t-day...still style

(my contribution to dinner was simply a pie. we went to my guys family's house for t-day. i've learned not to throw it at my home...due to mi familia.)

(it looked so beautiful. and then i baked it. yuck. other people loved it...i cringe at the thought of ever having to eat it again.)

(there it is...in aluminum foil...just festering under there...)

(my very cool sis-in-law smushing taters. we took home about 5 pounds of extras. plus, i bought ten pounds of idaho ones...they were 1.99 at target for ten pounds...i could not pass it up...now i have to figure out what to do with 15 pounds of potatoes...)

(apparently people eat BIRDS on thanksgiving...weird.)

(i love food and family that understands i don't eat that mammal stuff. they always take the time to make me chicken-stock free stuffing and wild rice. it's just so sweet and caring. seriously...that sounds cheesy but i mean it...)

(it was a loud evening...what is it about kids and piano's that compels them to play as loud as possible? i like it...i was the SAME way.)

too tired for words

'i do it just to feel alive'

(ok...so my dude actually TOOK this...i edited though...really...)

welcome back me :)

i went on vacation. self-imposed, but much needed.

my job sucks my soul out of me...well, that and all the cigs i smoke to combat the soul-sucking job that is.

it's all just so stupid. absolutely, positively fucking stupid. work, work, work...there's no room to really live in the monotony of the routine, is there? and screw all them nay sayers who are like...you should just count your blessing that you have a job. no. i count my blessings that i have my creativity and my health--the things that make me, me...that's gone though...the creativity that it, so what have i got...health...? health to get me to work and back...i also have: rush hour, bitter cups of coffee, frozen lunches, cans of soda, a shit-ton of e-mails telling me what to do next and a few more cups-a joe...cold most of the time, mind you...

it's sad, because i do love my job. i work at a museum...a pretty cool one at that. i'm proud of my work too. it's just so unrewarding in the paycheck vs responsibilities department, ya know...? like seriously...responsibilites have strangled the hourly wage until its eye's popped out of the few george washington's that eventually ended up in my hand...minus uncle sam's cut that is. at least i don't have to worry about paying for health insurance...i don't have that. and i do have overtime pay...which is good. i need to put in o.t. to make up for any day i need to stay home...i don't get p.t.o either. god. i'm such a bitch. listen to me...all complainin' and stuff. to think...i could be back waitressing making a measly 20 or so bucks an hour.

gaaaaaarrrrrrrrg.

whew. i feel better now, i think. actually no, i know i do. it's the beginning of my three day weekend and i've had a few glasses of wine--my first drinks in over two weeks, not quite three but definitely more than two. it feels good too. it feels like that deep down happy i love and that's truly deep down me. it doesn't feel like stress or chaos...it feels smily and content. it feels like i want to attempt to solve the problems of the world with a smoke in one hand and a glass of wine in the other and with rambly sentences that have nowhere to go but into space. it feels like jim croce the night before thanksgiving without a care in the world about lay offs, money, weight and family issues. it feels like a happy turkey day despite being a vegetararian. it feels like i can laugh at the things that normally make my eyes well up with the tears that sting my cheeks...sometimes happiness can be found at the bottom of a bottle, i swear. every time? no. it will be the death of the happiness if you let it become you...if you try to use it every night to find the real you...the happy...you won't find it. you'll just keep searching. i like wine every couple-a weeks. i like a lot of wine every couple-a weeks a lot. i like remembering that deep down...under all that bull shit...there is happy. i do like happy. a lot :)

w.w.j.d man...w.w.j.d...?

so today, while my guy was at the car place getting the oil changed, smoking cigarettes and talking WoW...i wandered over to the mall. old navy had a clearance rack full of .97 cent skirts and shorts :) i got five. five bucks for five new skirts that i can easily wear to work...i just need to invest in a few pairs of tights--due to this whole winter thing and stuff. it's freakin cold out there.

so, as i write, i'm watching barbara walters talk to the pregnant man. i just don't get what the big deal is...? they're a couple that wanted to have a baby...ok, most couples do. they did whatever it took to have a baby...ok, many couples do that as well. so, just because the man was once a woman it's this huge deal...? it's no secret he used to be a woman...so why is everyone so shocked he can carry a child...?

stupid people i tell ya.

all these pro-life, yay jesus folk are out there pointing fingers and shaking them hard at this couple...calling them names and shunning them, but what about that baby? hurt the parents and the child will feel it. we all knew when our parents were sad...we felt it. so while all these folks walking with jesus each sunday shun this family, they're missing out on the difference they could make by just actually walking by jesus...by walking their talk...by opening their heart to this family and that child. these people who are allowing themselves to hate and judge are allowing the devil to convince them that pride isn't deadly. i just don't understand...

ah yes you hardcore christians, i hate that you're shocked when people judge you as closed minded and hateful...you're the reason that stereo-type exsists in the first place. this is just one more example of it... you just don't think for yourselves.

hey...i actually wrote something

so the other day i woke up, and due to my like of the show pushing daisies and a fit of o.c.d., i decided to make a pie. it was the awesome-est pie ever. i left one special piece for today but there was a little green dot on it :(

stupid mold.
why didn't i refrigerate it it?
stupid me.

i decided to have a glass of wine instead.

so, i saw my crazy ex today. he's well. he was with his daughter playing at my work--and texted me to say so. it was brief. there's something about him that tickles my creative side though...even in the swiftness of our encounter today. all that depression and stress of that idiotic daily grind melts away when he's around...i crave adventure and i'm young and i'm overcome by the desire to do more with my creativity when i'm with him. i'm embarassed to admit to him that i lose it sometimes...so i tell him i'm good. and happy. and that everything's well. good thing we don't talk often...

i still can't figure out if he's my crack, my ibuprofin, my security blanket or my crutch...either way...he always gets me in trouble. i guess that outweighs everything else...or so they say.

nothing

finally, it's bed time

(snow drops in my back yard...kinda like teardrops on my guitar, but not quite...ok, not at all)

so my last night, in a nut shell, consisted of this:

dinner. two beers.
lame bar. one beer.
hoppin ghetto bar. four beers. one shot.
mellow karaoke bar. one beer.
best friends house. one beer.

the night was full of great conversation and lots of cigarettes and ended for me around six a.m., on my best friend's couch, with the stray cat we had just found outside...