their 'oh! i read that you did that...' statements with, 'and i just figured you...' yet, as they're saying that, i have zero clue what they've been up too...and it's not for lack of trying on my end. i follow blogs, comment on photos, email random (sometimes drunk) thoughts, text to say hi--hell, i even comment on celebrities blogs/statuses/photos, etc... they don't know who i am, and that's totally okay...if i enjoy reading their stuff, i tell them. (okay...uhm, yeah, i AM terrible with phone calls; i just never have the time...and if i do, i typically prefer the silence.) and it's especially weird when the people who know so much about me, aren't following this blog, following me on g+ or fb and they don't call me or email me.
maybe i'm just awful to talk to in person or something...who knows? anyway...i didn't realize i had completely locked down my blog until i tried to access it from another account. i had been playing with my security settings and seeing what they all did--in an attempt to curb this feeling a bit. i'm guessing i just saved the wrong setting or didn't unsave something i had been trying. i'm back to open again (yay!?)...though i may just lock it all down again, on purpose (muhahaha). i'm going to talk to a few people to see if this is just me, or a normal thing, or a weird thing...and see what they do/did about it and take it from there. for now though...i'm back. yay. really. i know you're excited.
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