damage control

((having blog identity crisis...))

so. now that the dust is settling...one might expect things to be clearer, like i may now actually SEE my surroundings, but no. that's not happening according to my lack-of-plan sort of plan. (why do i always think that will work btw...? it has never failed me by becoming nothing more than exactly what it is...at least it's consistent, i guess.)

in the little bit of what i can see regarding my surroundings and what's on the sandy horizon, i'm either scared to death of or i simply don't feel like looking at. the rest of the stuff i still can't see is just a bunch of bloated, formless, nothing. either way...i'd willingly prefer to just stand there with my eyes closed instead--because there's nothin i really care to see anyway.

through all this, my biggest fault seems to be my ability to remain semi-calm and relatively positive. it's once again been misconstrued as my lack of caring or, consequently, possibly as pleasure in seeing through to the end, some grand master plan i've miraculously concocted in my secret lab. (it would be miraculous considering i can't even plan out a meal for myself.) either way, i try to keep myself off the peaks and valleys because they are never polite to my mental and/or physical health. the ups and downs i can let myself so freely rise and plunge too make everything about me so destructive. they leave me too, with many more broken pieces to try to scotch tape (or, unhealthily hope/look to find someone else to try to scotch tape), at some, yet undisclosed, later date--per the norm. i'm trying to remain on the flat road as much as possible...though, to be honest, i have had a few pretty rough days. (oh! my dreams! my dreams finally helped me! they single-handedly pulled me out of bed and out of the poor me, sad i was forgetting myself in.) and so yeah, i break here and there, at night, just to show i'm human--i'll save it all until then. however, then, i am 'worried' about. so, either i'm worried about or i'm callous. it's a fine line. i think i'll choose to close my eyes at this one too i think.

so yeah. it's so funny what you find the most solace in when times get rough. star trek, the original series, has become something i look forward to. a reward of sorts, for accomplishing something, anything, during the day. also, the late nights, when i finally decide to go to bed and am finally warm...total appreciation for that; i look forward to it everyday...no matter how good/bad the day was. i've been baking a lot--like, a lot a lot. and working too. and ordering photos to give away and then possibly to sell off what's left over from my christmas pillaging. and following the wild. i keep myself busy mostly. i've been pretty sober through it all too. last week, i did destroy two bottles of wine though. (i had forgot about that...i was drunk.)

anyway...that was my update. and also...i made up that title. well, it's not that original or anything but it works.

and look for the stars as the sun goes down...*

(makin soap day...recipes are good. don't have one currently. nor do i a map. or a clue...)

well, i guess that's it.

i feel oddly calm and am just trying to focus on that calm as opposed to that scared. ya know the scared...the kind that creeps in when you're in a dark room or when your foot's hanging over the bed and all of a sudden it takes over and you freak and run away screaming? yeah, that's the scared i'm trying to avoid focusing on because if i do, i'll probably panic. i'm kinda in the water without knowing how to swim and i'm mildly ok with the whole having to figure it out before drowning to death kinda thing--but, only mildly.

i am curious about how two people can go from being so used to major arguments, fights and the wall denting kind of anger--to, with a few painful, yet simple, words, being absolutely cool with each other--and, in fact, actually kinda liking each other. i mean...the realities of the situation have yet to reach the surface and all but, for right now...this whole treading water thing is MUCH needed for sanity--and i'll take it. it's like a vacation and, so far, it's the BEST vacation i've been on in awhile...also, the only.

yeah. no. i don't have the answers--hell, i don't even pretend to have any. all the 'what to do next's' and stuff but, for right now...it's really nice take a breath. let the air clear. see what settles. and figure out what to do then.

for now...just tryin to remember to eat. and breath. and sleep. and talk to other people instead of just myself. and to not randomly break down because i'm not doing any of the above mentioned things and i can't function anymore--which seems to be the hardest part. and yeah. it hurts really bad...but, compared to the alternative--what we've been living--this is pretty ok.

(* angels and airwaves, everything's magic)

like beating a dead horse to death *

(just...home...)

you are right. (you. not you...) after re-reading, i'm realizing that yes. i am being well, me. and i don't mean to, but but, i don't feel like you listen any other time. i've said it all before, so many times, and you still don't know, you still blame everything else. when i feel constantly blamed, it makes me constantly feel backed into a corner. when anyone, or anything, is backed into a corner, lashing out happens. like we both said, we've never been here before. we have no idea what to do next or where to go next. we just keep throwing stuff at each other and neither of us are working together and neither of us have enough hands to catch everything coming our way. so yeah. i don't know. but, i felt the need to say something. just know that this is the one of the awfullest feelings i have ever known. everyday i'm stressed. everyday my stomach hurts. i don't eat. i don't sleep. the dreams are insane again. i wake up every hour or so and my body is all cramped up...i would imagine from the dream stress and tightening my muscles. i want it to all get better and i want it to all just be done. i want to feel better and i know you do too. problem is...how the hell do we get there? close our eyes and take a big frickin jump--see where we land and hope it's all amicable? shut our eyes and stay right where we are--know where we're gonna land, but hope it all stays peaceful? next week. i'll find a spot--someplace with a feel. we'll sit down. we'll listen. we'll figure it out. we'll make it work but for now...truce? physically, mentally, i am breaking down. i've conquered two more panic attacks but not by much. i'm internalizing so much. taking it out on me. knowing i'm so good at messing everything up. blaming me. not talking. just staying quiet and it's not helping but i can't talk anymore. this is the point where the unhealthy takes over for me and then, i'm no good to anyone.

i'm off to read tonight. tomorrow, soap making for the day. the next day work. the next day work. the next day off--but talks. then, the next six days in a row, more work. i'm a tad stressed about all the other stuff in the background...oh, ya know, laundry and holidays and a clean home in the meantime, but, i'll figure it out. keeps me busy i suppose and i've done it before. keeps my mind from wandering too, i guess...

