i'll miss you seasonal 75% off seasonal clearance...i'll be back

(red shoes. the last clearance item i plan to purchase until my equipment is paid off...)

so my massive purchase...well, it all started last week.

i was home, alone, and feeling lonely and sorry for myself. so, along with the food that was keeping me company, i decided to shop. i typed in amazon.com and searched for camera lenses.

i found the one i wanted: 550.00.
then i needed the hood and filter: 45.00.
next i looked for a new tripod, strictly out of curiosity, and i accidentally found one i loved...that and the quick release plate: 130.00.
then, after deciding that if i was going to purchase these things, i might as well order the new battery i needed along with the memory card: 60.00.
and then i was like...wow, i have nothing to carry this stuff in so i added on a backpack made for my camera and accessories: 40.00.
with all the shipping and handling...almost 900.00.
(this could be made into the photographers edition of if you give a mouse a cookie btw...)

i sat on the order until monday morning. see, i had thought a lot about it and then, on sunday night, i had this dream that finally talked me into it...i crashed into a 1950's collector car and thought to myself...damn, now i can't justify that big purchase. then, i woke up, realized that i didn't really do that, rolled over and clicked 'buy now.'

this is a huge purchase for me. the third biggest i've made in my life...right behind my two vehicles. i need to spend money to make money right...? i KNOW this was a sound investment for me but it's hard to know how much i just spent without feeling a little nauseous. at the same time...I AM SO EXCITED! i am getting what i need...remember when i mentioned that seven-year plan i have? yeah, well i need to start somewhere--and a crappy tripod with small, standard lens will not get me there... plus, will i ever really have the money to do this?

i have sworn off eating out at lunch, bottles of wine, random clearance items, store-bought coffee, junk food crap from the vending machine...including twix...and anything else that would only benefit me. it's gonna suck, but it will only be like this until it's all paid off.

if anyone wants to buy me a candy bar, it would be greatly appreciated though...

goodnight...

i hit up the zoo today with a good friend and my kid. i also made a massive purchase...but i'll write about that tomorrow...right now, i'm tired.

thanks for ALL you do :)

my best friend had his pre-deployment tonight. we partied last night too. i love his [my second] family and i love him :)

preventative maintance

i figured i should do a quick post now. i plan to be drunk in a couple of hours.

to be honest...i hate this blog, the pic isn't that great and i hate writing about feelings. i just had to vent.

(in honor of my kid achieving her life-long dream! finally...a trophy!)

i had intended on posting last night--but connectivity issues, coupled with my insecurities starting an argument...well, i figured it was a sign to just shut up.

i've had some insecurity issues come up lately that haven't plagued me in awhile...it's funny because i can be so solid and focused with my career and parenting but when it comes to relationships and personal health, i am dreadful. i am flighty, i am in it for the moment, i am non-committal, non-serious and way too lackadaisical. i know these things and to be quite honest, i am perfectly happy being that way. my partner...yeah, not so much. and can you blame him? mr. serious , stable and driven, meet ms. flighty, impulsive and unpredictable...good luck. i hope you work out. yeah right. it's the way it is over here though and the more i try to change the more i seem to rebound. i'm like a freakin rubber band...i can pull and pull and pull one way and i can stay like that for awhile but eventually i give. i don't know what irritates me more either...the fact that i feel the need to constantly be pulling myself just to fit in, or the fact that i can't make myself simply fit in. i can't decide. sometimes i feel apologetic for who i am, other times i feel angry i can't just be who i am. sometimes i feel incredible guilty for not being able to be better, other times i feel proud to be who i am. i would never want to hurt anyone in this tornado i'm always spinning but i can't successfully stop it long-term...so how could someone not get hurt. i have tried so hard. so, is the answer to seek help in changing who i am? or is it living with who i am and shifting my life in order to accommodate me? or is it to keep squashing this square me into that round them? i don't know really--but i know damn well it's not that i don't try. i don't mean to be this way; i don't mean to not be good enough for you...

i'll just keep treading water for now and hope that my top doesn't fall off or that the life guard doesn't leave...either one would destroy me in their own ways. but really, when you just keep treading water for hours, both are bound to happen i guess. maybe all that treading time should be spent thinking about how i'm going to deal with those scenarios and not just looking around, enjoying the sun and waves. maybe you have no clue what the hell i just wrote...i'm not sure do either but somehow it makes sense...

james spader = awesomeness

(my kids masterpiece...she was SO proud of this...)

i'm watching stargate. the movie. it's pretty dang good.

that's about all i got today. my mind's been in job mode lately. oh, and on my lip too. it's pierced and my kid rammed me with her head. the inside of it got all cut. it feels like a big canker sore in there now. it's terrible, so i'm wearing an annoying ass hoop to try to let it heal a bit. i don't know what's more irritating...the hoop or the swelled up, burning cut inside...

your mood swings...i hate em

went to see batman today.

excellent movie. 2.5 hours gone in the speed of superman.

mow, mow, mow the grass...

today...i mowed grass.

for the first time in my life, i mowed grass. (i grew up in an apartment...leave me alone.)

