wait for ME...

this last year has sucked and there's no promise of anything getting better anytime soon...

i mean...i'm here. my health is better than it has been in the recent past and that's really what ya need to keep moving on--but shit...at this point, i have no idea where i'm going. i have no answers. no security. i have no realistic knowledge to even fall back on.

i just know that with all my heart i'm trying to take what i've always wanted and make it real for my kid. i have no mentors in that field and i even fail when i think i'm doing good but i'm growing everyday and learning from myself, if no one else. i mean, i've never been one to ask for help anyway...i've been garden grown with a do-it-myself mentality, as that's how my life has shaped me. however, as a child, i despised that mentality in grown-ups...adults were all so foolish in their stubbornness.

so now, i'm supposed to just know what to do. and how to do it. and how to hold it all together--and when my strongest role-models in that area are the sitcom moms and dads of generations past, it's no wonder i always feel as if i'm failing and am never really sure how to win. i'm in this world with no road map. no how-to manual. no parents to ask for advice as to how they did it through really hard times. what they taught me was to walk away when things weren't working and, of course, they had their reasons, as everyone does, and i understand--but it sure as hell hasn't helped me now. two generations of broken families and divorce to fall back on...how am i supposed to just get it? to just feel anything but the need to find my own way, to focus on only me and to hide when things start to go bad?

the one who i need, i walk away from because that's what i do. he's the one who knows how to hold it together, and he has the keys, but i'm too retarded in my own past to get it. he has more patience for me than i've ever, in my life, seen anyone have for another person and i can't understand it. i think for the first time ever though, it's making me feel better about who i am as opposed to worse...

argh...sighfucksigh.

(that was a swear sigh. nothing peaceful or serene about it. it's kinda like sitting down to a great book with kids running and screaming all around you.)

obviously, i need to sleep now...i'm exhausted with so much.

big al

well, i'm feeling not-as-cranky today.
i shot a little after a storm, which, i've discovered, is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
i talked to my grandma and then i talked to a friend with whom i haven't spoken to in months. it was so awesome to have him give me shit for falling off the face of the earth and then to instantly have him back...gotta love unconditional friendship.
i haven't had any coffee today, but i've ate well and i plan to go to sleep soon...but first, i'm finishing out my night with, allosaurus: walking with the dinosaurs--bbc documentaries are wonderful.

no edit. ya get what ya get.

(nothing to do with anything...)

ok. tonight...i'm just in a bad mood. it's self-induced...shit, my whole life is self-induced, really. but do you ever do something you know you shouldn't do (possibly, maybe, something such as e-stalk), then get all uncontrollably emotional over something you shouldn't care about, let alone even KNOW about...and then just get pissed because you're an idiot, then more pissed because they're an idiot, and then delete friends from facebook, and then wish you hadn't, and then feel empowered that you did, and then just get sad for a million different reasons?

really? no? is that crazy? i need someone who gets this shit to tell me, no one's saying a damn thing. just crickets. i'm tired of being stared at. i'm stared at a lot lately, more than ever. weird stares. the kind i'm used to, but still feel the need to try to explain myself for whatever action provoked the stare in the first place, inevitably making me sound/look more insaner.

oh. ya know what else i'm in a bad mood about? that i'm not USING this effin crazy to my advantage right now! crazy and creative are incredibly interchangeable in my world. whenever i start feeling insaner than usual, i channel it through the lens of a camera and i'm back to good within a little bit...but nope. this time...i'm staying up later, drinking more coffee, eating less food and avoiding human contact with anyone outside of, well, ok, with everyone. i keep taking on more things to do so i have less time and it's all because i'm not channeling effectively. (i learned awhile ago, that if i simply channel this feeling into some sort of art i'm always good, i love my work and i feel great. if i don't channel it...i'm all over the place. i'm basically ditching my therapist for the bartender right now. though not a real bartender...a hypothetical one--just needed to clarify that one as i have yet to throw copious amounts of alcohol into this picture. well, i did this weekend but that was due to a night of card games and secret meetings with my sister, bff and a bottle of patron. it felt so incredible to laugh until i cried and my ribs hurt...but, then i really did cry once the tired caught up with me and that sucked. you're staring...look, basically, i know what works and i'm not doing it.)