*sigh*

(* so...get this...that's my own title. it's a miracle. i know. those are also my very own genius words up there in that title...)

i wanna have the same last dream again, the one where i wake up and i'm alive...*

(just dangling...)

i know i should sleep but i can't.
again...it's like one o'clock--just a.m. this time.

there's so little i actually know lately though...
i know i should have ate something more nutritious than tots and cookies at lunch today.
i know i shouldn't have drank so much wine on a completely empty stomach last night.
i know i shouldn't be so terribly triggered by a few words that were said, over the above mentioned wine.
i know that i'm feeling oddly, semi-ok, about things. (though that could be sleep deprivation mixed with hunger pains talking...coma setting in...)
mostly though, i know that i have faith--and faith is enough to settle any uneasy mind.

but that's about it...everything else in my life, yeah...i don't really know...which i'm totally cool with. i mean, i never really have it all figured out so this pretty much feels normal. and i don't mind going with the flow--i don't need a plan.

i just wish i had some sort of idea as to how to act and what to do in the mean time...



(* angels and airwaves, the adventure.)

(and also...thank you, my friend, for unconfusing me regarding the p.s./p.p.s/etc... nonsense of yesterblog...my head was all fuzzy about that and ya fixed it. your research paid off.)

just sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again*

one o'clock. or a little after.
sitting down to my first bit of food since breakfast yesterday.
refried black beans and corn. some sour cream mixed in for the dairy and fatty side of it all.
a cup of strong black coffee and a diet mtn dew.
i plan to eat again tomorrow at some point.
i think i need to start taking my vitamins again.

i've contemplated a hunger strike.
somehow that seemed slightly dramatic.
on that same line, i thought of a temper tantrum. that too, seemed dramatic oh, and also, a bit childish.
i considered shopping.
then i remembered i'm broke.

so here i sit.
for a brief bite of food.

i've cleaned mostly today.
gutted the kids room even.
four loads of laundry, mostly blankets, came out of that room alone.
lost and found and crusty dishes too. lots of those.
and it's only one o'clock.

idle minds, or idle hands, or something and something about the devil too.
so, up goes the music.
so loud the dog can't seem to find a peaceful slumber.
michael, veronica's, blink, gaga...it all sounds like gold and keeps my mind at bay.
i don't want anger to get in; i can feel it's trying.
i'd rather shut myself down for the time being.
stay focused on my main job.
because she's incredible.

i don't want the sad to get in, it's trying too.
along with the blame.
and the hurt.
and the tears want to come out but sometimes, they're only so i can feel sorry for myself.
like this time i think.
this is completely one of those just keep swimming times.

just all over though, i can't shake the feeling of simply mad.
like, above everything, i just feel mad.

next up, metallica.
loud.


(* disclaimer: ok...so, i can not think of ANY titles for anything i do lately. all i hear are song lyrics. so, until further notice, and from here on out, all titles will be completely and 100% unoriginal.)

(p.s. so, should i also put down the song? does it matter? like plagarism? but not really? out of reader curiosity?)

(p.s.s. camisado. panic at the disco)

(p.s.s.s. i still don't know whether it should be p.p.s.s. or, p.s.s. ((which looks like piss, yes)) or what. i have put thought into it. still don't know though. maybe, for future purposes, i should condense thoughts into a single p.s. then i won't have to wonder ever again.)

white flag up...

my life has been filled with people. like, really, pretty much, all-around, awesome people. i have always had great friends. yep. there's some who have went due to reasons that were for the better but they have all brought something to my life regardless. enriched it. enhanced it. taught me. whatever. and when i look back too, i have a lot of relationships are good, lasting relationships.

in all that time though i can count on three fingers the number of relationships that have been strong with females. but when i think of the male friendships i've had...i don't know how to count them. i simply get along better with guys. i always have. i think more like them maybe. maybe i like them because it's way easier to be me with guys. (i'm terrible at keeping plans, making plans, calling back etc... i'm awesome at random, 'hey...wanna catch a flick/get coffee/grab a beer/double date/hit the rink/go for a hike/pack up the camera gear etc... i don't get offended when it's a no. i don't think it's something else. they don't get offended when i can't or when i don't feel like it, etc... girls have a tendency to need a much deeper connection when it comes to friendship and that's so NOT me.) my best girl friends are much more like dudes than anything else too. they burp, fart, swear, drink beer, yell at sports, etc...

so, i find another good friendship. in another guy...pretty typical for me. actually though, he's the most like me of anyone i've ever met in my whole entire life, girl or guy. it's awesome. seriously very cool. no pressure. don't have to say a lot, don't have to do a lot. we'll discuss a book, or the game, or girlfriends and boyfriends, or kids...either way, there's plenty of good conversation over coffee, or facebook chat, to go around. we're both a bit odd. we get each other and we end up in weird head places together that seem normal to us and it feels pretty easy. i can hang out with him while wearing pajamas, no makeup, and messed up hair, and not think twice. no need to impress him.

yet, for the first time ever, in my life, i'm walking away from a friendship because of everyone else. i'm done. i'm cutting the ties and i'm going back to where i was. everyone is so quick to want to point a finger because of what desperate housewives, or the OC, or any other soap opera/hollywood movie says should be going on by now. i have never been the normal one...why would this be any different? why would this be typical? when i struggle with something, it's because i'm genuinly lost...definitely not trying to hurt anyone--just trying to find my own way. i'm not lost here though. no lines have been crossed and nothing physical is going on, whatsoever. but i feel so terrible, like i'm having some torrid, steamy love affair and also, killing puppies in front of children. something that felt so innocent and something that i was so grateful for when i needed something so bad turned into something so ugly, so fast. everyone pointing fingers. some of my closest friends talking behind my back. ganging up on me. making me feel like i have done something so awful. all the assumptions without questions. just fuel for their fire.

i feel resentful, but they mean well, right? i was pretty solid there...that whole confidence thing coming back to me for the first time in awhile. the whole not being told to 'conform so we won't fight' thing was going away. that whole, hey! i remember me! feeling...that i was feeling so proud of...well, that must've been a bad thing too, because that's how it feels. i rocked the boat too much apparently.

i hate sounding resentful, and victim-ish, and poor me, and whiny. that's how i'm sounding isn't it? i understand that no one seems to know that for me, this all started on february 21st, 2009--the day i was called a 'stupid cunt', in front of my daughter, in the car, during the drive to her birthday party--the day i shut down. nope. this all started with a solid friendship...one that i needed. that's where the finger's been pointed so that's where the followers stare.

