to be honest...i hate this blog, the pic isn't that great and i hate writing about feelings. i just had to vent.

(in honor of my kid achieving her life-long dream! finally...a trophy!)

i had intended on posting last night--but connectivity issues, coupled with my insecurities starting an argument...well, i figured it was a sign to just shut up.

i've had some insecurity issues come up lately that haven't plagued me in awhile...it's funny because i can be so solid and focused with my career and parenting but when it comes to relationships and personal health, i am dreadful. i am flighty, i am in it for the moment, i am non-committal, non-serious and way too lackadaisical. i know these things and to be quite honest, i am perfectly happy being that way. my partner...yeah, not so much. and can you blame him? mr. serious , stable and driven, meet ms. flighty, impulsive and unpredictable...good luck. i hope you work out. yeah right. it's the way it is over here though and the more i try to change the more i seem to rebound. i'm like a freakin rubber band...i can pull and pull and pull one way and i can stay like that for awhile but eventually i give. i don't know what irritates me more either...the fact that i feel the need to constantly be pulling myself just to fit in, or the fact that i can't make myself simply fit in. i can't decide. sometimes i feel apologetic for who i am, other times i feel angry i can't just be who i am. sometimes i feel incredible guilty for not being able to be better, other times i feel proud to be who i am. i would never want to hurt anyone in this tornado i'm always spinning but i can't successfully stop it long-term...so how could someone not get hurt. i have tried so hard. so, is the answer to seek help in changing who i am? or is it living with who i am and shifting my life in order to accommodate me? or is it to keep squashing this square me into that round them? i don't know really--but i know damn well it's not that i don't try. i don't mean to be this way; i don't mean to not be good enough for you...

i'll just keep treading water for now and hope that my top doesn't fall off or that the life guard doesn't leave...either one would destroy me in their own ways. but really, when you just keep treading water for hours, both are bound to happen i guess. maybe all that treading time should be spent thinking about how i'm going to deal with those scenarios and not just looking around, enjoying the sun and waves. maybe you have no clue what the hell i just wrote...i'm not sure do either but somehow it makes sense...