new home owners...meet your neighbor: mr. recession and his wife, record high oil prices...

(some days...it's strictly a color thing with me...)

i'm becoming quite a social recluse; not by choice but by force. see, lately, it comes down to gas or food.

the thought of driving half way across town, burning up three, or so, gallons of gas round trip in order to buy lunch at a restaurant, would cost me about 30.00. or, i could put that money toward food...30.00 at the grocery store can go a long way. same with going out at night...three gallons of gas, plus food costs and a bar tab...yeah, that will run upwards of 50.00. which, take that and combine it with my previous 30.00, and you have about our whole grocery bill for the week...or, i could go out twice...yeah, see why i've become a bit reclusive...? not by choice but out of necessity and i'm ok with that, really. i think i'm pissing people off but i can't help it...trust me, i would rather be out with company and the five year old, than stuck inside, alone with the five year old any day...or better yet, out by myself with friends.

it's not that i can't ever go out but i really have to be careful in my choices. we invested in a couple cool new sprinklers that serve both as lawn waterer's and play toys. we got a hand me down grill for free that came with some charcoal, got the grilling utensils for a gift and are planning to take a friend's old patio furniture...so we're set in that department anyway...being outside beats inside any day. i'm happy with my ability to find contentment in not being able to do it all. when/if gas goes down, if i start making more money or if we win the lottery i will be more than happy to shift again, but right now it's just not easy...i feel like it's kinda time to hunker down for the storm so-to-speak. i enjoy our neighbors very much, a ten-mile radius holds nearly every service we could need and our best friends are 15 miles away...(and they're broke too, so roasting wienies over a bonfire is perfect). but unfortunately, i still have people in my life who take this whole lack of quality time personally. (they seem to be the settled ones, no kids or apartment dwellers too may i add.)

sorry guys...really. you're MORE than welcome to come over here though :)

squeeeeeeeeze. there...buttoned.

(i have recently learned that t-ball is the most chaotic sport in the world...)

well, i'm getting to the point where my pants don't seem to slip on with the same ease they used to...so, i think i need to cut back on the crap. i found this diet plan yesterday...i think it's like an old farmer's one or something, but it sounds solid...

"Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card."

i think i might be able to adhere to that one for a bit. i've been thinking about switching my dinner to bread and wine anyway so that would work, right? (i finished the book down and out in london and paris rather recently...great read...lots of bread and wine. oh, i have one more thing to say about that book but i'll say it below, out of the parenthesis. long parenthesis annoy me.)

i think cheap wine, farmer's market bread...and maybe some goat cheese here and there, when possible would be ideal... all of that would cost me about fifteen or twenty bucks a week max. see, something has to go with my recently renewed love for red wine...i think it will be food. hmmm...that sounds bad huh? well, i can't afford them both and since wine seems to treat my stomach much better than a plate full of edibles does in the evening, i think it's time to try it. (late evening food does not sit well with me when i sleep...and with our schedule's, i'm always eating late.) by the time i get sick of this diet i'm willing to bet my pants won't be feeling so snug either...perfect.



oh yeah...the down and out in paris and london thing i wanted to mention...for the past eleven years, i have worked in and/or around the restaurant/hospitality industry...and apparently, nothing has changed...even all the way across the atlantic on this side of the world. seriously, that book was set in the 1920's in paris and london and the social structure of the industry and employees, common employee complaints, customer issues, management, etc...are all the same. the flooring and lighting (though i have worked through power outages) and cleaning methods are better now, along with the ease of acquiring the food but still...i loved that book for so many reasons but that was a really unexpected, but fun, parallel to ponder.

yeah, i nerded out there a bit but oh well...i'll leave you with one of orwell's closing thoughts because it's a good one...

"At present I do not feel that I have seen more than the fringe of poverty. Still I can point to one or two things I have definitely learned by being hard up. I shall never again think that all tramps are drunken scoundrels, nor expect a beggar to be grateful when I give him a penny, nor be surprised if men out of work lack energy, nor subscribe to the Salvation Army, nor pawn my clothes, nor refuse a handbill, nor enjoy a meal at a smart restaurant. That is a beginning."

i had jelly beans and coffee for breakfast...