so yeah. the friendship has been halted. i'm done fighting this. i give up. done guys. ok. done. you all win. i am so content, knowing in my mind, that i'm still in there somewhere. and i find enough solace in the fact that no lines were ever crossed, or even talked about being crossed. to fight the urge to feel angry--but it's hard. i guess that this is life, huh?

i had to write...i know you'll be mad

i had a panic attack to the likes of which i haven't had in years last night. it came on quick and took me away quicker. i should have felt it coming enough to recognize it but i didn't and this morning, my chest still feels as if i were kicked by the steel-toed, size 12 boot of a construction worker. every breath i take reminds me of all the breaths i couldn't take last night. the tears are still fluid even after a night of drying up and my body feels like the flu is trying to move in. my mind is trying to remember what it looks like to be normal so i took care of my hair and put on a gray sweatshirt and blue jeans but that's the best i can do right now. i'm making some strong coffee as i type to hopefully attack the fuzz in my brain but i'm not sure anything is strong enough for that this morning. i'm hoping for the drop of soap in greasy water effect but i'd settle for light breeze on a leaf covered ground...it'll get there eventually.

i have music on that reminds me of everything and nothing all at once and i'm stuck somewhere in between where i am and who i am, and i don't know how to move, and i don't know how to stay and i don't know anything these days--all of the energy i have left is focused on my little one; she's the only thing i seem to be wanting to focus on and the only thing i seem to be any good at, at all.

i'm trying to swim but i'm pretty sure i've already drowned but me, being me, won't admit that, i'll just keep swinging until i get knocked out--probably by something i've knocked off a shelf all on my own. and when it's all about you, how could you even imagine it might be about me? how can you see me when all you see is you? i keep changing and morphing and becomming to keep things and look at me...i'm a mess, but it's still all about you and all i'm not. i still keep hiding behind masks and changing my colors and i'm so far gone, and so deep down, that i don't know where to even start to get back out. like clawing my way through mud, slipping more than progressing, and it's my fault, and i know, but i hoped you'd do the same for me, the little things...not the big. i don't need the big. like way back then, when you were like that and when we met; but now, even deep in your eyes, you're not there and you fault me for still being there--i'm not still that person, i have become so much more, but it's not what you want me to be, so, it's not enough. but i can't change in this one way...especially after all of the little things i've asked for, for years, that you won't even sway gently my direction on--yet, you'll yell at me about my simplicity and complexity, all at once, and blame me for being difficult.
.
.
.
.
.
i have nothing else to say. i'm just staring, listening to box car racer (will i shake this off, pretend it's all ok that there's someone out there who feels just like me, there is...), thinking that i've been online an hour when i only should have been here for 30, but i can't find the road...

if i could, i'd only want to make you smile...

( my awesome new coffee mug...SO me. SO cool...makes coffee taste EVEN better... oh. and frames and computer are back in business. yay :) )

"i've been drunk for about a week now, and i thought it might sober me up to sit in a library."
-f. scott fitgerald

and, on the flip side: i've been a fool now for most of my life, and i thought it might wisen me up to do some reading.

i'm gonna hit up f. scott fitgerald. i like his stuff. from what i've read so far. starting the great gatsby tonight as well as a book with a bunch of his short stories/essays. i love that new book excitement i get.

so...

(delete)

(delete)

((major delete))

ah yes...the insight you just gained from reading this. i know. it's incredible. sorry...

someday i'll post it all. maybe...

nothin man...just nothin...

he says solemnly, "i've been reading over the last year and some months of your blog and it's become quite apparently i don't inspire you. i don't think i make you much more than content...mildly happy at most."

i think quietly, "you haven't read or seen a think i've done in over a year...? how can you expect to inspire someone..."

*sigh*

can't return me cause once you bought it...

yeah. so, there's some days that, believe it or not, i even look down and wonder what the hell it is that i'm wearing. this morning...while dropping my kid off at school i wore something that would have caused me, at my kids age, to possible never want to be seen with me again. i have a friends sweatshirt on. it's a black guiness beer sweatshirt that's only a little too big...it's warm though. that's what i was going for. then, then there's the bright red, two sizes too big, sweatpants that i also, maybe slept in. my not showing yesterday left my hair, well...let's just say, a tad bit messed up--so, i threw on a brown fedora. oh! then, there's the boots. near knee high brown, fur boots that pushed the red sweat pants up to my knees, causing them to bunch up quite nicely. and, to top it all off, my favorite navy blue poofy vest that i broke the zipper off last week...it's ok though...the pin on it has two cats on it and says, 'keep smiling.'

i'm gonna go shower now. and drink some coffee. i have this delicious coffee from a friend that i'm so excited to sip away on. also, i have to get to the dmv...the whole new license thing. i'm not gonna wear clothes that make it look like i escaped from a mental hospital this time. for the last four years my license has made me look like i should be hospitalized. (one drunk night, a friend looked at it, laughed till he cried, showed everyone else, got them laughing too, and then told me why. now...i just point it out to people to save myself the embarrassment. i have yet to have someone even slightly disagree.) so, what's the appropriate level of fixing you should do to yourself when getting a new license picture taken. i mean, i don't want to go all glamour shots or anything (do they still have those places btw?) but i do want to look better than last time. then again, most of the time, when i show my license, i am lookin all good and stuff...at the bar and stufffff. then again, again, when some cop finds me peeing in an alley behind the bar after bitching out the bartender for cutting me off because i maybe fell over while dancing and took out the shot girl...i'm not gonna be lookin all hot and stuff then...(that has NEVER happened btw. i am strictly speaking in hypothetical terms...)

ok. i'm stalling...

you know you make me feel so real...

(these 'fall' photos feel much more wintery...guess i'm plannin ahead or something)

i feel pretty ok today. wonder why...?

here's a list of all the could be's...
maybe it's the wine currently in my blood.
or the time i spent with my camera.
or the day i spent doing nothing but watching charles in charge reruns and eating halloween candy and then napping until i just couldn't nap anymore.
or the scattered conversation i had with a friend that made me smile more than any other conversation that i've had in awhile--even the long, un-scattered conversations.
or the fish sticks i ate, cuz i love fish sticks.
or the cranberry sauce...the kind that when it plops out of the can, still looks like the can. i love that kind the most.
or the fact that i really just don't feel like showering today, so i'm not.
or because i'm watching law and order, one of my favorite shows ever. (though, i know i shouldn't watch it while home alone...like i'm doing currently. i always freak out and become convinced there's a serial murderer/rapist in my house.

