...you just kinda wasted my prescious time...

a mellow spring evenin's a'callin' my name tonight as the crooked tree waves its crooked arms in my direction.

and i'm gonna sit here and i'm gonna soak up the sounds of the dusk, splashed with some dylan in my ears and the whispery breeze on my skin.

i ain't got no where to go.
ain't got no time to keep.
just some jim and a dog who's watchin' the evening fall around me while keepin' up on the going's on in the grass around us.

i spent my day drivin' the highways that lead off into the sunset, but heard reality and turned before i got there, turned just in time to see some light and some friendly faces lookin' my way.

couldn't have asked for a better day...

sat at the lake this cloudy sunday, fishin' with the generations, watchin' clouds float lazily by, as i've done for my whole life past, waitin' for a nibble of somethin' new to focus on.
i mostly caught a whole buncha nothin' but never cared an ounce.
didn't matter.
i was there and life was around me, splashin' the dock with waves of reflection and years of growth.

and now, here i am, tryin' to figure out what i'm doing with myself.
feelin' all loose in my brain, like nothin's quite connected but it's all still there...just rattling around like screws in a tin can.

my voice is changing.

well, not changing, just going back.
the disconnected, chirpy thoughts of recent past are a result of not listening.
i've been majorly logged out of life lately and not afraid of the silence anymore and suddenly, i hear all of these words.

i can feel all of these thoughts.

and it doesn't feel anything but rich and full and beautiful.
and i haven't felt so connected with myself since forever...and it's all an incidental result of me getting crabby and logging off in a typical iris-haste.
of me telling myself i have to give myself up to make myself better.
i guess, i don't go down without a fight.
it's like real me, making a cameo in the tale of new me.

i keep thinkin' i'm crazy maybe.
((but i know YOU get it all though.))
if i was a cube girl, sittin' in khaki's, this would all be crazy.
but me, being me...it's pretty normal.



when your rooster's a crowing at the break of dawn
look out your window and I'll be gone
you're the reason why i'm traveling on
but don't think twice, it's all right

$0.44

(the studio area i share with my amazing child...this is the work she's pumping out, while sitting quietly, in a room, by herself...)

dear extroverts,

i, as an introvert, have something that i'd like to say. well, actually, a few things...and yes, i know, but despite you thinking it's weird, we internal folk do actually speak from time-to-time, yet we don't need to all the time...like you guys. (and i do have an extroverted side; it's smaller but it's there. it's typically dominant when i'm drinking or when it's required of me. see, after years of being made to feel semi sub-standard and, consequently, self-conscious about my introversion, i developed an abnormal, albeit semi-weird and slightly awkward, outgoing facade; though, when left to my own devices, alone, i am most happy.)

let's see, okay, back on track...where to start? how about i do it like this...

1) i'm not sad, moody, crabby, tired, mad at you, pms-ing, etc, when i just want to be alone. this world is built to cater to extroverts and the majority of careers out there require you speak to many different people, on a daily, if not minutely, basis. i teach preschool. i talk all day to kids, parents, coworkers, superiors and yes, myself too...so, at night, i like being quiet. of course i love hearing about your day but i just prefer to listen, that doesn't mean i'm mad. it means i need that quiet in my head to collect myself and regroup. not caring to talk does not mean there's anything wrong, it means i'm feeling pretty normal.

2) this one's slightly personal, but, kids CAN be introverts too. i have an amazing kid. she's reading at grade levels above her own, has a near perfect year of spelling tests, gets the highest possible marks in phy-ed, art and music, gets kudos from all of her teachers and has wonderful friendships with amazingly sweet friends. her not necessarily wanting to have a friend over, on the weekend, or going over to their house, does not mean she's lazy or that there's anything wrong with her that needs to be instantly corrected. every, single, weekend she's at a friends house or someone is at her house, she is sometimes just happy being reclusive...it's time to recoup. yelling at me how she's just like me is just stupid and makes no sense at all. it's nothing at all to worry about, or yell at me about because, well...go down to number three...i'll continue this rant there...

