wait for ME...

this last year has sucked and there's no promise of anything getting better anytime soon...

i mean...i'm here. my health is better than it has been in the recent past and that's really what ya need to keep moving on--but shit...at this point, i have no idea where i'm going. i have no answers. no security. i have no realistic knowledge to even fall back on.

i just know that with all my heart i'm trying to take what i've always wanted and make it real for my kid. i have no mentors in that field and i even fail when i think i'm doing good but i'm growing everyday and learning from myself, if no one else. i mean, i've never been one to ask for help anyway...i've been garden grown with a do-it-myself mentality, as that's how my life has shaped me. however, as a child, i despised that mentality in grown-ups...adults were all so foolish in their stubbornness.

so now, i'm supposed to just know what to do. and how to do it. and how to hold it all together--and when my strongest role-models in that area are the sitcom moms and dads of generations past, it's no wonder i always feel as if i'm failing and am never really sure how to win. i'm in this world with no road map. no how-to manual. no parents to ask for advice as to how they did it through really hard times. what they taught me was to walk away when things weren't working and, of course, they had their reasons, as everyone does, and i understand--but it sure as hell hasn't helped me now. two generations of broken families and divorce to fall back on...how am i supposed to just get it? to just feel anything but the need to find my own way, to focus on only me and to hide when things start to go bad?

the one who i need, i walk away from because that's what i do. he's the one who knows how to hold it together, and he has the keys, but i'm too retarded in my own past to get it. he has more patience for me than i've ever, in my life, seen anyone have for another person and i can't understand it. i think for the first time ever though, it's making me feel better about who i am as opposed to worse...

argh...sighfucksigh.

(that was a swear sigh. nothing peaceful or serene about it. it's kinda like sitting down to a great book with kids running and screaming all around you.)

obviously, i need to sleep now...i'm exhausted with so much.