so, yeah...

(so sweet. love <3)

so, yeah...(ya know...i start every sentence/thought with that lately. so, yeah. i just never know where i'm going with anything anymore.)

so, yeah...uh, here i am. eatin a romaine lettuce, cheese, mayo and garlic salt sandwich and watching charles in charge. it seems to be my comfort lately. makes me all happy and stuff so i'm sticking with it.

so, yeah...i don't really know what to say. i mean, i want to write. and i'm doing good privately, but this whole public thing when everything feels really private, isn't working for me. all that's on my mind lately are 'defining moment' thoughts and i can't write 'em out yet.

so yeah...i do know i'm definitely not eating enough, sleeping enough or thinking enough. i'm just doing and smiling and humming. i'm not entirely sure what's wrong with that but i feel guilty i'm not miserable enough. if that makes any sense.

so, yeah...

night and day

if i could photograph the sunny day,
if i could photograph the conflicting sounds,
if i could photograph the blurring colors,
if i could photograph the empty feelings,
if i could photograph the dark night...

i would.
but this is one thing that i can't capture.




honestly, i'm not sure i would--even if i could.

chirp

ok. so. sometimes, in my life (i know...this'll be hard to believe), i just end up feeling way more questioney than answery. (i know those probably aren't words, btw. sometimes, it's just easier to make up my own though. like tonight. my brain's all clogged up with questions...there isn't much room in there to figure out that whole english language thing...)

ya know. here i am. whining cuz i'm all full of questions and stuff but all that confusion doesn't even compare to the level of happy i am. i just am lately. i'm feeling 'got'. and i'm feeling like ME...like seriously, i'm remembering things that made me happy...things i've forgotten. i'm waking up remembering old favorite foods, the way i ate my oatmeal, the things that i really loved doing and the feelings of complete comfort that went along with them all. i'm thinking more like how i always remember thinking. i'm sleeping awesome. my dreams aren't like they were by any means...they're fun again. i'm feeling more like me than i have in YEARS. all these things that are flooding back to me...triggered by one chance event. i'm feeling so insane in all this but for the first time in forever, not bad insane. just regular old me insane. my gaurd is so down...and you're not giving me that look. you're not calling me crazy. you're not telling me how weird i am. you're not walking away because you have no idea what to say. you just get it. i am so in love with me again...and i only have you to think.

big bug...like a spider. can't ignore...

(why quack?? why...)

all right. so, if you've been around this side of the web for awhile and followed anything i've written in these past coupleish years (also, i apologize if you have)...then you will know wholeheartedly my struggles with many things...mostly, sobriety and cubes.

anyway, so. yeah. ok. see, i don't even know where to go with this. ok...well, here goes. (disclaimer:: i am sorry for any offense that will inevitably be taken by reading this. i am not a complainer about individual people. i love all peeps. everyone brings something to to the table...it's your mind that lets you enjoy it or not. so, when you open that thing up and let it actually BE the person you're with...it makes everyone, at most, absolutely, down-to-the-core, i think i'm in love, amazing...and, at least, entertaining for the time being. all-in-all, everyone is pleasantly palatable. oh, and i'm not complaining about anyone in specific...just peeps as a whole.)

so, i went back to my old place of employment. it's like moving back home after being out on your own...you know it's the best idea. you know it's healthy. you know it's easy. you know it's safe and you know it'll be a great place to establish yourself again. however, when you walk back into your parents place, suitcase in one hand, crushed dreams in the other and all you can smell is the putrid smell of defeat emanating from your mom's oven. (a.k.a, meatloaf. yes. mom's meatloaf is exciting...but it's not the new thai place down the road from your old apt that you hadn't quite had the chance to try yet exciting. it's not midnight movie theatre popcorn exciting. it's not a spur of the moment, road trip, little cafe exciting...nope. it's the same thing you've been eating all your life. and you smile and you feel thankful, but you don't feel that smile inside...you feel failure. that's your ego talking...and for a girl without that much of an ego...mine sure is loud lately.)

yeah. the job i speak of is that fresh out of high school one. the one i had when i didn't know what i was doing in and with my life. the one i had when my biggest care in the world was how my ass looked in my work pants (ok...that maybe still ranks up there in the top five things i care most about...don't judge). the one i had when i had all these plans for all i'd be doing by the exact age i am now...but alas, here i am. i'm back there. it turns out that all i thought i wanted to be doing, i hated. it turns out that what i should have done in the first place, i had figured out by the time i was six--but ignored because of what other people said.