3) i think this is the biggest issue with you extroverts--you guys all think us introverted peeps need to be fixed! like we're broken or something, or like you guys are right and you need to get us to be like you so we'll be happy too...just.like.you. ya know what though? i am happy. perfectly, completely, content! if you guys would ever stop talking, and listen for once, you'd realize how ridiculous this logic is--it's SO flawed! you guys are just louder and whoever yells the loudest usually wins the fight, so, by nature, you simply assume you're right and we're wrong. you guys are always trying to get us to do these totally unnatural things, which we usually end up doing, but as soon as we want some quiet time to go for a walk with you or something, you scoff at it and complain about the boringness of it all and won't do it...or if you do, you ruin it by talking the entire time. this constant need to change an introvert is such an absurd idea, but it seems engrained in all extrovert's DNA.

4) oh, and just so we're clear on this, i don't need you for my amusement. you may go crazy when left alone for long periods of time but, i don't need your company to be happy. i don't need to have conversation every time you walk into the room. i think more than i talk, deal with it. i have the ability to amuse myself within my own mind...just because you can't hear me, doesn't mean i'm broken or you're not interesting, it just means i'm being me. you can leave me alone for days and i'm completely, totally, fine. it does not mean anything other than i'm normal and content.

okay...that's it. i think i've said what i feel i need to say. i mean, i understand that as an extrovert, you probably can't hear your own thoughts over your incessant ramblings and these concepts are completely foreign to you; but, shut up for just a little bit and think about this stuff the next time you say, 'what's wrong?' or, 'are you tired?' or, 'why are you so crabby?' or, 'what did i do?'

oh. and for the record...this time, i am crabby...hence why i'm speaking about this in the first place. if i was okay, i simply would have been quiet.

sincerely,
annoyed introvert

i think my words can be my image tonight...

shhh...

don't move too fast.

you'll break the music.

it's flowing so silkily through the air, filling me up with so much beauty and so much passion that i could never begin to put to words...never make the words move in time, filling the silence with memories of days past...and of future memories, of years that will surely pass too quickly with time...

his voice plays with the breeze, flowing as freely as my mind wanders.
he does make you want to caress the air.

and slowly, i close my eyes, and i let the song invade my ears, seeping seamlessly into and out of my pores, all at once, as the notes travel on, to break silently, like bubbles, as they hit the walls that surround me.

if colors were here, if they were real, the room would be filled with softness, and glitter, and bubbles that glimmer with the muted reflection of reality.
soft color, rich color, full color.
and me, in the middle of it all, swirling in my thoughts, swirling in my body,
taking it all in, yet losing so much when my mind undoubtedly wanders off to places it needs not go.

so, again, i listen.
and i hear what i lost the last time.
and i dwell in moments and reminders of emotions that have slowly dissipated with the inevitable passing of time, yet weigh heavily on this heart i hold so closely, yet struggle with so deeply.

like a sponge, dried in the desert, this monsoon of music soaks me with lust and longing.
and alone, in my mind, i get lost within all the commotion.
and i don't know if i'm dry, or if i'm on the verge, or nearing the end.
i just know that i'm here.
in this moment.
being reminded of all that came before this and being foreshadowed with all that will someday come.

i don't know if i should cry with loss, or smile with loss, and smile at fulfillment, or just stare blankly, at the colors and notes that surround me.

my life, so richly upon me, so emptily seducing me...i just feel it.
i feel it all.
and in these moments, i don't know.
and it's okay.
it's simply all okay to look behind and long.
to look ahead and dream.
it's okay to simply, be, in this moment.

i don't need to be beyond this.
i need to dwell in this...


i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are
all i can feel

remembering
you standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell in
holding you close
how i always held close in your fear
remembering
you running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
and screamed at the make-believe
screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage
to let it all go

remembering
you fallen into my arms
crying for the death of your heart
you were stone white
so delicate
lost in the cold
you were always so lost in the dark
remembering
you how you used to be
slow drowned

you were angels
so much more than everything
hold for the last time then slip away quietly
open my eyes
but i never see anything

if only i'd thought of the right words
icould have held on to your heart
if only i'd thought of the right words
i wouldn't be breaking apart
all my pictures of you

looking so long at these pictures of you
but i never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world
that i ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart
all my pictures of you

...you took my reality and cast it to the wind and i ain't never gonna be the same again...

