i got broke

yeah. i watched bees again. they're much easier to capture in photograph form when it's chilly out as they move real slow.

today...i prefer the term hot mess, i guess. it's better than 'hungover loser' or anything else that insinuates i didn't attempt to look this awesome.

i officially sobered up around ten this morning despite the massive amount of alcohol i threw back up last night. nothin' like throwing up on an empty stomach after six shots of brandy and a dozen cigarettes. the cold, autumn wind helped wake me up as i snuggled my paper cup of hot coffee between my hands to keep them from losing all ability to move this morning. i really wasn't as tired as i should have been after the couple of hours of restless sleep i got. i didn't dream last night...i think my brain was physically unable to find the REM state...which is fine, i didn't feel like dreaming; i had enough on my mind as is.

here's the story...i go out to a gallery opening to see a friend's work...i told ya that already. i hang out, talk, socialize with other artists and complete strangers and then my world gets shook up by such a happily familiar face, a ghost of a best friendship and memories that i was not emotionally prepared to have surface and i dealt with it by freaking out inside...while trying not to let it show on the outside. out of all the places, in all the world, at all the times. yeah. it was so empty to think of the awesomeness that got lost in the bad decisions. i was in the same place, with someone who i proudly considered my bestgood friend and for all the rest of the room knew, we were complete strangers. after the tension, the nerves, the insecurities, the vulnerability and the general awkwardness of the night i went home and still tried to stay quiet--yet it all surfaced, and doubt and blame and mistrust comes back and i drank instead of going to bed, like i knew a sane person would have. but, once i started drinking, i didn't want to stop. so, i kept going. and i spewed nonsense about politics and fashion and careers and art and i never made one coherent point and i listened to fall out boy and blink and foster the people. then, i hit the wall. and i knew i was done. i threw up all over the bathroom and i stood there, looking at myself in the mirror...looking at my black, swollen eyes, not recognizing myself at all and smelling nothin' but brandy and vomit and thinking about what a fucking mess i was. and i was mad at myself for being so paper thin and so able to be blown over by such a small wind. and i picked at the weird sliver in my lip (no clue) and started attacking myself, in my own head, for being such a loser. but, this was my first time out of the house in so long and ya know what? shit just messes with ya sometimes. period. and i closed my eyes and i took a deep breath and i felt my feet, firmly on the ground. and i chalked it up to that, that shit just messes with ya sometimes. and i wiped my hands of it. and brushed my teeth. and i crawled into bed after losing my pants and one sock along the way. and at 7:30...i rolled out of bed, choked down a granola bar and a few ibuprofen, stumbled into the shower, threw on a short red skirt, yellow sweater, black legwarmers and a jean jacket, and i started my day. and i packed up my art supplies and headed to a ritzy, suburban art fair full of happy, shopping people who wanted their kids to paint with me. and the wind blew and the clouds never parted but i smiled, and laughed, and stayed as charming as possible, and painted, and talked of my love of fall, and art, and photography and had an amazingly, uplifting time. and then, i went to lunch and i ate awesome food, full of grease and nastiness that never tasted so good. and that's when this story was retold by my guy and he laughed at me for being such a ridiculously, over-dramatic cliche of an artist. he laughed at my whirlwind of emotions and he laughed at my past 18 hours...and, i had to laugh too. because ya know what...ya can't make this shit up. it's me. and the strangest things happen to me...and it's okay. i don't always deal gracefully. but i try. i'll probably never be let out of the house again, but maybe that's for the better...it didn't really work out so well this time anyway.

so, here i sit. listening to all american rejects wishing i could eat without feeling sick, but i think i broke my stomach. and the calm of the night falls on me and i just realize that, because my house has been full of people hours, it's eleven o'clock and i forgot to feed my kid and her friend dinner. i did fill them with warm, homemade, chocolate chip, oatmeal bars as they sat outside on this cool evening building with their lego's--if that counts for anything.

i guess i don't really know what else to say other than, hi :)
((i'm crazy.))

and...you have GOT to be kidding me. just as i go to wrap this post up and right as i scroll down to the little, 'publish post' button, the lyrics that suddenly fill my silence are that of +44, on a random pandora station...

