insomniatica

(no. i don't have a dream photo. and no. i don't have a bloody photo. yet...)

yep. i slept last night. for the first night in days...i slept the night through. granted, i snapped and took two tylenol pm; but regardless, i woke up feeling like i actually got some sleep.

here seems to be the majority of my issue lately. my dreams. (a sample of just tuesday night: i forgot my child, been bombed from above by russia, found graffiti to photograph on a barn, rode my bike through dirt roads that sprawled over green lands, seen fighter jets come in to attack, had my ex re-do all of my favorite memories of 'us' with his new girlfriend, lost my dog...and it just keeps going when you add in all the emotions, colors, people and smells...)

i have ALWAYS been a very active dreamer. i have always had color in my dreams, feelings (both emotional and physical feelings are huge in my dreamland and can affect my waking day), i can feel weight, i can smell scents, i can hear things, i can alter and change the way dreams are going, i can put myself into a dream of choice, pull myself from a dream and/or keep myself in a dream. (when i was little, due to the graphic nature of some of my dreams, i HAD to learn to change them and pull myself from them or i never would have slept.) (oh...one more parenthetical statement-i, only very recently, learned that not everyone can do that. it's called lucid dreaming i guess and when you google it...all these weird head-in-the-clouds, astrological hippie, wanna-be spiritualist's sites, playing crappy midi music pop up. you know the kind.)

anyway, so, yes. i slept last night. but my dreams were so intense and the medication, mixed with the already existing exhaustion, was so strong, i was forced to stay in some pretty bad dreams. though somehow, the fear that would have normally went with these dreams wasn't there as prevalently as i think it should have been. don't know why...maybe my emotions were sleeping too.

the first dream was a long drawn out one about my nephew dying. it was terribly sad. there was so much lonely in the dream. nothing was right, everything was alternate and i woke up actually crying. after waking up...i went to the bathroom, shook it off and went back to bed. the next dreams were all about blood. in one...a woman i used to work with ripped my earring out. all this warm blood started pouring out of me. all over my body, down my neck. it was so weird. the next dream, i broke every bone in my leg. the doctor was wiggling it to set it, while i was still conscious and then i felt more blood...it felt the same as the previous dream...and when i looked down, my foot was covered in rivers of blood. the blood dreams didn't phase me a bit though, the pain of the broken bones and the crunching i could feel when the dr was setting them was a bit hard to take, but seriously?

so yeah. that is why, when i have bouts of insomnia...i start to lose my mind. i wake up, from the little that i did sleep, feeling like i didn't sleep. and when i do take medication, i wake up feeling like i just got attacked because i can't change my dreams like i need to.

ya know...i've had a lot on my mind lately and have been struggling with a few things both emotionally and physically so i like to think my dreams are simply reflecting that, but why do they have to be so disturbing? shit. last night alone, i lost enough blood to kill me.

15! 15! 15! 15! 15!

(no. i didn't take a picture of her. though i should have. and i should have photo shopped devil horns on her)

dear pregnant woman at rainbow foods yesterday,

the whole concept of the 15 items or less line is so that people who have 15 items or less, like myself, don't have to wait behind people with full cart loads of food, like yourself.

i think it sucks that, on a monday evening, every line is stretched nearly back into an isle and there's only three lanes open. but i think it sucks more that the express lane, is being consumed by you, your pregnant self, your wic vouchers and your slower than a snail method of unpacking your cart.

oh...and when you continue to look back at everyone standing there could you at least say sorry instead of moving even slower because you got distracted by our scorns?

sincerely,
me

you're gonna be in a word of hurt missy

(at least my kid still brings me flowers :))

ok...i was yellin at my kid the other day and without even thinking about it i yelled, 'if i've told you once, i've told you a thousand times, the kitchen counter is NO PLACE for your dirty socks--get out here right now young lady!' (then, i shuddered.)

that got me thinking...it's amazing how often, and how effortlessly, old mom phases come bellowing out of me as i, say, scream outside at my child who's chasing the dog with a hose. ('ya know...a snake would have bit you by now and you'd a had it comin!')

for today's blog...i thought i'd list some of my favorites (this isn't MUCH better than yesterday's blog...but it's a little better):

-if you make that face too long, it's gonna stay that way. (i use this one all the time as we're in a cross-eyed, photo-posing phase currently. when she questions it, i tell her it's probably true, because i've seen people with crossed eyes before...and then i tell her to never stare or ask them if they held it that way too long. it's bad manners--just know, that's probably why their eyes are crossed.)

