(why quack?? why...)anyway, so. yeah. ok. see, i don't even know where to go with this. ok...well, here goes. (disclaimer:: i am sorry for any offense that will inevitably be taken by reading this. i am not a complainer about individual people. i love all peeps. everyone brings something to to the table...it's your mind that lets you enjoy it or not. so, when you open that thing up and let it actually BE the person you're with...it makes everyone, at most, absolutely, down-to-the-core, i think i'm in love, amazing...and, at least, entertaining for the time being. all-in-all, everyone is pleasantly palatable. oh, and i'm not complaining about anyone in specific...just peeps as a whole.)
so, i went back to my old place of employment. it's like moving back home after being out on your own...you know it's the best idea. you know it's healthy. you know it's easy. you know it's safe and you know it'll be a great place to establish yourself again. however, when you walk back into your parents place, suitcase in one hand, crushed dreams in the other and all you can smell is the putrid smell of defeat emanating from your mom's oven. (a.k.a, meatloaf. yes. mom's meatloaf is exciting...but it's not the new thai place down the road from your old apt that you hadn't quite had the chance to try yet exciting. it's not midnight movie theatre popcorn exciting. it's not a spur of the moment, road trip, little cafe exciting...nope. it's the same thing you've been eating all your life. and you smile and you feel thankful, but you don't feel that smile inside...you feel failure. that's your ego talking...and for a girl without that much of an ego...mine sure is loud lately.)
yeah. the job i speak of is that fresh out of high school one. the one i had when i didn't know what i was doing in and with my life. the one i had when my biggest care in the world was how my ass looked in my work pants (ok...that maybe still ranks up there in the top five things i care most about...don't judge). the one i had when i had all these plans for all i'd be doing by the exact age i am now...but alas, here i am. i'm back there. it turns out that all i thought i wanted to be doing, i hated. it turns out that what i should have done in the first place, i had figured out by the time i was six--but ignored because of what other people said.
so, i'm back where i started. i can't figure out if i feel more like i failed; or, if i feel more like i'm finally starting shit off right; or, if i feel like this whole thing is one giant cop out. i guess all that can really be said for anything in life--is that right now, at this moment, i'm right where i'm supposed to be... (that was my moment of faith for the day, btw...)
hey! there wasn't anything offensive in there! i guess i just didn't want to sound all holier than thou, or superior, or snotty, or anything...and i didn't! i didn't even try not to. it just happened. i was accidentally nice. i rock.
(((p.s. i refuse to edit my blog tonight. after staring for so long at these words...trying to make my feelings make any sense at all...i just quit. that's right...take that you misplaced semi-colon and you, missing comma...screw you ALL.)))
No comments:
Post a Comment