(i can't get don't phunk with my heart, OUT of my head. i mean it's ok...and good thing i like the song and all. in fact, it's one of my favorite ever black eyed peas songs but it's ALL i keep hearing...i guess this is better than the three days straight of boom boom pow. those darn black eyed peas and their AWESOME beats... oh. i brought this up in regards to my title today. really. it wasn't THAT random...really.)

i wish i could write as mysterious as a cat -poe

train of iris thought goes like this:

feeling so many things in life currently. so many things that are so much more than i can handle. searching for clarity. searching for answers. so confused...

listening to owl city. loving the music. wondering about my connection to their other songs. searching lyrics. loving what i find. start searching other lyrics to other songs of other bands that i feel the connection with.

realizing, that it's all been felt and done before. realizing that owl city is so shallow compared to the depths of what's been written and felt before. thinking that song lyrics are all simply poetry put to notes. start searching classic poetry. assuming classic poets and poetry became classic due to the fact that there is a connection felt by many, throughout time. it must be the answer to all that's wrong and right all at once.

can't get into poetry. as usual. keep trying. can't connect. break it down. start searching poetry quotes. suddenly, connecting. suddenly smiling. suddenly needing to read the whole thing...

i know i won't find the exact answer. i know i'll find something though. some normalcy maybe, some entertainment maybe, or maybe just some temporary solace in it all. regardless, it's all i feel i have to put any sort of faith in lately...


((in the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. ~walt whitman))

i'm out

(no frames for a bit. my laptop got in the way of some people shot gunning beers the other night. and yes, then i chopped off all their heads...ooooh, that sounded bad. i didn't chop of the beer guzzling idiots' heads. i cut off all the gummy bear's heads)

went for a long ride to clear my head. turned up the music as so i couldn't hear my thoughts. i just drove. called, talked to a friend, a partner in crime of mine. usually it helps. today, it didn't. thought about heading downtown to see him, normally that cures it all, always has. this time i said no and just kept driving the other way. didn't know this was all gonna happen like this. had i, i doubt i woulda changed a thing...i spose.

all the coffee tastes bitter. i can't drink it. all the notes sound so sour. i don't wanna listen. i just want to go. lay down. and sleep off this hangover. and i do know...i know this is all for the better and it's the right thing to do and all those words that go along with saying goodbye but it doesn't dull the pain of all this reality. now, before things cross any lines. now, after it's only been four weeks of conversation. now, is better than later for so many reasons--i get it. taking one for the team...totally the right thing to do.

i feel like i'm missing something. i am. i'm missing this part of my daily routine and i get it. i really do. and i'm not angry. not even a little. i'll deal, just like i always do. it's what i'm good at. in fact, half the shock in all of this is the fact that i'm taking this like this at all. i had no idea this would be such a loss of wind. i know it's not permanent. but there's no end in sight. every ding. every pop. and it's always someone else who gets a disappointed hello. and i could make the excuse to reach out. i still have stuff to give back but, right now, it's not the time. it defeats the purpose entirely.

so. for the next few days. i'm gonna make myself focus elsewhere. like, really focus on focusing too. i think i have too. if i don't, i'll lay in bed. alone. with my computer. staring aimlessly at the ceiling in-between completing sentences. (so, basically, exactly what i'm doing now.) yeah. i'm gonna try to write. or photograph. and, at least, try not to become dormant.

sigh.

i guess, if it was easy and uncomplicated...it just wouldn't be me...

so, yeah...

(so sweet. love <3)

so, yeah...(ya know...i start every sentence/thought with that lately. so, yeah. i just never know where i'm going with anything anymore.)

so, yeah...uh, here i am. eatin a romaine lettuce, cheese, mayo and garlic salt sandwich and watching charles in charge. it seems to be my comfort lately. makes me all happy and stuff so i'm sticking with it.

so, yeah...i don't really know what to say. i mean, i want to write. and i'm doing good privately, but this whole public thing when everything feels really private, isn't working for me. all that's on my mind lately are 'defining moment' thoughts and i can't write 'em out yet.

so yeah...i do know i'm definitely not eating enough, sleeping enough or thinking enough. i'm just doing and smiling and humming. i'm not entirely sure what's wrong with that but i feel guilty i'm not miserable enough. if that makes any sense.

so, yeah...

night and day

if i could photograph the sunny day,
if i could photograph the conflicting sounds,
if i could photograph the blurring colors,
if i could photograph the empty feelings,
if i could photograph the dark night...

i would.
but this is one thing that i can't capture.




honestly, i'm not sure i would--even if i could.

chirp

ok. so. sometimes, in my life (i know...this'll be hard to believe), i just end up feeling way more questioney than answery. (i know those probably aren't words, btw. sometimes, it's just easier to make up my own though. like tonight. my brain's all clogged up with questions...there isn't much room in there to figure out that whole english language thing...)

ya know. here i am. whining cuz i'm all full of questions and stuff but all that confusion doesn't even compare to the level of happy i am. i just am lately. i'm feeling 'got'. and i'm feeling like ME...like seriously, i'm remembering things that made me happy...things i've forgotten. i'm waking up remembering old favorite foods, the way i ate my oatmeal, the things that i really loved doing and the feelings of complete comfort that went along with them all. i'm thinking more like how i always remember thinking. i'm sleeping awesome. my dreams aren't like they were by any means...they're fun again. i'm feeling more like me than i have in YEARS. all these things that are flooding back to me...triggered by one chance event. i'm feeling so insane in all this but for the first time in forever, not bad insane. just regular old me insane. my gaurd is so down...and you're not giving me that look. you're not calling me crazy. you're not telling me how weird i am. you're not walking away because you have no idea what to say. you just get it. i am so in love with me again...and i only have you to think.

big bug...like a spider. can't ignore...