(this is the best i have...and all i can do...)

i feel like an idiot, but i didn't even know it was your birthday today. i mean, we've been talking exclusively for a couple weeks now...as you're the only voice i want to hear...and, i can't believe i didn't realize it.

i fell in love with you so long ago. i remember readin' through your pages while sittin' on my daddy's chair. i remember, being six, and not really knowin' what you were talking about but that your words sounded beautiful when i read 'em out loud...and i liked how they felt leaving my mouth--and besides, the mystery was part of the fun. and i remember makin' up my own music to your poems and singing 'em loudly in the mirror. yeah. i was an odd child, but you helped me feel connected to something.

then i got older and i kept on readin' you...and slowly, things started making a little more sense but the mystery kept me intrigued. i swore you were talkin' to me, when i really needed someone to talk to me in the ways you did. you connected me again, but this time, to the side of me i was just discovering.

now...i listen. and i read, still. and you talk to me still. and you keep me connected still...but i respect so much more.

thank you bob dylan, for being there my entire life as a constant inspiration you have no idea how much i've needed you around...

the sun's not yellow, it's chicken

( i got the coolest new kicks for like two bucks, at target...srsly. i know i'm not like 80, but i still dig 'em...)

i just broke my facebook fast in order to procrastinate writing this blog. i mean, don't get me wrong, i have nothing i need to say, yet somehow, i just feel compelled to write. (and the facebook fast, in case you're curious, happened when the place became ugly and i saw someone get hurt--my actions were semi-involved. i didn't directly do anything but i egged people on and i laughed...until i thought for more than thirty seconds about what was actually happening and realized how wrong it felt. going back there right now feels like drinking fresh milk again right after you just drank some rotten stuff. it's just weird.) so yeah, here i sit, on my porch with my good 'ol, watch dog, within the midst of a darkening evening, being serenaded by june bugs and the cheers from the baseball field down the road...gettin' ready to write something...anything, in hopes of finding out, well, something, anything...

as alluded to, in an earlier post, i've went internal. and when my mood shifts, i question it, deeply. typically, i'm one mood...content. i like most everything, i get annoyed with the same things, i laugh at the same things, i like the same people and ya pretty much know what to expect out of me. lately though...i'm all of the above, just inside my own head. somehow, putting the emotions out there seems like a waste of energy. the energy seems more useful in my head. i also am feeling quite lost lately. and yeah...i have an old friend who loves to laugh at me whenever i say that, due to, well...feeling/being lost most of my life...so this time, i thought i'd really think on that word--that word and feeling of being lost.

being lost can mean not knowing where to go. and i know where to go. i know what i'm doing, i know what i do everyday and how to do it. i do the same stuff, in the same way. i am full of direction in that regard. so, maybe in this case, being lost could mean, knowing where i need to go, but not being sure how to get there? i feel like that may be more of the case? but then i think...where the hell do i need to get back to, in order not to feel lost? and all i can think, is it's my creativity...it's got to have something to do with that. it's been so far removed from me. is that this vital of a chunk of me? when i'm working 40hrs and doing all the other stuff i do, will this happen every time? i'm not in a cube anymore, so that's much healthier, but where am i then? i can't be this dependent on that side of me, can i?

