i really don't know...

i can't post anymore. seriously. my facebook, my myspace...nothin. i can't do it.

it all started the other night...i was the evening i had taken a bad combo of drugs. ok...that sounded terrible...i accidentally took a nighttime sinus medication with a glass of wine. i was fighting the over-bearing tired that was kicking in...i didn't know why i was so tired and i was annoyed due to it--because it was only 9:00 and i had stuff to do. it was at that moment, this voice in my head started just cutting me down. all my photos, all my writing, me as a person, i just couldn't stop thinking about what a horrendous failure i am and how terrible everything i do is.

it didn't make me depressed or anything and i'm NOT fishing for compliments, it was just so odd. like anything good anyone has ever said about me and/or my work became an instant lie...a mere patronization of an annoying, won't-she-just-go-away, wannabe artist. my confidence in anything i do has plummeted to an all time low...it's terrible. i know i'll shake it, at least, i hope i will.

it's so oddly karma-ish i just keep thinking. just a few days prior to the fall, i was feeling quite high on my life and several recent, personal, accomplishments--and now, now i can hardly bring myself to post a photo. i'm ok with it, but seriously--posting a photo used to be second nature to me and now, i can't even imagine doing it, all because my head went nuts. i'm going to do it this time because i always post a photo with a blog. i keep taking pictures at least...it's not my creativity that's hurting, just my general mindset and confidence levels. i haven't really figured out how fix this one, i don't really think i can undo the deep cutting damage done by that stupid voice. it's not fading the way dream emotions do (see that one blog i did last week if that doesn't make sense), it's just hanging on in the back of me. it's weird. it's like putting on weight...you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it overnight...you just have to work it off, way slower than the time it took to put it on.

oh...i'm, um, going through that right now as well...

in the midnight hour, i can your power

i woke up this morning after a night of messed up dreaming. (my dreams have been so intense and vivid lately, i wake up feeling like i watched some weird little art-house, indy flick all night instead of sleeping. i've actually confused dream with reality several times lately.) anyway, i woke up in love with bad news. like completely, head over feet, he's all i can think about, i need to find him and run away with him, kind of in love. it's awful. and, of course, i know it'll pass, as it always does. (every few months i have a dream like this...where i wake up and the emotion is so strong that my mind thinks it's real.) the dream that started all this lovey-dovey, blush-at-the-thought-of-him romance was so stupid too. there was nothing sexual or anything...just emotions or something. the bulk of the dream was on the set of the price is right and at my dad's house. the male co-star of the dream was someone i happen to know all-to-well and has a lovely history of lying continuously to me. in this dream we talked and i KNEW he was being honest...for the first time ever. weird thing was--i never said a word through this whole dream, i just listened and was almost like a ghost. i just watched and i watched through his eyes too (for some reason, in my dream, since we have the same color eyes, i could morph in-between the two of our bodies.) bottom line, is that i'm pretty sure i'm fifteen again and crushing on that boy behind me in spanish class...it's that same freakin intensity and it's annoying as hell. does this happen to anyone else? ever?

ya know, i'm getting tired of feeling crazy lately. normally, i chalk it up as simply part of my charm, but lately, it's over-running my life. i cut out the drinking, except for at the parties...the smoking is still an issue, but that's usually the time i feel and act the most sane, productive and solid. i've been sober a couple of days now and now the dreams have kicked back in. i woke up freaking out last night, twice, over completely unrelated dreams and then this morning, i'm in love. i'm exhausted. i had such a healthy, mellow day yesterday too...just housework, yardwork, structure, creativity and imagination, all topped off with an elementary school visit and tour. it was great and normal feeling; i was busy from start to finish and accomplished a ton. it's like, i'm not crazy on the outside so much...yes, i dress weird and do strange stuff, but my crazy mind gets that saner outside of me in some pretty big trouble from time to time and i make some pretty poor choices. (i am, proudly, five days, self-destructive decision, free :) oh wait, i had like ten shots of 100 proof alcohol on Saturday night...ok, make that three days.)

i really feel good today

today is a good day. it's funny because the days you're not at work, you feel like such a slacker. but, as of 12:30 today, here's what i've accomplished:

::i showered
::i re-strung two of the four lines to hang laundry on.
::i've done, so far, 4 loads of laundry (most of it's still hanging out to dry...so i haven't folded yet.)
::i got the hose out, did some watering and planted some seeds.
::i made smoothies.
::plus, mixed in with it all, i've had loose tooth emergencies all day. my kid's top tooth is so loose, it's just hanging there. she keeps biting on it wrong, causing it to bleed, causing her to cry. i don't know why she won't just yank it, but she won't--instead, she just stays stressed.

i have a ton more to do today too. i have some photos i want to take, work and school to prep for for tomorrow, a compost pile that needs some turning, more seeds to plant, dog poop to pick up, a first grade open house to go to and i want to finish laundry.

*sigh* lunch is almost over. i gotta go back to my slacking...

honk. beep. jerk.