...and i think this is all i have left in me tonight...

ewww...wait, no, not the jelly beans and coffee...just the energy to post that one lousy pic. i have eggs and soy chicken in me too because i just ate them...

*sigh*

(i love rainy days when there's flowers)

if i were more like you, would we be closer or would you be worried and sad for me...? please really ponder that... really think about that question...


*deleted...*


i have two relationships in my life this blog that this blog could apply to. it's sad they are so similar, but it's very typical, very textbook if you will, that they are the two i can't seem to shake...

on the bright side...i am eating the most incredible salad loaded with soy chicken right now...it's wonderful and i'm just about ready to turn on run lola run :)




(i went back and clicked delete a couple of times...i don't want to deal with the backlash i get when i tell the truth to you...)

blink is so great...can't get enough...

(two of my best friends who somehow deal with me...the other two somehow cope too...weird)

(last nights conversation was so incredible...stopping to blog would have been asinine...)

so, without further adu...a blog:

yes, i understand the need for moderation.

i understand the importance of limiting yourself.
i get it.
i really do.

but then, every now and then, i forget all about it and eat, oh, let's just say, an entire row and a half of fig newtons in one days time. they were both lunch, and dinner (and a snack or four in between) two days ago.
i am still paying for it today.

i think the problem started when i saw them at target, in the target brand...they were cheap and they are my favorite--and so i decided i needed to have some at that very minute. obviously, i went completely overboard due to the excitement of finally getting my figgy little fingers on some. even the thought of them is enough to make my stomach convulse. i wonder if all that outside shortbread stuff is in one big clump in there? that would explain so much of how i'm feeling. and then all those figs...how many figs did i actually consume i wonder...? gross.

on an equally gross note...my foot. it hurts. every time i walk i swear i can feel the skin tear a little more. it's awful. it's ooz-ey too. one time, when i was little, i was barefoot (i think half of my issues are that i'm always barefoot) and i stepped on a piece of glass. it was terrible. i bled a lot and that thing took forever to heal up. hopefully this one won't take as long...seeing as how i don't have a shard of glass jutting out of the bottom of my foot this time.

so yeah...that's where i'm at right now. i feel bad for my friends who put up with me sometimes.
oh well, i keep them somewhat entertained...and repulsed i spose.

did i go too far...

i didn't play croquet due to splitting the bottom of my foot open and having no feeling in my toes. ya know, when i think about it...the fact that i was too injured to play croquet is pretty lame.

it was all my sister's fault though...we were playing keep away and she checked me in mid-air and i came down on a brick...i felt my skin pop like the june bug my best friend squashed last night...my guts didn't pop out though, just my blood.

gross.

meant to post these yesterday...

...oh well, it made today's post quite simple.

i'm not sure what smells better...a zoo or a farm

i went to the butterfly garden at the zoo today; they were lovely...beautiful, in fact...the butterflies that is...not the zoo--that stunk like a zoo.

no wine tonight...hmmm, still no title though

(this looks like a painting...it's really dog hair--and just a minute amount of what was there, mind you)

spent over an hour cutting the hair on my dad's dog today. she was SO furry and hot. yuck. she looks like a puppy again.

we had a garage over the past three days and that's done now. it was a lot of work. yay. i'm quite tan now.

double yay.

a rose by any other name is this...whatever this is...

i already spent all the money i made today...damn

(a little creativity. folding chairs +long pieces of wood...the perfect holders for totes full of clothes)

today we started our garage sale. six hours of sitting in the sun...i'm exhausted...and brown ;) two more days to go.

guess i'm too tired to write in complete sentences too.
(ummm...yeah...let's just blame it on that.)

thank you vets...

today came and today went as does any other day.

funeral's for the elderly always feel, to me, like more than just the moving on of one soul, but the slow degrade of a generation as a whole. watching those old men shoot their rifles for the 21 gun salute as they did when they were young, and listening to the wrinkled man play taps on his slightly flat trumpet that he probably learned to play in grade school, brought tears to my eyes, like always. the WWII generation slowly cascading off the face of this earth and i am here to say good bye--to cry tears of both sorrow and joy for who they are and what they were, is the least i can do to honor their memory. not that i'm all yay war or anything, but i am respectful of the decisions of our service men and women who chose to defend our country for a portion of their life. they felt it was the right thing to do, and for that i am thankful. for believing their service was what would benefit generations to come and that it would make america stronger as a whole is what i am thankful for. i don't care what the war was or the politics surrounding it, the fact that they put their lives on the front line for me, for my child, is where my heart lives.

thank you grandpa for being that for my daughter.

goodbye.

a june bug just collided with me...

