*snore*

(a new painting given to me by a great friend)

i couldn't post last night due to a sleep over.

my kid had her best friend here and they wanted to watch a movie...and since, according to the five year old, i'm a terrible mom who won't let her have a tv in her room, i borrowed the kids my laptop to watch their movie on.

anyway...i'll write more tomorrow...tonight, after a great day of friends, video games and pizza delivery, i'm exhausted...

i'll miss you seasonal 75% off seasonal clearance...i'll be back

(red shoes. the last clearance item i plan to purchase until my equipment is paid off...)

so my massive purchase...well, it all started last week.

i was home, alone, and feeling lonely and sorry for myself. so, along with the food that was keeping me company, i decided to shop. i typed in amazon.com and searched for camera lenses.

i found the one i wanted: 550.00.
then i needed the hood and filter: 45.00.
next i looked for a new tripod, strictly out of curiosity, and i accidentally found one i loved...that and the quick release plate: 130.00.
then, after deciding that if i was going to purchase these things, i might as well order the new battery i needed along with the memory card: 60.00.
and then i was like...wow, i have nothing to carry this stuff in so i added on a backpack made for my camera and accessories: 40.00.
with all the shipping and handling...almost 900.00.
(this could be made into the photographers edition of if you give a mouse a cookie btw...)

i sat on the order until monday morning. see, i had thought a lot about it and then, on sunday night, i had this dream that finally talked me into it...i crashed into a 1950's collector car and thought to myself...damn, now i can't justify that big purchase. then, i woke up, realized that i didn't really do that, rolled over and clicked 'buy now.'

this is a huge purchase for me. the third biggest i've made in my life...right behind my two vehicles. i need to spend money to make money right...? i KNOW this was a sound investment for me but it's hard to know how much i just spent without feeling a little nauseous. at the same time...I AM SO EXCITED! i am getting what i need...remember when i mentioned that seven-year plan i have? yeah, well i need to start somewhere--and a crappy tripod with small, standard lens will not get me there... plus, will i ever really have the money to do this?

i have sworn off eating out at lunch, bottles of wine, random clearance items, store-bought coffee, junk food crap from the vending machine...including twix...and anything else that would only benefit me. it's gonna suck, but it will only be like this until it's all paid off.

if anyone wants to buy me a candy bar, it would be greatly appreciated though...

goodnight...

i hit up the zoo today with a good friend and my kid. i also made a massive purchase...but i'll write about that tomorrow...right now, i'm tired.

thanks for ALL you do :)

my best friend had his pre-deployment tonight. we partied last night too. i love his [my second] family and i love him :)

preventative maintance

i figured i should do a quick post now. i plan to be drunk in a couple of hours.

to be honest...i hate this blog, the pic isn't that great and i hate writing about feelings. i just had to vent.

(in honor of my kid achieving her life-long dream! finally...a trophy!)

i had intended on posting last night--but connectivity issues, coupled with my insecurities starting an argument...well, i figured it was a sign to just shut up.

i've had some insecurity issues come up lately that haven't plagued me in awhile...it's funny because i can be so solid and focused with my career and parenting but when it comes to relationships and personal health, i am dreadful. i am flighty, i am in it for the moment, i am non-committal, non-serious and way too lackadaisical. i know these things and to be quite honest, i am perfectly happy being that way. my partner...yeah, not so much. and can you blame him? mr. serious , stable and driven, meet ms. flighty, impulsive and unpredictable...good luck. i hope you work out. yeah right. it's the way it is over here though and the more i try to change the more i seem to rebound. i'm like a freakin rubber band...i can pull and pull and pull one way and i can stay like that for awhile but eventually i give. i don't know what irritates me more either...the fact that i feel the need to constantly be pulling myself just to fit in, or the fact that i can't make myself simply fit in. i can't decide. sometimes i feel apologetic for who i am, other times i feel angry i can't just be who i am. sometimes i feel incredible guilty for not being able to be better, other times i feel proud to be who i am. i would never want to hurt anyone in this tornado i'm always spinning but i can't successfully stop it long-term...so how could someone not get hurt. i have tried so hard. so, is the answer to seek help in changing who i am? or is it living with who i am and shifting my life in order to accommodate me? or is it to keep squashing this square me into that round them? i don't know really--but i know damn well it's not that i don't try. i don't mean to be this way; i don't mean to not be good enough for you...

i'll just keep treading water for now and hope that my top doesn't fall off or that the life guard doesn't leave...either one would destroy me in their own ways. but really, when you just keep treading water for hours, both are bound to happen i guess. maybe all that treading time should be spent thinking about how i'm going to deal with those scenarios and not just looking around, enjoying the sun and waves. maybe you have no clue what the hell i just wrote...i'm not sure do either but somehow it makes sense...

james spader = awesomeness

(my kids masterpiece...she was SO proud of this...)

i'm watching stargate. the movie. it's pretty dang good.

that's about all i got today. my mind's been in job mode lately. oh, and on my lip too. it's pierced and my kid rammed me with her head. the inside of it got all cut. it feels like a big canker sore in there now. it's terrible, so i'm wearing an annoying ass hoop to try to let it heal a bit. i don't know what's more irritating...the hoop or the swelled up, burning cut inside...