*flips bird at you*

(you should hear the frogs outside my window right now. they're insane...i think storms make 'em that way. maybe i'm sposed to go kiss one!?)

hmmm...

i really have nothing to say. in fact, i'm not sure why i'm here. i just felt like doing some writing in ANY form other than a random email rant to old friends or people who probably don't need to hear from me. i mean...i personally would always like to hear from me, but that's just me. and i'm just weird. oh! there we go. speaking of weird...i know this guy. i won't say who he is, because he all out admitted he e-stalked me once (and he's not in a position to admit to that to me, or anyone, for that matter) and if i bash him online and he e-stalks, i could get in some trouble. oh, and i'm not here to bash anyway, just complain (all right...maybe bash too).

okay. here goes. soooo...we all remember the kid in school who was just a jerk and said mean stuff, and then laughed at it like it was a joke--while you stood there either embarrassed, or pissed, or an awkward combo of the two? he was the kid you always avoided because you knew he would inevitably say something that would incite a negative reaction from you and make you feel about two inches tall...i liked to pretend he was just too stupid to realize he was mean. oh, and he also assumed he was simply hilarious to all who heard him and usually would laugh hysterically at his own terrible jokes...well, the guys hoping to be as cool as him might laugh too, i spose? this was the kid who was usually pretty cute and athletic and would eventually grow and flock to a fraternity in order to laugh at others, while comfortably surrounded by gaggles of other semi-retarded men whom, instead of challenging themselves to THINK, found it easier to cover for their lack of depth with a good 'ol laugh and a snort. i've always felt more pity than anger toward these poor fools...but lately, i'm mostly annoyed--which equates to angry apparently?

anyway. i recently met one of those semi-retards in my adult life. he makes me re-enter elementary school (by high school, i felt bad for those kind of guys because i knew they would never get someone as cool as me. that maybe sounds conceited, but i had confidence that i was pretty awesome as a person and they'd be stuck with the ex-cheerleader who still had her uniform hanging in the closet despite the 50 extra pounds and minivan in the driveway.) being of the artist mindset...when you meet one of these morons, you're naturally an easy target. which is all i am. i've been accused, during everyday conversation, of 'smoking reefer', being a 'freak' and as a comeback one day, he told me to go 'smoke some more peyote, yo'. reefer and peyote, yo? and i'm a freak? who even says that stuff? *sigh*

i absolutely want to rant. mean rant out of shear annoyance...and as much as i'm trying to hold it in--i'm not sure i can anymore. in fact...oh hell, here goes:

((ok. so, honey. my high school confidence has swelled to something ten times larger than the size of your former-cheerleader-of-a-wife's, ass. i get that i must make you feel stupid. not that i'm any form of a genius...but with someone like you--the i.q. doesn't have to be much higher than that of a toad's to make you look stupid. hell, you make yourself look stupid every time you open your mouth. all you are is a power struggle and a control freak and when you don't get your way, you whine. i will admit, through gritted teeth, that yes, your hair and nails look better than mine. and the way you match your tie, to your shoes, to your belt is something i'll never remotely be able to accomplish with myself and a simple shirt and pants combo. i'm sorry you assume that because i think differently, i'm a freak. but, i'll take being an freak over being as single-minded as you, any day. you can just keep watching me from afar, i guess. apparently, you're fascinated somehow with me or the e-stalking and parking lot watching wouldn't be an issue and maybe if you weren't such an asshole, i'd give you some consideration...but, every time we talk it's a fight or you slam me for being me. i'm sorry, but even talking to you...even a simple hello, is a waste of time for me. you are my least favorite person i've come in contact with in quite some time...and i've come in contact with some real doozies as of late.))

*coughchokecough* wow. i feel better. i felt that rant coming on a mile away and just didn't feel like stopping it. i just don't feel bad enough to not post either. i'm SO sick of being such an idiot to people treating me like shit. i'm SO effin sick of letting myself be treated like less than i am, being lied to, being emotionally manipulated, being an easy target... i KNOW i don't have it all together, but i think i'm doing pretty ok when you consider all the factors. i've had enough of the outside influences, influencing me. i give/gave so many people, so much of my patience, and time, when all they do/have done is make me feel like shit. i'm so sick of letting myself be so casual with people that i let them hurt me because we're 'friends/family! and everything's ok!' i think it's time to learn from the best of them and just start running out of patience...it's that--the thing that i get complimented on at the beginning that, at the end, screws me over--THAT needs to die and never resurrect. it's my casual behavior with people that sets me up to cry the most. i'm done, and sir, you are the FIRST i will say fuck you too. i don't want to learn more about you. i don't want to feel pity. i don't want to be friends. i don't want to play nice. i don't want you to know me and i sure as hell don't want to know you. i'm done. i'll never care to get to know you or give you my time...what's the point? to get to know someone new? no. to learn about someone different? nope. i think i'll take a cue from your semi-retarded, single-minded, mindset on this one and save myself all that openness.

i think this is the start of bitter old woman. i've documented it for future reference. awesome.