just breathe...

(dixie)

(redone...i can now sleep at night.)

ya know, today, i'm just crabby. not from this weekend. because it was great. it started, on friday, with a three-mile hike with the dogs. we ventured though some pretty great, off road, areas and we conquered some pretty snowy terrain (waterproof and insulated hiking boots were a must). but, because, well, i'm tired.

okay. so. here's the deal. i gave up coffee for lent. got it. but, unintentionally, soda went with it. and therefore, all of my major caffeine sources, well, dissipated rapidly into nothingness. it's weird, but i'm not complaining. i mean, i am absolutely looking forward to my first cup of coffee but soda can stay gone.

anyway, i've also recently acquired a new dog. a big dog. a ferocious, 80 lb, pup who needs to walk and run...so, naturally, i need to walk and/or run daily. plus, i'm working at least 40 hours a week and starting my day at 5:30, when that first alarm goes off. and all of that equals a perfect storm of, well, normalcy. i get up early. i go to work. i come home and squeeze in lunch, more work/prep (photo work or an art class i'm teaching and prepping for the next day of work) and sometimes, a hike. (if the weather's too bad for the kid to ride her bike, then i go alone.) then, the kid gets home and if i haven't been out with the dogs, we go out then. then i shower, make dinner, make her lunch and snack for the next day, help her with homework, take care of any housework that needs to get done (laundry, dishes, etc...), prep clothes for the morning for myself and the kid, get her to bed and then, well...then, i'm too tired to walk and it's usually 8 or 8:30 at this point. and that's all a regular night. some nights there's girl scouts or a parent/teacher conference or a school event or a work meeting/class that i need to attend...it's ridiculous. and i'm tired. and on top of being tired, i'm feeling guilty because i don't see the man at all. my day is ending when he is getting home...and i don't have the energy to chat or hang out or watch a tv show or movie. plus, to get eight hours of sleep, i need to be asleep by 9:30. (without caffeine, my body naturally just get tired...it's strangely nice.) the time from when my kid went to bed until midnight, or so, used to be the time i did stuff though...like, returned emails, updated my website, chatted with friends, hung out with the guy, etc...and now? now, i just sleep. so yeah. it makes me crabby. my days are packed solid with not an ounce of time for myself. and i feel, well, normal. and i'm so terribly bad at feeling normal. my camera has been put down. coffee is gone. (granted hiking boots are on and big dog has been found.) any, and all, time to write, read and chat is out the window. i kinda feel like a shell. but i'm swimming...not drowning and that's good. i spose.

okay...i'm done complaining about being normal. i shouldn't complain about this because things ARE good, amazing in fact. but it's a difficult adjustment in my head to feel so naked in front of myself, lacking the things that complete my personality but being covered, so fully, with everything else.

she bangs, she bangs, oh baby when she moves, she moves

(i hate this pic. it needs to be re-done...)

winter storm warning tonight. wind. rain. sleet. some other random frozen stuff falling from the sky. snow. the whole shebang. (the kid says it sounds like a baseball game. the wind whistling is the cheering and the ice pellets on her window is the clapping. i have to say i agree.) we made the evening better with amy winehouse, makin and bakin cookies and a trying out a new salmon burger recipe.

and now...9:30 at night, the first chance i've had and relax since, well, last night...is met with trailer park boys, season 5 and one giant, codependent, pup who likes to cuddle as much as i do. (as well as a baseball game happening right outside my window.)

bah humbug. or somethin.

