the other

(one of the musicians warming up for saturday's rainbow rumpus event...)

so. i know i've said this before but...i'm starting another blog.

i mean it this time and i swear it'll work. it's my OWN blog this time so i'm in control of it and it's my professional-ish blog so, i'll have to watch the swears i spose.

this blog though, my iris blog, will become the red-headed stepchild that never gets spoken of over there--on the nice blog. and this blog however, my iris blog, my first-born, will still be here...just like normal. because really...what would you do without this whole mess of, well, me?

the nice blog

w.b.e.

(the top one, i call...texture. the rest, i call...sheep)

so, one day, a friend says, 'you have old lady hands.' i've been working on that ever since...my nails are long and uber-shiny and i've been searching for a good lotion to help my hands not look old-ladyish. so far, so good...

sigh. that was on my mind, since i'm typing. anyway, today was field trip, day one, with the kid. we hit an old farm from the 1800's. i think that's a staple of the little kid field trip--old farm.

regardless, it was really cool...especially since it's a place i've driven by a hundred times but never had reason to stop. the lousy part though, the farm, combined with the rain, have kicked my october allergy's into full effect. and, it sucks.

ya know, until i had the kid, i had never had an allergy in my life. after i had her, every october, i got a massive sinus infection. after three years, they allergy tested me and told me it's allergy's...so now, i get to endure extreme sinus pain until a deep freeze, but avoid the infection if i just keep taking claritin-d. anyway, when the allergy's first hit, they're terrible. hence why i have bengay on my forehead right now. last year, i smeared it on my sinuses and the fumes burned my eyes worse than anything i had ever felt in my life. i need to go stock up on meds tomorrow...and hope for an early couple of freezes. the meds ward off infection, but not pain...the freeze kills the pain. regardless, this is terrible. the pain is awful.

why am i telling you this? between old lady hands and sinus infections, this has to be one of my worst blogs ever.

it was either this or charles in charge...again...

(top two photos taken through a rainy window, hence the foggy feel...)

(not through a rainy window...)

i'm layin in bed, watchin 'gimme a break' and wow 80's sitcoms bordered slapstick comedy. i don't even know why i'm watching this show but it's super pretty good. i don't know about that last phrase either. my crappy sleeping habits have made me into a pile of crap today. it's my day off and i'd love to finish deep cleaning the kitchen cabinets/drawers but that isn't happening. i think i'll run to the store to grab the cheeses i need for dinner but am dreading having to clean the kitchen again before starting to cook. i clean that damn thing everyday. maybe i'll just start packing up my art room closet. oh my gosh! they're just discovering a rubik's cube! and in the last episode, they talked about being fat and not making kids clean their plate if they're full because it's not healthy and can lead to a a lifetime of over eating. this was 1981 folks. and oh my gosh! i have that same sweater!

i need to get up. also, i possibly need a new sense of style...

taylor beat me to the punch with this one...

(thank you stranger lady at the parade...it's the first rose i've touched in years...)

ya know, i know. i know i'm gonna sound like a pissed off, bitter, whiny girl in this blog, but ya know what, i am. i posted that whole blog awhile back about being better at walking away than dealing, but when i stop and deal, i turn into that pissy, bitter, whiny girl i mentioned above. and anyone who knows me, knows that i will avoid conflict in nearly anyway possible...even if it means forgiveness where it shouldn't be or never opening my mail; i just ignore and focus on something that feels better. i blame hippies...

anyway...i'm here. i'm focusing now. and the little i do know about me in relationships is that i'm always a better friend than girlfriend. fine. i totally get that. friendship requires respect both ways and i'm really good at seeing through everything to see the good deep down--even in lousy people. one side effect of that: i get resentful while trying to be a girlfriend. it never feels like it's fair. like, i'm just some stupid puppy that'll get kicked and then keep coming back to lick the foot that kicked me. eventually, the puppy will bite and when puppies are always getting kicked, they'll always start biting and by that logic, i'm turning into a crabby old dog!

ok. so...if you love someone, or respect someone, why do you kick them? you don't, right? (sorry...had to stop referring to myself as a dog there...i was freakin myself out.)

