you make me feel so good...

yikes. such a photo-heavy blog. that's okay. i needed one of these...means i was doin' something productive.

we hit the art crawl tonight. myself, my kid and one of my bff's. it was awesome and inspiring and fun and friendly and i chatted tons and learned a lot and saw lots of cool stuff and heard good music, met nice people and got excited about art...and, when you're livin' a suburban life, it's really easy to feel like the odd ball out on a daily basis; but there, there, i felt normal and being excited about art was okay...not strange or 'trendy'...it was, well, life...normal life. (this art fair also happens in my favorite art city, ever. real art. real people. real smiles. real pride. real life. pretentiousness is non-existent.)

so yeah. tomorrow holds garage sales and baking and me, wearing weird clothes, per the norm...and feeling proud. not strange.

and tonight, my kid fell asleep drawing a picture for a good friend and it felt wonderful to see her inspired to make art until she literally fell over (all to be kept in a folder entitled, 'folder of hard work,' nonetheless).

funny. being me...being close to who i am, makes me feel good all around...as a person, a friend and as a mom :)

now...now i gotta ride this art high until the wave breaks and i'm waiting for another...but first, sleep iris. sleep...

joe can't go

(my crazy mind got super excited about this old milk can i found the other day. i drove with it sitting next to me, buckled in, in the front seat of my truck. i even took photos of us together...)

ah. the dreams. the effin, friggin dreams.

okay, so, i hate to admit this but, maybe it's coffee. see, here's the deal though (in defense of the beautiful beans)...i'm feeling half insane lately anyway. season changes get me all excited, creatively speaking, and it's really hard to be/feel normal during these times. and this winter, the winter to spring transition, is incredibly long and drawn out. it's suckin. plus, there's the fact that i'm just busy...which keeps my brain in high gear. it just can't shut down? (it's okay coffee baby, i know you didn't mean it...it's not your fault. it's mine. really. i love you.)

the cool thing, things i spend time thinking on, during waking hours, have been happening. like, okay, i've been CRAVING a melding of creative minds lately but, alas (and yes, i'm a snot), i have none around me to play with. i love throwing ideas around with like-minded folk who don't give me that 'look' when an idea comes up but, instead, build off it. i love people who can, in any way, compliment what i do and how i think. anyway...this morning, in a dream, i got high (smells, colors, emotions, texture, etc...are commonplace but the feeling of intoxication...TOTALLY new), and i sat there with an old friend and we bounced things and toyed with things and we came up with things and hashed out things and decided what resources and talents we had individually and how we could take it all and pool it together and build things. (oh. and, because i was high, in my dream, i also laughed super hard and talked nonstop and couldn't sit still for a second.) and, in real life, i woke up with new ideas; i woke up with a head swimming in thought. it was ridiculous. but, i'll totally take it.

this weekend there's an art crawl [semi] in my area. i don't know anyone showing anything this year, but i think i'll make a real effort to get down there--just to scratch an itch. this weekend's already busy but i think i can squeeze it in. (saturday, i will be trying my hand at baking kolache's to hand out on mayday. after a long winter...i think the neighbors could use something like that and a baking day sounds perfect. sunday holds me delivering them and a photo shoot--i'm doing senior portraits. i've never done those but am, again, looking forward to trying my hand at it. the only debate...should i bring strangers home baked goods or not?)

so yeah. in conclusion, coffee is not the culprit of my crazy head. i am the culprit. therefore, coffee can stay but i should go...this blog has lost its point.

cuz it's 1,2,3 strikes you're OUT...

i call this group of photos...easter.

yup. started the day off with a cup of COFFEE! i made it through lent. i thought i'd go right back to drinking the stuff like crazy but i haven't; i've had two cups since sunday. (today's was combined with rain on my windows and bill withers singin' in my ears. it was perfect.)

after coffee, we headed west to the great mini-apple to enjoy the sunday afternoon ballgame and a cold beer. after we won the game and the kids ran the bases, i went home to an amazing, home-cooked meal, and the in-laws waiting for us to arrive.

sometimes though...things still feel missing. i spend more time trying to change my train of thought, accepting the missing feeling as the norm, than i do trying to explore the actual missing feeling. i guess that's how i work. i'm like a scab. i work to heal wounds, as opposed to staying open to see if there's another way to fix it and we all know wounds heal fastest when they're not picked at...

and i'm trying to picture a cute scab right now with chuck taylors and weird clothes. and i'm also gonna watch some more season 2, star trek and crash...

happy earth day!

(i ADORE earth day. my class and the pre-k class managed to pick up FOUR full bags of garbage today on our, 'clean up our little chunk of earth' walk...)

friday night has went like this...

'i'm gonna KICK the guy's ass in mortal kombat (again and as usual) and drink my italian red wine.'

to...

me creating next week's lesson plan and watching the kids put on performances to katy perry and elmo and the song, friday.

i do have paul simon, the stones, kris kristofferson, bob dylan, willie nelson, cigarettes and my wine in the background of it all...so, the way i see it, more has been gained than lost :)

lyrics just heard...

well i woke up sunday morning, with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt. and the beer i had for breakfast wasn't bad, so i had one more for dessert. then i fumbled through my closet for my clothes, and found my cleanest dirty shirt... on the sunday morning sidewalk, wishing, Lord, that i was stoned...

i love it when a song speaks to me like that.

