white flag up...

my life has been filled with people. like, really, pretty much, all-around, awesome people. i have always had great friends. yep. there's some who have went due to reasons that were for the better but they have all brought something to my life regardless. enriched it. enhanced it. taught me. whatever. and when i look back too, i have a lot of relationships are good, lasting relationships.

in all that time though i can count on three fingers the number of relationships that have been strong with females. but when i think of the male friendships i've had...i don't know how to count them. i simply get along better with guys. i always have. i think more like them maybe. maybe i like them because it's way easier to be me with guys. (i'm terrible at keeping plans, making plans, calling back etc... i'm awesome at random, 'hey...wanna catch a flick/get coffee/grab a beer/double date/hit the rink/go for a hike/pack up the camera gear etc... i don't get offended when it's a no. i don't think it's something else. they don't get offended when i can't or when i don't feel like it, etc... girls have a tendency to need a much deeper connection when it comes to friendship and that's so NOT me.) my best girl friends are much more like dudes than anything else too. they burp, fart, swear, drink beer, yell at sports, etc...

so, i find another good friendship. in another guy...pretty typical for me. actually though, he's the most like me of anyone i've ever met in my whole entire life, girl or guy. it's awesome. seriously very cool. no pressure. don't have to say a lot, don't have to do a lot. we'll discuss a book, or the game, or girlfriends and boyfriends, or kids...either way, there's plenty of good conversation over coffee, or facebook chat, to go around. we're both a bit odd. we get each other and we end up in weird head places together that seem normal to us and it feels pretty easy. i can hang out with him while wearing pajamas, no makeup, and messed up hair, and not think twice. no need to impress him.

yet, for the first time ever, in my life, i'm walking away from a friendship because of everyone else. i'm done. i'm cutting the ties and i'm going back to where i was. everyone is so quick to want to point a finger because of what desperate housewives, or the OC, or any other soap opera/hollywood movie says should be going on by now. i have never been the normal one...why would this be any different? why would this be typical? when i struggle with something, it's because i'm genuinly lost...definitely not trying to hurt anyone--just trying to find my own way. i'm not lost here though. no lines have been crossed and nothing physical is going on, whatsoever. but i feel so terrible, like i'm having some torrid, steamy love affair and also, killing puppies in front of children. something that felt so innocent and something that i was so grateful for when i needed something so bad turned into something so ugly, so fast. everyone pointing fingers. some of my closest friends talking behind my back. ganging up on me. making me feel like i have done something so awful. all the assumptions without questions. just fuel for their fire.

i feel resentful, but they mean well, right? i was pretty solid there...that whole confidence thing coming back to me for the first time in awhile. the whole not being told to 'conform so we won't fight' thing was going away. that whole, hey! i remember me! feeling...that i was feeling so proud of...well, that must've been a bad thing too, because that's how it feels. i rocked the boat too much apparently.

i hate sounding resentful, and victim-ish, and poor me, and whiny. that's how i'm sounding isn't it? i understand that no one seems to know that for me, this all started on february 21st, 2009--the day i was called a 'stupid cunt', in front of my daughter, in the car, during the drive to her birthday party--the day i shut down. nope. this all started with a solid friendship...one that i needed. that's where the finger's been pointed so that's where the followers stare.

so yeah. the friendship has been halted. i'm done fighting this. i give up. done guys. ok. done. you all win. i am so content, knowing in my mind, that i'm still in there somewhere. and i find enough solace in the fact that no lines were ever crossed, or even talked about being crossed. to fight the urge to feel angry--but it's hard. i guess that this is life, huh?