i thought about how i looked to a neighbor the other day when she stopped over. i was in sweats, carrying a laundry basket. our conversation kicked off with me complaining about the twelve loads of laundry i had that week. i had cleaned my bedroom, the bathroom closet and the kids bedroom and had way more than normal. i had a broom against the wall and the vacuum cleaner in the living room. my kid was running around with a hula hoop and my roomie came upstairs asking if i could give him a ride to work (he has since got a job with me and got my bike stolen--so, my job is also him for the foreseeable future, i imagine, until i either a) use my truck to bring him home a new bike or b) as i was told tonight, make more money.) typically, i run into my neighbor's husband while i'm mowing, weeding or shoveling. last year, he came over to help me shovel...that's when i wonder what they think of me and my life--like all couples, they talk. i start to feel so pathetic and honestly, embarrassed. i'm so tired of people joking that they wish they could find a 'chick like me,' yet i'm constantly made to feel as if i'm not enough--there's a major disconnect somewhere in there. and as i'm being told that, until i make more money, i've now inherited a 35 year old man as my child as well and it's that simple...i silently wonder why i'm doing this. i bit and just now, i licked. we're cool. everything is good. and tomorrow, i'll get the kid off to school and i'll finish deep cleaning the drawers and i'll be home when she gets home and i'll go to work in the evening, with the guilt of knowing how stressful it is with your schedule to be home on time for me and i'll bring my roomie along with me and then home with me, and if i don't smile you'll get quiet and moody with me, so i need to smile....

and who treats someone like this? and then blames them? and i know you're gonna be mad about this and i'll deal with that later but in the mean time...here's some reading material for ya...

article one

and two

and three

and four

five

and six

and seven too

and the song that just KEEPS running through my head...wonder why?

and, see, told ya up there how i was gonna sound...all my links refer the bitterness i mentioned. i think i nailed whiny and pissy with my words already.

bottom line...chicks don't post this shit unless they're really pissed about retarded men in their life and ready to snap. if i could throw this all into lyrics, i could sell a song. you can be as mad at you want but women are, plainly and simply, driven by emotion. everyone knows that. men have so much damn power to turn that emotion into one thing or another. i think it's funny that men who don't know how to treat women always end up dating women who are crazy, right? it must be the women. really. it's not that the men get pissy, because the women is, and next thing ya know the woman's an old dog biting at everything and he's miserable and it's all her fault.

treat a woman good, she'll be good to you...treat her bad, don't expect her to stay any longer than she has to...and don't you dare feel sorry for yourself when she does walk out for good on your ass--you know you didn't deserve her anyway, especially, considering you routinely questioned why she put up with you in the first place.

((delete))

(((flashback...right. you're just the same...don't even go all tys on my ass...)))

things'll be great when you're downtown

(re-do...all done. i need a road trip. even a, kid's-are-at-school, day trip, an hour and a half away trip...i need a road trip.)

i need to start keeping notes. i, so often times think, 'i want to blog about this! i'll do it tonight!' then, inevitably tonight comes and i forget what 'it' is. so...here i sit. wondering what to write about but knowing i have a writing bug that needs to be squashed. squishing a real bug though, is something i'd never purposely do. sure, an ant gets stepped on here and there but that's not intentional, that's divine intervention...or something. this weekend, i bet i got bit over 100 times by mosquito's and never squashed one. if i was to have slapped myself that many times, i would have ended up injured. (i also have no mosquito bumps though...they were tiny mosquito's, maybe that has something to do with it? i credit bug-karma.) i did end up injured, i guess, but not from bugs. (i realized today that i haven't been bee stung this summer, btw! i get bee stung pretty much every summer...i haven't mowed over any hives either though this summer.) i got injured from weeds actually. i brushed against something that made my hand break out in about twenty, white, blistery looking bumps that burned and itched so bad. they're now just deflated looking red bumps that don't burn or itch at all. i mostly did cutting this weekend. all-in-all, i cut down ten trees in various stages of growth and i made the man chainsaw down two more big ones, as no one seems to trust me with one of those things. i got slivers, chipped my nail polish (which i also learned is the same color as my blood) and i have scratches all over my arms, but the yard looks good at least--me, on the other hand, whole different story.

