aventura

(mostly, i reside way out there. in the outfield. staring at the clouds...)

frick. just frick.

i'm taking something to sleep tonight. i have to make my mind be quiet for a bit. it's just so loud lately. so many questions. so few answers. so much wonder. so little definite. so much positive radiating from me. so much happy. so many smiles--they're mostly cuz i don't feel i speak the language lately and smiling seems quite universal--but, regardless, i'm still smiling so much it hurts.

no time to stop though--just have to keep swimming i spose. somethin will eat me. probably. gotta keep my eye on the prize. gotta keep the focus where it needs to be. can't stop swimming. can't float off. gotta stay grounded.

*sigh*

i just keep telling myself that my problem isn't that i'm an idiot or that i'm insane...it's really that i'm full of passion and depth. and ya know...i should really just face it...my IQ is only slightly higher than that houseplant and i'm more frickin insane than that mad hatter man from alice's adventure. no if's, and's or but's. it's just the way it is. no sugar coatin the truth i spose.

but...how do i fix a part of me that makes up who i am, just so i can stay who i am...? is it broken then? or has it just become me? like a tree growing through a tire? it's just there...

ok...so that sleeping pill kicked in and it has invaded my brain, like a snake. there ar no straight thoughts or right answers with me right now...at least that's what the zinnia's are saying...i may just go listen to them for while. my keyboard is warped and pissing me off anyawy.

i like the groove of your walk, your talk, your dress

so, this weekend. yeah...this weekend i unbored-ed myself. through a a ton of smoke one night and a buncha wine the next, i am feeling perfect again. like, so perfect i pretty much hate it. i also pretty much remember most of my weekend too. well, the wine night there's a few missing pieces but other than that i'm cool. here's a montage of the highlights.

::fog, lights, disco ball, confetti, glitter::cool people, pretty people::adorable, flirty girls who like girls::

::dancin, dancin, dancin::smokey hazes::laughin till i pretty much pee::

::wine::talking fast and furious::live bands and loud music::

::cigarettes::messy tomatoes::textin, textin, textin::

::no sleep::downtown party::mj::good food

::stupid tv's::retro workout tapes::

*sigh*

i had about a rockstar weekend. i needed it so bad. i needed good people and good conversation. i needed to not care. i needed to quit thinking and just do it. i needed to let loose. i needed to dance. i needed to be told everything i was told. i needed to not be in charge. i needed a caretaker for a bit. i needed a friend and a sister. i needed to listen to everything i wanted to do and not at all to what anyone else said. i needed to feel normal.

it will be great to sleep in my bed though. like, super great. i'm a little tired...totally runnin on adrenaline at this point. well, adrenaline and the black eyed peas.

i was beggin you not tonight, not here, not now...

(wild gnome hunting is lonely when done in solitary form...)

unplugging's been good so far. (there's nights when it all wears on me, like tonight. i get lonely...online becomes my only social outlet. been trying to keep that to two nights a week. just need to get used to it, i guess.) been taking more time to clean during the day; trying to pass the time doing my own thing. like cleaning mostly. i guess.

been pretty body focused too. whatever that means. keeping the nails painted, eyebrows plucked, going for the run, getting sun, taking care of my skin, eating little bits all day...mostly trying not to get obsessive and winding up at the doctor's again, all while being obsessive. it all keeps me feeling good about myself though, and confident--which some days, when i walk into target wearing sweats and flip-flops to buy milk for breakfast the next morning, makes ALL the difference in the world. it makes me feel wonderful to look at my shiny toes, soft skin, brushed hair and ten pounds lighter frame while i'm walking aimlessly toward a clearance rack looking like total trash. i think that's the difference lately between me being miserable and me being perfectly happy. just knowing i'm taking care of myself. there's such a fine line between that and self-destruction for me though. so far, i'm staying pretty well grounded on the right side and i am thankful everyday about that because i know me well. and i know how i struggle...

oh...and on top of all this, i've just been soaking myself in music. it's wonderful. anything from the beatles and fallout boy to willie and stevie--with tons mixed in between...i'm there. it's incredible what a cup of strong coffee in the morning with blink's cheshire cat album can do to me.

oh, and speaking of music--very funny pandora. yellowcard. at this very moment, with these exact thoughts--you play that exact song. the volume, needless to say, is way up and a whole lot more will get written in this blog that will yes, be inevitably deleted.

*sigh*

but, i'm bored

i need to unplug. seriously. wtf am i supposed to accomplish if i'm just online? i'm finding myself using the keys as a tool to be lazy. yes, my only social outlet is currently facebook but i have to massivly cut the time. i'm bored with so much in general currently...and now, i find myself staring at facebook to pass the time. not cool. so not cool.

if you have nothing nice to say, blah, blah, blah...

it rained today. a lot.

also, i think that i really miss the spartans on snl. you know...will ferrell and cheri oteri. they were hilarious. snl has been really funny these last couple of years--but, well, as i'm watching the best of will ferrell, i'm missing them stupid cheerleaders.

oh. and also...ugh. dreams. whatever. i'm dealing and i'm done talking about them. my boyfriend is holding them against me. yep. because i can control my dreams. whatev. i can control what i talk about anyway.

i'm kind of in a lousy mood i think...as i type, i'm having a hard time finding anything nice to say. i am cracking up at will ferrell doing alec trebek though. i think i should just try to sleep. i have a few hours before it will actually happen anyway...

bombs away

(a friend said...let the dreams inspire you. so...i got dreamy)

last night...the chinese invaded. i fled the major fighting zones though, only to find some sort of slavery/solace in a half destroyed building full of americans who were hiding from the conflict as well, but still being controlled by the chinese.

when i woke up, because things were too intense, i felt better--until i dozed back off, only to re-enter the war zone, in which conditions had drastically worsened, and meet up with another girl and a guy. we managed to just barely escape the bombs, the capture and all the shooting and went off to lead a rebel uprising.

i'm a little scared to sleep tonight...

that's a funny one...

(this is entitled, 'barbies. drying.' i know...lame-o...)

last night, i took tylenol pm. i slept. it was a miracle...a modern day, medicinal miracle. or somethin like that...

this morning, i had just one dream. it was majorly messed up. there was fbi, cia, the mob, physical assaults, drugs, john hughes movies, michael jackson, birthday parties and lots of kids, rollerblades, cracked coffee cups, helicopters, my cabin, serets and a heroes character. unfortunetly, that's all i can say about it though. i'm noticing a pattern in my dreams, which is good, i guess. i don't like the pattern though and it's a a pretty transparent pattern for those that know me...so i'm just going to be quiet on things for now. apparently, it's something that my sub-conscious mind is a bit stuck on lately...though my regular mind doesn't seem too affected by it.

*sigh*

so...um...how do you get your sub-conscious over something? maybe i need hypnotherapy or something? like in office space--when that guy got hypnotherapy and then got 'normal'. ugh.

or maybe time will just take care of it...

hah!