the next time i'll see you you'll turn away.
i'll say hello but you'll keep on walkin'.
next time you see me i'll turn away.
...
i'd only want to make you smile.

yup. haven't heard the song in so long because i skip it every time.

couldn't make it up if i wanted to...

i love life. but...alas, it gets weird sometimes.

shakes ya so bad ya physically tremble.
when you don't see things coming and then you nearly run right into them and the only response your body has is to get so nervous you almost throw up on someone's art.
that's okay though.
i spose.
i mean...i didn't. puke. i just ran out the door and smoked a cigarette and called a best friend who always seems to get it, instead. how she just 'gets' it and is always a speed dial away is amazing. for over half my life she's been that speed dial away. and i hid. that always seems to work too.
and now, i'm breaking my sobriety and have become a smoker apparently.
aargh.
so, i write. as i've done my entire life to somehow try to make something make some sort of weirdo sense.
i write in discombobulated sentence fragments and i feel somehow like me...but like i died and am looking at me as i float away.
wow.
that was a morbid thought.
but...as i drink my brandy and try to collect myself...that's all i see.
and i listen to music. like always.
currently, foster the people. before...it was mumford and before that, well, idk...i don't remember.
i know adele played into my ears this evening at the most perfectly placed, movie soundtrack timing...but, other than that.
yeah.
it's a blur.
i used to be hungry. as i forgot to eat dinner. but, well, that feeling got swallowed up by a million other feelings.
bringing me back to brandy and cigarettes.
life, in the eyes on an artist, in the eyes of me, is insane.
and it does things to you that you don't get.
but make sense.
somewhere.
in the big scheme of things...it's all, well, perfect.

AND...on a totally related note...i went out tonight.
i went out to the art show, in the city and i saw my friend's art, hanging on a wall.
it was perfect.
and i now, have a place to go to, in upstate new york, if i ever want to go.
and i met a guy in a budweiser sweater with a handlebar mustache who played pinball, semi-professionally...as well as the banjo.
and i fit right in.

and...i was asked to never stop doing what i do because i inspire an amazing artist to never stop doing what he does.
artists are so subtlety competitive.

and yeah...i'm gonna go to bed.
i have to be an an art fair in a little bit...

can't i just buy some new sass?

(went out and shot some suburban night life last night...those guys are crazzzzzay...)

so...i'm having this fb issue. it keeps reminding me how much cooler/funnier/wittier/smarter/sharper/etc... i was in 2009. i go to update my status and over in the corner, it tells me what i wrote in 2009 on that exact day...and believe you me, it was always way better than the dribble i am trying to update my status with in 2011. it's giving me a complex.

today...i mentioned it on fb...via status, of course. i snapped and said something along the lines of 'well, according to facebook, i was officially way funnier and cooler in 2009.' and the responses were what you'd expect of a 'honey? does this make me look fat?' question...

one person said, 'oh. it's okay! i still love you in 2011!' and a couple more 'liked' it...which is the equivalent of an internet head nod and another said quite simply, 'agreed. you've lost your edge.' he followed it up with, 'i'm sorry, i'm sure you're still quite charming...hey! i know some great grimy places to go photograph!'

so...as i found myself getting super excited about grimy places (he's a graffiti artist...of course he knows grimy places) i also found myself thinking, yes. he's right. i've lost my edge. i'm rounded. i'm an over-dramatic, rounded, weirdo who's completely depressed, at the moment, about my terribly high levels of lameness. i'm a lame, round, weirdo and i'm so crabby about it. i mean...i know i've been sucky lately with, well, anything remotely social...but this feels like i lost my favorite pound puppy or something. (and i have no clue where that analogy came from.) i mean...i have no reason to be witty or sharp or funny or anything, i guess, because i don't really talk to anyone, but this blog, but whatevs. (yes. this blog is now a person.) seriously. i suck. i need to get less sucky but i have no clue how. guess i stay stuck in sucksville. sucksucksucksucksucksucky.