(i woke up to this...i liked it)

wake today.

funeral tomorrow.

the end.

ribbit...i know they don't make that sound but i've never titled anything, ribbit, and i like it

heehee. i love the expression on that toad's face; i can totally sympathize. my kid has been a bit, um, high spirited today and i think my expression may have resembled that more than once throughout the course of today :)

27, 10 and 5

(i've never seen pink honeysuckle; leave it to my grandma to have some growing in her yard)

i had a wonderful evening, despite the circumstances. i played at the kids table all night and enjoyed myself thoroughly. i did get a nice, new, deep bruise from my lovely sister--but it was well worth with the fun we had :)

wine...it's what i'm drinking (hence the lame title)

so, as promised, here it is-- the drunken brawl story.

my sister and i get along great, most of the time. like any two people we have our differences but, all-in-all, we see eye to eye on most everything. we're only two and a half years apart and i'm only an inch or two taller and only a pound or ten heavier than her--but she is the
rougher and tougher sister by far. we are very different in our personal lives; overall, she's the athlete and i'm the artist. we're both solid and neither of us gets hurt easily--and even if we're bleeding profusely from a down to the bone scrape, we're still laughing hysterically. oh, i did cry when she broke both of the bones in my shin when i was 12 , other than that, we find pain quite humorous.

so, here and there, we drink together; and, here and there, we get into one big physical fight. like i said, we see eye to eye but have our differences and i think, that instead of letting those differences split us apart on a daily basis, we simply get drunk once in awhile and throw down. it's quite therapeutic in fact. usually, by the time we're done, we're both laughing so hard about our injuries that we can hardly stand.

so, last saturday this happened again. this time, we had a huge yard, relatively soft grass and an audience when we attacked eachother. we actually made one guy say...wow, that had to hurt--and we all-out shocked another dude with our ability to withstand each other's blows...and still jump right back up. we had to quit when my sister hyperventilated from a laugh attack and i had lost both earrings and my favorite bracelet...which i still can't find btw...

but so yeah, my arm finally moves in all directions again and i think she can touch her eye without it causing her to wince in pain and best of all, her and i are as good and as strong as ever...

tonight, i have no title...

i thought i was done with all that depth-y stuff. tonight, i was planning to post a post like this: so, i was recently turned on to mcdonald's iced coffee and... or one like this: so, my sister and i got into another drunken brawl and... or even one like this: top ten reasons why i despise june bugs. 1...

but, you see, my grandpa died.

now we have never been particularly close. i have mostly fond memories of him from when i was little and good ones from when i was older but, like i said, we were never too close. it feels like a great uncle or someone dying. i mean, you feel sad but, for the most part, it doesn't hit too close to home. this is similar to that for me except the people most effected by this are some of the ones i hold closest to me and i just can't stop thinking about how they must feel--and in doing so, i'm once again faced with the reality that death is imminent and the one and only thing i will never be successful at talking my way out of.

i think that when i think of my mom, her sister's and my grandma, it hurts the biggest...my mom has brother's too, but being a female, with my own dad, i empathize with them the strongest.

my grandparents have been divorced all of my life, so my grandma is used to living on her own--but he was still the father of her kids; they dated, and married, and made a home, and produced a family together. now my grandma stands alone in front of her army, her second in command gone forever. i keep wondering how that might feel. i am in my years where she was with him and these are wonderful years for me. i will look back at them some day and i will miss them either way...but to have the person i shared them intimately with, dead...i would feel so alone, i think. good times or bad times, they were times of my life. maybe she's looking at death now and maybe it feels more real than ever.

