i like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress

so, this weekend. yeah...this weekend i unbored-ed myself. through a a ton of smoke one night and a buncha wine the next, i am feeling perfect again. like, so perfect i pretty much hate it. i also pretty much remember most of my weekend too. well, the wine night there's a few missing pieces but other than that i'm cool. here's a montage of the highlights.

::fog, lights, disco ball, confetti, glitter::cool people, pretty people::adorable, flirty girls who like girls::

::dancin, dancin, dancin::smokey hazes::laughin till i pretty much pee::

::wine::talking fast and furious::live bands and loud music::

::cigarettes::messy tomatoes::textin, textin, textin::

::no sleep::downtown party::mj::good food

::stupid tv's::retro workout tapes::

*sigh*

i had about a rockstar weekend. i needed it so bad. i needed good people and good conversation. i needed to not care. i needed to quit thinking and just do it. i needed to let loose. i needed to dance. i needed to be told everything i was told. i needed to not be in charge. i needed a caretaker for a bit. i needed a friend and a sister. i needed to listen to everything i wanted to do and not at all to what anyone else said. i needed to feel normal.

it will be great to sleep in my bed though. like, super great. i'm a little tired...totally runnin on adrenaline at this point. well, adrenaline and the black eyed peas.

i was beggin you not tonight, not here, not now...

(wild gnome hunting is lonely when done in solitary form...)

unplugging's been good so far. (there's nights when it all wears on me, like tonight. i get lonely...online becomes my only social outlet. been trying to keep that to two nights a week. just need to get used to it, i guess.) been taking more time to clean during the day; trying to pass the time doing my own thing. like cleaning mostly. i guess.

been pretty body focused too. whatever that means. keeping the nails painted, eyebrows plucked, going for the run, getting sun, taking care of my skin, eating little bits all day...mostly trying not to get obsessive and winding up at the doctor's again, all while being obsessive. it all keeps me feeling good about myself though, and confident--which some days, when i walk into target wearing sweats and flip-flops to buy milk for breakfast the next morning, makes ALL the difference in the world. it makes me feel wonderful to look at my shiny toes, soft skin, brushed hair and ten pounds lighter frame while i'm walking aimlessly toward a clearance rack looking like total trash. i think that's the difference lately between me being miserable and me being perfectly happy. just knowing i'm taking care of myself. there's such a fine line between that and self-destruction for me though. so far, i'm staying pretty well grounded on the right side and i am thankful everyday about that because i know me well. and i know how i struggle...

oh...and on top of all this, i've just been soaking myself in music. it's wonderful. anything from the beatles and fallout boy to willie and stevie--with tons mixed in between...i'm there. it's incredible what a cup of strong coffee in the morning with blink's cheshire cat album can do to me.

oh, and speaking of music--very funny pandora. yellowcard. at this very moment, with these exact thoughts--you play that exact song. the volume, needless to say, is way up and a whole lot more will get written in this blog that will yes, be inevitably deleted.

*sigh*

but, i'm bored

i need to unplug. seriously. wtf am i supposed to accomplish if i'm just online? i'm finding myself using the keys as a tool to be lazy. yes, my only social outlet is currently facebook but i have to massivly cut the time. i'm bored with so much in general currently...and now, i find myself staring at facebook to pass the time. not cool. so not cool.

if you have nothing nice to say, blah, blah, blah...

it rained today. a lot.

also, i think that i really miss the spartans on snl. you know...will ferrell and cheri oteri. they were hilarious. snl has been really funny these last couple of years--but, well, as i'm watching the best of will ferrell, i'm missing them stupid cheerleaders.

oh. and also...ugh. dreams. whatever. i'm dealing and i'm done talking about them. my boyfriend is holding them against me. yep. because i can control my dreams. whatev. i can control what i talk about anyway.

i'm kind of in a lousy mood i think...as i type, i'm having a hard time finding anything nice to say. i am cracking up at will ferrell doing alec trebek though. i think i should just try to sleep. i have a few hours before it will actually happen anyway...

bombs away

(a friend said...let the dreams inspire you. so...i got dreamy)

last night...the chinese invaded. i fled the major fighting zones though, only to find some sort of slavery/solace in a half destroyed building full of americans who were hiding from the conflict as well, but still being controlled by the chinese.

when i woke up, because things were too intense, i felt better--until i dozed back off, only to re-enter the war zone, in which conditions had drastically worsened, and meet up with another girl and a guy. we managed to just barely escape the bombs, the capture and all the shooting and went off to lead a rebel uprising.

i'm a little scared to sleep tonight...

that's a funny one...

(this is entitled, 'barbies. drying.' i know...lame-o...)

last night, i took tylenol pm. i slept. it was a miracle...a modern day, medicinal miracle. or somethin like that...

this morning, i had just one dream. it was majorly messed up. there was fbi, cia, the mob, physical assaults, drugs, john hughes movies, michael jackson, birthday parties and lots of kids, rollerblades, cracked coffee cups, helicopters, my cabin, serets and a heroes character. unfortunetly, that's all i can say about it though. i'm noticing a pattern in my dreams, which is good, i guess. i don't like the pattern though and it's a a pretty transparent pattern for those that know me...so i'm just going to be quiet on things for now. apparently, it's something that my sub-conscious mind is a bit stuck on lately...though my regular mind doesn't seem too affected by it.

*sigh*

so...um...how do you get your sub-conscious over something? maybe i need hypnotherapy or something? like in office space--when that guy got hypnotherapy and then got 'normal'. ugh.

or maybe time will just take care of it...

hah!

