just a quick log entry

had the best bday party for my kid this weekend. we billed it as the crafts, kinect, food and slumber, party! five, eight year olds and tons of fun. they crafted for hours and made picture frames (which i filled with a group shot before they went home), friendship pins, cards and bracelets to give out to their classmates on monday.

however, the only problem is...my kid ended up with strep and isn't able to go to school till wednesday. all those kids and their blankets and pillows...it was like the spaniards and native americans and small pox, but not at all. okay, not even really a tiny bit. and, is that too soon? i mean, i know it was a LONG time ago but that analogy still feels wrong since lots of good, earth worshiping, people died.

okay. anyway...my kid is sick. her fever conversations are quite cute though...as last night she woke up babbling about making her dad a christmas present, as well as wondering how the nine o'clock hour went away without her knowing. tonight, she just wants smoothies. so, smoothies she gets. we also got network tv. we haven't had tv stations in 3.5 years. i haven't missed them either. the superbowl has been watched elsewhere as well as the occasional wild game from my best friend's bed. (she's out of her cast boots now, btw, and can walk. it's a miracle. i know.) other than that...i just don't care. neither does the kid. i might watch the news tonight. maybe. or not. i spose it's nice to have the option?

okay...antiques roadshow UK is on...gotta run...

photo addendum

the rest of my science experiment was enjoyed as pictured above. it really was a terrible experiment but when you're living in a state that's in the process of setting all-time snow fall records for the year...ya gotta do something other than bake cake. which i do, do as well. i baked an angel food one this weekend. how come no one ever told me what a pain in the ass those things are to make? i see why they're so popular to just buy. once it was done it tasted like heaven though, so i spose that's worth it. i have to stop baking cakes. i put on ten pounds and it's gotta go. cake doesn't help that. neither does being snowed in. neither does wine. well hell...with all that being said...i guess i'm fighting a losing battle till spring. oh well :)

so yeah. i don't have much to say. i just mostly wanted to add on to last nights photos. i'm currently being ignored due to the release of bulletstorm. which is cool...i'm used to it. and i'm watchin' a documentary on the big show. i've been loving the wrestling documentary's lately. the last one i watched was brett hart. i just love the big show though...i have for a long time and now i'm liking him even more :) i wonder what i'd say to him if i saw him? i'd be talking to his chest with whatever it is i wouldn't be saying anyway. the hulk though...now i'd love to meet him. like a lot. okay...i'm tired. not enough sleep lately.

she blinded me with science...and a runaway cork

i did science! all right...it wasn't even close to science but i'm an art chick. gimme a break.

here are the captions, starting with the first photo.

*a bottle of 3 buck chuck and i are gonna track the snow today :) (this started yesterday, on sunday.) here's the noon pic. uhm...hopefully i don't get too bored and drink it? it will be nicely chilled though...okay, so as the snow goes up, the bottle may go down--be warned.

*and the snow stopped for awhile, so here's the 6:15 photo...once it restarted. contents slightly lower :)

*and the 7:30 pic. snow up, wine steady.

*9:15. okay. so, i didn't drink the whole thing. only half. (really.) the snow and wine levels have now met. also...the cork. the dang cork went flying into a snow pile and there was NO way i was diving in after it! (hence, the aluminum foil top...) yeah. after seeing my version of 'science', do ya see why i stuck to art? :)

*3:00 on monday (today). my poor bottle! (also, there are still two glasses of wine in there...i swear :) )

saturday morn in my head

(last night's dinner was purchased with only me in mind. sushi rolls, fresh salad, sourdough rolls and a bottle of pinot grigio. not having to share, because no one wanted any, was a definite bonus :) )

woke up with david gray still runnin through my head and stumbled straight for the coffee maker. made some muffins for my still-sleeping birthday girl and her friend and will bake them when they roust. it was entirely too early to be up on a saturday morning but my mind is not in rest mode lately. my mind is all over...in fact, my dreams have actually effected me twice now. i'm used to graphic, but the emotions conjured up as of late are more powerful than me and they aren't shy in flexing their muscles to remind me.