-good god kid...just don't bleed on the carpet. (this one is courtesy of my grandma and has been said many times by me. last time, when my kid refused to stop crashing her tricycle into my truck tires i eventually snapped and said, fine...do it all you want but i swear, if you fall off and get hurt you're on your own--and for the love of god, you better not bleed on the carpet, i just cleaned it and you'll be in a world of trouble. she paused, thought about it and never did it again. thanks grandma.)

-you're going straight to bed. no dinner. (this one always works in the evening. it's not like she'll starve, but she thinks she will, so it works. she's never actually went to bed without dinner, but it's clearly a big fear of hers.)

-eat your food! there are starving children in africa. (ah yes...guilt and empathy mixed together and thrown at your kid to dwell on over a plate of half-eaten broccolli. the only thing that changes over time with this phrase is the country. i never give her more than i know she can eat. i know how big her fist is, so i know how big her tummy is. there's no excuse.)

-stop whining and count your blessings. (classic. always good and induces many smiles when used while shopping.)

-wait till your father comes home. (for some reason, this puts the fear of god into my child. the WORST he's gonna do is yell but the remorse and pleading start instantly. i rarely need to tell him anything as the behavior is almost always corrected instantly.)

-don't you make me come in there. (i use this one a lot. mostly because i'm lazy...which is probably where the phrase originated from. well, mom's are rarely lazy...they just feel like that anytime the actually get a chance to sit down for more than five minutes.)

-what? do you think money grows on trees? (classic. it says it all. also induces smiles while shopping.)

-good lord child, i have a headache the size of a six year old. (this is my own. my kid laughs when i say it. i roll my eyes and grumble to myself.)

-go ask your dad. (usually, there is a long pause after i say this. i'm pretty sure she's weighing consequences and only about 50% of the time will she actually go ask.)

-sure! leave...but you're NOT comin back. (my dad used this all the time on me and i know i'll use it more in the future but every now and then, when it's teeth brushing time, i get told i'm a terrible mom and that she's running away. this response always makes her scream out of frustration, cry--and then brush. since having my own kid, i've realized my dad never really meant it, but it sure worked.)

-don't you dare come out of that room until you're ready to apologize--AND, mean it! (this usually ends after an hour long stand off. it works though. she has to calm down long enough to formulate a sentence and i have time to figure out how to get the green out of the dog's hair.)

-and, my ALL TIME favorite...because i'm YOUR mom and i SAID SO! (there is no comeback to that that won't get you into more trouble that you're probably already in. i am mom. period. you second guess that--you sit in your room. look, when i'm wrong, i admit it to my kid--but, that happens so rarely :))

mom phrases are the best. they're pretty much built to stand the test of time...and i'm pretty much in love with them.

here comes the me

(i said. i'm never shooting weddings. then i said. sure, i'll shoot a wedding. now i say. thank you so much for letting me be a part of your extraordinary day.)

hey. good to see ya. i'm back again. i know, i know. i keep saying that. i think i mean it now though. maybe. i've got the writing bug though. like, serious big time this time.

ok. so i'm done at my, for lack of a more fitting, mature word, stupid job. i think it's ironic how, for the first time, in quite some time, i have goals. (oh, and for the first time ever, i GET the movie office space.)

(uncontrollable rant coming up...it's my last about my old job. i swear.)

{{{{ i mean, it was tempting to stay at a $12 an hour job that didn't pay for my parking, give me benefits, overworked me with stuff they were too cheap to train me on so my only daily emotion was stress, gave me double the workload (with zero compensation AND over the holidays) due to my boss having a baby, cut my hours when she came back from havin a baby and required a 50-mile per day round trip commute--but um, mcdonalds is hiring.}}}}

so um...where was i? who knows. i never know where i am really. i'm not even sure what just happened. it was like the devil came out of my fingers and typed those terrible truths up there. i feel so violated. ok. i'm wasting your time right now because i think i'm interesting. ok. no. i actually don't think i'm interesting either.

anyway. goals:
-website
-cards to sell
-figure out what individual/groups of photos i want to sell
-get photos printed in 'mass'
-etsy
-frames w/mats
-canon ef 28-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS image stabilizer usm autofocus lens
-ok...that last one was a desperate attempt to insert a christmas list item into my goal list and have santa accidentally forget it's july and drop it on my stairs anyway. i would like a way better, all around lens than my 17-55mm--which is fine but, well...i've outgrown her. it's only $389 on bh photo. not bad right? i'll um...take your pic with it. oh...and i'll let you touch it. and um...well...ok. i got nothing else. oh. i'll also kiss you. maybe.

good god. i just re-read this blog and it's a mess. it's a giant plate of ADHD served on a salad plate with a melon baller.

aren't you glad i'm back?