and look for the stars as the sun goes down...*

(makin soap day...recipes are good. don't have one currently. nor do i a map. or a clue...)

well, i guess that's it.

i feel oddly calm and am just trying to focus on that calm as opposed to that scared. ya know the scared...the kind that creeps in when you're in a dark room or when your foot's hanging over the bed and all of a sudden it takes over and you freak and run away screaming? yeah, that's the scared i'm trying to avoid focusing on because if i do, i'll probably panic. i'm kinda in the water without knowing how to swim and i'm mildly ok with the whole having to figure it out before drowning to death kinda thing--but, only mildly.

i am curious about how two people can go from being so used to major arguments, fights and the wall denting kind of anger--to, with a few painful, yet simple, words, being absolutely cool with each other--and, in fact, actually kinda liking each other. i mean...the realities of the situation have yet to reach the surface and all but, for right now...this whole treading water thing is MUCH needed for sanity--and i'll take it. it's like a vacation and, so far, it's the BEST vacation i've been on in awhile...also, the only.

yeah. no. i don't have the answers--hell, i don't even pretend to have any. all the 'what to do next's' and stuff but, for right now...it's really nice take a breath. let the air clear. see what settles. and figure out what to do then.

for now...just tryin to remember to eat. and breath. and sleep. and talk to other people instead of just myself. and to not randomly break down because i'm not doing any of the above mentioned things and i can't function anymore--which seems to be the hardest part. and yeah. it hurts really bad...but, compared to the alternative--what we've been living--this is pretty ok.

(* angels and airwaves, everything's magic)

like beating a dead horse to death *

(just...home...)

you are right. (you. not you...) after re-reading, i'm realizing that yes. i am being well, me. and i don't mean to, but but, i don't feel like you listen any other time. i've said it all before, so many times, and you still don't know, you still blame everything else. when i feel constantly blamed, it makes me constantly feel backed into a corner. when anyone, or anything, is backed into a corner, lashing out happens. like we both said, we've never been here before. we have no idea what to do next or where to go next. we just keep throwing stuff at each other and neither of us are working together and neither of us have enough hands to catch everything coming our way. so yeah. i don't know. but, i felt the need to say something. just know that this is the one of the awfullest feelings i have ever known. everyday i'm stressed. everyday my stomach hurts. i don't eat. i don't sleep. the dreams are insane again. i wake up every hour or so and my body is all cramped up...i would imagine from the dream stress and tightening my muscles. i want it to all get better and i want it to all just be done. i want to feel better and i know you do too. problem is...how the hell do we get there? close our eyes and take a big frickin jump--see where we land and hope it's all amicable? shut our eyes and stay right where we are--know where we're gonna land, but hope it all stays peaceful? next week. i'll find a spot--someplace with a feel. we'll sit down. we'll listen. we'll figure it out. we'll make it work but for now...truce? physically, mentally, i am breaking down. i've conquered two more panic attacks but not by much. i'm internalizing so much. taking it out on me. knowing i'm so good at messing everything up. blaming me. not talking. just staying quiet and it's not helping but i can't talk anymore. this is the point where the unhealthy takes over for me and then, i'm no good to anyone.

i'm off to read tonight. tomorrow, soap making for the day. the next day work. the next day work. the next day off--but talks. then, the next six days in a row, more work. i'm a tad stressed about all the other stuff in the background...oh, ya know, laundry and holidays and a clean home in the meantime, but, i'll figure it out. keeps me busy i suppose and i've done it before. keeps my mind from wandering too, i guess...

