this is it. i promise.

(a couple terrible shots from when i was out with my dogs the other day. i wiped my computer of everything though and this is all i have...)

i've been doing lots of thinking and i swear, i'm only going to touch on this subject one.more.time...but i just couldn't figure out why the other night shook me so bad. and to figure things out, i prefer to write and write, and ramble on and on in the blogosphere about stuff that no one but me would ever care about. well, that plus, i shower. i do some of my best thinking in the shower. really. and while avoiding washing my hair tonight, i started thinking about things differently, and much more simply.

i freaked the other night because it didn't feel fair and i felt angry. that's it. two years ago, i got lied to by someone who i was close to. he was the last new friend i made. and then, i go out, for the first time, to see an old friend (whom i hadn't seen in, ironically, two years), and i see him. it shook me because i just got this overwhelming feeling that no one actually wants to be my friend. duh. they only want stuff from me. and they'll lie to get it. and they don't care about anything but themselves. and they don't see me as a friend, they see me as a commodity. and they don't care if they snuff out a flame, as long as they get what they want. and to try to connect the other night with this dark feeling hovering over me constantly, sucked. and to be honest, i had no idea it was going to hit me like that. i didn't even realize, until avoiding washing my hair tonight, that this was the big issue...so i felt super unarmed the other night.

i don't remember how to trust someone who simply smiles at me and that's a terribly, lonely feeling. i don't know how to look at them and trust that my smile back, is just a smile back and that they won't hurt me with it in the future. i second guess everything. i second guess everyone. i hate that how i trusted people in the past, has made me so deeply mistrust people now.

i think it was the irony more than anything. seriously, the first time i try to connect with people, i am, point-blank, reminded of how impossible that is, for me, in real life. and it was depressing. it's all so surfacey. i think i'm incapable of anything deeper because i don't know how to handle it or something. i'm positive all of my hermitness and avoidance of things is due to this and the major gaps in my other friendships too. it all makes so much sense and i needed to be faced with it to realize it. before that, i was still idealizing the whole situation...now, it's time to close the gaps and maybe cut my hair. (first...i will wash it.)

so...the plan, is to write this stuff down, in simple sentences, that sum it all up. (straight and to the point. no rambling.) then to hit send. i need to finally have a say and get some closure. i don't need conversation. i don't need assurance. i don't need apologies. i don't need attention. i don't need anything other than to say stuff. i haven't said a thing since. and then, i need to wipe my hands. and i'm going to go to a friend's house this weekend and try to catch up with her. and i'm going to contemplate cutting this hair of mine. and i'm going to buy a few new outfits. and i'm going to find inspiration in closure. now, i finally know what's broke...and knowing where the damage is, is the first step to fixing it :)