if i am, i just keep thinking, i need to kick it. break the habit. find an alternative to that side...because i need to work and i need to be 'normal'. i need to live in the burbs and have normal friends and work normal hours at a normal job because if i don't, i'm gonna lose everything...and that would kill me. so, yeah...lately, that's all i can focus on, i guess. my mind is set on fitting in without standing out anymore. it's time to do normal stuff, because if i could just fit my square peg of a self, into that round hole of life, i'd be in with everyone else and could be complete? i could work that job and do all that other stuff and be fine...it's the creative side of me holding me up and making things difficult--if i could kick that, i'd be fine and not so lost anymore and that seems to be the only option i have left.

and, don't get me wrong, my creative side doesn't send me on total benders and sexual exploitations. it doesn't make me pull all nighters and not show up to the normal job. it doesn't make me slice up my arms or throw things or do anything that crazy. but it does make me difficult to deal with and my sense of priorities shift slightly, my inability to focus becomes an increasingly large issue as well as the need to evoke some sort of emotion to get my juices going...and keep 'em flowing. (i seriously hate that term...it's so gross sounding...but it's so fitting.) ((and priorities shift in the sense that the kid and her stuff is, as ALWAYS, number one...i'm just number two...above normal sleep, normal working hours, normal clothing and hair, etc...)) so, i feel like drama tends to happen then and i'm usually tired and relying on coffee keeps me more unstable but keeps me going and feeling very much like myself...and i'm very comfortable that way.

when you're trying to fit into the burbs and 40 hours a week and stuff...all of the above doesn't work so well...it assures you'll remain the square peg and not fit in, ever. it also assures that your significant other, who is very much unlike you, is going to be annoyed, like, well, all the time (and you can't blame him). people like me don't really live where i do, and work how i do, for these reasons, i imagine. (after an evening at the local church, i did discover that me, being removed from the hairstyles and clothing of 1994 also keeps me from ever, truly fitting in...i think i'm okay with that one though.) and after i come out of one of those odd creative phases, then i clean it all up. i edit, i frame, i get crafty, i reorganize, i post, i get excited to pursue the next venture and so, essentially, it sustains itself. in a sense, i rely on my creativity to keep me going.

i'm whining. i mean, oh no...i live in a wonderful house, in a wonderful area, with a dog that i just learned, enjoys eating june bugs, an amazing child, food, clothing, heat, love, friends, etc...and i'm complaining that going deep into weird creative spirals doesn't fit in!? this all weighs on me too in this actually. i mean, really...how the hell can i even attempt to sounds so selfish? darn. i can't be 100% me...but i have all of this other stuff that so many people could only dream of having? there's no reason why i can't shift who i am to find complete happiness in where i am, right?

ugh. so, yeah...in a long nutshell, this is where my mind is lately. i'm consciously attempting to switch who i am and i am seriously struggling internally with it. i talk kid and job lately...that's about it. i don't really know what else to talk about. (maybe i complain about stupid people too.) i have to find a way to sell myself on this change and find new passions that do fit into my lifestyle though. it's difficult but i think everyone around me will be, and stay, happier?

i think this is how wedding photographers are born. yeah. that makes sense to me. a little. but, at this point, i'm way to tired to try to explain. and my dog's full and would like to go in now.

a short, semi-stinky, story

ah. yes. a collection of photos from the bff weekend.

the night started out at a hipster party. a freakin' hipster party! i had to be in the same area with them folks, and it was weird, and i had never been more thankful to receive a call from my dad...who needed help due to accidentally super gluing his lips and fingers together. i didn't really know what to do, or how to help, so i mostly laughed...he had pried them apart at this point but was now dealing with general loss of feeling in the glued areas as well as paper towels stuck to him. i should call him tonight to see what ended up happening...

after stinky hipster party, we went back to her house, opened wine, baked onion rings, jalapeno poppers, potato skins and mini tacos and watched extreme couponing, we played board games and watched napoleon dynamite, again. her kid got sick and puked all over, but it didn't really stink so it wasn't that bad.

the end.

i think tonight i'm writing just to hear myself type...