*yaaaaaawn*

(baking...one of the many things i busy myself with weekly to stay alert...)

i guess, i should be happy to report that, with a stolen ambien, i slept decently last night. with the ambien i only had a handful of dreams. the main one, i was living at a house with my boyfriend and there was his part of the house and then his best friends part of the house (his best friend was my exes best friend, btw). i was their maid basically. i cleaned. there were lots and lots of details, dvd cases, shelves, necklaces, phone conversations, garbage, dust...lots of detail, lots of color.

another dream, i took a little raft out through our flooded streets with my camera, of which i could not find the neck strap. i had my big lens on and was trying to shoot the moon and the circles of rainbows that were everywhere...though they kept going away when the sun would come out. i ended up falling off the raft and trying desperately to save the camera...which i did.

i also dreamt of night time restaurants with dangling lights, freaking out on a friend's pregnant wife for being a bitch and dogs that died years ago.

i don't know why i think this makes a good blog. it doesn't. i know. but it's majorly affecting me lately. i'm tired all day because of this...i'm sick of falling asleep while checking my e-mail at noon. (i haven't done that in a couple weeks now...really...) some nights are better than others...i don't know why. i'm thankful it's not every night at least--i do get a little time to catch up. i'm just so tired of fighting this. heehee. get it. tired of this. heehee.

shit. even my jokes have gotten worse. they used to be so good. remember? yeah...neither do i.

all i have to do, is dr-e-e-e-eam...

(the kid did this. she thought she was making the sink pretty)

last night, i dreamt about:

my friend's boss and an imaginary co-worker of his, washing my three favorite bras, answering the phone--only to find out it was dead, chatting with and making plans for my mom this week (i gave her, in the dream, all my days and times i was busy this week. they were the actual times i AM busy), getting fired from a job, my dad checking out the panty lines of a friend of mine, a friend complaining about putting on a few pounds (in my dream, she reflected roughly the weight gain from her real-life current weight), buying christmas door/window hangers with cardinals and snow on them, on clearance for .75 cents each, breaking up with my current boyfriend and hooking back up with the ex-only to find out he was living on a lake with his actual girlfriend and trying to break up with her while pacifying me by lying and wearing drab clothes while walking through long grey hallways with drinking fountains.

and THEN, there was the movie dream...i was actually andy (and IN the upcoming movie, toy story 3--which i do not know the plot to), who was dying of cancer and being taken care of by a care giver while my stressed out mom looked on (i remember treatments, medications, surgery's, radiation, etc...). woody and buzz were there but the movie really started when i died (i remember flat-lining and the sheet being pulled over me)...apparently it took the toys to bring me back to life. the twist at the end of the movie was that i loved them so much, i brought them to heaven with me...they never brought me back to life after all. oooh...

i woke up after the majority of the dreams because they were SO real and i was freakin out. once again, there were colors (VIVID colors of many different shade and hues), smells, emotion and thoughts (thoughts within dream).

needless to say, i woke up quite tired. what the hell? i mean, i don't want to quit dreaming but the dreams are multiplying like freakin rabbits lately...

my kinda, sorta apology

(tonight's storms...this was well after the rain quit. the lightening was incredible...)

oops. please excuse last night's ridiculousness. i take it back. well...i take most of it back. okay, i take nothing back really...otherwise i would hit 'delete'. it was a bit, well, drunkenly harsh though...

i think i shoulda broke a law

(did i post this already? hmmm...oh...and i'm too uncoordinated to add a frame. and my name)

ya know. not just driving but anything drunk should be against the law.

no drunken texts. (just did that one...sorry exey.)
no drunken tweets. (just did that one too...)
no drunken blogging. (in the process of...)
no drunken eating. (cheetos at 11:30 pm. looking delicious.)
no drunken ramblings. (going to do that soon. sorry current.)

look. in my defense. i haven't drank wine in a very long time. in fact, it was since i was at my terrible cube job that i last drank any of that box of wine i finally polished off tonight. (that terrible cube job that probably scarred me for life and made me a temporary alcoholic.) (oh...double parenthesis again...i NEEDED the room in my fridge so i polished off the box tonight. oh...and for the record, i hate boxes of wine...but in my temporary alcoholic phase my current only bought me boxes cuz i polished off too many bottles to afford on $12/hr in the 21st century crappy wages.)

oh...apparently, i'm supposed to post a photo now. stupid rules i made up.

AND another thing...you made me gain 15 pounds

(it's a chocolate soy milk stain. i swear...)

so, um...like, when am i just supposed to have it all figured out? (excuse me forefathers and literary artists for my lack of decent english--but when i think of my life, i start talking like that. i don't know why.)

what i want to do so does not match what i'm supposed to be doing. i don't like khaki's much, if at all and i really hate cubes. i know that the service industry pays better than most cube jobs and allows you to be at home more...but when you say, 'hi, i'm 28 and i'm a server.' you just feel the need, by the weight of the impending stares, to follow up with, 'oh...but i do have a college education and i have tried cube life; i chose the service industry; i swear.' it's ridiculous.

it's like you need to work in a corporate atmosphere before people will take you as anything less than a loser. you need to have joked about having a case of the mondays with co-workers, spilled coffee on your khaki's, been stuck in traffic long enough to be late for an important meeting, done something stupid/alcohol related at a company 'holiday' party, decorated your cube walls with pictures of your pet(s)/kid(s) and spent too much money at starbucks and/or going out for lunch with co-workers in any given week before you have any sort of 'street cred' with the real khaki-wearing, cube-dewlling gangs of the suburbs.

so yeah. what the hell did i just ramble?

in short...fuck corporate america. i'm chosing a happy, non-prozac way of living. despite the impending stares...