(why quack?? why...)

all right. so, if you've been around this side of the web for awhile and followed anything i've written in these past coupleish years (also, i apologize if you have)...then you will know wholeheartedly my struggles with many things...mostly, sobriety and cubes.

anyway, so. yeah. ok. see, i don't even know where to go with this. ok...well, here goes. (disclaimer:: i am sorry for any offense that will inevitably be taken by reading this. i am not a complainer about individual people. i love all peeps. everyone brings something to to the table...it's your mind that lets you enjoy it or not. so, when you open that thing up and let it actually BE the person you're with...it makes everyone, at most, absolutely, down-to-the-core, i think i'm in love, amazing...and, at least, entertaining for the time being. all-in-all, everyone is pleasantly palatable. oh, and i'm not complaining about anyone in specific...just peeps as a whole.)

so, i went back to my old place of employment. it's like moving back home after being out on your own...you know it's the best idea. you know it's healthy. you know it's easy. you know it's safe and you know it'll be a great place to establish yourself again. however, when you walk back into your parents place, suitcase in one hand, crushed dreams in the other and all you can smell is the putrid smell of defeat emanating from your mom's oven. (a.k.a, meatloaf. yes. mom's meatloaf is exciting...but it's not the new thai place down the road from your old apt that you hadn't quite had the chance to try yet exciting. it's not midnight movie theatre popcorn exciting. it's not a spur of the moment, road trip, little cafe exciting...nope. it's the same thing you've been eating all your life. and you smile and you feel thankful, but you don't feel that smile inside...you feel failure. that's your ego talking...and for a girl without that much of an ego...mine sure is loud lately.)

yeah. the job i speak of is that fresh out of high school one. the one i had when i didn't know what i was doing in and with my life. the one i had when my biggest care in the world was how my ass looked in my work pants (ok...that maybe still ranks up there in the top five things i care most about...don't judge). the one i had when i had all these plans for all i'd be doing by the exact age i am now...but alas, here i am. i'm back there. it turns out that all i thought i wanted to be doing, i hated. it turns out that what i should have done in the first place, i had figured out by the time i was six--but ignored because of what other people said.

so, i'm back where i started. i can't figure out if i feel more like i failed; or, if i feel more like i'm finally starting shit off right; or, if i feel like this whole thing is one giant cop out. i guess all that can really be said for anything in life--is that right now, at this moment, i'm right where i'm supposed to be... (that was my moment of faith for the day, btw...)

hey! there wasn't anything offensive in there! i guess i just didn't want to sound all holier than thou, or superior, or snotty, or anything...and i didn't! i didn't even try not to. it just happened. i was accidentally nice. i rock.

(((p.s. i refuse to edit my blog tonight. after staring for so long at these words...trying to make my feelings make any sense at all...i just quit. that's right...take that you misplaced semi-colon and you, missing comma...screw you ALL.)))

m & m's

so, i found a new, incredible, candy. i have been eating a ton of it lately...like, well, it's pretty much all i eat. but it's not making me sick or anything...in fact, i'm only liking it more. it's almost all of what i've always hoped to find, mixed into one, and it's making me feel really good. i'm pretty sure it can't be good thing that i'm so addicted to this, i mean...i'll stop before i get a stomach ache and all...well, i'll slow down anyway...but right now...i feel like i've found it.

for the first time in my life, after i figured i was the one and the only one, it's here and i'm here, and it's good. yeah. my last, major favorite i found, was pineapple flavored soda. that was a LONG time ago, and i still cherish it...so, i think i'll be good...i know i will actually...

aventura

(mostly, i reside way out there. in the outfield. staring at the clouds...)

frick. just frick.

i'm taking something to sleep tonight. i have to make my mind be quiet for a bit. it's just so loud lately. so many questions. so few answers. so much wonder. so little definite. so much positive radiating from me. so much happy. so many smiles--they're mostly cuz i don't feel i speak the language lately and smiling seems quite universal--but, regardless, i'm still smiling so much it hurts.

no time to stop though--just have to keep swimming i spose. somethin will eat me. probably. gotta keep my eye on the prize. gotta keep the focus where it needs to be. can't stop swimming. can't float off. gotta stay grounded.

*sigh*

i just keep telling myself that my problem isn't that i'm an idiot or that i'm insane...it's really that i'm full of passion and depth. and ya know...i should really just face it...my IQ is only slightly higher than that houseplant and i'm more frickin insane than that mad hatter man from alice's adventure. no if's, and's or but's. it's just the way it is. no sugar coatin the truth i spose.

but...how do i fix a part of me that makes up who i am, just so i can stay who i am...? is it broken then? or has it just become me? like a tree growing through a tire? it's just there...

ok...so that sleeping pill kicked in and it has invaded my brain, like a snake. there ar no straight thoughts or right answers with me right now...at least that's what the zinnia's are saying...i may just go listen to them for while. my keyboard is warped and pissing me off anyawy.

i like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress

so, this weekend. yeah...this weekend i unbored-ed myself. through a a ton of smoke one night and a buncha wine the next, i am feeling perfect again. like, so perfect i pretty much hate it. i also pretty much remember most of my weekend too. well, the wine night there's a few missing pieces but other than that i'm cool. here's a montage of the highlights.

::fog, lights, disco ball, confetti, glitter::cool people, pretty people::adorable, flirty girls who like girls::

::dancin, dancin, dancin::smokey hazes::laughin till i pretty much pee::

::wine::talking fast and furious::live bands and loud music::

::cigarettes::messy tomatoes::textin, textin, textin::

::no sleep::downtown party::mj::good food

::stupid tv's::retro workout tapes::

*sigh*

i had about a rockstar weekend. i needed it so bad. i needed good people and good conversation. i needed to not care. i needed to quit thinking and just do it. i needed to let loose. i needed to dance. i needed to be told everything i was told. i needed to not be in charge. i needed a caretaker for a bit. i needed a friend and a sister. i needed to listen to everything i wanted to do and not at all to what anyone else said. i needed to feel normal.

it will be great to sleep in my bed though. like, super great. i'm a little tired...totally runnin on adrenaline at this point. well, adrenaline and the black eyed peas.

i was beggin you not tonight, not here, not now...

