i really don't know...

i can't post anymore. seriously. my facebook, my myspace...nothin. i can't do it.

it all started the other night...i was the evening i had taken a bad combo of drugs. ok...that sounded terrible...i accidentally took a nighttime sinus medication with a glass of wine. i was fighting the over-bearing tired that was kicking in...i didn't know why i was so tired and i was annoyed due to it--because it was only 9:00 and i had stuff to do. it was at that moment, this voice in my head started just cutting me down. all my photos, all my writing, me as a person, i just couldn't stop thinking about what a horrendous failure i am and how terrible everything i do is.

it didn't make me depressed or anything and i'm NOT fishing for compliments, it was just so odd. like anything good anyone has ever said about me and/or my work became an instant lie...a mere patronization of an annoying, won't-she-just-go-away, wannabe artist. my confidence in anything i do has plummeted to an all time low...it's terrible. i know i'll shake it, at least, i hope i will.

it's so oddly karma-ish i just keep thinking. just a few days prior to the fall, i was feeling quite high on my life and several recent, personal, accomplishments--and now, now i can hardly bring myself to post a photo. i'm ok with it, but seriously--posting a photo used to be second nature to me and now, i can't even imagine doing it, all because my head went nuts. i'm going to do it this time because i always post a photo with a blog. i keep taking pictures at least...it's not my creativity that's hurting, just my general mindset and confidence levels. i haven't really figured out how fix this one, i don't really think i can undo the deep cutting damage done by that stupid voice. it's not fading the way dream emotions do (see that one blog i did last week if that doesn't make sense), it's just hanging on in the back of me. it's weird. it's like putting on weight...you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it overnight...you just have to work it off, way slower than the time it took to put it on.

oh...i'm, um, going through that right now as well...

in the midnight hour, i can your power

i woke up this morning after a night of messed up dreaming. (my dreams have been so intense and vivid lately, i wake up feeling like i watched some weird little art-house, indy flick all night instead of sleeping. i've actually confused dream with reality several times lately.) anyway, i woke up in love with bad news. like completely, head over feet, he's all i can think about, i need to find him and run away with him, kind of in love. it's awful. and, of course, i know it'll pass, as it always does. (every few months i have a dream like this...where i wake up and the emotion is so strong that my mind thinks it's real.) the dream that started all this lovey-dovey, blush-at-the-thought-of-him romance was so stupid too. there was nothing sexual or anything...just emotions or something. the bulk of the dream was on the set of the price is right and at my dad's house. the male co-star of the dream was someone i happen to know all-to-well and has a lovely history of lying continuously to me. in this dream we talked and i KNEW he was being honest...for the first time ever. weird thing was--i never said a word through this whole dream, i just listened and was almost like a ghost. i just watched and i watched through his eyes too (for some reason, in my dream, since we have the same color eyes, i could morph in-between the two of our bodies.) bottom line, is that i'm pretty sure i'm fifteen again and crushing on that boy behind me in spanish class...it's that same freakin intensity and it's annoying as hell. does this happen to anyone else? ever?

ya know, i'm getting tired of feeling crazy lately. normally, i chalk it up as simply part of my charm, but lately, it's over-running my life. i cut out the drinking, except for at the parties...the smoking is still an issue, but that's usually the time i feel and act the most sane, productive and solid. i've been sober a couple of days now and now the dreams have kicked back in. i woke up freaking out last night, twice, over completely unrelated dreams and then this morning, i'm in love. i'm exhausted. i had such a healthy, mellow day yesterday too...just housework, yardwork, structure, creativity and imagination, all topped off with an elementary school visit and tour. it was great and normal feeling; i was busy from start to finish and accomplished a ton. it's like, i'm not crazy on the outside so much...yes, i dress weird and do strange stuff, but my crazy mind gets that saner outside of me in some pretty big trouble from time to time and i make some pretty poor choices. (i am, proudly, five days, self-destructive decision, free :) oh wait, i had like ten shots of 100 proof alcohol on Saturday night...ok, make that three days.)

i really feel good today

today is a good day. it's funny because the days you're not at work, you feel like such a slacker. but, as of 12:30 today, here's what i've accomplished:

::i showered
::i re-strung two of the four lines to hang laundry on.
::i've done, so far, 4 loads of laundry (most of it's still hanging out to dry...so i haven't folded yet.)
::i got the hose out, did some watering and planted some seeds.
::i made smoothies.
::plus, mixed in with it all, i've had loose tooth emergencies all day. my kid's top tooth is so loose, it's just hanging there. she keeps biting on it wrong, causing it to bleed, causing her to cry. i don't know why she won't just yank it, but she won't--instead, she just stays stressed.

i have a ton more to do today too. i have some photos i want to take, work and school to prep for for tomorrow, a compost pile that needs some turning, more seeds to plant, dog poop to pick up, a first grade open house to go to and i want to finish laundry.

*sigh* lunch is almost over. i gotta go back to my slacking...