here's another, folks

(a refurbished, oldie for a little thing called, CATURDAY...)

hmmm. okay. so, the general consensus seems to be, so far...that i need a new blog. or, that i need to start posting things like other people's crap on here. like a poem, or photo, or link, or just basically, something not 'me'...something more 'generic'.

yeah. that's not gonna happen because i spew stuff left and right...and when i shouldn't talk...i talk more than ever. and, well, not to sound like a total snob, but other people's stuff often bore's me. well...not if i know them personally, that is. but then, posting stuff, from people i know and admire, kinda defeats the purpose of being generic in the first place. ugh.

maybe i've just outgrown this shell. like a hermit crab or something... it happens in the blog world, right?? the only problem is, in my heart...the iris shell still fits perfectly. i don't want to switch homes, at all :'( maybe this is more like an eviction...and i need to look at it like that? like...my home was taken over by squatters and i have to leave. okay...that sounds negative still. ugh.

i guess there are other things i could do...i introduced boomy to the g+ world and had a great response. someone mentioned throwing him onto wordpress, someone else mentioned writing a series....those things could work. i'd also like to **attempt** to become more serious as a writer. i always love having writers in my life and there's a reason...our brains work well together. i mean i've already got an entire encyclopedia's worth of photos and i'm realizing that each one already has a story--it just needs the words to make it real. then again...maybe now wanting to write a book, or something, is a bit lofty of a goal. who knows. maybe i need to find a writer who works well with me and work on that. ugh.

i don't know.

i'll keep thinking on this...maybe someone else has a better answer? i have decided that this blog will stay open. i'm proud of all its ramblings and closing it feels sadder than leaving it. i just can't shake the one way mirror thing! and i'm not stoned or paranoid or crazy...i've been watching more carefully since mid june and i can see how many times people read this blog everyday and i can see 'where' the audience comes from--i can't see WHO my very regular people are...but i have some pretty educated guesses. i mean, yes, i have many people who read...but only a certain amount of frequent regulars. yet...despite the daily reads--how many of you comment? do you call me? do you follow up email me about anything? do you hold out a hand, or ask me for coffee when you can tell things are rough? do you congratulate me when things are good? do you post your own blog for me to read? do you actually 'follow' this blog? are you friends with me on any social networks? do you keep your social networking 'open' for me to see...or do you just read everything on mine and privatize everything on yours?

i don't know why this is buggin' me so much lately...but, i just can't shake it. and, like everything else, i'll get over it... **sigh**

i like that you're here. i swear. just please let me know you're here...

(a fun, fall, capture!)

oops. sorry about that slight interruption. in case you read me often (which, if you do, i apologize about), you noticed i privatized everything there for a bit. it wasn't the intention.

see, i do a lot online. i find so much inspiration from others and i deeply enjoy being a part of a larger, worldwide, community of photographers and writers. it's great to find conversation at all hours, to learn more, to want to do more, to be able to connect with like-minded individuals and to feel like i fit in somewhere.

but lately, i have this feeling of frustration stemming from the fact that i basically live my life on the 'other' side of a one-way mirror. people close to me, are actually further away from me, than people on the other side of the world that i've never, in-person, even met. they just watch me...never bothering to respond in person to me, reach out to me, or say hi. they just read and watch and because i'm a 'public' figure, in-a-sense, that's very easy for them to do. and that's fine. but, i very rarely get to see or read anything from these people...and when i do reach out and say hi, nothing is ever reciprocated. i'm just a 'bookmark' on a web browser to people to click on when they're bored or wanting to gawk, and/or, stalk. it's been like this for years now, in some cases, and it's just getting old.

and the other thing with the one-way-mirror thing...i feel like i'm constantly being judged and critiqued and talked about, yet no one even heard my voice say the things they're critiquing. there was no body language to correspond with my words, no vocal pitches, no eye contact...nothing. just silent snapshots that allow people to feel as if they 'know' me...and it's weird. it doesn't make sense to me. despite being of this internet generation and being 'open'...it's still odd to have people i haven't seen in so long, know so much...and then follow up all of their 'oh! i read that you did that...' statements with, 'and i just figured you...' yet, as they're saying that, i have zero clue what they've been up too...and it's not for lack of trying on my end. i follow blogs, comment on photos, email random (sometimes drunk) thoughts, text to say hi--hell, i even comment on celebrities blogs/statuses/photos, etc... they don't know who i am, and that's totally okay...if i enjoy reading their stuff, i tell them. (okay...uhm, yeah, i AM terrible with phone calls; i just never have the time...and if i do, i typically prefer the silence.) and it's especially weird when the people who know so much about me, aren't following this blog, following me on g+ or fb and they don't call me or email me.