and then there's my own mom. she had been so dutiful to my grandpa for years now. they were not always close and he wasn't always grateful for her, but she never left his side despite the toll it has taken on her personally. she went from a few years ago moving him from home to home, spending hours making him individually packaged, home-cooked meals he could freeze for later and doing all of his errand running to sitting with him for hours and reading him the newspaper, staying for even more hours, at his side and feeding him when he was too weak to do it himself--and those examples are just the tip of the iceberg of what she has done. she gave up her job, her social time and her life in general to be there for him. she rolls her eyes with her voice when i've mentioned this, but i see her as a saint. i really do. i keep thinking of how she must be feeling. she has cried about this, been stressed at times and felt so alone with it all. we're not always the closest to each other, as of late, but i still think about her a daily basis. i try to imagine what she must think, how she might feel...maybe there's a sense of relief, hell, there would have to be i think, but there must be a general feeling of, "now what?" too. and then the loneliness of losing a parent, someone who raised you, someone you have built the last few years of your life around...my dad said that after losing both of his parents he felt quite orphaned in the world, even as an adult. so i think of all of that too. i think of losing my own dad...and that's when i cry. it's so self-centered that that's what makes me cry the hardest, but it's the only way i know how to empathize. i think about being a grandma, losing my friends one by one, and i cry; i think about my daughter caring for me someday and i cry as well, but i think, i think of my mom the most. i am so proud of her strength and i pray it's in me too...i look up at her as i did before we ever saw eye to eye. i think that strength must be in me considering that i am her daughter; but, at this point, i can only hope due to, like i said, only being able to think about things; assuming i could be half of her is selfishly presumptuous. i don't know what she's going through; i can only imagine.

then there's her sister's. one of them is on a train right now. she was coming here to help my mom care for him because my mom was just so tired. she had expected to see him for one last father's day and now, on her travels, she knows that she is too late. i wonder if she questions if she would have left earlier had things been different or if, with her faith, if she's secure in knowing that was simply his time. her other sister is so far away and so lonely. i'm not sure she will come here due to fears she has, but then i think about her alone. there is loneliness in death and there is loneliness in life and she is facing them both, alone. and then all of them are dealing with a media barrage of father's day reminders for, 'getting dad the perfect gift'...maybe it feels like salt in a wound, maybe not.

i feel so useless in my thoughts. thoughts don't help anyone, but i know i can't make things better either. so i write, and i toss around thoughts of death, and of life, and i find some sort of solace in that i suppose. i toss the thoughts around sober, and i toss them around stoned, and occasionally i toss them around while drunk. i'm always trying to figure it all out...as if an altered state of mind might be the key to unlocking it all (it's not)...i've been trying to figure it all out since i was five. i try to just be thankful for my age, my health, my situation in this life and those things help me feel better. not in an, 'i'm better than you sort of way' but in an, 'i need to not forget to be thankful' sort of way.


10:40 pm...(i'm finally back to my computer after a night on the phone and two glasses of wine.)

i'm very sorry if i've offended anyone tonight...family mostly...but i'm just hitting 'publish post' before scrutinizing my post like normal. i'm just not in the mood. sometimes you get me raw and a bit unedited...before the 'oooh, that sounds bad' thoughts kick in and i start deleting and heavily editing. despite what anyone may believe, i have never talked 'flowery, sugar-coated bullshit'...and if i have, it's what i truly believe. i'm quite hippy-ish and that whole buddhist non-attachment/forgiveness/non-judgment thing speaks loudly to me. if you think about what i believe i do make sense and i'm not crazy. maybe tomorrow i will write of the drunken brawl with my sister...it was a doozy this time... for now though, i am going to finish this glass of wine and then pour another. i am going to wander off to bed, i think i'll shower in the morning, and i'm going to turn on a movie--something funny most likely...and i'm going to use that movie to clear my mind from the past/present/future cluster-f*ck of a mess it's stuck in and then i'm going to sleep.

a little sexism, plus a little anarchism makes for a little of today's blog

(sadly, i've never been a fan of the mini donut)

yesterday's blog led me to this fascinating continuation into today's blog...tv women/moms.