(coffee is still out...though i slipped up. i thought when i was getting sick it was coffee withdrawal. turns out, after puking it right back up...it wasn't. i was just getting sick...)

all right. so. on the same note as yesterday's color spasm...i listened to the radio today! i turned off MPR and i listened to actual, cheerful, colorful, dancy, happy, radio! and all i have to say is, WTH!?

okay. i know. i know. i know. i sound old. and i sound cliche. and i sound like everyone who thinks they know (or wants to sound like they know) anything about music. but srsly. it's stupid. (lady gaga, you're excluded from this rant because,well, born this way makes me sing express yourself, and well, ya can't go wrong when singing express yourself or copying madonna.) (also, i'm not sure if that was a slam or praise either...i do have to say, i quite fancy your music and have ever since that beautiful fame album ended up in my clammy little hands, and consequently got played until i knew every word, backwards and forwards and even slightly sideways, i have adored you.)

anyway. the problem (aka: reality) lies within the fact that there are nearly 7 billion people currently on this planet. humans have been making music since, well, since they were born as a species...? and it's all been done. (bare naked ladies sang that...) and yeah. maybe when you turn thirty, ke$ha becomes completely unoriginal (yet still damn catchy), (and also, why does ke$ha enter my blog so often?) and i swear, everything 'new' i'm hearing out of SXSW sounds like something the Stones already did, but damn. and hipsters are just recycled hippies. and if people woulda listened to hippies, our world would be in much better shape. though with that logic, i am NOT implying anyone should ever listen to a thing hipsters say. and i swear...it's four o'clock, on monday, i'm sober. why can't my brain be quiet??

i'm gonna go eat more soup. and drink my tea. and wonder why every show is 'reality' even though anyone with half a brain could see that there's no 'reality' to any of the conversations that happen a 'reality' show.

and i'm gonna stop writing. i sound like an old man. not a nice one though, a crabby old mean one who's pissed that your ball went in his yard.

singin' in the rain...till i step in a turd

(yeah. dixie might be a bad idea...but bad idea is my middle name...)

woke up today, stomach sore from yesterday's bout of sickness, though feelin on the upswing now. think i may eat something more than toast today. at the moment, there's five big dudes passed out in various places in my house; so, this morning, this beautifully, rainy morning, has been spent working in my office. got emails answered, got more to go, got cards to send out and am waitin' for the kid and the new addition to the family to burst through the door. (the kid's been out due to me not being able to hold down a popsicle and the new addition, an 80 lb weimaraner.)

i gotta say, this weather works wonders for my soul. the cloudiness and dreariness. it's amazing and inspiring and i want to go outside, onto a little dirt road, with a beautiful umbrella, an old suitcase (packed full of treasures), my yellow raincoat and polka dot rain boots, steamy cup of coffee and my camera and just stand there. and i want you there to take photos. and then i want to hit the city, ya know, that one little coffee shop i adore, with my laptop and i want to edit the photos and chat about stupid stuff and stare out the windows at druggies and homeless people and laugh at hipsters, (yet secretly know i'm gonna copy that outfit the one girl is wearing just as soon as i can), and laugh at us for kinda being like them but then quickly listing all the reasons we're not. and then i wanna eat a big cookie with m&m's, as i get my third cup of coffee for the day.

oh! wait! i see a pattern up there. color! i see color! it's beautiful! from umbrella's to m&m's...it's all in color and that's an amazing thing after all this winter blah and snow and cold. this winter's been a bit extreme and my lack of creativity has been mirroring that, spittingly. (though i do believe i say this every year. and judging from the annual gap in my hard drives for the entire month of february--christmas and new years keep january alive--through march, i feel like i'm normal, or somethin.)

regardless. color. color is awesome. and it's coming through again. in fm stereo with an antennae. loud and clear.

and now, i need to pick up poop in my yard.

40 days and 40 nights

(last week's sherlock holmes night was paired with really good bread and absinthe. though, after one tiny sip, i decided to never drink it again.)