(wild gnome hunting is lonely when done in solitary form...)

unplugging's been good so far. (there's nights when it all wears on me, like tonight. i get lonely...online becomes my only social outlet. been trying to keep that to two nights a week. just need to get used to it, i guess.) been taking more time to clean during the day; trying to pass the time doing my own thing. like cleaning mostly. i guess.

been pretty body focused too. whatever that means. keeping the nails painted, eyebrows plucked, going for the run, getting sun, taking care of my skin, eating little bits all day...mostly trying not to get obsessive and winding up at the doctor's again, all while being obsessive. it all keeps me feeling good about myself though, and confident--which some days, when i walk into target wearing sweats and flip-flops to buy milk for breakfast the next morning, makes ALL the difference in the world. it makes me feel wonderful to look at my shiny toes, soft skin, brushed hair and ten pounds lighter frame while i'm walking aimlessly toward a clearance rack looking like total trash. i think that's the difference lately between me being miserable and me being perfectly happy. just knowing i'm taking care of myself. there's such a fine line between that and self-destruction for me though. so far, i'm staying pretty well grounded on the right side and i am thankful everyday about that because i know me well. and i know how i struggle...

oh...and on top of all this, i've just been soaking myself in music. it's wonderful. anything from the beatles and fallout boy to willie and stevie--with tons mixed in between...i'm there. it's incredible what a cup of strong coffee in the morning with blink's cheshire cat album can do to me.

oh, and speaking of music--very funny pandora. yellowcard. at this very moment, with these exact thoughts--you play that exact song. the volume, needless to say, is way up and a whole lot more will get written in this blog that will yes, be inevitably deleted.

*sigh*

but, i'm bored

i need to unplug. seriously. wtf am i supposed to accomplish if i'm just online? i'm finding myself using the keys as a tool to be lazy. yes, my only social outlet is currently facebook but i have to massivly cut the time. i'm bored with so much in general currently...and now, i find myself staring at facebook to pass the time. not cool. so not cool.

if you have nothing nice to say, blah, blah, blah...

it rained today. a lot.

also, i think that i really miss the spartans on snl. you know...will ferrell and cheri oteri. they were hilarious. snl has been really funny these last couple of years--but, well, as i'm watching the best of will ferrell, i'm missing them stupid cheerleaders.

oh. and also...ugh. dreams. whatever. i'm dealing and i'm done talking about them. my boyfriend is holding them against me. yep. because i can control my dreams. whatev. i can control what i talk about anyway.

i'm kind of in a lousy mood i think...as i type, i'm having a hard time finding anything nice to say. i am cracking up at will ferrell doing alec trebek though. i think i should just try to sleep. i have a few hours before it will actually happen anyway...

bombs away

(a friend said...let the dreams inspire you. so...i got dreamy)

last night...the chinese invaded. i fled the major fighting zones though, only to find some sort of slavery/solace in a half destroyed building full of americans who were hiding from the conflict as well, but still being controlled by the chinese.

when i woke up, because things were too intense, i felt better--until i dozed back off, only to re-enter the war zone, in which conditions had drastically worsened, and meet up with another girl and a guy. we managed to just barely escape the bombs, the capture and all the shooting and went off to lead a rebel uprising.

i'm a little scared to sleep tonight...

that's a funny one...

(this is entitled, 'barbies. drying.' i know...lame-o...)

last night, i took tylenol pm. i slept. it was a miracle...a modern day, medicinal miracle. or somethin like that...

this morning, i had just one dream. it was majorly messed up. there was fbi, cia, the mob, physical assaults, drugs, john hughes movies, michael jackson, birthday parties and lots of kids, rollerblades, cracked coffee cups, helicopters, my cabin, serets and a heroes character. unfortunetly, that's all i can say about it though. i'm noticing a pattern in my dreams, which is good, i guess. i don't like the pattern though and it's a a pretty transparent pattern for those that know me...so i'm just going to be quiet on things for now. apparently, it's something that my sub-conscious mind is a bit stuck on lately...though my regular mind doesn't seem too affected by it.

*sigh*

so...um...how do you get your sub-conscious over something? maybe i need hypnotherapy or something? like in office space--when that guy got hypnotherapy and then got 'normal'. ugh.

or maybe time will just take care of it...

hah!

*yaaaaaawn*

(baking...one of the many things i busy myself with weekly to stay alert...)

i guess, i should be happy to report that, with a stolen ambien, i slept decently last night. with the ambien i only had a handful of dreams. the main one, i was living at a house with my boyfriend and there was his part of the house and then his best friends part of the house (his best friend was my exes best friend, btw). i was their maid basically. i cleaned. there were lots and lots of details, dvd cases, shelves, necklaces, phone conversations, garbage, dust...lots of detail, lots of color.

another dream, i took a little raft out through our flooded streets with my camera, of which i could not find the neck strap. i had my big lens on and was trying to shoot the moon and the circles of rainbows that were everywhere...though they kept going away when the sun would come out. i ended up falling off the raft and trying desperately to save the camera...which i did.

i also dreamt of night time restaurants with dangling lights, freaking out on a friend's pregnant wife for being a bitch and dogs that died years ago.

i don't know why i think this makes a good blog. it doesn't. i know. but it's majorly affecting me lately. i'm tired all day because of this...i'm sick of falling asleep while checking my e-mail at noon. (i haven't done that in a couple weeks now...really...) some nights are better than others...i don't know why. i'm thankful it's not every night at least--i do get a little time to catch up. i'm just so tired of fighting this. heehee. get it. tired of this. heehee.

shit. even my jokes have gotten worse. they used to be so good. remember? yeah...neither do i.

all i have to do, is dr-e-e-e-eam...