them damn tv women are portrayed as do-it-all goddesses whom rise flawlessly to every challenge on a career level, relationship level and family level. it sucks. it sucks in the same way i'm supposed to by 5'8, 112 pounds, brazillian-ly tan and a 34 D according to our lovely culture. see, i'm neither of those women...not even close. i know i'll never be the model, despite diets, self tanners and push up bras--but there's still hope of being that model employee/girlfriend/mother. so, on days when i can't quite successfully channel my inner mrs. cleaver and seamlessly merge her with my inner ms. moore, i feel like a total failure. oh, i should add mrs. ingalls to that one too after purchasing a half acre of land. (i really wish i could update the characters i'm using; apparently, i haven't watched tv since 1982.)

it's such a juggling thing and to be honest, i have never so much as been able to juggle two balls. serious. i'm not good at it. i'll play catch for hours with one but any more, well, i drop them and say screw it and then i focus on that one again. it's just me. i truly believe that's beneficial in parts of my life, like with my pics. i'll spend an hour editing one if need be. i don't mind even a little. it feels like time well spent when all is said and done. throw in distractions and i get annoyed fast. not because i can't handle it, because i don't want to. how can you get good at something when you're split in more than one direction? i'm like that with my yard and my house too. i want to just work on it and then stand back and feel accomplished to see it all weeded and all clean...man that feels good. same with work, when i'm there, that's all i want to do. hell, i won't even make two trips in from target unless absolutely 100% necessary. i will cut off circulation in my arms lining four bags down each and i know one will break but if i can just focus on that and then be done...i'm happy. having a kid was a big, and slightly painful, adjustment due to this, trust me. i was shocked when i realized how impossible it became to focus on one of anything.

oh yeah, back to what i was originally getting at...the expectation of what women need to be seems to derive so heavily from pop culture and well, everything pop culture dictates should be reality, right? why do we fall into it so easily and then look down at the ones who don't--like they should be more to be better? i know our culture, in general, dictates that 'more, more, more' mentality--but why does breaking out of it equal judgment, and perhaps stoning from your peers? i guess our culture isn't too friendly to outsider's--which i find ironic considering we were built up as the melting pot of the world.

i'm not sure where all this stemmed from. i think it was high gas prices that started it all, oh, high gas prices and a slow day at work. i know things will only change when our priorities shift and not from internet bitching. the rise in materialism seemed to coincide, in the states at least, with the rise in leisure time. when people worked on the farm all the live long day finding the time to pick up a glamour magazine or turn on entertainment tonight would have been a waste. however, here come the dishwashers, washing machines, vaccuum cleaners and cars and the next thing ya know, marilyn monroe is what every woman strives to be. maybe all this frantic swimming to make ends meet will squash all that pop-culture derived hysteria we've all succumbed to at one point in time, or maybe i just sound sexist. don't know. don't care.

sometimes i think my kid might be better off growing up in a economically slow era so she has some depth--as opposed to growing up in the bubble-gum-colored america, held together with scotch tape (that's made in china, btw) we're all currently slothing around in.

i meant to post this yesterday but i fell asleep...oops

(rainy rush hour...the commute was almost an hour and a half)

so, i'm starting to think it would be cheaper to not work. with gas being what it is i'm really afraid i may not be able to stay working where i'm working. i love my job and my co-workers and the company but the 60 mile or so round trip with the four dollar plus per gallon gas--plus, paying for city parking...yeah, it's hard.

i spent my day researching the bus routes but, i'm afraid that, as of right now, that's not looking too feasible. the trip from my home, on a bus, is one and a half hours each way and the shortest i can get my trip down to is 47 minutes--and that's when i already drive over half the distance. unfortunately, they won't drop my kid off at the babysitter's house either.

when i was hired at the museum i work at, i commuted a whole 15 minutes. i knew we were moving but where we initially bought our home it would have only tacked on five to ten more minutes to the morning route. no big deal. then when we found the home we're in now..well, my commute went to hell in a hand basket. where did that saying come from anyway? what a strange thing to say...maybe it had to do with the wizard of oz and toto's really the devil who made the tornado come and destroy dorothy's farm and then pink floyd played their devil's music that coincidently coincided with the movie proving that toto really was the devil. yeah, that was one of my weaker ideas. there's pretty much holes in that theory bigger than in that movie with shia laboof. that was a pretty good movie btw. i have to say that most people at work seem to be bussers and walkers but i'm not...my actual life life isn't too conducive to that. i live way out there and i have a kid whom needs a place to stay in the mornings due to the schedule overlap.