(saturday night was games and taco's with the future in-laws. it's a good thing he thinks i'm cute when i drink too much...)

i got lots on my mind and feelin' like i got no outlet. feelin' like i have no window to see outta, no vent to yell outta. tired of hearin' myself talkin' and gettin' nothin' but my echo in response. tired of the swirling questions in my mind combined with the lack of time...

aargh.

i don't know what's going on with me...i swear though, it happens this time of year, every year. and, in fact, at the end of almost every season...i just get bored and frustrated. i get mad at myself for not doing more and not doing enough and all that crap. i can't wait to someday shake this...or, at least figure out how to deal/ignore with/it.

on a completely separate note...i gave up coffee for lent. anyone who knows me knows i have a habit. i need to have a cup with me, at all times. it can be day old and cold (i don't add cream or sugar so it's not gross. i swear.) some nights, i'll have no clothes picked out for the next day or food ready or even my kid packed up for school...but i will have the coffee maker all prepped and ready to go. i mentioned giving up wine but my guy and roomie both yelled, 'no!' at the same time. apparently, friday night, is the one night of the week i'm nice and social...

as easy as 1,2,3, do-re-me, ABC, baby you and me girl...

(she is just wonderful :) )

argh. i'm gonna post some nonsensical ramblings just so that last entry isn't the first entry on my blog anymore.

earlier today, the guy and i got matching hiking boots! i am so excited about this for some strange reason. and him being the romantic he is, replied with, 'sweet. now, when i knock ya up, i can walk super far away and your feet will stay comfortable as you get fat.' it was so sweet i almost melted. and ya know, some might have been offended but, well, if i was offended by everything he said, i would be slightly bitter by this point. being me though, i'm 100% optimistic that these boots will be used for hiking and not just for looking super cute with a skirt (on my end). though yes, they will look adorable with a skirt as well.

currently, i am watching tin man. it's sci fi's answer to the wizard of oz and it's amazing. it's a three part mini-series which is perfect for me and my lack of ability to commit to anything to incredibly long term. (i actually did just stop it so i could focus on writing. when it was on, i kept zoning out and this blog was really important to me to get up.)

also currently (for tomorrow), i'm researching what kind of foods londoners ate in the late 1800's. see, the guy and i have movie nights. we take turns picking a movie that we want to see, or want to share, make dinner together and devote the whole night to the movie and dinner. i thought it'd be kinda cool to pair the dinner menu with the chosen movie. tomorrow, the young sherlock holmes was picked. crap. looks like bacon, bread, butter, potatoes and peanut brittle...maybe? i'm gonna keep searching because, well...yeah, i'd like a few more choices too. the last movie was mongol, but we made shrimp...it was delicious, but i think the menu/movie challenge will be fun.

okay. those were three positives. they're easy, everyday positives that feel good. like deep down good. oh! a fourth positive. my awesome kid had her art expo tonight! she entered a photo that she took, and edited, of her dog. we spent two and a half hours at the expo and caught live performances, had great conversations with friends and each other and saw lots of uber creative projects! this was her first attempt at a photo assignment and she did great. her first photo shoot was adorable too...i even let her use my big camera.

okay...i'm gonna run. gotta get up soon. oh! and a fifth positive...tomorrow is friday! i'm so hopeful that i'm gonna leave work early that i'm bringing my photo gear and will be taking the long way home :) if not, oh well...it's still friday.

to: all four of you

all right. check one, two...here i go...
(no photo to accompany. i don't wanna waste something i love on something so ugly.)

i hate mentally unstable people. yes. that's right. i hate something and someone. and, i do, rightfully so. because they are the people who hurt you, just to hurt you, and then blame you and twist it and won't even think that you should be mad because well, they blame you.

and then there's me. the kind of person who can't shake it. and i internalize it. and i blame myself. (and i get that i tend to be a little crazy too. just read this blog from start to finish, for instance. but there's a major difference between the kind of crazy that makes up words and randomly wants to paint murals on walls and the kind of crazy like i'm referring to here...)