(the kid did this. she thought she was making the sink pretty)

last night, i dreamt about:

my friend's boss and an imaginary co-worker of his, washing my three favorite bras, answering the phone--only to find out it was dead, chatting with and making plans for my mom this week (i gave her, in the dream, all my days and times i was busy this week. they were the actual times i AM busy), getting fired from a job, my dad checking out the panty lines of a friend of mine, a friend complaining about putting on a few pounds (in my dream, she reflected roughly the weight gain from her real-life current weight), buying christmas door/window hangers with cardinals and snow on them, on clearance for .75 cents each, breaking up with my current boyfriend and hooking back up with the ex-only to find out he was living on a lake with his actual girlfriend and trying to break up with her while pacifying me by lying and wearing drab clothes while walking through long grey hallways with drinking fountains.

and THEN, there was the movie dream...i was actually andy (and IN the upcoming movie, toy story 3--which i do not know the plot to), who was dying of cancer and being taken care of by a care giver while my stressed out mom looked on (i remember treatments, medications, surgery's, radiation, etc...). woody and buzz were there but the movie really started when i died (i remember flat-lining and the sheet being pulled over me)...apparently it took the toys to bring me back to life. the twist at the end of the movie was that i loved them so much, i brought them to heaven with me...they never brought me back to life after all. oooh...

i woke up after the majority of the dreams because they were SO real and i was freakin out. once again, there were colors (VIVID colors of many different shade and hues), smells, emotion and thoughts (thoughts within dream).

needless to say, i woke up quite tired. what the hell? i mean, i don't want to quit dreaming but the dreams are multiplying like freakin rabbits lately...

my kinda, sorta apology

(tonight's storms...this was well after the rain quit. the lightening was incredible...)

oops. please excuse last night's ridiculousness. i take it back. well...i take most of it back. okay, i take nothing back really...otherwise i would hit 'delete'. it was a bit, well, drunkenly harsh though...

i think i shoulda broke a law

(did i post this already? hmmm...oh...and i'm too uncoordinated to add a frame. and my name)

ya know. not just driving but anything drunk should be against the law.

no drunken texts. (just did that one...sorry exey.)
no drunken tweets. (just did that one too...)
no drunken blogging. (in the process of...)
no drunken eating. (cheetos at 11:30 pm. looking delicious.)
no drunken ramblings. (going to do that soon. sorry current.)

look. in my defense. i haven't drank wine in a very long time. in fact, it was since i was at my terrible cube job that i last drank any of that box of wine i finally polished off tonight. (that terrible cube job that probably scarred me for life and made me a temporary alcoholic.) (oh...double parenthesis again...i NEEDED the room in my fridge so i polished off the box tonight. oh...and for the record, i hate boxes of wine...but in my temporary alcoholic phase my current only bought me boxes cuz i polished off too many bottles to afford on $12/hr in the 21st century crappy wages.)

oh...apparently, i'm supposed to post a photo now. stupid rules i made up.

AND another thing...you made me gain 15 pounds

(it's a chocolate soy milk stain. i swear...)

so, um...like, when am i just supposed to have it all figured out? (excuse me forefathers and literary artists for my lack of decent english--but when i think of my life, i start talking like that. i don't know why.)

what i want to do so does not match what i'm supposed to be doing. i don't like khaki's much, if at all and i really hate cubes. i know that the service industry pays better than most cube jobs and allows you to be at home more...but when you say, 'hi, i'm 28 and i'm a server.' you just feel the need, by the weight of the impending stares, to follow up with, 'oh...but i do have a college education and i have tried cube life; i chose the service industry; i swear.' it's ridiculous.

it's like you need to work in a corporate atmosphere before people will take you as anything less than a loser. you need to have joked about having a case of the mondays with co-workers, spilled coffee on your khaki's, been stuck in traffic long enough to be late for an important meeting, done something stupid/alcohol related at a company 'holiday' party, decorated your cube walls with pictures of your pet(s)/kid(s) and spent too much money at starbucks and/or going out for lunch with co-workers in any given week before you have any sort of 'street cred' with the real khaki-wearing, cube-dewlling gangs of the suburbs.

so yeah. what the hell did i just ramble?

in short...fuck corporate america. i'm chosing a happy, non-prozac way of living. despite the impending stares...

insomniatica

(no. i don't have a dream photo. and no. i don't have a bloody photo. yet...)

yep. i slept last night. for the first night in days...i slept the night through. granted, i snapped and took two tylenol pm; but regardless, i woke up feeling like i actually got some sleep.

here seems to be the majority of my issue lately. my dreams. (a sample of just tuesday night: i forgot my child, been bombed from above by russia, found graffiti to photograph on a barn, rode my bike through dirt roads that sprawled over green lands, seen fighter jets come in to attack, had my ex re-do all of my favorite memories of 'us' with his new girlfriend, lost my dog...and it just keeps going when you add in all the emotions, colors, people and smells...)

i have ALWAYS been a very active dreamer. i have always had color in my dreams, feelings (both emotional and physical feelings are huge in my dreamland and can affect my waking day), i can feel weight, i can smell scents, i can hear things, i can alter and change the way dreams are going, i can put myself into a dream of choice, pull myself from a dream and/or keep myself in a dream. (when i was little, due to the graphic nature of some of my dreams, i HAD to learn to change them and pull myself from them or i never would have slept.) (oh...one more parenthetical statement-i, only very recently, learned that not everyone can do that. it's called lucid dreaming i guess and when you google it...all these weird head-in-the-clouds, astrological hippie, wanna-be spiritualist's sites, playing crappy midi music pop up. you know the kind.)

anyway, so, yes. i slept last night. but my dreams were so intense and the medication, mixed with the already existing exhaustion, was so strong, i was forced to stay in some pretty bad dreams. though somehow, the fear that would have normally went with these dreams wasn't there as prevalently as i think it should have been. don't know why...maybe my emotions were sleeping too.

the first dream was a long drawn out one about my nephew dying. it was terribly sad. there was so much lonely in the dream. nothing was right, everything was alternate and i woke up actually crying. after waking up...i went to the bathroom, shook it off and went back to bed. the next dreams were all about blood. in one...a woman i used to work with ripped my earring out. all this warm blood started pouring out of me. all over my body, down my neck. it was so weird. the next dream, i broke every bone in my leg. the doctor was wiggling it to set it, while i was still conscious and then i felt more blood...it felt the same as the previous dream...and when i looked down, my foot was covered in rivers of blood. the blood dreams didn't phase me a bit though, the pain of the broken bones and the crunching i could feel when the dr was setting them was a bit hard to take, but seriously?

so yeah. that is why, when i have bouts of insomnia...i start to lose my mind. i wake up, from the little that i did sleep, feeling like i didn't sleep. and when i do take medication, i wake up feeling like i just got attacked because i can't change my dreams like i need to.

ya know...i've had a lot on my mind lately and have been struggling with a few things both emotionally and physically so i like to think my dreams are simply reflecting that, but why do they have to be so disturbing? shit. last night alone, i lost enough blood to kill me.

15! 15! 15! 15! 15!