this morning, i did get to get pretty (despite my perma-crabby demeanor, as of late, bumpy hands, chipped polish and scratched up arms) and enjoy a wonderful brunch, downtown. al vento. amazing. their eggs benedict and their whipped cream...perfection. seriously. i never write about food like this...well, maybe i do here and there, but this was the best food i've ever written about...despite what i may have said back then. i didn't know what i was talking about back then. my kid dug their chocolate fountain and the fresh strawberries and i just marveled in it all. and so veggie-friendly! thank you urban dining for being able to, so beautifully, healthily and effortlessly, incorporate beans and fish and eggs [not riddled with sausage and bacon] into your, from-scratch, menu. i also wasn't the odd man out when it came to the clothes i dressed in! thank you urban fashion for not consisting of various shades of khaki and perhaps, if feeling daring, a tiny splash of maroon (not red though...too bright...). it was great to wear my hair, my necklace, my skirt and my shiny zebra shoes out loud and to feel normal while doing so. typically, i try to be me without being too loud and that starts to get frustrating. then i go crazy and drink wine and cut my bangs so short they stick straight up.

i know, i know. whatever. shit happens. they've grown out quite nicely since...

((awkward silence))

yup...uhm, down to the eyebrows now and looking sharp--like i meant to do it. i mean i did. i meant to do it.

((rocks on feet, scrunches nose))

i mean, actually, i had planned to cut ALL my hair...common sense did kick in. really. obviously. right? totally...





((walks away mumbling about them twins))

this calls for a toast...

(more re-do's...)

well, i got the volunteer position i really wanted. it was competitive! background checks, references called, interviews and competition--but it was worth the month of effort. i'm one of three photographers signed on with the local publication, Rainbow Rumpus. it's a online/print publication/magazine designed for kids, and primarily by kids with glbt parents. there's just a handful of women making it a reality and i feel really honored to be a part of it. (seven, eight of us maybe??) i am in the first batch of photographers ever be 'signed' on and i feel like i really have a voice with my work and how it gets to where it needs to go. i feel incredibly honored that i get to use my camera to capture an incredibly underrepresented group of children within our society and within the media itself.

i love kids. i love families. i love having a gift that i can share. and i love seeing people passionate about what they believe in. this embodies all of that...

i hate seeing children who are made to feel as if they don't count in their own life...because the life they were blessed with isn't wholly accepted by all of the country that they were born in. makes no sense to me. i want to give them some sort of a voice and photography gives a voice. it makes people feel like they belong somehow--if it didn't, photography wouldn't be what it is today... (have ya seen this? these are old photos taken when photography was brand new. after a loved one died...families panicked due to having no remembrance of them--so the dead family member was 'posed', and often times things like eyes and 'color' were edited in after the fact--long before the days of photoshop, of course. proof positive, the power of the portrait...)

my job with the publication will be to attend to events and take family portraits as well as photograph the event itself. the job will be to make the website and magazine colorful and representative of the folks who read it. i'm excited for the challenge, as i feel like i'm stepping into a whole new world on so many levels...

warning...this may make sense?

(beautiful sunday, sunset in the country...)

gosh this first day of school was great.

i mean, don't get me wrong, i LOVE playing, event-planner/mediator/friend/server/chef/personal trainer/accountant/stylist/housekeeper/launderer/nurse/disciplinarian/teacher/co-worker/chauffeur, on TOP of being a mom, for twelve straight weeks, twelve hours a day...but it gets tiring. i had two nights off during the whole summer and not one day...except when i went to work--though most of the time, the kid came with. and don't get me wrong...i'm NOT complaining, but good lord, back-to-school is a much needed, breath of fresh air.

i really didn't do anything today...i cleaned the kids room, as i thought that would be a nice surprise for her to come home to. i cleaned the house and worked on trying to conquer the eleven loads of laundry that have been growing and taunting me since the end of this past holiday weekend. oh! i did get to enjoy a cup of coffee while running a few errands--in peace. the kid's taking the bus this year...it's the first time it's been offered in our area and wow, is it awesome. i do everything for her and i get to step back with this...though it is weird not being at her school everyday--but i actually get to step back :) it's good for both her and i.