it was fun. i mean, not fun like a party, but in the way of exercise...it was all right. i worked up a good sweat and got super dirty. it took a couple hours but it was worth it. i like instant results :)

esfp

(yesterday's wine...i'm tellin ya, i'm in a slump)

i started writing yesterday. all these words just came spewing out of me. it was awesome. my fingers couldn't even keep with my thoughts. it's some good shit too. real rough and raw though and stuff i just can't let everyone see. it felt good. i finally put some of my thoughts to paper flawlessly. usually i have trouble with getting it all out how i really feel it...

i also puked last night. i only had two glasses of wine but something didn't sit well. so yesterday, not only did i puke words but also wine. it was a good day. all-in-all.

i rousted at 5:30 am this morning and have been up ever since...in quite a pleasant mood too. today has been nice. so far. i'm outside. my kid and nephew are inside playing and i'm basking in the sun with my sis. however, i have been noticing i apparently forgot deodorant. i know...too much. my guy's been really into the myers briggs thing lately. he just took the thing for the first time and is comparing everyone to his letters. i decided to take it too. i take it every couple of years, out of boredom mostly, and it always seems to change a bit. i change too though. apparently, i'm an esfp. at my best, it fits me to a tee. that quiz doesn't take into consideration my manic side though. at my worst, i am the exact opposite of that. i can be one side or the other quite easily. my results also pointed out how wonderful i am in the present with little to no disregard for future consequences. i was quite happy when he read that. see...it's just WHO i am. i can't help it. in fact, it's so common with my personality type it's become part of the esfp profile. i try to change...to get good at opening my mail but i'm busy doing other things that are more important. i need someone who's naturally good at giving direction which, according to myers briggs, my guy is. i'm so glad he is. if i didn't have someone to keep me opening my mail i would be in serious trouble. esfp's are natural performers who like to always be the center of attention. i'm slightly annoying in that field. i am fun at parties though. my results also stated that i don't like to be alone and don't function well if i am for too long. some of mine and my guys biggest fights have been about his leaving. see hon, i'm actually quite normal. oh, and i learned that contrary to my blog the other night, i'm not self-destructive...i just give in to temptation easily. it's NORMAL for my type of person. i'm concerned with aesthetics which, obviously, i am. i wouldn't be any good at photography if i weren't. well, not saying i'm awesome or anything...but i do get a lot of compliments. it brings up my low tolerance for anxiety; it's true too. i freak out when too much is happening and i avoid things that could bring me anxiety for as long as humanely possible...hence my issue with opening the mail.

here's where to take it...
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp


so yeah. other than that, i'm in a photo slump. haven't had much free time now that my kids on summer break. gotta make some. gotta make some money too with this whole photo thing to justify the two grand i want to spend on equipment. i decided within seven years i want this as my full time thing. photos that is. not blogging. blogging full time would be stupid. i have enough issues doing this on a daily basis.

ok, that's it for now. today's a day i feel i could ramble on forever about nothing. i think i could.

i can't blog tonight...

i'm drinking wine with my man.

well, he'snot drinking wine but i am.

snot.

heehee.

well, at least the pic is good

(my best friend's fruit pizza is so delicious...)

why can't i just be normal? well, not normal because i'd probably be miserable then...all mushroom soup colored, soft-spoken and sober. or, maybe normal is drunk...who knows? either way, why do self-destruction and i go hand-in-hand like two monkeys playing ring-around-the-rosie? what the hell did i just say? i have no clue where that came from, but i think it'd be cute...well, i hate monkeys so that part isn't so cute i guess.

yeah, anyway...i'm super functional and quite productive when it comes to family life and work life but personal life...yep, that's where i falter. it sure does do wonders for my creativity though. i tend to feed off my dysfunction in ways that i can't even describe. my mind takes off like a pheasant from a field...*sigh*

ok, i need to stop with the visuals tonight. really. monkeys playing games and pheasants...? wow. i think i need some sleep.

little things i tells ya...little things

(oh yeah. uh huh. it's a color thing...aaaaagain... (( in my head that went with music))

today, well...today was better. i had a training thingy like an hour away. it went well. i got a really cool pen when it was done. it's a pen on one end. highlighter on the other.

i love cool pens.

hell, i love plain old bics.
i guess i just love pens period...even the not so cool ones.

when i was little, i had a pen collection. it's a strange thing for a young child to collect but, well, i was a strange child.

the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed...

(i ventured outside today. i found a bug. that's about all i could do.)

shall we, for selfishly therapeutic reasons chronical the day i had?

ok...here goes...

6:30 am, i realize i forgot my keys in my guys car. my first day back to work after a long sick leave is now going to have to start an hour and a half later than previously expected.
8:30 am, i stab myself in the eye with my mascara wand.
10:30 am, i walk into a huge mess of work on my desk.
12:15 pm, i somehow end up with a 1200 dollar discrepancy on a woman's credit card. i cried. it got fixed. somehow.
2:00 pm, i'm still buried in that huge pile of work on my desk. it had only gotten worse throughout the day, burying me deeper. i nearly drowned.
2:15 pm, i eat a slice of chocolate cake for lunch. thank goodness someone had a going away party...otherwise i wouldn't have had lunch.
3:30 pm, i take two alka seltzers which and, with nothing but a slice of cake in my system, made me nice and flighty.
5:00 pm, i'm still buried.
5:40, i finally leave work...the cash machine is shut down though, so is the skyway entrance so i walk until i find another one. ten minutes later.
8:00 pm, i finally enjoy some raspberries and black licorice for lunch...er, dinner...er, something like that.

i think i should have stayed in bed one more day...

sick and tired...