don't know what it is (though i do blame the weather), but i get this way. i get too in my head, too introverted, too annoyed, too sensitive. i take everything so internally and come down too hard on myself for things normal people know is someone else's mental illness. yeah. i don't really know either. things i sanely know aren't my responsibility, get taken on in my head as my own. always wondering what i did to mess them up. that's such a narcissistic view point of view once i write it and see it in words...but i guess that's who i am? this doesn't change my personality at all, i've still got my perk, my awesome sense of style (heh), my bizarre ways of thinking, my hatred of having to shower, brush my hair and eat...but it absolutely does change my personal time activities. i go from watchin' movies, random tv shows and playin' cards with the guy's to hiding behind my lens all day and consequently in my room every night. i'm currently looking for a couch to stick in this joint...or, at least, a big chair. i want one big enough to conceal a bottle of whisky within the cushions of; in fact, that's pretty much the only requirement. (well, that and NO pastel colors anywhere on the damn thing. i freakin hate pastel colors.) i also know that i haven't drank whisky in probably a year, nor do i drink enough, in general, to even have that be a requirement...but that's how i get when i get like this. absurder than normal in my thought process. (huh. makes me wonder why my relationships have always failed :) random super introvert who randomly thinks crazier than her crazy normal seeks partner who understands all of what was just said and doesn't mind, won't get offended, won't get annoyed or yell. also enjoys long walks on the beach and curling up by the fire on a cold winter night.) (yeah...in real life, i hate long walks on the beach, unless i'm rock hunting, then i'll walk for miles. and i prefer to be the fire poker...curling up by a fire to stare at it not only hurts your eyes, but is pretty lame.)

i'm not sure what i just said either. i'll start a new paragraph to clear the thought. i think what i was trying to say is that my mind gets so busy and then takes in stray thoughts and tries to make them my own and then it all starts swirling and it gets huge and out of control sometimes. this time though, i'm working through things differently than i ever have before. or, at least that's the plan. i'm tired of this ground hogs day scenario i'm stuck in. i mean...in life, if you've ever tried pouring a gallon of water into a 20oz bottle, by itself, it naturally goes all over everything and sometimes, even knocks the bottle over in its wake. it gets messy and things get wet; but, eventually, the gallon is gone and the job has gotten done. there's a lot of clean up when all is said and done though and sometimes, things can get really ruined. then there's the super, uber, mega concentration way to do it...hold the gallon up higher and pour very slow...but one small movement and things get wet quickly. i think this method works for pros...people who have practiced a lot and don't need a funnel (or, who won't admit they need a funnel.) lastly though, there's the funnel method. that large gallon can be poured so easily into a smaller bottle with a little help. and the funnel came about for that exact reason...trial and error. i've been erroring a long time...i need a funnel and i'm realizing that. (i have this never-ask-for-help mentality for whatever reason. this is totally foreign to me to admit i need a funnel.) i'm always hesitant to rely on anything to get me by with anything because everything, but you, is temporary; nothing ever lasts. relying on anything has always been a ridiculous notion to me because when it goes away, then what? you're in a worse spot than you were before. anyway...i think that i'm creative. it's something that's in me and it won't go away. (then again, maybe the cure is also the disease?? and vice versa...) i would like my camera to be my funnel. i mean, figuring out how to use it like that will be a process within itself but i'm so tired of spilling all over. i'm tired of cleaning up my own messes and breaking things in the process. it's such a waste of time...there needs to be a better way.

and one more thing...when i was little, i had an imaginary friend. she went everywhere with me, had my back, always understood without the need for words, just knew what i was thinking as i thought it, saw things in my eyes and knew what i meant--even when i had no idea. and basically, as an odd person, she always made me feel normal. she was a constant present in my head and a constant comfort. you are that friend.

yeah. that made sense somewhere in the deep; but, on the surface not so much... sigh. maybe i need to stop writing. two cups of coffee down. kids finally up. california on the radio. shower needed, though quite undesired. i think i'll take my random imaginary friend paragraph as an excuse to hit publish now cuz if i keep going, this blog is gonna become a buncha more random chunks of thought that start making less and less sense as it progresses as a whole. see? just like that last sentence...

vday photos

(my new v-day socks. the kid knows exactly what i love! i finally had to take 'em off cuz they got stinky...)

