like beating a dead horse to death *

(just...home...)

you are right. (you. not you...) after re-reading, i'm realizing that yes. i am being well, me. and i don't mean to, but but, i don't feel like you listen any other time. i've said it all before, so many times, and you still don't know, you still blame everything else. when i feel constantly blamed, it makes me constantly feel backed into a corner. when anyone, or anything, is backed into a corner, lashing out happens. like we both said, we've never been here before. we have no idea what to do next or where to go next. we just keep throwing stuff at each other and neither of us are working together and neither of us have enough hands to catch everything coming our way. so yeah. i don't know. but, i felt the need to say something. just know that this is the one of the awfullest feelings i have ever known. everyday i'm stressed. everyday my stomach hurts. i don't eat. i don't sleep. the dreams are insane again. i wake up every hour or so and my body is all cramped up...i would imagine from the dream stress and tightening my muscles. i want it to all get better and i want it to all just be done. i want to feel better and i know you do too. problem is...how the hell do we get there? close our eyes and take a big frickin jump--see where we land and hope it's all amicable? shut our eyes and stay right where we are--know where we're gonna land, but hope it all stays peaceful? next week. i'll find a spot--someplace with a feel. we'll sit down. we'll listen. we'll figure it out. we'll make it work but for now...truce? physically, mentally, i am breaking down. i've conquered two more panic attacks but not by much. i'm internalizing so much. taking it out on me. knowing i'm so good at messing everything up. blaming me. not talking. just staying quiet and it's not helping but i can't talk anymore. this is the point where the unhealthy takes over for me and then, i'm no good to anyone.

i'm off to read tonight. tomorrow, soap making for the day. the next day work. the next day work. the next day off--but talks. then, the next six days in a row, more work. i'm a tad stressed about all the other stuff in the background...oh, ya know, laundry and holidays and a clean home in the meantime, but, i'll figure it out. keeps me busy i suppose and i've done it before. keeps my mind from wandering too, i guess...

*sigh*

(* so...get this...that's my own title. it's a miracle. i know. those are also my very own genius words up there in that title...)