i keep thinking that if i just hang in there, when she starts kindergarten it might get easier but i'm not sure why. i know i'll get a raise soon but realistically, i know it won't be anything over the .50 cents to a dollar an hour that seems fairly standard...and won't help much in the long run.

it seems selfish to stay here but even more lonesome to think about leaving...especially while my kid still loves it so much here--and at the zoo where i get a free membership and the science museum where i get one too. this job is flexible with our insane schedule; they're beyond understanding that i'm a mom first, employee second and the perks, like i mentioned, are wonderful--but what about the cost?

i think about a second job, but doing what? there's not a whole lot out there that needs help the one day a week for the eight hours i have...for some ridiculous reason i enjoy my family and even like being at home and committing to more time away from them sounds more painful than leaving the museum. besides, if i wasn't at home nothing would get done there. my guy is so busy and doesn't have time or energy to do laundry, make meals, clean toilets etc...i love to be able to do those things but if i'm holding down two jobs, when will those things get done? i'm behind now and to find socks this morning through my clean, unfolded mountain of laundry took almost five minutes; i refuse to get used to that as the norm.

so, with as busy as things are...why do i still end up feeling like such a slacker? i guess when your priorities are equally distributed between that of a 1950's housewife and a modern day working woman throwing my hat in the air while sonny curtis croons in the background, 'you're gonna make it after all', it's easy to feel like you should be doing more. like your 'good enough' is never enough these days when gas is sky-rocketing, food costs are up and everything else is following...all your efforts only lead to the need to do more.

so, i'm contemplating not staying at the most beneficial job to myself and my family in order to make more money to keep from drowning...i guess both are beneficial to my family and i in their own regard--when put like that, that is. i guess it's a sign of the times...then again, in 1929, i'm quite certain there were plenty of parents asking themselves the same thing. maybe my life long, strange and somewhat morbid obsession with the great depression will be the key to figuring this out...who knows. i do know that that second kid isn't coming anytime too soon.

holy crap that got freakin long. i wrote it all while at work actually. we're doing this upgrade and i can't use the stuff i need on my computer so i'm just sitting here waiting for the phone to ring.
it's been a long day. i think i'll write tomorrow's blog too.

i love these flowers...

lovely

(who still uses the word trollop anyway...it was hilarious)

so, my party last night was perfect! it was the most perfect party ever :) it was just perfect. i know...thesaurus.com could have came in handy there...but, yeah.

my sister's races were canceled, so she was able to help with my grandma...they live within ten miles from each other. my kids best friend came after all, and they kept each other quite entertained throughout the night...and didn't even fight [too much]. i didn't wear the dress but that's ok. it was hot anyway...i wore a different sun dress that turned out to be, well, you guessed it, perfect.

i didn't go to sleep until 7:30 this morning only to be woken up at 8:30 by happy kids who wanted pancakes. i didn't want to waste the night by sleeping and the fact that i had great conversation to hold me awake that long just couldn't be thrown away...i'll take tired though; i just get to look forward to a good night of sleep the next night.

it was just a perfect day. well, the bruises i have from the wrestling match with my sis aren't that perfect, but i'll live.

today wasn't that great...

...most of the day i fought with my guy cuz i'm kinda bitchy when i'm stressed and p.m.s-ee. go figure. tonight, after he left, it got better...see illustration.

not dressed up, but at least i have a place to go

i bought the most perfect dress tonight. i told my guy and my dad that i was planning to wear it to my party; i figure i could look cute anyway--despite my annoyance with the whole thing. anyway, i told them both i was wearing a dress and they both basically laughed at me saying...you? in a dress? seriously?

i refuse to bring that dress back though. i bought it with the intent of wearing it to my party but now i'm feeling all weirded out by the whole thing. ya know what the selling point of the dress for me was? well, there were two...no wait, three actually. first, the price; it was on clearance. second, it hides my bony knees quite nicely and third, no bra. that's right. it's built in so i don't need one. that dress is awesome...now i just need to be the kind of girl who wears dresses.