she's in bed now...the school thing brings a nice, 7:30 bedtime, so i'm peacefully enjoying a bowl of fully-loaded mashed potatoes, complete with veggie-bacon, and a glass of white wine. the two go surprisingly good together...though the wine itself it quite terrible. (gnarly head, chardonnay, 2007. it got fabulous reviews and scored 92 pts, plus it was under 15.00...i thought, wow, can't go wrong with that! well, yeah. i can. it is good, but i can't enjoy it for some reason. it's not my cupcake sauvignon blanc...but then again, nothing is.)

as for the rest of this week...i have errands and a pie date/therapy session with my bff scheduled tomorrow. it's our weekly thing when the kids are in school, though the last time we had it was april? our schedules/lives got insane there and nothing matched up...so, tomorrow is long over due. thursday brings a meeting at a cake joint for a volunteer position with a local magazine...it's not much, but i love what the magazine stands for and will have photos published on a monthly basis--hopefully, i get the spot. they seem to really want me as they've checked my references, done a back ground check and are determined to meet up--but, it's competitive. i just want to do something different with my camera... and then friday, another meeting.

this blog feels really, uhm...journally to me. normally, i rant incoherently until i get tired of listening to my thoughts mumble on and stumble about like ozzy osbourne; tonight, i'm coherent? this is odd. oh! i watched the movie contact last night! what a freakin good movie. i didn't expect it to be like that, and i even almost cried...it was really good. after that, i broke down and took something to sleep. saturday night was another 5 am night, then sunday, i camped out and insomnia took over then too. it was good to sleep last night...maybe that's why i'm coherent today? hmmm. go figure.

this calls for chips and salsa. (damn...the chips are stale :( )

this whole insomnia thing is back. i shake it...then it comes back and starts shakin me.

last night, my kid got hit with it too--so her and i and the dog went on a midnight critter hunt. we found a toad the size of her hand and a fuzzy spider eating a juicy meal along with tons of other bugs and moths and imagination-inspiring ideas. tonight, it's just me. the dogs snorin and the kid is busy with a sleep over. i kept laying in bed thinking, 'any minute, i'm gonna fall asleep...' then, the minutes kept on changin and i kept on starin at 'em all lit up in red...and with each minute that passed, a new thought of failure entered my mind--so, i had to get up. my stomach was starting to hurt and i was feeling like i might throw up at any given second. i figured it was healthier to get up and do anything, rather than lay there and allow the acid to completely burn away more stomach lining.

ya know, now that i think of it...this is the first time i've been able to sit down in silence since i woke up today. today's project (and my least favorite in a week full of deep cleaning projects), was the fridge. something had been spilled in there awhile back and instead of anyone cleaning it up, it was left for me. you'd think someone had seen something but, like every crime that goes directly against the one in charge...nobody saw nothin. so, today, with the help of a metal scraper, boiling water and chemicals, it's finally cleaned up. any day that involves brown goop with dog hair and a dead gnat or two stuck in it is a good day, right? sigh. oh! i made a cake! i worked for a long time on it, and low and behold...no one even touched it. i'll bring it with this weekend when i head out of town...someone'll eat it. i did manage to squeeze lunch in and to add a few blood red streaks to my hair before having to leave for work though. then, while at work, a co-worker had her bi-weekly booty call coming over and since it was dead at dinner and i'm broke, i figured it was a sign, i should stay late. it wasn't really. no one else came in and i spent the night being made fun of for this oddity or that. then, i went to target for ice cream sundae making's for the ^^^above mentioned sleepover, caught the score of the vikings game in the car (but wished i had courage/time enough to make an impulsive stop at the bar to watch it) and arrived home with just enough energy to make myself a bowl of cottage cheese for dinner.

i'm so tired. and so empty feeling. but i can't shut down. mostly though right now...i wish i had a couch in my art room. i fell asleep sitting up in here in monday, a day after this bout of insomnia started--i won't be doing that again any time soon...my neck was in SO much pain. i might need to break down and take something tomorrow. i hate taking anything but i have to be AT work at 6 am on saturday and that's gonna suck.

tomorrow is closet deep clean day...hopefully i have the energy, because i need to keep on working on my chore chart. and the guy wants a shelf in the bathroom for his stuff. and winter is coming so i need to make room for all the scarves, mittens and skates. and my art closet should be paired down and packed away. and the kids closet needs to be sorted better. and once again, my stomach is burning. that's how fast it happens! like a finger snap and i'm ready to cry. this is stupid. and i want to wake up...but i can't even fall asleep...