(one more storm picture...tomorrow maybe i'll leave the house...maybe)

...of being sick and tired.

today was better than yesterday though.

plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is...

(more from yesterday's storm...i haven't done much today...obviously)

...actually, today...no it's not.

not that much anyway.

every couple of years i get a cold in the middle of the summer. they're always the worst. it makes me miss the good old winter cold...there's something soothing about wrapping yourself in blankets and drinking hot tea when it's freezing cold outside.

in the summer though, i'm hot anyway...the thought of cuddling up under blankets and drinking hot tea when it's 92 degrees outside feels absurd. so, while everyone else is outside enjoying their july weekend, i'm inside, sniffling, sneezing and feeling downright miserable.

after the rain the rain (washes away the tears, and all the pain, whoa oh oh oh ohhhh oh oh... )

nelson rocked.

i don't remember all the words. obviously.

'simple is not a word i would use to describe you'

'those noodles are fine' i said, to the skeptical child. 'they taste like any other noodle.'

'they don't look like macaroni and cheese noodles, so they won't taste like it either' she said with her hands placed squarely on her tiny hips. then, she stormed away in a fit of rage. 'i'm not eating those!' she bellowed in protest from the other room.

20 minutes later, she sashayed out of the room, empty bowl in hand, politely asking for more.





i need a style i've decided. i mean, i've been doing this for about six months and i have no writing style at all. not even a little. just randomness.
bitchy rant here, goofy crap there...it's a reflection of my life--and i refuse to have order in my life, but i do want it somewhere. i was hoping my blog would kind of naturally take shape somewhere along the line and here it is...i knew it would find me.
i'm great at taking pics...i know (heehee) but i want to take it a step further and illustrate the pics with my words...as backwards as that sounds. i want each blog entry to be like a page of a book. it's not going to be a book with a beginning or end but there will be lots of middle. i'm still not sure i will be able to write everyday but three times a week is perfect. i have a friend writing a book right now. he's an absolutely amazing writer; maybe my inspiration stems from him, who knows. i can't do nearly what he does or bring my words to life in the way he can but i'll start somewhere...in the middle.

i'm sure, no i know, i'll still rant and rave here and there--but do you think this works or is it incredibly boring??

i miss your happy...

as i stood in the kitchen with my bell bottoms hiked up to my knees and my new rain boots on, i looked at him and said, 'why can't you just be normal?'

he glared invidiously at me and yelled, 'why can't you just stop asking me that?'

marsha, marsha, marsha

so, apparently, i have a brother.

how is it, that you can live your whole life being the oldest (and coolest), and then one little phone call later you're demoted to middle child. this sucks. i never wanted to be the middle. i want to be the oldest dammit. i like being the oldest. being the oldest is the only way to go. i mean, i still am in my mom's world but in my dad's...i'm the middle now. the middle. the stupid, stinking middle. i am a slice of bologna. i am bread no more. i like bread. (no offense to all you middle's btw...i like you, really, i just don't want to be one.)

i mean, i know nothing technically changes because we're all adults, and the whole family structure thing kinda dissapates when you're not raised as a family...but still. it's a psychological thing i spose as well as my oldest child pride being attacked.

i always wanted an older brother though. it's nice i get to meet him after the whole childhood thing is done i guess...i really hate being picked on...my little sister did that enough growing up. shut it. she's a brute.

a bit of what the holiday brought...

happy independence day y'all

went to see a couple movies today.

iron man: absolutely perfect.

hancock: absolutely terrible.

i've never seen two movies in one day and i am completely brain dead due to it...almost four hours of staring at the big screen...i have been in this weird funk ever since.

it was a wonderful day though :)

i'll be out of town for a couple days coming up here so you'll just have to do without me for a tad. i think you'll live...hopefully, cuz if you don't, i would feel terrible.

a blog. the end,

i'm really struggling for something to write today.

i mean, i know i re-made the rules awhile back--saying i don't have to write everyday but ever since i said that, i want to write everyday. even on days like today, when i really have nothing to say...i want to write. you think i would use this as one of my days off, but nope, i'm going to make you all suffer through it with me.

well, if you weren't bored, or not at least a little entertained, i guess you wouldn't be reading this anyway though, huh? so really, i'm not making anyone suffer through it. it's more like some weird symbiotical relationship we have going you and i...you desire to read, despite my boringness and i desire to write, despite my boringness.

you can be the zebra and i'll be the oxpecker...together, we'll keep each other occupied.

i never knew about the pb...

lousy day at work.
confusing.

good conversation with a friend.
uplifting.

at the end of the day, i like to feel like it all evens out...today, it has.