maybe i'm just awful to talk to in person or something...who knows? anyway...i didn't realize i had completely locked down my blog until i tried to access it from another account. i had been playing with my security settings and seeing what they all did--in an attempt to curb this feeling a bit. i'm guessing i just saved the wrong setting or didn't unsave something i had been trying. i'm back to open again (yay!?)...though i may just lock it all down again, on purpose (muhahaha). i'm going to talk to a few people to see if this is just me, or a normal thing, or a weird thing...and see what they do/did about it and take it from there. for now though...i'm back. yay. really. i know you're excited.

happy to have purpose

i'm so happy. i will be taking part in a photo scavenger hunt, via g+. there's a couple hundred total participants so far. the girl putting it together wasn't expecting those kinda numbers so i volunteered to help moderate too. i'm just super excited to have a shooting purpose...i mean, who can resist shooting things like doughnuts, newspapers, moons, the letter z, etc...? not me! my kid wants to take part too, so now she has her own copy of the list. it'll be super fun to shoot with her and see what she comes up with :)

and other than that...i got nothin'. i don't even know why i felt the need to post tonight. i was just sitting here, wondering what to do next, and suddenly, the idea to blog popped into my head and well, here i am, filling the internet with more rubbish.

okay...i think i'm gonna go do something now. though i don't know what. just...somethin'...

snapping outta it...bitbybit

okay. well. tonight, i'm drinking tequila and eating jelly beans. the idea is to ditch the crabbiness and insane dreams, as well as allow myself a favorite treat--though i don't know which is what, exactly. (the dreams, as of late have been beyond intense...zombies, death, loneliness, love, vampires, aliens, hope, faith, memories--the list goes on and on...it's hard to get a good night of sleep when you're constantly stuck in adventure mode. you just feel insane. all the time.)

i'm over my last night's pity party--that's for sure (maya angelou had a hand in it :) ) and i'm incredibly content laying here, cuddling with my little dog, eating a veggie corn dog and watching star trek, tos. i think i'm gonna go have some convo on g+ and maybe catch up on craigslist. oh. and figure out what thursday will hold...i have the entire day off and am stuck somewhere in between wanting to lay around in pj's all day and watch crappy t.v. or get out and drive with my camera...

yeah.

i'm rambling.

i need to go see what happens to kirk...

i wish i didn't speak sometimes...

(a gift from an artist i met at the art crawl this weekend. i wish i woulda had a piece of my art to give him...)

tonight's nasty mood is being subdued with [very] dark chocolate, a glass on wine and cheers reruns.

on a brighter note, my work was featured here this week...

HERE!

i had wanted my work there since the publication was started, but never thought it was ever good enough. i do check the site out daily, regardless, because it is FULL of amazing work, by incredible artists; and, consequently, holds tons of inspiration for me.

on another note, completely, kind of, i wish i didn't care so much and wasn't so sensitive. ever since this g+ this got going i've been excited and proud feeling. but, the person i share my life with hasn't cared. in fact, he's cut me down, made me feel stupid and teased me for not being initially crazy about the idea of another social network. (no. still not crazy about another personal, social network...i like the more professional/art side of things on g+. fb is still fine for friends and family... my g+ will never be personal for me.) i try not to talk about anything regarding my photo life but, tonight, i shared my excitement about being a part of that publication and i got laughed at and made fun of. i've since been apologized to but it doesn't matter anymore. my initial excitement is gone...i shared it with someone who didn't care and my inability to separate myself from a loved one's reaction has made me really, well, sad. yeah. like i said...i wish i wasn't so sensitive. i blame me in this because if i wasn't this sensitive, i'd still be excited. now, yeah, i just don't care. i've since deleted my posts regarding it from facebook and have no intention of mentioning it again. i'm sure i'm totally being ridiculous but this is where i'm at tonight. a poor me, pity-party that i'm gonna guess no one cares about either. hell...i really don't even care. i'm sick of being me. i know i'm annoying. i'm trying to be less invasive in lives...i swear.

uhm.

yeah.

sorry about my whinyness. i think i need to sleep. sorry. i'm sorry i'm not perking back up quicker with this one too...i think that makes me less of a person or something, but whatever. i'll come back within my usual 48 hours, like nothing ever happened. cuz, that's what i am. a dumb puppy.