*sigh*

(* so...get this...that's my own title. it's a miracle. i know. those are also my very own genius words up there in that title...)

i wanna have the same last dream again, the one where i wake up and i'm alive...*

(just dangling...)

i know i should sleep but i can't.
again...it's like one o'clock--just a.m. this time.

there's so little i actually know lately though...
i know i should have ate something more nutritious than tots and cookies at lunch today.
i know i shouldn't have drank so much wine on a completely empty stomach last night.
i know i shouldn't be so terribly triggered by a few words that were said, over the above mentioned wine.
i know that i'm feeling oddly, semi-ok, about things. (though that could be sleep deprivation mixed with hunger pains talking...coma setting in...)
mostly though, i know that i have faith--and faith is enough to settle any uneasy mind.

but that's about it...everything else in my life, yeah...i don't really know...which i'm totally cool with. i mean, i never really have it all figured out so this pretty much feels normal. and i don't mind going with the flow--i don't need a plan.

i just wish i had some sort of idea as to how to act and what to do in the mean time...



(* angels and airwaves, the adventure.)

(and also...thank you, my friend, for unconfusing me regarding the p.s./p.p.s/etc... nonsense of yesterblog...my head was all fuzzy about that and ya fixed it. your research paid off.)

just sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again*

one o'clock. or a little after.
sitting down to my first bit of food since breakfast yesterday.
refried black beans and corn. some sour cream mixed in for the dairy and fatty side of it all.
a cup of strong black coffee and a diet mtn dew.
i plan to eat again tomorrow at some point.
i think i need to start taking my vitamins again.

i've contemplated a hunger strike.
somehow that seemed slightly dramatic.
on that same line, i thought of a temper tantrum. that too, seemed dramatic oh, and also, a bit childish.
i considered shopping.
then i remembered i'm broke.

so here i sit.
for a brief bite of food.

i've cleaned mostly today.
gutted the kids room even.
four loads of laundry, mostly blankets, came out of that room alone.
lost and found and crusty dishes too. lots of those.
and it's only one o'clock.

idle minds, or idle hands, or something and something about the devil too.
so, up goes the music.
so loud the dog can't seem to find a peaceful slumber.
michael, veronica's, blink, gaga...it all sounds like gold and keeps my mind at bay.
i don't want anger to get in; i can feel it's trying.
i'd rather shut myself down for the time being.
stay focused on my main job.
because she's incredible.

i don't want the sad to get in, it's trying too.
along with the blame.
and the hurt.
and the tears want to come out but sometimes, they're only so i can feel sorry for myself.
like this time i think.
this is completely one of those just keep swimming times.

just all over though, i can't shake the feeling of simply mad.
like, above everything, i just feel mad.

next up, metallica.
loud.


(* disclaimer: ok...so, i can not think of ANY titles for anything i do lately. all i hear are song lyrics. so, until further notice, and from here on out, all titles will be completely and 100% unoriginal.)

(p.s. so, should i also put down the song? does it matter? like plagarism? but not really? out of reader curiosity?)

(p.s.s. camisado. panic at the disco)

(p.s.s.s. i still don't know whether it should be p.p.s.s. or, p.s.s. ((which looks like piss, yes)) or what. i have put thought into it. still don't know though. maybe, for future purposes, i should condense thoughts into a single p.s. then i won't have to wonder ever again.)

white flag up...

my life has been filled with people. like, really, pretty much, all-around, awesome people. i have always had great friends. yep. there's some who have went due to reasons that were for the better but they have all brought something to my life regardless. enriched it. enhanced it. taught me. whatever. and when i look back too, i have a lot of relationships are good, lasting relationships.

in all that time though i can count on three fingers the number of relationships that have been strong with females. but when i think of the male friendships i've had...i don't know how to count them. i simply get along better with guys. i always have. i think more like them maybe. maybe i like them because it's way easier to be me with guys. (i'm terrible at keeping plans, making plans, calling back etc... i'm awesome at random, 'hey...wanna catch a flick/get coffee/grab a beer/double date/hit the rink/go for a hike/pack up the camera gear etc... i don't get offended when it's a no. i don't think it's something else. they don't get offended when i can't or when i don't feel like it, etc... girls have a tendency to need a much deeper connection when it comes to friendship and that's so NOT me.) my best girl friends are much more like dudes than anything else too. they burp, fart, swear, drink beer, yell at sports, etc...

