saturday morn in my head

(last night's dinner was purchased with only me in mind. sushi rolls, fresh salad, sourdough rolls and a bottle of pinot grigio. not having to share, because no one wanted any, was a definite bonus :) )

woke up with david gray still runnin through my head and stumbled straight for the coffee maker. made some muffins for my still-sleeping birthday girl and her friend and will bake them when they roust. it was entirely too early to be up on a saturday morning but my mind is not in rest mode lately. my mind is all over...in fact, my dreams have actually effected me twice now. i'm used to graphic, but the emotions conjured up as of late are more powerful than me and they aren't shy in flexing their muscles to remind me.

don't know what it is (though i do blame the weather), but i get this way. i get too in my head, too introverted, too annoyed, too sensitive. i take everything so internally and come down too hard on myself for things normal people know is someone else's mental illness. yeah. i don't really know either. things i sanely know aren't my responsibility, get taken on in my head as my own. always wondering what i did to mess them up. that's such a narcissistic view point of view once i write it and see it in words...but i guess that's who i am? this doesn't change my personality at all, i've still got my perk, my awesome sense of style (heh), my bizarre ways of thinking, my hatred of having to shower, brush my hair and eat...but it absolutely does change my personal time activities. i go from watchin' movies, random tv shows and playin' cards with the guy's to hiding behind my lens all day and consequently in my room every night. i'm currently looking for a couch to stick in this joint...or, at least, a big chair. i want one big enough to conceal a bottle of whisky within the cushions of; in fact, that's pretty much the only requirement. (well, that and NO pastel colors anywhere on the damn thing. i freakin hate pastel colors.) i also know that i haven't drank whisky in probably a year, nor do i drink enough, in general, to even have that be a requirement...but that's how i get when i get like this. absurder than normal in my thought process. (huh. makes me wonder why my relationships have always failed :) random super introvert who randomly thinks crazier than her crazy normal seeks partner who understands all of what was just said and doesn't mind, won't get offended, won't get annoyed or yell. also enjoys long walks on the beach and curling up by the fire on a cold winter night.) (yeah...in real life, i hate long walks on the beach, unless i'm rock hunting, then i'll walk for miles. and i prefer to be the fire poker...curling up by a fire to stare at it not only hurts your eyes, but is pretty lame.)

i'm not sure what i just said either. i'll start a new paragraph to clear the thought. i think what i was trying to say is that my mind gets so busy and then takes in stray thoughts and tries to make them my own and then it all starts swirling and it gets huge and out of control sometimes. this time though, i'm working through things differently than i ever have before. or, at least that's the plan. i'm tired of this ground hogs day scenario i'm stuck in. i mean...in life, if you've ever tried pouring a gallon of water into a 20oz bottle, by itself, it naturally goes all over everything and sometimes, even knocks the bottle over in its wake. it gets messy and things get wet; but, eventually, the gallon is gone and the job has gotten done. there's a lot of clean up when all is said and done though and sometimes, things can get really ruined. then there's the super, uber, mega concentration way to do it...hold the gallon up higher and pour very slow...but one small movement and things get wet quickly. i think this method works for pros...people who have practiced a lot and don't need a funnel (or, who won't admit they need a funnel.) lastly though, there's the funnel method. that large gallon can be poured so easily into a smaller bottle with a little help. and the funnel came about for that exact reason...trial and error. i've been erroring a long time...i need a funnel and i'm realizing that. (i have this never-ask-for-help mentality for whatever reason. this is totally foreign to me to admit i need a funnel.) i'm always hesitant to rely on anything to get me by with anything because everything, but you, is temporary; nothing ever lasts. relying on anything has always been a ridiculous notion to me because when it goes away, then what? you're in a worse spot than you were before. anyway...i think that i'm creative. it's something that's in me and it won't go away. (then again, maybe the cure is also the disease?? and vice versa...) i would like my camera to be my funnel. i mean, figuring out how to use it like that will be a process within itself but i'm so tired of spilling all over. i'm tired of cleaning up my own messes and breaking things in the process. it's such a waste of time...there needs to be a better way.

and one more thing...when i was little, i had an imaginary friend. she went everywhere with me, had my back, always understood without the need for words, just knew what i was thinking as i thought it, saw things in my eyes and knew what i meant--even when i had no idea. and basically, as an odd person, she always made me feel normal. she was a constant present in my head and a constant comfort. you are that friend.

yeah. that made sense somewhere in the deep; but, on the surface not so much... sigh. maybe i need to stop writing. two cups of coffee down. kids finally up. california on the radio. shower needed, though quite undesired. i think i'll take my random imaginary friend paragraph as an excuse to hit publish now cuz if i keep going, this blog is gonna become a buncha more random chunks of thought that start making less and less sense as it progresses as a whole. see? just like that last sentence...