i really don't know...

i can't post anymore. seriously. my facebook, my myspace...nothin. i can't do it.

it all started the other night...i was the evening i had taken a bad combo of drugs. ok...that sounded terrible...i accidentally took a nighttime sinus medication with a glass of wine. i was fighting the over-bearing tired that was kicking in...i didn't know why i was so tired and i was annoyed due to it--because it was only 9:00 and i had stuff to do. it was at that moment, this voice in my head started just cutting me down. all my photos, all my writing, me as a person, i just couldn't stop thinking about what a horrendous failure i am and how terrible everything i do is.

it didn't make me depressed or anything and i'm NOT fishing for compliments, it was just so odd. like anything good anyone has ever said about me and/or my work became an instant lie...a mere patronization of an annoying, won't-she-just-go-away, wannabe artist. my confidence in anything i do has plummeted to an all time low...it's terrible. i know i'll shake it, at least, i hope i will.

it's so oddly karma-ish i just keep thinking. just a few days prior to the fall, i was feeling quite high on my life and several recent, personal, accomplishments--and now, now i can hardly bring myself to post a photo. i'm ok with it, but seriously--posting a photo used to be second nature to me and now, i can't even imagine doing it, all because my head went nuts. i'm going to do it this time because i always post a photo with a blog. i keep taking pictures at least...it's not my creativity that's hurting, just my general mindset and confidence levels. i haven't really figured out how fix this one, i don't really think i can undo the deep cutting damage done by that stupid voice. it's not fading the way dream emotions do (see that one blog i did last week if that doesn't make sense), it's just hanging on in the back of me. it's weird. it's like putting on weight...you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it overnight...you just have to work it off, way slower than the time it took to put it on.

oh...i'm, um, going through that right now as well...