so, i find another good friendship. in another guy...pretty typical for me. actually though, he's the most like me of anyone i've ever met in my whole entire life, girl or guy. it's awesome. seriously very cool. no pressure. don't have to say a lot, don't have to do a lot. we'll discuss a book, or the game, or girlfriends and boyfriends, or kids...either way, there's plenty of good conversation over coffee, or facebook chat, to go around. we're both a bit odd. we get each other and we end up in weird head places together that seem normal to us and it feels pretty easy. i can hang out with him while wearing pajamas, no makeup, and messed up hair, and not think twice. no need to impress him.

yet, for the first time ever, in my life, i'm walking away from a friendship because of everyone else. i'm done. i'm cutting the ties and i'm going back to where i was. everyone is so quick to want to point a finger because of what desperate housewives, or the OC, or any other soap opera/hollywood movie says should be going on by now. i have never been the normal one...why would this be any different? why would this be typical? when i struggle with something, it's because i'm genuinly lost...definitely not trying to hurt anyone--just trying to find my own way. i'm not lost here though. no lines have been crossed and nothing physical is going on, whatsoever. but i feel so terrible, like i'm having some torrid, steamy love affair and also, killing puppies in front of children. something that felt so innocent and something that i was so grateful for when i needed something so bad turned into something so ugly, so fast. everyone pointing fingers. some of my closest friends talking behind my back. ganging up on me. making me feel like i have done something so awful. all the assumptions without questions. just fuel for their fire.

i feel resentful, but they mean well, right? i was pretty solid there...that whole confidence thing coming back to me for the first time in awhile. the whole not being told to 'conform so we won't fight' thing was going away. that whole, hey! i remember me! feeling...that i was feeling so proud of...well, that must've been a bad thing too, because that's how it feels. i rocked the boat too much apparently.

i hate sounding resentful, and victim-ish, and poor me, and whiny. that's how i'm sounding isn't it? i understand that no one seems to know that for me, this all started on february 21st, 2009--the day i was called a 'stupid cunt', in front of my daughter, in the car, during the drive to her birthday party--the day i shut down. nope. this all started with a solid friendship...one that i needed. that's where the finger's been pointed so that's where the followers stare.

so yeah. the friendship has been halted. i'm done fighting this. i give up. done guys. ok. done. you all win. i am so content, knowing in my mind, that i'm still in there somewhere. and i find enough solace in the fact that no lines were ever crossed, or even talked about being crossed. to fight the urge to feel angry--but it's hard. i guess that this is life, huh?

i had to write...i know you'll be mad

i had a panic attack to the likes of which i haven't had in years last night. it came on quick and took me away quicker. i should have felt it coming enough to recognize it but i didn't and this morning, my chest still feels as if i were kicked by the steel-toed, size 12 boot of a construction worker. every breath i take reminds me of all the breaths i couldn't take last night. the tears are still fluid even after a night of drying up and my body feels like the flu is trying to move in. my mind is trying to remember what it looks like to be normal so i took care of my hair and put on a gray sweatshirt and blue jeans but that's the best i can do right now. i'm making some strong coffee as i type to hopefully attack the fuzz in my brain but i'm not sure anything is strong enough for that this morning. i'm hoping for the drop of soap in greasy water effect but i'd settle for light breeze on a leaf covered ground...it'll get there eventually.

i have music on that reminds me of everything and nothing all at once and i'm stuck somewhere in between where i am and who i am, and i don't know how to move, and i don't know how to stay and i don't know anything these days--all of the energy i have left is focused on my little one; she's the only thing i seem to be wanting to focus on and the only thing i seem to be any good at, at all.

