( i got the coolest new kicks for like two bucks, at target...srsly. i know i'm not like 80, but i still dig 'em...)as alluded to, in an earlier post, i've went internal. and when my mood shifts, i question it, deeply. typically, i'm one mood...content. i like most everything, i get annoyed with the same things, i laugh at the same things, i like the same people and ya pretty much know what to expect out of me. lately though...i'm all of the above, just inside my own head. somehow, putting the emotions out there seems like a waste of energy. the energy seems more useful in my head. i also am feeling quite lost lately. and yeah...i have an old friend who loves to laugh at me whenever i say that, due to, well...feeling/being lost most of my life...so this time, i thought i'd really think on that word--that word and feeling of being lost.
being lost can mean not knowing where to go. and i know where to go. i know what i'm doing, i know what i do everyday and how to do it. i do the same stuff, in the same way. i am full of direction in that regard. so, maybe in this case, being lost could mean, knowing where i need to go, but not being sure how to get there? i feel like that may be more of the case? but then i think...where the hell do i need to get back to, in order not to feel lost? and all i can think, is it's my creativity...it's got to have something to do with that. it's been so far removed from me. is that this vital of a chunk of me? when i'm working 40hrs and doing all the other stuff i do, will this happen every time? i'm not in a cube anymore, so that's much healthier, but where am i then? i can't be this dependent on that side of me, can i?
if i am, i just keep thinking, i need to kick it. break the habit. find an alternative to that side...because i need to work and i need to be 'normal'. i need to live in the burbs and have normal friends and work normal hours at a normal job because if i don't, i'm gonna lose everything...and that would kill me. so, yeah...lately, that's all i can focus on, i guess. my mind is set on fitting in without standing out anymore. it's time to do normal stuff, because if i could just fit my square peg of a self, into that round hole of life, i'd be in with everyone else and could be complete? i could work that job and do all that other stuff and be fine...it's the creative side of me holding me up and making things difficult--if i could kick that, i'd be fine and not so lost anymore and that seems to be the only option i have left.
and, don't get me wrong, my creative side doesn't send me on total benders and sexual exploitations. it doesn't make me pull all nighters and not show up to the normal job. it doesn't make me slice up my arms or throw things or do anything that crazy. but it does make me difficult to deal with and my sense of priorities shift slightly, my inability to focus becomes an increasingly large issue as well as the need to evoke some sort of emotion to get my juices going...and keep 'em flowing. (i seriously hate that term...it's so gross sounding...but it's so fitting.) ((and priorities shift in the sense that the kid and her stuff is, as ALWAYS, number one...i'm just number two...above normal sleep, normal working hours, normal clothing and hair, etc...)) so, i feel like drama tends to happen then and i'm usually tired and relying on coffee keeps me more unstable but keeps me going and feeling very much like myself...and i'm very comfortable that way.
when you're trying to fit into the burbs and 40 hours a week and stuff...all of the above doesn't work so well...it assures you'll remain the square peg and not fit in, ever. it also assures that your significant other, who is very much unlike you, is going to be annoyed, like, well, all the time (and you can't blame him). people like me don't really live where i do, and work how i do, for these reasons, i imagine. (after an evening at the local church, i did discover that me, being removed from the hairstyles and clothing of 1994 also keeps me from ever, truly fitting in...i think i'm okay with that one though.) and after i come out of one of those odd creative phases, then i clean it all up. i edit, i frame, i get crafty, i reorganize, i post, i get excited to pursue the next venture and so, essentially, it sustains itself. in a sense, i rely on my creativity to keep me going.
i'm whining. i mean, oh no...i live in a wonderful house, in a wonderful area, with a dog that i just learned, enjoys eating june bugs, an amazing child, food, clothing, heat, love, friends, etc...and i'm complaining that going deep into weird creative spirals doesn't fit in!? this all weighs on me too in this actually. i mean, really...how the hell can i even attempt to sounds so selfish? darn. i can't be 100% me...but i have all of this other stuff that so many people could only dream of having? there's no reason why i can't shift who i am to find complete happiness in where i am, right?
ugh. so, yeah...in a long nutshell, this is where my mind is lately. i'm consciously attempting to switch who i am and i am seriously struggling internally with it. i talk kid and job lately...that's about it. i don't really know what else to talk about. (maybe i complain about stupid people too.) i have to find a way to sell myself on this change and find new passions that do fit into my lifestyle though. it's difficult but i think everyone around me will be, and stay, happier?
i think this is how wedding photographers are born. yeah. that makes sense to me. a little. but, at this point, i'm way to tired to try to explain. and my dog's full and would like to go in now.
No comments:
Post a Comment