(no. i didn't take a picture of her. though i should have. and i should have photo shopped devil horns on her)

dear pregnant woman at rainbow foods yesterday,

the whole concept of the 15 items or less line is so that people who have 15 items or less, like myself, don't have to wait behind people with full cart loads of food, like yourself.

i think it sucks that, on a monday evening, every line is stretched nearly back into an isle and there's only three lanes open. but i think it sucks more that the express lane, is being consumed by you, your pregnant self, your wic vouchers and your slower than a snail method of unpacking your cart.

oh...and when you continue to look back at everyone standing there could you at least say sorry instead of moving even slower because you got distracted by our scorns?

sincerely,
me

you're gonna be in a word of hurt missy

(at least my kid still brings me flowers :))

ok...i was yellin at my kid the other day and without even thinking about it i yelled, 'if i've told you once, i've told you a thousand times, the kitchen counter is NO PLACE for your dirty socks--get out here right now young lady!' (then, i shuddered.)

that got me thinking...it's amazing how often, and how effortlessly, old mom phases come bellowing out of me as i, say, scream outside at my child who's chasing the dog with a hose. ('ya know...a snake would have bit you by now and you'd a had it comin!')

for today's blog...i thought i'd list some of my favorites (this isn't MUCH better than yesterday's blog...but it's a little better):

-if you make that face too long, it's gonna stay that way. (i use this one all the time as we're in a cross-eyed, photo-posing phase currently. when she questions it, i tell her it's probably true, because i've seen people with crossed eyes before...and then i tell her to never stare or ask them if they held it that way too long. it's bad manners--just know, that's probably why their eyes are crossed.)

-good god kid...just don't bleed on the carpet. (this one is courtesy of my grandma and has been said many times by me. last time, when my kid refused to stop crashing her tricycle into my truck tires i eventually snapped and said, fine...do it all you want but i swear, if you fall off and get hurt you're on your own--and for the love of god, you better not bleed on the carpet, i just cleaned it and you'll be in a world of trouble. she paused, thought about it and never did it again. thanks grandma.)

-you're going straight to bed. no dinner. (this one always works in the evening. it's not like she'll starve, but she thinks she will, so it works. she's never actually went to bed without dinner, but it's clearly a big fear of hers.)

-eat your food! there are starving children in africa. (ah yes...guilt and empathy mixed together and thrown at your kid to dwell on over a plate of half-eaten broccolli. the only thing that changes over time with this phrase is the country. i never give her more than i know she can eat. i know how big her fist is, so i know how big her tummy is. there's no excuse.)

-stop whining and count your blessings. (classic. always good and induces many smiles when used while shopping.)

-wait till your father comes home. (for some reason, this puts the fear of god into my child. the WORST he's gonna do is yell but the remorse and pleading start instantly. i rarely need to tell him anything as the behavior is almost always corrected instantly.)

-don't you make me come in there. (i use this one a lot. mostly because i'm lazy...which is probably where the phrase originated from. well, mom's are rarely lazy...they just feel like that anytime the actually get a chance to sit down for more than five minutes.)

-what? do you think money grows on trees? (classic. it says it all. also induces smiles while shopping.)

-good lord child, i have a headache the size of a six year old. (this is my own. my kid laughs when i say it. i roll my eyes and grumble to myself.)

-go ask your dad. (usually, there is a long pause after i say this. i'm pretty sure she's weighing consequences and only about 50% of the time will she actually go ask.)

-sure! leave...but you're NOT comin back. (my dad used this all the time on me and i know i'll use it more in the future but every now and then, when it's teeth brushing time, i get told i'm a terrible mom and that she's running away. this response always makes her scream out of frustration, cry--and then brush. since having my own kid, i've realized my dad never really meant it, but it sure worked.)

-don't you dare come out of that room until you're ready to apologize--AND, mean it! (this usually ends after an hour long stand off. it works though. she has to calm down long enough to formulate a sentence and i have time to figure out how to get the green out of the dog's hair.)

-and, my ALL TIME favorite...because i'm YOUR mom and i SAID SO! (there is no comeback to that that won't get you into more trouble that you're probably already in. i am mom. period. you second guess that--you sit in your room. look, when i'm wrong, i admit it to my kid--but, that happens so rarely :))

mom phrases are the best. they're pretty much built to stand the test of time...and i'm pretty much in love with them.

here comes the me

(i said. i'm never shooting weddings. then i said. sure, i'll shoot a wedding. now i say. thank you so much for letting me be a part of your extraordinary day.)

hey. good to see ya. i'm back again. i know, i know. i keep saying that. i think i mean it now though. maybe. i've got the writing bug though. like, serious big time this time.

ok. so i'm done at my, for lack of a more fitting, mature word, stupid job. i think it's ironic how, for the first time, in quite some time, i have goals. (oh, and for the first time ever, i GET the movie office space.)

(uncontrollable rant coming up...it's my last about my old job. i swear.)

{{{{ i mean, it was tempting to stay at a $12 an hour job that didn't pay for my parking, give me benefits, overworked me with stuff they were too cheap to train me on so my only daily emotion was stress, gave me double the workload (with zero compensation AND over the holidays) due to my boss having a baby, cut my hours when she came back from havin a baby and required a 50-mile per day round trip commute--but um, mcdonalds is hiring.}}}}

so um...where was i? who knows. i never know where i am really. i'm not even sure what just happened. it was like the devil came out of my fingers and typed those terrible truths up there. i feel so violated. ok. i'm wasting your time right now because i think i'm interesting. ok. no. i actually don't think i'm interesting either.

anyway. goals:
-website
-cards to sell
-figure out what individual/groups of photos i want to sell
-get photos printed in 'mass'
-etsy
-frames w/mats
-canon ef 28-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS image stabilizer usm autofocus lens
-ok...that last one was a desperate attempt to insert a christmas list item into my goal list and have santa accidentally forget it's july and drop it on my stairs anyway. i would like a way better, all around lens than my 17-55mm--which is fine but, well...i've outgrown her. it's only $389 on bh photo. not bad right? i'll um...take your pic with it. oh...and i'll let you touch it. and um...well...ok. i got nothing else. oh. i'll also kiss you. maybe.

good god. i just re-read this blog and it's a mess. it's a giant plate of ADHD served on a salad plate with a melon baller.

aren't you glad i'm back?