i'm trying to swim but i'm pretty sure i've already drowned but me, being me, won't admit that, i'll just keep swinging until i get knocked out--probably by something i've knocked off a shelf all on my own. and when it's all about you, how could you even imagine it might be about me? how can you see me when all you see is you? i keep changing and morphing and becomming to keep things and look at me...i'm a mess, but it's still all about you and all i'm not. i still keep hiding behind masks and changing my colors and i'm so far gone, and so deep down, that i don't know where to even start to get back out. like clawing my way through mud, slipping more than progressing, and it's my fault, and i know, but i hoped you'd do the same for me, the little things...not the big. i don't need the big. like way back then, when you were like that and when we met; but now, even deep in your eyes, you're not there and you fault me for still being there--i'm not still that person, i have become so much more, but it's not what you want me to be, so, it's not enough. but i can't change in this one way...especially after all of the little things i've asked for, for years, that you won't even sway gently my direction on--yet, you'll yell at me about my simplicity and complexity, all at once, and blame me for being difficult.
.
.
.
.
.
i have nothing else to say. i'm just staring, listening to box car racer (will i shake this off, pretend it's all ok that there's someone out there who feels just like me, there is...), thinking that i've been online an hour when i only should have been here for 30, but i can't find the road...

if i could, i'd only want to make you smile...

( my awesome new coffee mug...SO me. SO cool...makes coffee taste EVEN better... oh. and frames and computer are back in business. yay :) )

"i've been drunk for about a week now, and i thought it might sober me up to sit in a library."
-f. scott fitgerald

and, on the flip side: i've been a fool now for most of my life, and i thought it might wisen me up to do some reading.

i'm gonna hit up f. scott fitgerald. i like his stuff. from what i've read so far. starting the great gatsby tonight as well as a book with a bunch of his short stories/essays. i love that new book excitement i get.

so...

(delete)

(delete)

((major delete))

ah yes...the insight you just gained from reading this. i know. it's incredible. sorry...

someday i'll post it all. maybe...

nothin man...just nothin...

he says solemnly, "i've been reading over the last year and some months of your blog and it's become quite apparently i don't inspire you. i don't think i make you much more than content...mildly happy at most."

i think quietly, "you haven't read or seen a think i've done in over a year...? how can you expect to inspire someone..."

*sigh*

can't return me cause once you bought it...

yeah. so, there's some days that, believe it or not, i even look down and wonder what the hell it is that i'm wearing. this morning...while dropping my kid off at school i wore something that would have caused me, at my kids age, to possible never want to be seen with me again. i have a friends sweatshirt on. it's a black guiness beer sweatshirt that's only a little too big...it's warm though. that's what i was going for. then, then there's the bright red, two sizes too big, sweatpants that i also, maybe slept in. my not showing yesterday left my hair, well...let's just say, a tad bit messed up--so, i threw on a brown fedora. oh! then, there's the boots. near knee high brown, fur boots that pushed the red sweat pants up to my knees, causing them to bunch up quite nicely. and, to top it all off, my favorite navy blue poofy vest that i broke the zipper off last week...it's ok though...the pin on it has two cats on it and says, 'keep smiling.'

i'm gonna go shower now. and drink some coffee. i have this delicious coffee from a friend that i'm so excited to sip away on. also, i have to get to the dmv...the whole new license thing. i'm not gonna wear clothes that make it look like i escaped from a mental hospital this time. for the last four years my license has made me look like i should be hospitalized. (one drunk night, a friend looked at it, laughed till he cried, showed everyone else, got them laughing too, and then told me why. now...i just point it out to people to save myself the embarrassment. i have yet to have someone even slightly disagree.) so, what's the appropriate level of fixing you should do to yourself when getting a new license picture taken. i mean, i don't want to go all glamour shots or anything (do they still have those places btw?) but i do want to look better than last time. then again, most of the time, when i show my license, i am lookin all good and stuff...at the bar and stufffff. then again, again, when some cop finds me peeing in an alley behind the bar after bitching out the bartender for cutting me off because i maybe fell over while dancing and took out the shot girl...i'm not gonna be lookin all hot and stuff then...(that has NEVER happened btw. i am strictly speaking in hypothetical terms...)

ok. i'm stalling...

you know you make me feel so real...