anyway...it's almost midnight, as i've been writing for almost an hour, and i have a class to teach in the morning, laundry and dishes that needs to be finished, girl scout stuff that needs to be accomplished, a back lawn that needs to be mowed, plants that need tending and a sleepover that needs to be had...so, a pretty normal day as of late i guess...

jaw dropping, i know

(satellite images? one is...and one's MY discovery)

now, we all know i have no life. well, i do. but it's a pretty nerdy one, at best, and weird things tend to make me really excited. like this for example...the photo set you're about to see.

so, i was surfin one of my fav sites, national geographic.com, a few days ago and came across a pretty rad idea...it was called the Valley of the Khans project and it encouraged readers to study an aerial satellite image and submit contributions with their 'findings' on what the image held. i didn't submit my findings, as i didn't find anything...but, i got the idea of what they were after. i mean, i did study it for like 30 seconds (shush. that's ample time to make a major discovery, trust me), but then got even MORE excited to read about the wooden stonehenge that was found in ohio--so i clicked on that story instead.

anyway...while working in the kitchen today, i did come across a major discovery by complete accident...the photos above are snippits of the photos below.

see! this is SO amazing to me! i think it's awesome! it's like that one time when i saw a photo of a brain cell and something in outer space and they were the same...this is kinda like that. but not completely...

actual website here

sleep to dream

(i almost puked when i saw this and then looked down at the only camera i had available...my celly)

so far this week:

i've made out with my ex in my driveway.
had part of my butt cut off with a light saber.
had a comment from mel gibson on my fb wall.
battled jabba the hut.
got lost following the sunset.
watched a funnel form in great detail...including watching the tornado touch down.

half of those are real; half are dreams. pretty hard to tell the difference for me too as it's all blurred together.

i've learned that the less i think, the better off i am and the saner i feel.

not drama...this is whining.

(yoda quota)

i don't really have much to say. i'm not even sure why i'm here. maybe to complain? yep. complain. ok...so, it's the middle of july and the last time i can remember being excited about something was, uhm...april. that's really sad. i'm not depressed or anything, just every time i get excited...reality kicks in. this friday, for example, i had plans with my daughter, bff and her daughter...then, i was reminded of money. i canceled. i felt genuinely excited while planning and after the week i'm up against...i'm gonna need it. but i can't without feeling it/hearing about it harshly. story of everything i do lately. sigh. and peeps wonder why i fall out of touch...

on a brighter, semi-exciting note...my favorite show starts back up tomorrow. they only have 15 minute long episodes but, after the 12 hours i will have spent on my feet and driving all over in a black, non-air-conditioned truck with leather seats, in the middle of july --i'm gonna need that 15 minutes of pure bliss.

this blog is depressing me...i take back that not depressed comment up there ^^. i think i've just sank myself into it. darn.

pissed is the name...uhm, also the game or somethin?

(dinner kabobs...all grown locally. however, after the grilling process, they became charcoal--grown locally as well i spose...)

ok. warning. i'm pissy about this...so my pissiness *may* come across in this post. i know, i know...i'd never do anything like that, but this one time it may just happen.

so, let's pretend that your child has a teacher, an art teacher at that. she has a small stud in her lip, a bit larger gauge in her ear (less than the size of a basic straw) and a few mismatched, but always urban-chic, outfits.

if your child asked about her different look would you:

a) challenge their perception of normal? kid, 'she looks different.' mom, 'maybe you look different?'

b) say, 'everyone's different and everyone's their own person!'

c) freak out. email her boss and say how she doesn't deserve her job because of the way she looks and that having her teach children is a mistake.

hmmm...as a parent, who's hoping to eventually end up with a well-rounded, confident adult child, i'm pretty sure the example set in option c wouldn't get me there, or her where she needs to be for that matter. what parent says, and endorses, that if someone looks/acts differently, they're not good enough? that they need to look like everyone else to be accepted? how could you be okay knowing that you're endorsing exactly what some terrible man tried to accomplish just over half a century ago with his love of blond-haired, blue-eyed humans? maybe that's too far...like i said, i'm pissy, but seriously, how stupid is that?