(flash)

(flash)

(no flash)

so yesterday, right as i was getting home after an hour long commute, i thought...if i come around that turn and there's a giant alien stomping on cars, what i am going to do? i had no plan, so i quick made one and by the time i got to the corner had actually started envisioning what the monster will look like. turns out, there were no aliens after all, which was good--as my plan of playing dead seemed kind of weak anyway.

it was at that moment...i started to think of all the things that i had thought of in the last few minutes and i quick made a list of them, for bloggin purposes only. here are my blog safe thoughts...(i wanted to do the same today but my only thought, the whole way home, was definitely NOT blog-safe.)

1) country music sucks lately. like for the past couple of years, there's been very, very few memorable songs. they're all so freakin sappy. whatever happened to drunk country music sung by a guy in jail...

2) that new eminem song is terrible. he sounds like a stroke victim with half of his english accent left, who's also taking estrogen pills, which are causing his voice to rise. i'm sorry. that was mean. no, i'm not sorry. that song sucks. it sounds like he spliced two totally different songs together and then filled in the gaps with bad celebrity jokes he ripped off from the new guy doing stand-up at the local comedy club.

3) my ass is getting flat. i sit too much. (this thought only came after i had sat on the same spot of the highway for three minutes without so much as moving an inch. apparently, someone's car had stalled on the shoulder and everyone had to slow down because they had never seen a parked car before. jerks. my ass was getting flatter by the second.)

4) i hate chex mix so much. i love those gardetto things, but chex mix--disgusting. oh. i did try the turtle kind though. omg. that stuff is amazing. i actually ate a whole bag once--by accident. it was all there and then like 40 minutes later, it was gone.

5) i'm afraid i may be addicted to a cd. could that be possible? the songs that hurt are my favorite (lyrics example of one of them: "i know this hurts, it was meant to"--see what i mean? no? that's cool. me neither.) bottom line...i think i'm addicted to pain. not in a freaky way though. just in the way that it makes me think a lot better, deeper and more productive thoughts than when i'm happy. when i'm happy, i just smile stupidly and chirp along with that stupid taylor swift lady. (when i finally broke off the chains of addiction that that cd had had me tied up in, and turned on the top 40 station--love story was on...gotta love that taylor swift and her great music.) (no. i don't know either if i was being sarcastic there or not. i'm actually torn as to exactly what i feel about her.)

nowhere near brilliant

(nope...you don't get a photo tonight...you get a picture i colored. whatever. look, i just found out how to use a scanner. it's exciting. shut it)

i don't have much to say tonight. in fact, i don't even know why i'm on this page, typing these words into this computer. i was just drawn here. hold on, maybe i have something brilliant to say and i was meant to come here to let it out...hold on....um...wait...i can feel it...it's on the tip of my tongue...hold it...guess not. i really have nothing. i've thoroughly wasted my time; but, most of all, i've wasted yours. sorry.

now i feel like i should say something. OH. i got somethin. i had the strangest dreams last night. there was one with this abandoned lake house with a light colored wooden dock that bent to the left on a dusty blue/green pond, with spring green weeds all around it blowing lightly in the breeze. the sky was a dusty blue/grey/yellow combo (it was like a monet up to here) and then, there was a tornado that came out of nowhere and i had to break into the house to go down into the basement. for real. it was pretty intense. i think people died but i can't remember for sure. come to think of it, all of my dreams have been pretty crazy lately...vivid and full of story. wonder why?

ok...now i feel like i've told you something. it was a pretty stupid something, but it works.

i'm going to go keep listening to willie nelson now.

crash. ouch.

(i balled melon today)

so this week, i am planning the escape. it's gonna be a big one...life's gonna be changin for me in huge ways.
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damn. that sounded so dramatic...and then, i just sat here and stared at those words, wondering what the hell it is exactly that i'm doing and what action i'm taking to get where i want. yeah...so i blanked. i got nothin. i'm just doing lots of thinking and weighing worst case scenarios and wondering how hard it actually will be to get back up when i hit the ground. not saying i will for sure...i just know me. i fall a lot.

high as a vodka-smoked kite

(i got new glasses. they're the best)

my weekend is a workin weekend; it's my turn to be 'on'. i love the city on the weekend. *sigh* it's actually enjoyable...not just a buncha khaki-colored personalities dressed in office attire roaming around like zombies with cups of designer coffee they 'splurged' on because they just aren't happy lately. god i can't do it, i'm freakin out, i gotta escape before they get me...aaaahhhh! woody! help! get the zombies!! wait. what? yeah....next topic...

so, last night, i broke my no-more-alcohol clause by, well, drinking alcohol. i didn't drink much, just enough to make me feel invincible for 45 minutes before the reality of being human sunk in and i passed out. i felt fine this morning but not fine at the same time, ya know? i really don't like to drink. i wish you could just smoke vodka...wait, can you? i mean, i know you can't but could you...? that would be great.