these people are the ones who are so hurt by everyone. they're the ones who always come to work, to school, to facebook, to chat, with a new, 'omg. i can't believe what this person did to ME' story. they're the person who is always the victim. they're the person who has new drama and when they have no new drama, they feed off anything you talk about and then talk to the next person about it. they're the people who are always there when you're having a rough time, even when you haven't spoken in forever and when things are going good, they're the first to bring you down or just magically disappear (life always just gets really busy for them at those times). they're the people who have had really shitty lives and upbringings and are, or are supposed to be, on meds (but aren't anymore because they say they're okay), and by all psychological terms have a lot goin' on. but they're the same people who can effortlessly make it feel like it's you; like it's all you.

i hate myself for being susceptible to them and their disease. like a moron, a stupid, fucking, happy, puppy...i wag my retarded tail over and over when they're around. i try extra hard to find friendship with these people and i allow myself to get sucked in. i get so desperate for their approval and to only keep them happy that i throw myself into these people's lives and i try to be friends and be happy and swallow all they throw at me just to keep the peace.

tonight, i lost it. like, i seriously lost it. i snapped on a chick who, responding off of second hand info, got really crabby with me. and i started nicely...i reminded her that i DID talk to HER about the same thing and i reiterated the fact that i had a hard time with schedules/plans/technology/etc...and i told her i did what was convenient for me. and then she responded with a 'fine, whatever' comment and said that there was too much drama. that's when it happened. i lost it. too much drama? (this chick is insane. from her mom leaving her alone as a child, so she could go to the bar, to her wanting to screw other people, divorcing her husband and leaving her child to him...it's been a mess from the start. i think her facebook photos sum up her life well. the most current photo of her son, taken in november mixed in with hundreds of photos of her partying, drinking, new boyfriend and vacations.)

i called her out for screwing up her family (i know it's a sore spot :( ), i mentioned how badly she messed up her own life, how she can't keep her shit together; i told her to go fuck herself, i called her a hot headed bitch and a stupid whore and i wished her and her 'family' luck in the future. and then i blocked her on everything i could. then she emailed me on my personal email saying equally nasty things and told me to stay away from her and her family. (i never see them...ever. nor do i care to.) i basically laughed it off, said, 'oh the family YOU messed up...gladly.' and then i blocked her there too. i blind copied my two bff's into it ALL so i didn't have to explain anything later...they both thought this whole thing was awesome, btw. (i'm sure half because i don't ever freak like that--used to, out of desperation with these kind of people, but then realized they STILL don't see how crazy they make you and you just get really upset--and half because they've been telling me she's crazy all along.)

i know this has been a long time coming but i am so mad at myself for even sinking to this level. i gave into anger. i gave into letting anger overtake me and making my head spin. i gave into petty drama with people i don't even care about, because i was angry. i said nasty things (though i'm still too upset to regret them). and also, this opened up a whole lot of old wounds that are way fresher and sorer than previously thought.

part of me though, i do have to say, is kinda proud of me. i have been so conditioned, through major relationships in my life, to accept this kind of treatment. and yeah, i have freaked before but like i said, it's when i honestly can't take the bullshit anymore and no one listens. when i can't take being bailed on, can't take being subtly put down, can't take being told i need to deal with it, can't take the needless drama, can't take the constant poor me rhetoric, can't take the depressive tone...it's just when i can't do it anymore that i freak.

ya know...me yelling like this wasn't just me yelling at her, it was me yelling at her, plus three other people in my life equally.

i can't be your level of messed up. your level of depressive. your level of pretending it's normal to be miserable. your level of selfishness. i don't believe i'm above anyone, or anything...but i do believe i'm a million times better than how you think i deserve to live.

my life, after screaming at her, feels like mine. and you, you slimy fuckhead, are gone for good. if i ever see you again, anywhere near my life...it'll be way too soon. all the lies that i was to stupid to not believe. and you, you're just a loser pot head who is so far from anything i'll ever be again. and you...you're just someone who should have been there so much more to me, but disappointed me so many times it stopped hurting nearly a decade ago.

time to pave my own way...

it's about damn time...