just breathe...

(dixie)

(redone...i can now sleep at night.)

ya know, today, i'm just crabby. not from this weekend. because it was great. it started, on friday, with a three-mile hike with the dogs. we ventured though some pretty great, off road, areas and we conquered some pretty snowy terrain (waterproof and insulated hiking boots were a must). but, because, well, i'm tired.

okay. so. here's the deal. i gave up coffee for lent. got it. but, unintentionally, soda went with it. and therefore, all of my major caffeine sources, well, dissipated rapidly into nothingness. it's weird, but i'm not complaining. i mean, i am absolutely looking forward to my first cup of coffee but soda can stay gone.

anyway, i've also recently acquired a new dog. a big dog. a ferocious, 80 lb, pup who needs to walk and run...so, naturally, i need to walk and/or run daily. plus, i'm working at least 40 hours a week and starting my day at 5:30, when that first alarm goes off. and all of that equals a perfect storm of, well, normalcy. i get up early. i go to work. i come home and squeeze in lunch, more work/prep (photo work or an art class i'm teaching and prepping for the next day of work) and sometimes, a hike. (if the weather's too bad for the kid to ride her bike, then i go alone.) then, the kid gets home and if i haven't been out with the dogs, we go out then. then i shower, make dinner, make her lunch and snack for the next day, help her with homework, take care of any housework that needs to get done (laundry, dishes, etc...), prep clothes for the morning for myself and the kid, get her to bed and then, well...then, i'm too tired to walk and it's usually 8 or 8:30 at this point. and that's all a regular night. some nights there's girl scouts or a parent/teacher conference or a school event or a work meeting/class that i need to attend...it's ridiculous. and i'm tired. and on top of being tired, i'm feeling guilty because i don't see the man at all. my day is ending when he is getting home...and i don't have the energy to chat or hang out or watch a tv show or movie. plus, to get eight hours of sleep, i need to be asleep by 9:30. (without caffeine, my body naturally just get tired...it's strangely nice.) the time from when my kid went to bed until midnight, or so, used to be the time i did stuff though...like, returned emails, updated my website, chatted with friends, hung out with the guy, etc...and now? now, i just sleep. so yeah. it makes me crabby. my days are packed solid with not an ounce of time for myself. and i feel, well, normal. and i'm so terribly bad at feeling normal. my camera has been put down. coffee is gone. (granted hiking boots are on and big dog has been found.) any, and all, time to write, read and chat is out the window. i kinda feel like a shell. but i'm swimming...not drowning and that's good. i spose.

okay...i'm done complaining about being normal. i shouldn't complain about this because things ARE good, amazing in fact. but it's a difficult adjustment in my head to feel so naked in front of myself, lacking the things that complete my personality but being covered, so fully, with everything else.