damage control

((having blog identity crisis...))

so. now that the dust is settling...one might expect things to be clearer, like i may now actually SEE my surroundings, but no. that's not happening according to my lack-of-plan sort of plan. (why do i always think that will work btw...? it has never failed me by becoming nothing more than exactly what it is...at least it's consistent, i guess.)

in the little bit of what i can see regarding my surroundings and what's on the sandy horizon, i'm either scared to death of or i simply don't feel like looking at. the rest of the stuff i still can't see is just a bunch of bloated, formless, nothing. either way...i'd willingly prefer to just stand there with my eyes closed instead--because there's nothin i really care to see anyway.

through all this, my biggest fault seems to be my ability to remain semi-calm and relatively positive. it's once again been misconstrued as my lack of caring or, consequently, possibly as pleasure in seeing through to the end, some grand master plan i've miraculously concocted in my secret lab. (it would be miraculous considering i can't even plan out a meal for myself.) either way, i try to keep myself off the peaks and valleys because they are never polite to my mental and/or physical health. the ups and downs i can let myself so freely rise and plunge too make everything about me so destructive. they leave me too, with many more broken pieces to try to scotch tape (or, unhealthily hope/look to find someone else to try to scotch tape), at some, yet undisclosed, later date--per the norm. i'm trying to remain on the flat road as much as possible...though, to be honest, i have had a few pretty rough days. (oh! my dreams! my dreams finally helped me! they single-handedly pulled me out of bed and out of the poor me, sad i was forgetting myself in.) and so yeah, i break here and there, at night, just to show i'm human--i'll save it all until then. however, then, i am 'worried' about. so, either i'm worried about or i'm callous. it's a fine line. i think i'll choose to close my eyes at this one too i think.

so yeah. it's so funny what you find the most solace in when times get rough. star trek, the original series, has become something i look forward to. a reward of sorts, for accomplishing something, anything, during the day. also, the late nights, when i finally decide to go to bed and am finally warm...total appreciation for that; i look forward to it everyday...no matter how good/bad the day was. i've been baking a lot--like, a lot a lot. and working too. and ordering photos to give away and then possibly to sell off what's left over from my christmas pillaging. and following the wild. i keep myself busy mostly. i've been pretty sober through it all too. last week, i did destroy two bottles of wine though. (i had forgot about that...i was drunk.)

anyway...that was my update. and also...i made up that title. well, it's not that original or anything but it works.