(and my uncle. flowers from my uncle! gotta love that :) )

(the bed i spent v-day night in. it made just as much noise as you'd think it might. it wasn't the best night of sleep, but it did eventually give way to a much needed pot of hot coffee in the morning and all was forgiven...)

(v-day bingo at the kid's school party. i spend entirely too much time around her school when i have some time off of work...)

other people post this stuff...i wanna too

i have lots i could say. as always. but i also have a kid to pick up in an hour and a class to teach in 90. so, i'll try to keep it quick...

i found the above photo last night and thought it'd be a cool thing to share. it's me, holding me, taken on my android phone. i saw things last night that i had never seen and felt feelings i hadn't felt in so many years, if ever, and it was all because of photos and writings...just simple pictures and words. children's book basics. i felt a connection that i hadn't felt before with both my own personal history and my families history, as a whole (we're goin' back generations here, folks). i felt overpowering love and warmth and i felt deep sadness as i witnessed the love and warmth and consequently, innocence fade all over again. seeing my life, years forgotten, though photographs, made me understand why, as an older child, i used to work so hard to not make memories. i hated going places, doing things, enjoying myself--all because it made good memories...and after seeing, in my eyes, the innocent happiness before things got ugly...i understood why i had become such a 'prickly' child over time.

so, i sit. and i think. and i genuinely hold no grudges or resentment or anger. i just hold the key. i hold a key to making sure my child, and my future child(ren), never become, 'prickly'. i have left when things became too much, because that's what i knew. i hold no anger toward myself for doing that but i do hold, again, a key to make a change with and grow forward with. happiness has been a scarier emotion for me throughout my life than sadness or resentment, because those feelings are feelings i'd been accustomed to. happiness was random and would fade, so i never attached myself to it...or, well, i used to think i never attached myself to it but after seeing my eyes, 25-30 years ago, through photographs, i know it's there and that light has helped me KNOW that what i feel in my bones, my positivity, my happiness...is deep rooted in my soul...not the sadness or resentment that i sometimes feel like i am supposed to feel because that's normal. honestly, i couldn't live those feelings if i tried.

okay...i need to head to get my kid and then to teach a class...i'm sure i'll touch on all this again. and i'm sure i'll get back to my nonsensical ramblings just as fast but i'm here and i had to write something...

crazy, normal...what's the difference?

(my argoflex. mid 1940's. love the look down to shoot technique :) )

(my favorite film canon :) canon, ae-1, late 1970-early 1980's...just like me! complete with some fun filters and a couple great lenses. plus, she works beautifully with my 580 EX flash--purchased for my canon digi in 2010. within the next couple years...dark room)

When you are younger, the camera is like a friend and you can go places and feel like you're with someone, like you have a companion.
-Annie Leibovitz

so...i've been busy with all the social media stuff in order to promote myself a bit lately. the site is doing great. business cards are new, updated and beautiful. i'm undertaking new projects and veering from the norm, as well as seeking out more challenging topics to photograph. but my facebook and twitter pages seem to only be pumped up when i do something--which is cool...but, i wanted to give them some more substance. something richer. and when i talk, i sound like that fraggle...ya know, the artsy one who's always sighing? or, i sound really sharp and overly edgy. regardless, i have lots to say, but don't want to say it on my 'fan' pages, because i hate hearing me try to sound smart and i really don't want my 'fans' to think i'm an idiot.