(track and field day, combined with parachute games...a kid's dream :) )

ya know, if i didn't have a kid and a job, i wouldn't be leaving my room anymore. i'm in this completely hermatic mood (hermatic. yes. just made that up. it's like being a nomadic hermit or something...which makes sense but is actually a totally impossible thing to be unless you're living in your head only. which is where i am. so see, that's how it makes sense...)

anyway, all i want is coffee, my typewriter, my camera's and computer. at night, i'd come out for some wine, maybe. or whiskey, maybe. (i am in the process of looking for a couch for my office so i can make this a reality, btw. though when i say it out loud, it doesn't sound all that healthy, does it?) i've been crabby with myself because i do get this incurable urge to write something, anything, and it's all i can dwell on, even feeling jealous of those who do write. writing has always been my quiet spot in my head, or something. i think i'm just missing quiet in my head more than anything.

amazing. i think i just solved my latest hangup. incredible what writing nonsensical sentences and made-up words can do for a person. sigh. i'm cured! or somethin...

so, on a totally unrelated note, this weekend is bff weekend. i am so excited i could squeak. cuddle time in bed, junk food, terribly stupid television, wine, board games, conversation, laughing till tears come out...it'll be awesome.

this time though, there will be NO videos of me leaked on the web. last time, things got a little out of control when i stole my bff's crutches, laughed at her for not being able to get me, did a dance i called, 'twinkle toes', nearly lost my pants and then fell over into what i thought was my bff's chair...but what turned out to be her recording it all. it wasn't my most shiningest moment in life...but it was a funny one--in a drunken, retarded sort of way. (and i believe that if i got drunk more often, i wouldn't be so stupid when i DO drink too much but yeah...that theory might be as stupid as the video itself...)

maybe i need a career adjustment...

(had another photo shoot with kids and are this weekend! so cute :) )

what did i do this weekend, you ask? (well, no you didn't...but, let's pretend you did.) i worked. and i'm still working. and now, in less than twelve hours, i will be back at a job that i'm growing to loathe more and more each day. it's not the kids or my room...i love all that. it's incompetent management who lack the ability to communicate and make decisions that benefit anyone outside of themselves (though on a personal level, are very nice people) and the fact that i really have a problem raising other people's kids for 40-60 hours a week. it goes against everything, as a parent, i stand for...and i'm supporting it. everyday i get told by someone how they want their child raised, potty trained, fed, clothed, etc...and everyday i get told when i'm not raising their child correctly. it's frustrating to me and seems really wrong and i still basically work in a customer service field so i still have to be nice about it all. i love having my own room and the freedom to do what i want, but the overall setting leaves much to be desired.

ugh. anyway. here's another pic. i got up at seven this morning, to gain a couple hours in the day, due to anxiety about not being able to get everything done...and i rode the bike to caribou to eat some oatmeal, read the paper and have someone else make me coffee. it was during about mile two of the ride home though that i looked down and thought...'oh. do normal people ride their bikes with coffee in the water holder place?' i still don't know that answer that...

happy mothers day

it's that day again. the day all moms are queens and can, without guilt, put off chores and not shower. (okay...well, i maybe threw the shower thing in because any day i have an excuse not to shower is a good day.) ((and also...sure, i put off chores, but it just means i get double tomorrow and get to be behind the rest of the week and feel stressy.)) (((and yes. i love mothers day. i really do. kinda.)))

anyway. i don't know how to call you because i don't know how to make my voice work sometimes...i can write though. everyday, you're in my thoughts in some way...whether i'm finding a mixing bowl at a thrift store, buckling a milk can into my passenger seat or well, doing anything with my own daughter. i'm not sure how relationships work or get messed up or come back together or anything like that...and i don't get how some of the easiest seeming relationships can sometimes be the hardest, but i don't really care either, because honestly, it is what it is.

my kid wiped out and skun up her knee pretty bad the other day and when she stared at it, and touched it, and bent it, and rubbed the rocks out, it hurt. and the more it all hurt, the worse it all felt and the more upset she got. and then, she went to bed and forgot about it...when she got up the next morning, the bleeding was done, a scab was forming and yeah...the injury was there but, being left alone, and having life, and bike rides, happen all over again made that injury fix itself, entirely on its own.

