(standing in the hail after the storm...the rainbow was beautiful :) )all right. back on the saddle. i blame my freak outs on pms and extreme lack of sleep. it was a perfect storm and if i had been on a boat, sailing the ocean, i prolly woulda died. like george clooney. or mark walhberg?? oh wait. that was U-571. and oh wait again, that was bon jovie, not mark walhberg anyway. whatever. this is why i don't quote movies. it's as bad as me telling jokes. it just doesn't work.
anyway. in case you care...what happens is that i do way too many things. i photo for money, i work full time, plus semi-part time (i teach elementary art and preschool, so add in tons of prep time on top of the actual, in-work hours too), i volunteer, i have a relationship and i have a house (yard work, laundry, etc...) and i try to squeeze all of that stuff in during non-mom hours (cuz i also have a kid), leaving me with very little sleep and/or always overwhelmed. i never feel like i can get things done. and then when i don't get everything done, i feel like a total failure and me, being me, takes that really hard. i think i'm trying to live the stay-at-home-mom/full-time employee/activist/artist life all at the same time and all those things don't always work flawlessly together. (i'm writing as i'm baking pumpkin bread, responding to an email, editing photos, listening to the dishwasher and getting ready to tuck in the kid. i saw i had a few minutes to spare...so, here i am. next up, shower, pack lunches and snacks, pick out mine and the kid's clothes, apply for a new job, eat dinner and hopefully sleep...then, back up at 5:30. and...this is all after an 8.5 hour day w/o a break, a 1.5 hour dog walk with the kid, webkinz time with the kid, her dinner, dogs dinner and rainbow watching.) and don't get me wrong, i am BEYOND thankful to be healthy enough to do all of this with only the occasional snap...but i'm not mentally capable of doing it all at the level of perfection that i, as me, requires. if one thing gets messed up i tear myself apart over it. i'm eroding my rock away with my own waves. it's not healthy at all.
but at the same time...i don't know how to stop. my mind naturally works like this. it's all over the place. it has always been into the same things, had the same passions, same tastes, same quirks, etc...but it's always scattered. i can't see one thing through, nor focus enough from start to finish to even care if it's only half done. i'll finish someday. but i'm onto the next thing. and the next. and the next. and now...i can't spend even an hour without being busy. a sunday afternoon nap is a huge waste of time, as well as playing cards, or wine, or rockband. all things i LOVE...but i can't enjoy anymore because i feel i should be doing something productive. this is crazy! seriously. last monday's thrift store extravaganza was incredible. it was the first time i felt my own quiet, slightly introverted (albeit semi-crazy), voice come back. i just simply tuned out all the voices telling me i was wasting my day and i treasure-hunted and i wandered and i felt great. (though some form of self-medication was involved...) then...come seven o'clock that night, i was freaking out, in my head, about all the time i wasted.
this is insane. it needs to end. i need to focus. i need to get some sort of control back before anxiety attacks become the norm again. maybe i'm avoiding something by intentionally keeping so busy. or, maybe i'm too much of a yes-man who can do anything for anybody because that's what i do, or maybe i need meds to focus, or who the hell knows...i don't. i just know i gotta make myself slow down...srsly, the only times i ever take a break are when i'm sick and forced to...(which has happened A LOT this past season...huh, wonder why... ;) )
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