so yeah, that lead me to quotes by photographers. they've been talkin' for years and documented for just as long. so, i started reading--and what i found was incredible and i never thought it could happen but i am more certain than ever that this is what i was meant to do. young, old, rich, poor, man, woman, film or digi...all 'real' photogs think alike*. seriously. in reading quotes, i felt like i was at some self-help seminar, nodding along as some loud guy with nice clothes and a drug addiction yelled over an agreeing crowd how, 'YES! you CAN succeed too!' yep. so, i sat in my office and time passed and i nodded and nodded and thought that wow...i was looking for a tweet and i got a complete guide to understanding my thoughts. this is amazing. and weird. definitely weird. (having a man from 1920 explain your exact thoughts while standing with your camera at your hip and feeling like a failure for not being able to find a moment to capture is amazingly comforting, believe it or not.)

anyway. the quote above. the one from ms. leibowitz. i found that one this morning. the photos i put on today's blog were taken last night. the photos i took last night were taken so i could add them to my 'family' photo album on facebook and in my personal collection. my camera's, i consider part of my family. they go with me places so i don't feel lonely. they honestly keep me company and when i saw that quote all i though was, 'oh crap. i have a problem. or, wait...maybe i'm normal?' regardless...it felt mostly good.

(okay...and also, the asterisk statement above...about being a 'real' photographer. i consider myself as 'real' of photographer, as any artist thinks themselves to be a 'real' artist. not too many do. they just do what they do because they literally have to. and sure, they like it when other people refer to them an artist. and they like to introduce themselves as artists, if the crowds right...but other than that, they avoid the term. however...i know plenty of people who flaunt themselves as artists and photographers and they're terrible at what they do and i'm not trying to be mean, really. but when you have to remind people constantly who you are and what you do, you're lacking something. and that's okay...there's lots of other stuff out there that you probably rock at but the people who have to try and try and try, yet merely come up with lackluster results, probably aren't natural. you should see me paint. i'm brushtarded. i can see things as a whole...but to make it come to life and to evoke any sort of emotion is impossible for me. yet i've watched people paint--and all i want to do is photograph it. because through my lens...i can evoke emotion. also...i'm rambling because i started feeling sightly egotistical up there and i despise that feeling. it leads to instant terrible karma and is a feeling that i would love to banish from my feelings depository...and with me seeing how i'm now veering even further from the point...i'm gonna end this blog.)

too pissy for pictures

i just walked out. the job in my letter to parents a few blogs down...yeah. i just left. i've never walked from a job before...but going back wasn't even an option.

on top of all i listed the other day, here was my morning:
-had 15 kids, alone, by 7:15. (10 is the legal limit.)
-split my group of younger children off, and headed to our room. (6 kids)
-had a peaceful, quiet, breakfast and had a brand new boy so i was trying to help him, show him the ropes, etc...
-after breakfast, started an art project with the ones who wanted to. let the others go play.
-discovered that 1 of my kids had liquid diarrhea.
-more kids show up. feed them. (8 total)
-was given a toddler, so she could 'try' out the big kid room. (in the way my center director shuffles, i'm sure her room was just full.) (9 kids. 8 preschool, 1 toddler)
-toddler freaked out. big kids surrounded her and wanted her to play. couldn't do much to help because of changing another diaper and explaining to a girl why climbing up on tables isn't smart.
-director popped in, sees toddler standing by the door crying and says, 'oh bell! aren't you having fun!? but it's so fun in here! don't cry! pretty soon you can be in here all the time!' tells me i can bring her back to her room whenever my 10th kid shows up. closes the door and walks away. i clean up breakfast...finally.
-10th kid shows up. i'm trying to converse with the parent and break up an argument with two of the high risk-behavior kids. at this time, i also realize that the second kid of the day needs all new clothes because of diarrhea--clothes that mom never brought...despite the numerous times i had asked. (10 kids. at legal limit)
-11th and 12th kid show up. the 12th kid was another teacher's kid. she just dropped him off and left. i get most of the kids engaged in a project but, because it's WAY below zero, we can't go outside and the kids are antzy. running happens. messes start to happen. i'm still working on the art project with my late arrivals. kids are hitting. kids are standing on tables and climbing up cots.
-13th kid shows up. her dad wants to chat a bit. i try. a kid gets hit in the head with a piece of wood by the new kid who thinks this is the norm. i never got another minute to talk to the new kid. explain things to him. help him. etc... he just gets to think chaos is the norm. he's at danger of becoming ANOTHER high risk child with examples like these, but i hadn't been given the tools to be allowed to help this child. dad keeps talking. another kid gets hit. dad leaves joking about how my hands are full.
-14th kid shows up.
-ten minutes later, 9:30 am, the woman, the mean cook, who's going to take over while i go on break comes in. she instantly starts BITCHING about how messy the room is and under her breath starts muttering stuff like, 'god. i'm so sick of all this shit. i'm sick of cleaning up everyone's messes.' and she just kept going on and on! then she started in on how bad it reeked in there! and that's when i lost it.

