(i haven't ever had a clothesline i love this much)it's scary to me. i don't understand it really, and i know it's inevitable. it's like the one thing in this whole world i'm quite certain i won't be able to talk my way out of--which makes the thought of it even more petrifying to me. it will happen to me and it will happen to my loved ones...and there's no way to avoid it.
faced with recent events in my life, this is weighing on my mind more than ever. i guess though, that the only way to understand something is to think about it over and over until you've at least come to an understanding about it. i don't need to understand it all the way, figure it all out, or hell, really even be ok with it, but i really do need to come to peace with it. maybe that's why there's so many religious folk out there...they just have faith everything will be ok and leave it at that. i don't know. i do know that since i turned about 25 these thoughts have been quite persistent on my mind...like gnats around your head in the summer...they're just always there. don't worry, it's not all consuming or anything, and no, i'm not going to go completely goth either; it's just that for the first time in my life, i've actually started actually thinking ahead.
when i was younger, thinking ahead meant what movie i wanted to see on friday (not another van damme flick), where i wanted dinner (taco bell or chinese), what my wedding would look like (lots of pink and green in the conservatory), or what my next car could possibly look like (if i could save some money and not blow it all on clothes). now...now thinking ahead consists mostly of coming to the realization that those thoughts of movies, dinner and cars are over...well not completely over as i refuse to let them all go, but for the most part they're gone (i do still blow way too much money on clothes though). i have noticed that throughout my life i go into these 'thought phases' if you will. i will let a single topic consume me for days, months and a couple of times, even years. then, i guess i just get it or something and i just move on. i'm thinking this is the same thing. it's just the first time in my life, i've actually really thought about the biggest thing since being born...death.
faced with recent events in my life, this is weighing on my mind more than ever. i guess though, that the only way to understand something is to think about it over and over until you've at least come to an understanding about it. i don't need to understand it all the way, figure it all out, or hell, really even be ok with it, but i really do need to come to peace with it. maybe that's why there's so many religious folk out there...they just have faith everything will be ok and leave it at that. i don't know. i do know that since i turned about 25 these thoughts have been quite persistent on my mind...like gnats around your head in the summer...they're just always there. don't worry, it's not all consuming or anything, and no, i'm not going to go completely goth either; it's just that for the first time in my life, i've actually started actually thinking ahead.
when i was younger, thinking ahead meant what movie i wanted to see on friday (not another van damme flick), where i wanted dinner (taco bell or chinese), what my wedding would look like (lots of pink and green in the conservatory), or what my next car could possibly look like (if i could save some money and not blow it all on clothes). now...now thinking ahead consists mostly of coming to the realization that those thoughts of movies, dinner and cars are over...well not completely over as i refuse to let them all go, but for the most part they're gone (i do still blow way too much money on clothes though). i have noticed that throughout my life i go into these 'thought phases' if you will. i will let a single topic consume me for days, months and a couple of times, even years. then, i guess i just get it or something and i just move on. i'm thinking this is the same thing. it's just the first time in my life, i've actually really thought about the biggest thing since being born...death.