Hippie

i love protests. i really do. when the republican national convention was here, i discovered how much i love them. and ya know...i'm not a protester myself. i'm so wishy washy with everything, i rarely feel strong enough to brush my hair, so picking a side to scream about isn't really my thing...but i LOVE being with people who are passionate about what they believe. i love that they want me there, photographing them, promising to get them online. i love witnessing something first hand that the media is reporting and i love having my own take of things though my memory, and my stories; but, most of all, through my photos. i love making up my own mind...

so...here are a decent chunk of the photos i took. (i have more...but this was enough, for now.) i promised people i'd have these photos online and that's all they wanted.

for search purposes i feel the need to throw in these specific keywords...

Occupy
Occupy Wall Street
Occupy Minnesota
Occupy Minneapolis
99%

maybe i'll sleep tonight?

the insomnia. the sinuses. i'm not really that happy, or functional, these last few days.

tonight, i called into work for tomorrow.
i called my boss and attempted to leave my phone number in case she needed to call me back.

i rambled for almost 30 seconds about my number, but i had NO memory of what it was.
only the area code made sense in my head.
so i spewed random numbers into her voice mail, hoping to jog my memory and maybe redeem myself...but, it just kept getting worse and worse--and i never did remember it.
i finally said that i'm sure she has it on file and asked her to email me, if nothing else.

i then apologized for being so tired and hung up.

this insomnia thing is making my brain mush.

i'm gonna go back to watching star trek and reading craigslist now. because neither of those things take any brains at all...

why won't my brain just be quiet...for just a tiny bit...

insomnia.

sucks.

last night, i woke up at three. went back to sleep at 5:30. that's pretty typical. i'm so tired but i don't want to fall asleep until at least ten...or i'll never make it the whole night. my dreams have been ridiculous again too.

every night.

so real.

ugh.

so, in other news, the pic above is my dogs feet. she discovered that our backyard pond contains one, large, frog. she has spent hours, everyday, for weeks obsessing over him. she has tore apart the cattails to try to find his home...though all she really did was make him a bigger home (as well as herself a bridge). she falls in almost everyday, requiring a daily bath and every night, she's exhausted.

hmmm.

maybe i need to go look for frogs too...

fall is lovely

yup. got out and did some shooting on thursday. it was rainy and chilly and perfect. out of all the shots i took...i liked my usual two. (two seems to be my magical number with photo-approval.) i just love the moodiness of fall skies...

hmmm.

uhm. what else?

oh! i invited friends over last night and they came over for an impromptu get together. it was a pretty darn okay time. i never invite people over anymore. i'm so lame. it used to be like every weekend...and now, it's completely random. i'm trying to work on that...i know it's my fault. the night was fun until they left and i went on this over-the-top, emotion-stricken, rant about my hatred of conrad murray. i cried about michael, listened to my fav songs and admitted a buncha embarrassing things about my lifelong mj obsession ...it was slightly crazy. okay, really crazy. (in case you couldn't guess...there was alcohol involved. plus, i was way overtired. plus, i had forgot to eat anything since lunch.) i went straight to bed, after being cut off in the middle of another part of the rant, and i slept until almost noon today.

i was, surprisingly, productive once i finally crawled out of bed...i made a homemade apple/pear sauce (since we had this ridiculous amount of pears and apples), chicken salad for lunches this week with the rest of the crockpot chicken from the other day, and a fabulous pasta dinner--complete with eggplants from the farmers market sneaked in...topped off with a completely from-scratch, apple pie. i'm still finishing off my homemade cheese/potato/corn soup from the other day but as soon as that's gone i'm dying to try out the recipe for a black bean and corn soup that i have. fall and hearty, healthy meals go as perfectly together as grilling and summer.