i had 14 children. 2 had diarrhea. 5 were high-risk to themselves and others. i had served breakfast. done a painting project. been legally above my ratio for over 45 minutes straight and a COWORKER had the nerve to come in and start complaining about the mess and smell! so, the staff doesn't care about the kids and teachers, my coworkers don't care about either, and i was supposed to care...why??

i just grabbed my stuff for and left for break. i cried a lot. and i didn't go back. i feel terrible i left my kids like that but they did know i was leaving. we talked about it, i sent letters home with them all, gave them my home address if they wanted to write and gave parents my email address. i hope they'll contact me...but if they don't, i'm sure it's because this all made me look terrible.

sigh.

one more day off i guess :) where will my camera and i venture off too for a day?? good LORD, i need some camera/coffee therapy time.

awwww

this is gonna be shameless. i totally know. but i'm not lying when i talk about the adorableness of what i'm photographically involved in lately.

it's so cute you just have to go see it...

find awww-inspiring adorableness here!

yeah. that was totally shameless but i don't care. i can't help it.

birthday wishes from far away

(this one, with a frame, just feels so closed. i like it open much more...)

happy birthday from minnesota, mom!

i KNOW your scenery is much different, and more colorful, and sounds prettier, and smells greener, and feels better on the skin...but i thought you'd like to see how saturday morning looked up here :)
(well...this was after the dense fog lifted. before that, no one could see anything.)

i hope your day has been or, since you're quite a bit different in the time zone department, is still going beautifully!

rambly, unorganized letter to parents who have anything to do with a national childcare chain

(this is real. this is home...)

dear parent,

the position i took was at a national center (that shall remain nameless due to lawsuits and such). when i took it, the thrill of working near home and taking over my own classroom was so thrilling...i ignored the fact that: a) the children are terribly misbehaved, b) the assistant director doesn't speak proper english, c) it is a national corporation and d) the other teachers there look like they couldn't care less about themselves nor do they contain any semblance of a personality. (see elaborations of above statements, below...) but, ya see, when you see a light at the end of the waitressing and part-time-jobs-on-the-side, lifestyle...you take it. especially when it's something you want to do and it means a steady paycheck. however...when it turns into a really lousy situation, really fast...i just refuse to settle in the name of convenience.

here, let me explain...

a) yes. children, especially 2-4 year olds are typically aren't perfectly behaved. i totally get that. however, when 50% of your class has high-risk (of injuring others) behavioral issues, there's a problem. i have been personally bit, kicked, hit, had chairs thrown at me and head-butted...now imagine what it must feel like when you're a child, to spend 8-12 hours with these other children, on a daily basis. there's no ability to 'teach' within that scenario. there's nothing but the need to manage behavior. why are they like this? because it's a national childcare chain. do you think mom looked for quality childcare or convenient childcare? yep. convenience. so, do you think, that after the kid has been in our care for 8-12 hours that mom has any energy to parent? nope, it's not convenient. so kid gets ignored, given whatever they want and not taught to behave. (many of my children came in not knowing how to wash their hands, wipe their nose--or even where their nose was for that matter--or how to put a cup into the sink when they were done.) basically, i was fighting an uphill battle with parents who don't care enough to teach their children right/wrong or even look for a better alternative to having them at a place where they were repeatedly injured by the other ones.