screw the healthy thing...

we're having a party on saturday; half housewarming, half just for fun.

it's become quite apparent that my party is an excuse for everyone else to have a good time while i have a pretty normal, take care of it all sort of night. i have those every night, yay.

here's the update on my terrific party as of now (all of this was found out in the last 24 hours btw, hence my irritation):

i volunteered to babysit my nephew so my sister can go see some car race she really wants to see. i figured since i'll be here either way he can hang out until she comes over after the race thing. she's not sure what she's doing due right now and may just end up leaving him someplace else for the night so she can have more fun.

then there's my grandma. it looks like, as of right now, i will be making the 112 mile round trip to pick her up and bring her home that day. fine. i'm not complaining about it, it's just that no one else can help due to their plans to have their own fun...car races, motorcycles, plans to drink too much etc...

and now, my kids best friend won't be here. my nephew is iffy and the other boy coming definitely won't be here late, if he's here at all...mostly depending on if my nephew's coming. so basically, that leaves my kid who is not only disappointed, but will also be my whole responsibility that night...like normal. (fine, i understand, i have a kid and all, but i'm just asking for one night) putting her to bed early is impossible due to the fact we have played this up as a family party and i'm not about to be that selfish by telling her the we'll save some of the smores stuff her and i bought, or that we won't do too many sparklers while she's sleeping...that's just mean. so it will be her and a bunch of adults all day and all night...that oughta be fun for me...if you've ever hung out with a bored five year old, you'll know how much i'm dreading this...and if not, trust me, it's as bad as you probably think.

i understand people want to have their own fun, i do. i like fun too; in fact, i'm contemplating going dancing that night. i maybe sound selfish, but if you know me, you would know that this is like the first party i've had since i was about 18. i do nothing for my birthdays and did nothing for my college graduation...actually, for that, i got nothing but a card from my regulars at the restaurant i was working at at the time and didn't say a damn thing about it...so yeah, maybe i sound a bit self-centered but i was really excited about this (and with good reason i think), until like, last night... and don't get me wrong folks, i'm NOT mad at anyone at all, just a tad disappointed...and freshly disappointed at that, hence the need to bitch and moan.

i guess, what this all boils down to and leaves me with is the same old same old, i will be spending a bunch of money and hanging out with my kid...this time, i have to clean the whole house first though.

i'm addicted to the white stuff...sugar, that is

(one more foggy day pic...maybe)

stupid twizzlers.

i'm unable to not eat them.

two weeks is a super long time to stay healthy for.

go get 'em tiger...i mean garfield

(cabin)

(the fish house that has creeped me out since, well, all my life)

i'm writing first thing this morning because i'm feeling productive. well, i'm trying to feel productive...i'm actually still in bed watching spongebob squarepants. in a minute, or eleven, i will be getting up to do laundry and clean cabinets and toilets and dust and weed whip and sweep...see why i'm still in bed watching a silly little square sponge with a squeaky voice...? i am blogging though so, like i said, i can feel a little productive at least...ya know...jump startin the day and all--or somethin like that.

after this, i'm going to bed...

after three hours of fishin' i almost caught the big one. i saw him anyway. ended up with three small bass; they were fun to pull in nonetheless.

after twelve hours of sun i ended up nice and bronze. should've been burnt to a crisp, but i wasn't. i'm quite glow-ey, in a slightly brazilian sorta way.

after five beers i should've slept like a baby in the tent, but i bet i only slept about three hours. it was a night of listening to a fun band, noisy loons, chirpy crickets and whiny dogs...not to mention constant body cramps and waft of stinky dog.

after one small hour, sixty little minutes, of working with the kid on a two wheeler she became a pro. no more training wheels...just much more big kid confidence.

after forgetting my wallet with money, drivers and fishing license in it, i didn't run out of gas, get pulled over on the road or stopped on the lake by the d.n.r. --my dad borrowed me twenty bucks at the end of the weekend to get me home, and it got me here like it was sposed to.

after getting home and laying down, i realized just how fulfilling and perfect this weekend was.