insomniatica

(no. i don't have a dream photo. and no. i don't have a bloody photo. yet...)

yep. i slept last night. for the first night in days...i slept the night through. granted, i snapped and took two tylenol pm; but regardless, i woke up feeling like i actually got some sleep.

here seems to be the majority of my issue lately. my dreams. (a sample of just tuesday night: i forgot my child, been bombed from above by russia, found graffiti to photograph on a barn, rode my bike through dirt roads that sprawled over green lands, seen fighter jets come in to attack, had my ex re-do all of my favorite memories of 'us' with his new girlfriend, lost my dog...and it just keeps going when you add in all the emotions, colors, people and smells...)

i have ALWAYS been a very active dreamer. i have always had color in my dreams, feelings (both emotional and physical feelings are huge in my dreamland and can affect my waking day), i can feel weight, i can smell scents, i can hear things, i can alter and change the way dreams are going, i can put myself into a dream of choice, pull myself from a dream and/or keep myself in a dream. (when i was little, due to the graphic nature of some of my dreams, i HAD to learn to change them and pull myself from them or i never would have slept.) (oh...one more parenthetical statement-i, only very recently, learned that not everyone can do that. it's called lucid dreaming i guess and when you google it...all these weird head-in-the-clouds, astrological hippie, wanna-be spiritualist's sites, playing crappy midi music pop up. you know the kind.)

anyway, so, yes. i slept last night. but my dreams were so intense and the medication, mixed with the already existing exhaustion, was so strong, i was forced to stay in some pretty bad dreams. though somehow, the fear that would have normally went with these dreams wasn't there as prevalently as i think it should have been. don't know why...maybe my emotions were sleeping too.

the first dream was a long drawn out one about my nephew dying. it was terribly sad. there was so much lonely in the dream. nothing was right, everything was alternate and i woke up actually crying. after waking up...i went to the bathroom, shook it off and went back to bed. the next dreams were all about blood. in one...a woman i used to work with ripped my earring out. all this warm blood started pouring out of me. all over my body, down my neck. it was so weird. the next dream, i broke every bone in my leg. the doctor was wiggling it to set it, while i was still conscious and then i felt more blood...it felt the same as the previous dream...and when i looked down, my foot was covered in rivers of blood. the blood dreams didn't phase me a bit though, the pain of the broken bones and the crunching i could feel when the dr was setting them was a bit hard to take, but seriously?

so yeah. that is why, when i have bouts of insomnia...i start to lose my mind. i wake up, from the little that i did sleep, feeling like i didn't sleep. and when i do take medication, i wake up feeling like i just got attacked because i can't change my dreams like i need to.

ya know...i've had a lot on my mind lately and have been struggling with a few things both emotionally and physically so i like to think my dreams are simply reflecting that, but why do they have to be so disturbing? shit. last night alone, i lost enough blood to kill me.