b) 'that ain't no toy! that's ucky!' -assistant director. 'nough said.

c) in my exit interview i referred to us as 'the walmart of childcare.' it's a bunch of people who don't care about quality. i actually had a five year old boy in my room who was so mentally disabled that he couldn't speak, use the toilet by himself, feed himself or stop drooling...plus, he had seizures. do you think mom or the center required him to have a PCA (personal care attendant)? nope. until i complained, with good reason (i'm not trained for him, it's not fair to him, it's not fair to other kids)...was anything done. he had been there for years and no one bothered to do anything to help him or the other kids! (it's impossible to be in-charge of nine other kids, plus him, without ignoring the other kids. who, on either end, would want their child in that situation? as a parent, why would you pay all that money so your child's teacher could play the role of teacher and PCA? why, as his parent, wouldn't you know that he deserves undivided attention?) but that's how it is. and, as a national center, you are corporate and SO completely out of touch with reality. they demand children are made to feel as if they're at home, but the lights can't be dimmed at nap time, teachers can't drink a cup of coffee in front of them (or even water out of anything but a styrofoam cup) (also...i broke that rule everyday i worked there. screw not having a cup of coffee. that wasn't even an option); plus, they asked that you sit down and eat lunch with the kids...fine, but i'm a vegetarian and they provided no vegetarian options; so, needless to say, that rule got broke too. everything was so by-the-book in a weird staged sort of way to try to make it seem 'homey'. yesterday, i had a tour come through my room so my assistant director came in 30 minutes before and made all the kids sit down and get into an activity and removed my bad ones. it looked picture perfect. ten minutes after they left, back to normal. they're in for an awesome surprise if they enroll. everything there was for show. i saw our cook, the meanest lady ever, make a crappy fort, take photos, post them on her wall saying 'look at all the fun we're having!' and then go back to screaming at them and calling them stupid under her breath. oh! and...one more thing...i had 16 kids enrolled in my class. but my limit was ten. so...for an hour of nearly everyday, off and on, i was over my limit and to solve that, nope, they didn't get me another teacher, they moved my older kids into the older rooms. rooms they aren't old enough for, but that was the only option. and they took my younger kids and moved them back. and that's fine on some days, but how can you teach a class when you don't even know what students you'll have from day to day? hour to hour? the kids would be completely ready to go outside (when you're three...getting dressed for mn winters is a major accomplishment. no one cared.) and they'd be told to undress and head to another room. we'd be going to music class and they'd be pulled out. we'd be starting a cool project and they'd be told to 'come help' for a little by the directors and then stuck in another room. that's super disappointing when you're little!

d) and the teachers. they settle on all of the above. plus, no raises for years, crappy uniforms (to dismiss any and all potential creativity) and lower than average pay. do you really think they're the best? or professionals? or do you think they're not there out of convenience and/or laziness too? i stood out like a sore thumb. yes, it was sometimes because i was wearing ridiculous shirts under my uniform shirt and random, un-matching scarves, polka dot socks with kitty shoes, a facial piercing (always got in trouble for it) and a cup of coffee (trouble for that one too...) but mostly it was because i had a personality and i let my kids have one too. stepping out of the cookie-cutter to make things be more real got you in trouble for making things too real. making things feel like home got you in trouble because there needs to be more order. making things have too much order, well, that's just something i couldn't do. the teachers that think this is okay, well, they stay. the ones that don't, leave. so, bringing your child to a place like this is bringing them to a place with watered down, zombie teachers who don't care enough to speak up about things that are wrong or have the desire to leave and bosses who's answer is to shuffle things and make it work for now.

i quit yesterday. i put in a measly one week notice because i can't do it anymore. in turn, i was offered different hours, a different location and different ages. my director teared up as i repeatedly turned her down but i just didn't care. i was so glad to have been hired at a beautiful, small, academy that feels full of life and color and home. i can't wait to bring myself to my class and have my class show me who they actually are.

sincerely,
teacher