no edit. ya get what ya get.

(nothing to do with anything...)

ok. tonight...i'm just in a bad mood. it's self-induced...shit, my whole life is self-induced, really. but do you ever do something you know you shouldn't do (possibly, maybe, something such as e-stalk), then get all uncontrollably emotional over something you shouldn't care about, let alone even KNOW about...and then just get pissed because you're an idiot, then more pissed because they're an idiot, and then delete friends from facebook, and then wish you hadn't, and then feel empowered that you did, and then just get sad for a million different reasons?

really? no? is that crazy? i need someone who gets this shit to tell me, no one's saying a damn thing. just crickets. i'm tired of being stared at. i'm stared at a lot lately, more than ever. weird stares. the kind i'm used to, but still feel the need to try to explain myself for whatever action provoked the stare in the first place, inevitably making me sound/look more insaner.

oh. ya know what else i'm in a bad mood about? that i'm not USING this effin crazy to my advantage right now! crazy and creative are incredibly interchangeable in my world. whenever i start feeling insaner than usual, i channel it through the lens of a camera and i'm back to good within a little bit...but nope. this time...i'm staying up later, drinking more coffee, eating less food and avoiding human contact with anyone outside of, well, ok, with everyone. i keep taking on more things to do so i have less time and it's all because i'm not channeling effectively. (i learned awhile ago, that if i simply channel this feeling into some sort of art i'm always good, i love my work and i feel great. if i don't channel it...i'm all over the place. i'm basically ditching my therapist for the bartender right now. though not a real bartender...a hypothetical one--just needed to clarify that one as i have yet to throw copious amounts of alcohol into this picture. well, i did this weekend but that was due to a night of card games and secret meetings with my sister, bff and a bottle of patron. it felt so incredible to laugh until i cried and my ribs hurt...but, then i really did cry once the tired caught up with me and that sucked. you're staring...look, basically, i know what works and i'm not doing it.)

anyway...it's almost midnight, as i've been writing for almost an hour, and i have a class to teach in the morning, laundry and dishes that needs to be finished, girl scout stuff that needs to be accomplished, a back lawn that needs to be mowed, plants that need tending and a sleepover that needs to be had...so, a pretty normal day as of late i guess...