in the midnight hour, i can your power

i woke up this morning after a night of messed up dreaming. (my dreams have been so intense and vivid lately, i wake up feeling like i watched some weird little art-house, indy flick all night instead of sleeping. i've actually confused dream with reality several times lately.) anyway, i woke up in love with bad news. like completely, head over feet, he's all i can think about, i need to find him and run away with him, kind of in love. it's awful. and, of course, i know it'll pass, as it always does. (every few months i have a dream like this...where i wake up and the emotion is so strong that my mind thinks it's real.) the dream that started all this lovey-dovey, blush-at-the-thought-of-him romance was so stupid too. there was nothing sexual or anything...just emotions or something. the bulk of the dream was on the set of the price is right and at my dad's house. the male co-star of the dream was someone i happen to know all-to-well and has a lovely history of lying continuously to me. in this dream we talked and i KNEW he was being honest...for the first time ever. weird thing was--i never said a word through this whole dream, i just listened and was almost like a ghost. i just watched and i watched through his eyes too (for some reason, in my dream, since we have the same color eyes, i could morph in-between the two of our bodies.) bottom line, is that i'm pretty sure i'm fifteen again and crushing on that boy behind me in spanish class...it's that same freakin intensity and it's annoying as hell. does this happen to anyone else? ever?

ya know, i'm getting tired of feeling crazy lately. normally, i chalk it up as simply part of my charm, but lately, it's over-running my life. i cut out the drinking, except for at the parties...the smoking is still an issue, but that's usually the time i feel and act the most sane, productive and solid. i've been sober a couple of days now and now the dreams have kicked back in. i woke up freaking out last night, twice, over completely unrelated dreams and then this morning, i'm in love. i'm exhausted. i had such a healthy, mellow day yesterday too...just housework, yardwork, structure, creativity and imagination, all topped off with an elementary school visit and tour. it was great and normal feeling; i was busy from start to finish and accomplished a ton. it's like, i'm not crazy on the outside so much...yes, i dress weird and do strange stuff, but my crazy mind gets that saner outside of me in some pretty big trouble from time to time and i make some pretty poor choices. (i am, proudly, five days, self-destructive decision, free :) oh wait, i had like ten shots of 100 proof alcohol on Saturday night...ok, make that three days.)