i'm out

(no frames for a bit. my laptop got in the way of some people shot gunning beers the other night. and yes, then i chopped off all their heads...ooooh, that sounded bad. i didn't chop of the beer guzzling idiots' heads. i cut off all the gummy bear's heads)

went for a long ride to clear my head. turned up the music as so i couldn't hear my thoughts. i just drove. called, talked to a friend, a partner in crime of mine. usually it helps. today, it didn't. thought about heading downtown to see him, normally that cures it all, always has. this time i said no and just kept driving the other way. didn't know this was all gonna happen like this. had i, i doubt i woulda changed a thing...i spose.

all the coffee tastes bitter. i can't drink it. all the notes sound so sour. i don't wanna listen. i just want to go. lay down. and sleep off this hangover. and i do know...i know this is all for the better and it's the right thing to do and all those words that go along with saying goodbye but it doesn't dull the pain of all this reality. now, before things cross any lines. now, after it's only been four weeks of conversation. now, is better than later for so many reasons--i get it. taking one for the team...totally the right thing to do.

i feel like i'm missing something. i am. i'm missing this part of my daily routine and i get it. i really do. and i'm not angry. not even a little. i'll deal, just like i always do. it's what i'm good at. in fact, half the shock in all of this is the fact that i'm taking this like this at all. i had no idea this would be such a loss of wind. i know it's not permanent. but there's no end in sight. every ding. every pop. and it's always someone else who gets a disappointed hello. and i could make the excuse to reach out. i still have stuff to give back but, right now, it's not the time. it defeats the purpose entirely.

so. for the next few days. i'm gonna make myself focus elsewhere. like, really focus on focusing too. i think i have too. if i don't, i'll lay in bed. alone. with my computer. staring aimlessly at the ceiling in-between completing sentences. (so, basically, exactly what i'm doing now.) yeah. i'm gonna try to write. or photograph. and, at least, try not to become dormant.

sigh.

i guess, if it was easy and uncomplicated...it just wouldn't be me...