(a chunk of what my office looked like today. a mess. paint. frames. photos. mess...)sigh.
i hate my ex.
i mean, i saw scott pilgrim (awesome flick, btw), and all those stupid exes are like my one, rolled into one. (one of my favorite flicks in forever, now that i think of it.) he's such a douche. (my ex. not scott pilgrim.) the opening of this blog were my favorite lines from our last set of communications. i mean, yes. i won't lie. there was some vulgarity and major bitchiness on my part that lead up to that threat from him, but within two paragraphs, i can make him that mad and he can make me equally as angry...and this is a guy that i haven't seen in well over a year or communicated with since the previous, generic 'merry christmas' text of 2010. i really don't know how that's even possible but, whatever...obviously, it is.
ugh.
it's a good thing there's many miles between us. between pms, a headache and my general crabbiness today, i think i would have attacked him. and, apparently, it would have been likewise.
on the flip side of this, i can't believe i gave into this. sunk to his stupid level. i responded. he knows what to say to invoke the most rage...and he said it all and i totally caved. i suck :( i've ran this scenario in my head, to the best of my ability, at least a hundred times and i've passed it all...but reality happened, and i totally failed. i mean, i didn't factor in pms, or record setting heat that has me climbing the walls since i haven't been out in four days, but still. i shouldn't have responded.
this whole thing has put me in the most cranky mood. my head is all over the place...one part of me is incredibly creatively alive with it all, like i just want to call him and be like...'hey. ignore all that shit for the moment. let's just meet up with our camera's and do something with all this pissed off rage stuff. you film. i'll shoot. it'll be dark and grainy, but that's cool. it'll be real.' then reality becomes, well, reality and i honestly can't do anything other than dwell and be here and use my camera here, for something, though i don't know what, because nothing i see anywhere through my lens even remotely reflects how i feel. this is why i wish i were a painter. i could just do it. just get the emotion on canvas without having to match it with reality. currently, i'm just trying to get drunk and make all this angsty crap go away...the creative surge will die if i make it. eventually. shit. being me so doesn't fit into my life. maybe that's for the better?
i can't tell you what it's like to be in my head. i'm a complete loner in there, taking in friends and making conversation because that's what people do. and i love life and i wholeheartedly enjoy and adore all that's involved with it, but when i swirl into these spirals i spin everywhere and i've never tried to stop. i've only ever tried to squeeze it into my real life, without messing everything up too much--because i fully realize that who i am is messy and i fully realize that i don't want my real life to be messy. squares in circles or something. and yes. i'll get over this so soon, completely, and move on and be normal again. the quicker i train myself to get back to non-spinny, the better. i guess maybe this is the real test... i don't know. i do know you just got a total and complete soundtrack of everything that's been playing itself out in my head with no commercial interruptions. (lucky you!)
i think i need ibuprofin for this headache though.
and maybe to watch scott pilgrim again...
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