to: all four of you

all right. check one, two...here i go...
(no photo to accompany. i don't wanna waste something i love on something so ugly.)

i hate mentally unstable people. yes. that's right. i hate something and someone. and, i do, rightfully so. because they are the people who hurt you, just to hurt you, and then blame you and twist it and won't even think that you should be mad because well, they blame you.

and then there's me. the kind of person who can't shake it. and i internalize it. and i blame myself. (and i get that i tend to be a little crazy too. just read this blog from start to finish, for instance. but there's a major difference between the kind of crazy that makes up words and randomly wants to paint murals on walls and the kind of crazy like i'm referring to here...)

these people are the ones who are so hurt by everyone. they're the ones who always come to work, to school, to facebook, to chat, with a new, 'omg. i can't believe what this person did to ME' story. they're the person who is always the victim. they're the person who has new drama and when they have no new drama, they feed off anything you talk about and then talk to the next person about it. they're the people who are always there when you're having a rough time, even when you haven't spoken in forever and when things are going good, they're the first to bring you down or just magically disappear (life always just gets really busy for them at those times). they're the people who have had really shitty lives and upbringings and are, or are supposed to be, on meds (but aren't anymore because they say they're okay), and by all psychological terms have a lot goin' on. but they're the same people who can effortlessly make it feel like it's you; like it's all you.

i hate myself for being susceptible to them and their disease. like a moron, a stupid, fucking, happy, puppy...i wag my retarded tail over and over when they're around. i try extra hard to find friendship with these people and i allow myself to get sucked in. i get so desperate for their approval and to only keep them happy that i throw myself into these people's lives and i try to be friends and be happy and swallow all they throw at me just to keep the peace.

tonight, i lost it. like, i seriously lost it. i snapped on a chick who, responding off of second hand info, got really crabby with me. and i started nicely...i reminded her that i DID talk to HER about the same thing and i reiterated the fact that i had a hard time with schedules/plans/technology/etc...and i told her i did what was convenient for me. and then she responded with a 'fine, whatever' comment and said that there was too much drama. that's when it happened. i lost it. too much drama? (this chick is insane. from her mom leaving her alone as a child, so she could go to the bar, to her wanting to screw other people, divorcing her husband and leaving her child to him...it's been a mess from the start. i think her facebook photos sum up her life well. the most current photo of her son, taken in november mixed in with hundreds of photos of her partying, drinking, new boyfriend and vacations.)

i called her out for screwing up her family (i know it's a sore spot :( ), i mentioned how badly she messed up her own life, how she can't keep her shit together; i told her to go fuck herself, i called her a hot headed bitch and a stupid whore and i wished her and her 'family' luck in the future. and then i blocked her on everything i could. then she emailed me on my personal email saying equally nasty things and told me to stay away from her and her family. (i never see them...ever. nor do i care to.) i basically laughed it off, said, 'oh the family YOU messed up...gladly.' and then i blocked her there too. i blind copied my two bff's into it ALL so i didn't have to explain anything later...they both thought this whole thing was awesome, btw. (i'm sure half because i don't ever freak like that--used to, out of desperation with these kind of people, but then realized they STILL don't see how crazy they make you and you just get really upset--and half because they've been telling me she's crazy all along.)

i know this has been a long time coming but i am so mad at myself for even sinking to this level. i gave into anger. i gave into letting anger overtake me and making my head spin. i gave into petty drama with people i don't even care about, because i was angry. i said nasty things (though i'm still too upset to regret them). and also, this opened up a whole lot of old wounds that are way fresher and sorer than previously thought.

part of me though, i do have to say, is kinda proud of me. i have been so conditioned, through major relationships in my life, to accept this kind of treatment. and yeah, i have freaked before but like i said, it's when i honestly can't take the bullshit anymore and no one listens. when i can't take being bailed on, can't take being subtly put down, can't take being told i need to deal with it, can't take the needless drama, can't take the constant poor me rhetoric, can't take the depressive tone...it's just when i can't do it anymore that i freak.

ya know...me yelling like this wasn't just me yelling at her, it was me yelling at her, plus three other people in my life equally.

i can't be your level of messed up. your level of depressive. your level of pretending it's normal to be miserable. your level of selfishness. i don't believe i'm above anyone, or anything...but i do believe i'm a million times better than how you think i deserve to live.

my life, after screaming at her, feels like mine. and you, you slimy fuckhead, are gone for good. if i ever see you again, anywhere near my life...it'll be way too soon. all the lies that i was to stupid to not believe. and you, you're just a loser pot head who is so far from anything i'll ever be again. and you...you're just someone who should have been there so much more to me, but disappointed me so many times it stopped hurting nearly a decade ago.

time to pave my own way...

it's about damn time...