(friday, friday, gotta get down on friday...)

((i couldn't help that last one...and yes, that song is hideously annoying, but, it's also catchy and cute and the girl's just a 13 year old girl who sang a song. and i like it more than i hate it.))

(((and also...this article is golden. parents...don't dress your girls like tramps. rebecca black is NOT dressed like a tramp and i love that about her and that makes me like her annoying song more than i should.)))

((((and one more thing...if you understand at ALL where i'm at, you're amazing and deserve a gold star.))))

beatin' a dead horse...or somethin...

(we thought it looked more like a beach where the water meets the sand...as opposed to the old hockey rink...)

(4.20. the kid had to put on gloves just to play at the playground...how sad.)

(puppy love...)

here...he said everything in one tweet that i tried to say in that whole ramshackle of a blog the other day...

this is a tweet from, AshGreyson, that was, consequently, retweeted by me.

"@hansonmusic Hipstamatic is the autotune of amateur photography."

yes. he nailed it. autotune makes lil wayne sound decent and his music palatable on the 'ol audible system...but it doesn't make him usher or anything.

phone apps make an average photo look great...but it doesn't make the photographer great. and i keep thinking about this because, well, this is what i do. i take photos. and to learn about what i do...i look at things, and i think, and i see things...and hipstamatic, instagram, etc..are incredibly trendy and cool and i see a lot of that stuff lately.

okay...addendum to previous rant complete. i'll probably leave this topic alone now... well, first, i'm gonna upload, to this blog, photos taken by my phone, with trendy apps i've installed :)

if i was a robot...i woulda short-circuited

(standing in the hail after the storm...the rainbow was beautiful :) )

all right. back on the saddle. i blame my freak outs on pms and extreme lack of sleep. it was a perfect storm and if i had been on a boat, sailing the ocean, i prolly woulda died. like george clooney. or mark walhberg?? oh wait. that was U-571. and oh wait again, that was bon jovie, not mark walhberg anyway. whatever. this is why i don't quote movies. it's as bad as me telling jokes. it just doesn't work.

anyway. in case you care...what happens is that i do way too many things. i photo for money, i work full time, plus semi-part time (i teach elementary art and preschool, so add in tons of prep time on top of the actual, in-work hours too), i volunteer, i have a relationship and i have a house (yard work, laundry, etc...) and i try to squeeze all of that stuff in during non-mom hours (cuz i also have a kid), leaving me with very little sleep and/or always overwhelmed. i never feel like i can get things done. and then when i don't get everything done, i feel like a total failure and me, being me, takes that really hard. i think i'm trying to live the stay-at-home-mom/full-time employee/activist/artist life all at the same time and all those things don't always work flawlessly together. (i'm writing as i'm baking pumpkin bread, responding to an email, editing photos, listening to the dishwasher and getting ready to tuck in the kid. i saw i had a few minutes to spare...so, here i am. next up, shower, pack lunches and snacks, pick out mine and the kid's clothes, apply for a new job, eat dinner and hopefully sleep...then, back up at 5:30. and...this is all after an 8.5 hour day w/o a break, a 1.5 hour dog walk with the kid, webkinz time with the kid, her dinner, dogs dinner and rainbow watching.) and don't get me wrong, i am BEYOND thankful to be healthy enough to do all of this with only the occasional snap...but i'm not mentally capable of doing it all at the level of perfection that i, as me, requires. if one thing gets messed up i tear myself apart over it. i'm eroding my rock away with my own waves. it's not healthy at all.

but at the same time...i don't know how to stop. my mind naturally works like this. it's all over the place. it has always been into the same things, had the same passions, same tastes, same quirks, etc...but it's always scattered. i can't see one thing through, nor focus enough from start to finish to even care if it's only half done. i'll finish someday. but i'm onto the next thing. and the next. and the next. and now...i can't spend even an hour without being busy. a sunday afternoon nap is a huge waste of time, as well as playing cards, or wine, or rockband. all things i LOVE...but i can't enjoy anymore because i feel i should be doing something productive. this is crazy! seriously. last monday's thrift store extravaganza was incredible. it was the first time i felt my own quiet, slightly introverted (albeit semi-crazy), voice come back. i just simply tuned out all the voices telling me i was wasting my day and i treasure-hunted and i wandered and i felt great. (though some form of self-medication was involved...) then...come seven o'clock that night, i was freaking out, in my head, about all the time i wasted.

this is insane. it needs to end. i need to focus. i need to get some sort of control back before anxiety attacks become the norm again. maybe i'm avoiding something by intentionally keeping so busy. or, maybe i'm too much of a yes-man who can do anything for anybody because that's what i do, or maybe i need meds to focus, or who the hell knows...i don't. i just know i gotta make myself slow down...srsly, the only times i ever take a break are when i'm sick and forced to...(which has happened A LOT this past season...huh, wonder why... ;) )

drowning in air

huh. anxiety attacks at work leave you in the parking lot at culvers eating a tuna melt. i'd be inside but the thought of hearing anything but MPR is painful.

i freaked last night too.

just too much going on. too much dependent on me. feeling all alone. every time i can't do it all i feel like i fail. every time i fail, i feel not good enough...pretty soon, self worth is low and i can't keep up and i start panicking and then i can't breath, like i'm drowning and my head gets all cloudy and i can't even figure out the simplest of things...like how to take a shower.

i suck.