*sigh*

i'm incredibly bugged by this. it's so stupid. there's just no tolerance on my end for close mindedness. we've been through so much as a society, as a culture, as a race...isn't it time to help the next generation grow past our history? what, about the way we've treated humans throughout history, would make a parent believe it's a good idea to keep that part of our past alive?

*sigh*

lilo must die. not really...i swear.

(kickin it ol skool...took a pic to enhance blog. haven't done that in forevs...)

omg. i just RAN to blogger.

i'm sitting here, alone, drinking a glass of white wine, eating shrimp, listening to the cure, thinking how grateful i am for the lighter workload this week (especially before next week, aka: hell week and even more so since i haven't had a day off since mid-june)

and what am i doing in the background? surfing tmz! that's as unacceptable as quoting ke$sha in my blogs! wait, what? anyway...i ran here as soon as i realized how sidetracked i had become. i got so lost. it was terrible. i got sucked into the world of celebrity gossip and drama and i don't even care about that stuff! *sigh* it was terrible. i swear.

ok. i'm topping the night off with, and adding, twizzlers to the mix of aforementioned awesomeness. i just have to enhance it now with my camera...or something, anything, creative to make it a perfect iris evening...

failfailfail

(the suitcase's face. him and i had about the same expression on our faces for most of the day...)

all right. all right. so i might have hit three glasses last night and ended up in the garage with cigarettes, music and conversation. i know that sounds nice maybe, and it was, but i'm tellin ya that when that creativity starts spinning in my head and i DON'T vent it...i get weird and often times, well, a tad bit self destructive--i know, giant surprise there... anyway, so i never quite made it to my camera.

today though, i did...and i failed on both attempts.

attempt one:
i photographed a bit more of the suitcase contents this afternoon. i got annoyed and quit though because it was too loud and way too bright. which maybe sounds weird, i know, but the other night when i was photographing it, it was such a romantic, mysterious mood that was set by the silence and the history in the suitcase. today just didn't feel the same and i couldn't convey the same mood in the photos that the other night contained so easily. does that make me sound crazy? no...of course not? cool. so i snapped a couple shots, totally diva'd out with it, got pissy and quit. i'll go another round with her next week some night.

attempt two:
after dark tonight, i grabbed my camera and headed outside. i had this great idea that involved simply the light from the garage and me in high heels standing at the edge of where the light met the dark. just knees down though. it was gonna be so rad; however, since i had been wearing 1970's style tube socks (blue-ringed in case it mattered) all day, i had tube sock rings around my legs. nothin sexier than a chick, in high heels, with sock rings i tell ya. oh, and not that i was going for sexy, because being a girl who wears tube socks, (all colored rings, in case it mattered) all the time, i can't really pull off sexy by nature. i was going for something less ugly though, that's for sure. i snapped like two pictures and then quit because i knew i couldn't hide it. i'll come back to that project next week too.

sigh.

and now it's after eleven and i'm too tired to start a new project. movie it is i guess while i get slightly dizzier...

sigh.

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano...

(i hate this photo. but it's biding me time. i'm planning to pour myself some wine and shoot tomorrow so i'll have more new/old stuff then...well, either that or i'll hit that third glass and end up chatting in the garage till i pass out)

hey, hi. nice to read ya btw.

so i have to admit something that i hate to have to admit, but the new eminem cd, freakin awesome. my current fav song, all around--love the way you lie.

ya know, come to think of it...for the last two years, i've really hated most top 40. it's been terrible. but this year...i'm loving SO much of it that i think there may be something horribly wrong with me. but with gaga, and perry, and timbaland, and the black eyed peas eating up the airways, you just can't go wrong. well, ke$ha is wrong, terribly wrong, and she eats up lots of space i guess. but her crap is sill catchy...annoying as all hell, but catchy nonetheless. and 3oh!3, SUCH punks--pair them with ke$ha and you get awful stuff that sticks in your head for hours upon hours. apparently, if you have a symbol in your name that could represent a swear word in a cartoon...your music makes people actually want to swear?? (swearing WHILE dancing of course...)

wait.

why am i talking about this shit?

hmmm...

well, i guess pop music/culture is the like the potato chips of our society. every now and then...ya just need to binge out on some junk or something...? (also, there's really no excuse...)

*sigh*




i like your beard.