(these 'fall' photos feel much more wintery...guess i'm plannin ahead or something)

i feel pretty ok today. wonder why...?

here's a list of all the could be's...
maybe it's the wine currently in my blood.
or the time i spent with my camera.
or the day i spent doing nothing but watching charles in charge reruns and eating halloween candy and then napping until i just couldn't nap anymore.
or the scattered conversation i had with a friend that made me smile more than any other conversation that i've had in awhile--even the long, un-scattered conversations.
or the fish sticks i ate, cuz i love fish sticks.
or the cranberry sauce...the kind that when it plops out of the can, still looks like the can. i love that kind the most.
or the fact that i really just don't feel like showering today, so i'm not.
or because i'm watching law and order, one of my favorite shows ever. (though, i know i shouldn't watch it while home alone...like i'm doing currently. i always freak out and become convinced there's a serial murderer/rapist in my house.

(i can't get don't phunk with my heart, OUT of my head. i mean it's ok...and good thing i like the song and all. in fact, it's one of my favorite ever black eyed peas songs but it's ALL i keep hearing...i guess this is better than the three days straight of boom boom pow. those darn black eyed peas and their AWESOME beats... oh. i brought this up in regards to my title today. really. it wasn't THAT random...really.)

i wish i could write as mysterious as a cat -poe

train of iris thought goes like this:

feeling so many things in life currently. so many things that are so much more than i can handle. searching for clarity. searching for answers. so confused...

listening to owl city. loving the music. wondering about my connection to their other songs. searching lyrics. loving what i find. start searching other lyrics to other songs of other bands that i feel the connection with.

realizing, that it's all been felt and done before. realizing that owl city is so shallow compared to the depths of what's been written and felt before. thinking that song lyrics are all simply poetry put to notes. start searching classic poetry. assuming classic poets and poetry became classic due to the fact that there is a connection felt by many, throughout time. it must be the answer to all that's wrong and right all at once.

can't get into poetry. as usual. keep trying. can't connect. break it down. start searching poetry quotes. suddenly, connecting. suddenly smiling. suddenly needing to read the whole thing...

i know i won't find the exact answer. i know i'll find something though. some normalcy maybe, some entertainment maybe, or maybe just some temporary solace in it all. regardless, it's all i feel i have to put any sort of faith in lately...


((in the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. ~walt whitman))

i'm out

(no frames for a bit. my laptop got in the way of some people shot gunning beers the other night. and yes, then i chopped off all their heads...ooooh, that sounded bad. i didn't chop of the beer guzzling idiots' heads. i cut off all the gummy bear's heads)

went for a long ride to clear my head. turned up the music as so i couldn't hear my thoughts. i just drove. called, talked to a friend, a partner in crime of mine. usually it helps. today, it didn't. thought about heading downtown to see him, normally that cures it all, always has. this time i said no and just kept driving the other way. didn't know this was all gonna happen like this. had i, i doubt i woulda changed a thing...i spose.

all the coffee tastes bitter. i can't drink it. all the notes sound so sour. i don't wanna listen. i just want to go. lay down. and sleep off this hangover. and i do know...i know this is all for the better and it's the right thing to do and all those words that go along with saying goodbye but it doesn't dull the pain of all this reality. now, before things cross any lines. now, after it's only been four weeks of conversation. now, is better than later for so many reasons--i get it. taking one for the team...totally the right thing to do.

i feel like i'm missing something. i am. i'm missing this part of my daily routine and i get it. i really do. and i'm not angry. not even a little. i'll deal, just like i always do. it's what i'm good at. in fact, half the shock in all of this is the fact that i'm taking this like this at all. i had no idea this would be such a loss of wind. i know it's not permanent. but there's no end in sight. every ding. every pop. and it's always someone else who gets a disappointed hello. and i could make the excuse to reach out. i still have stuff to give back but, right now, it's not the time. it defeats the purpose entirely.

so. for the next few days. i'm gonna make myself focus elsewhere. like, really focus on focusing too. i think i have too. if i don't, i'll lay in bed. alone. with my computer. staring aimlessly at the ceiling in-between completing sentences. (so, basically, exactly what i'm doing now.) yeah. i'm gonna try to write. or photograph. and, at least, try not to become dormant.

sigh.

i guess, if it was easy and uncomplicated...it just wouldn't be me...