baby, it's not you...it's me...

(uhm...kolace's didn't really work well enough to actually give away. those things are really difficult! i'm gonna talk to my grandma again and try it again another day. i think i'll stick to my cookies, breads and cakes for the time being... oh! i'm gonna go to kolace days this summer and talk to them people too...)

well. my roomie came to me and said, 'i got a part-time serving job and i can transfer wendy's and i can go back to the sober house where i used to live!' and i stared blankly and i thought for a minute and all i could say was, 'so, you're lying to a sober house and backtracking in life? that's awesome. you went as high as you could, in life, apparently.' and i didn't say it nicely. i said it bitchily. (and holy hell, bitchily is a word. i know that because there are no red, squiggly lines under it.)

and then i went into my room and i sat there and i realized, it's me. it's all me.

i absolutely need to get over the idea that people are going to only do things that please me. and i don't mean like buy me awesome lenses and shoes and candy...i mean like not live up to the expectations i've placed on them. with my friend, the nasty boyfriend thing is a shock to me...but to her, she's happy. i fear for the psychological effect on her son and whether or not he's a good role model, and i know she deserves so much better, but she doesn't care so, so be it. she's looking at his boat and his big truck and forgetting that she has a son that needs to be picked up some days, and be trusted alone with him, and that she works in a corporate atmosphere that a rednecky, pot head won't fit in with, nor understand. she's okay separating herself from family, friends and her career, fine. it's my expectations that lead to my disappointments. she is lonely and looking for someone to share time and interests with. she's always been one to date questionable people...the good ones are always too boring. that's who she is. (i'm really tryin' on this one, but all i just said, up there ^^^ makes me sound not quite over it, huh?)

and my roomie, he's more comfortable at a sober house (despite being a social drinker, at most) and working at a fast food drive through. yes, he's 35 with no high school diploma but he's okay with that. (he came to live with us because he wanted to get back to school, get a car, enroll in some college courses and leave the service industry. out of all of that, he got a car. it's currently broke down in my driveway.) he's fine living off the system, never paying taxes, not showering for days, smoking cigarette butts from the ground and eating junk/fast food all the time. these things are who he is...i want him to be more. i want her to be more. but they are who they are.

i have an remarkably stupid way of only looking at the good and being completely blind to the bad. i get my hopes up and i get disappointed. and this isn't anything new...and it's not necessarily a bad thing. i just do NOT have the right to get angry at people, for being exactly who they are. (heh. this coming from an artist that expects a certain amount of slack when i randomly go crazy. after all, it's just who i am :) )