so, i'm back where i started. i can't figure out if i feel more like i failed; or, if i feel more like i'm finally starting shit off right; or, if i feel like this whole thing is one giant cop out. i guess all that can really be said for anything in life--is that right now, at this moment, i'm right where i'm supposed to be... (that was my moment of faith for the day, btw...)

hey! there wasn't anything offensive in there! i guess i just didn't want to sound all holier than thou, or superior, or snotty, or anything...and i didn't! i didn't even try not to. it just happened. i was accidentally nice. i rock.

(((p.s. i refuse to edit my blog tonight. after staring for so long at these words...trying to make my feelings make any sense at all...i just quit. that's right...take that you misplaced semi-colon and you, missing comma...screw you ALL.)))

m & m's

so, i found a new, incredible, candy. i have been eating a ton of it lately...like, well, it's pretty much all i eat. but it's not making me sick or anything...in fact, i'm only liking it more. it's almost all of what i've always hoped to find, mixed into one, and it's making me feel really good. i'm pretty sure it can't be good thing that i'm so addicted to this, i mean...i'll stop before i get a stomach ache and all...well, i'll slow down anyway...but right now...i feel like i've found it.

for the first time in my life, after i figured i was the one and the only one, it's here and i'm here, and it's good. yeah. my last, major favorite i found, was pineapple flavored soda. that was a LONG time ago, and i still cherish it...so, i think i'll be good...i know i will actually...

aventura

(mostly, i reside way out there. in the outfield. staring at the clouds...)

frick. just frick.

i'm taking something to sleep tonight. i have to make my mind be quiet for a bit. it's just so loud lately. so many questions. so few answers. so much wonder. so little definite. so much positive radiating from me. so much happy. so many smiles--they're mostly cuz i don't feel i speak the language lately and smiling seems quite universal--but, regardless, i'm still smiling so much it hurts.

no time to stop though--just have to keep swimming i spose. somethin will eat me. probably. gotta keep my eye on the prize. gotta keep the focus where it needs to be. can't stop swimming. can't float off. gotta stay grounded.

*sigh*

i just keep telling myself that my problem isn't that i'm an idiot or that i'm insane...it's really that i'm full of passion and depth. and ya know...i should really just face it...my IQ is only slightly higher than that houseplant and i'm more frickin insane than that mad hatter man from alice's adventure. no if's, and's or but's. it's just the way it is. no sugar coatin the truth i spose.

but...how do i fix a part of me that makes up who i am, just so i can stay who i am...? is it broken then? or has it just become me? like a tree growing through a tire? it's just there...

ok...so that sleeping pill kicked in and it has invaded my brain, like a snake. there ar no straight thoughts or right answers with me right now...at least that's what the zinnia's are saying...i may just go listen to them for while. my keyboard is warped and pissing me off anyawy.

i like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress

so, this weekend. yeah...this weekend i unbored-ed myself. through a a ton of smoke one night and a buncha wine the next, i am feeling perfect again. like, so perfect i pretty much hate it. i also pretty much remember most of my weekend too. well, the wine night there's a few missing pieces but other than that i'm cool. here's a montage of the highlights.

::fog, lights, disco ball, confetti, glitter::cool people, pretty people::adorable, flirty girls who like girls::

::dancin, dancin, dancin::smokey hazes::laughin till i pretty much pee::

::wine::talking fast and furious::live bands and loud music::

::cigarettes::messy tomatoes::textin, textin, textin::

::no sleep::downtown party::mj::good food

::stupid tv's::retro workout tapes::

*sigh*

i had about a rockstar weekend. i needed it so bad. i needed good people and good conversation. i needed to not care. i needed to quit thinking and just do it. i needed to let loose. i needed to dance. i needed to be told everything i was told. i needed to not be in charge. i needed a caretaker for a bit. i needed a friend and a sister. i needed to listen to everything i wanted to do and not at all to what anyone else said. i needed to feel normal.

it will be great to sleep in my bed though. like, super great. i'm a little tired...totally runnin on adrenaline at this point. well, adrenaline and the black eyed peas.