and i'm not saying anything but i am just saying...i miss you in my life.

i love you.

yep. i'm lazy. deal.

yep. it was everything i'd hoped it would be. the wedding was perfect. (AND! it started with the people ahead of me in the line at caribou buying mine and my daughter's drinks :) )

there's more about it: HERE! (the wedding, that is. drink buying is pretty self-explanatory.)

and no. i'm not trying to be a douche and make you look at my other blog because that IS what people do these days. i just don't want to write it all out again. and copying and pasting just occurred to me...but, at this point, that's too much work. it's been a long day.

yep. my job is pretty okay.

tonight, senior portraits. tomorrow, a wedding.

the wedding i'm shooting, i'm doing as a volunteer. my dad's best friend is getting remarried. they went through high school, through vietnam, through adulthood, through parent hood, through life...together. the groom's first wife, died suddenly and unexpectedly, about a decade ago and i remember it really sucking. i remember being at the funeral and i remember seeing the pain in the eyes of the kids who were my age, who i had grown up with, side-by-side. i remember seeing a tall, strong, gruff, motorcycle riding man, so low in life that he wasn't sure how to raise his head up high and i remember crying not for myself, but for them. they're a large, close, family who walks slightly off the beaten path and seems a generation behind their time, but is always together in this life...and a part of me had always wanted to just be a part of them.

tomorrow, the husband is remarrying. he's remarrying a woman that his first wife would have had as a friend. she fits in so perfectly with all the quirks and rolls with it all effortlessly. she loves him and he loves her and i love it all. i hope i make it, as the photographer, without crying too much...though as i write this, i can feel the tears well. getting to be a part of tomorrow feels like an honor to me.

ya know...looking at my photo blog tonight, it's kinda funny how i feel through my lens. i'm a sensitive person as is...but through my lens, i feel it long before i see it. i feel paper thin when looking at my images. i see life moments, captured forever, and i feel so insignificant in front of them. i genuinely feel honored, and i deeply respect, being invited into major intersections within people's lives.

i couldn't ask for a cooler, more real, job :)

baby, it's not you...it's me...

(uhm...kolace's didn't really work well enough to actually give away. those things are really difficult! i'm gonna talk to my grandma again and try it again another day. i think i'll stick to my cookies, breads and cakes for the time being... oh! i'm gonna go to kolace days this summer and talk to them people too...)

well. my roomie came to me and said, 'i got a part-time serving job and i can transfer wendy's and i can go back to the sober house where i used to live!' and i stared blankly and i thought for a minute and all i could say was, 'so, you're lying to a sober house and backtracking in life? that's awesome. you went as high as you could, in life, apparently.' and i didn't say it nicely. i said it bitchily. (and holy hell, bitchily is a word. i know that because there are no red, squiggly lines under it.)

and then i went into my room and i sat there and i realized, it's me. it's all me.

i absolutely need to get over the idea that people are going to only do things that please me. and i don't mean like buy me awesome lenses and shoes and candy...i mean like not live up to the expectations i've placed on them. with my friend, the nasty boyfriend thing is a shock to me...but to her, she's happy. i fear for the psychological effect on her son and whether or not he's a good role model, and i know she deserves so much better, but she doesn't care so, so be it. she's looking at his boat and his big truck and forgetting that she has a son that needs to be picked up some days, and be trusted alone with him, and that she works in a corporate atmosphere that a rednecky, pot head won't fit in with, nor understand. she's okay separating herself from family, friends and her career, fine. it's my expectations that lead to my disappointments. she is lonely and looking for someone to share time and interests with. she's always been one to date questionable people...the good ones are always too boring. that's who she is. (i'm really tryin' on this one, but all i just said, up there ^^^ makes me sound not quite over it, huh?)

and my roomie, he's more comfortable at a sober house (despite being a social drinker, at most) and working at a fast food drive through. yes, he's 35 with no high school diploma but he's okay with that. (he came to live with us because he wanted to get back to school, get a car, enroll in some college courses and leave the service industry. out of all of that, he got a car. it's currently broke down in my driveway.) he's fine living off the system, never paying taxes, not showering for days, smoking cigarette butts from the ground and eating junk/fast food all the time. these things are who he is...i want him to be more. i want her to be more. but they are who they are.

i have an remarkably stupid way of only looking at the good and being completely blind to the bad. i get my hopes up and i get disappointed. and this isn't anything new...and it's not necessarily a bad thing. i just do NOT have the right to get angry at people, for being exactly who they are. (heh. this coming from an artist that expects a certain amount of slack when i randomly go crazy. after all, it's just who i am :) )

not sure how to smile and nod here...

(i brought my guy home a gift of chocolate covered potato chips this weekend...my guy, being his typical OCD self, then went out and decided to chocolate cover all KINDS of other thing...)

so, uhm, a while back, i wrote about a friend putting me in a bad position with her kid and boyfriend, etc...things got better. and now, it's back worse than ever.

i have to get this out because i swear, i feel crazy, like i'm missing something.

so for a couple weeks she's been glowing about a new guy. i have been so happy for her. she's taking it slowly, he hasn't met her kid yet, it sounded just like what she needed. i told her how excited i was to meet him and am watching her kid this friday so they can go out.

last night, she made the relationship official via facebook (so, of course, me, and everyone else, started fb stalking) and wow. i mean, outside of the pot smoking comments, rap videos, scuzzy, redneck friends, i found this gem of a photo:

cool. the dude dropped two grand on a gun from a video game. however, the comments below the gun are what totallly alarmed me:

friend: 'dead n%#$er walkin'
boyfriend: 'i hope you're not talking about me. lol'
friend: 'naw, the koon lol'
boyfriend: 'good call!!'

really!? professional, suburban, near 30 yr old, moms are into that??

so, i scrolled down a bit on his page and then saw that he had posted about what a great weekend he had had (my friend posted the same thing), HIS friend responded to that post by saying,

'hahahaha about time u got a piece drunk an sloppy or sober lmao'

that comment is in reference to someone i care about--he responded by asking his friend if he'd been hittin the pipe and his friend said 'not yet,' called him a cracker and let it go.

wow.

so...now, i'm stuck. and i'm feeling like a total jerk but no. i can't do this. i have red flags up all over and i'm not an idiot. she's begged me not to let this first impression ruin it all but knowing that he has a big truck and a fishing boat isn't enough for me to give ANY sort of approval. and having her assurance that her friend wouldn't have hooked them up if she thought he was bad isn't enough either. i just had to back out of babysitting this weekend and i know she's gonna hate me. (also, i won't be here and my guy has said this dude isn't allowed around our daughter and in our home so i'd have to be asking him to babysit so they could go out. that would cause a fight and i'm not willing to risk it...) i reminded her that her family, coworkers, etc...can see his profile and she just responded with, 'oh crap. do you think anyone has seen it?' really!? she knows it's bad but is still trying to convince me he's good?

ugh. i had to write because it's all i can think about lately. i'm being consumed by knowing this is gonna get worse between us before it gets better. we have a wedding to be at this next saturday and it's gonna be weird and i hate weird and i hate conflict and i'm sick about all of it already. ugh. maybe she'll just be like, 'wow! you're right! it's done.' but yeah...something tells me this isn't gonna work that way.

and maybe i'm being a jerk. i mean, maybe his fb is all wrong, but out of the 227 friends i have plus all of her friends...combined, NO ONE would ever say those things...trashy, rascist, ignorant, redneck, people talk like that. i'm completely confused by this...i know my gut but i love her and and trying to be happy she's happy.

sigh.

i'm gonna post some chocolate fruit pics now and go walk my dogs and then ride my bike. i need to clear my head...