argh. okay...enough of that. on a totally unrelated note...i had an amazing day thrifting and shopping. i even got cowboy boots. and right now...i'm gonna go back to beading a necklace and watching mystery science theater 3000. it's a good one tonight...giant turtle versus some weird humungous lizard thing all dubbed in english--since it's a japanese flick.

omg. i'm depressed.

and pathetic.

focused. i know, it's weird.

so. after deciding that i'm not going to actually get my dream, downtown, studio for, well, like, possibly ever...i got depressed while looking around.
i live in the burbs.
yes.
it's a sucky place for art-minded individuals to dwell.

i mean, i'm used to being the weirdo who dresses differently and prefers public intoxication over private intoxication and likes blink and dylan and cash over maroon 5, bolton and chesney. i like my yard to be colorful and quirky over matching and, well, bought at kohls and i say things when i shouldn't...but, well, okay, i'll be honest, that's always been an issue i had. basically, i'm a city-looking/acting girl who lives in suburban midwest and i'm actually, totally okay with it...for the first time ever. i love, love, love looking through my lens at city lights and fashion and different walks of life but, well, i'm here, not there.

so, i started thinking...as i do, and i realized that the majority of the photos i see are straight outta the city streets or, well, the countryside--there's a huge chunk missing. the middle class, the 'burbs and that's right where i am. so, while still photographing city and country, i'm going to heavily focus, for this next year, on suburban, midwest living. maybe try to find some shell of rockwell through my lens or maybe not..who knows. i just know that i've needed an 'assignment' for awhile and this is it.

the photos i put up tonight are the first installment...'late summer suburbs'
just everyday life...just, the norm.

on another, artsy note...fall is here. it showed up, at my door tonight. this weekend, i'll be hanging out at a local art show, doing natasha wescoat, inspired projects with kids. then, i'll be checking out a gallery opening, in the city. it looks like a friend's showing and i'm super stoked to go see what new stuff he has...as well as seeing what else is out there. i think i'll go it alone, so i probably won't be there long, but i gotta get out and do something before i start growing out my winter beard. i know. that was a weird thing to say. but hermits have beards. mostly. or lots of cats. and i like beards more than cats...

this one's for the dogs. hah!

(i finally shot through that roll of film...though haven't tried to rewind yet...)

(this is how she stands...before falling in...)

(some of my family, out in the pontoon...)

(the big and little dog)

these are a few shots from the last couple weeks at the lake. labor day found me sitting around in a sweatshirt and jeans all day...so, this weekend's 90-degree temps sent me back up with my kid, her friend and my dogs so we could actually get some swimming in. the kids swam for hours while i got to listen to the game and chat with my dad and family.

the only issue...my dogs. my little dog, i think, has passed his 'outdoors peak'...he's only five but he is literally the equivalent of a k-9 garfield. it's ridiculous...he used to love going up there but now, after he sniffs everything for thirty minutes, he just whines because he doesn't have a soft and comfy spot to lay down a nap. he walks around with a high pitch cry, then flops down in the grass, whines some more, gets up, wanders around and does it all over again. i'd feel terrible leaving him home, but it's so irritating. he's just an indoor dog i guess? maybe he'd be happier at home? he's a beagle so he'll smell everything on my the second i get home from not bringing him to the cabin and i'd feel terrible...then again, maybe he'll be thankful i left him? idk. next time, i'm not thinkin' he's gonna come and i'll see how he takes it when i get home...i'll bring him a hotdog or something--that'll appease the little guy.

then there's the big one. she's awesome and fine with anything...from sleeping on pavement to being wet for hours. (the little dog fears the water as much as cats.) but the big one has this issue where she frequently falls out of boats. she wants to see if there's fish in the water but she always leans over too far and accidentally dives in. i don't know if you've ever tried to get an 85 lb dog back into a boat when it's slippery and they're freaking out, but, it's not fun. at all. (this dog has lived at three different homes in her four years of life. her first home abused her and the other two left her in a kennel more than they let her out. she'd never seen water or even knew what the word 'walk' meant, before coming to live here. so far, 'walk' has become a quick part of her dictionary and water has, well, it's becoming a skill set. she can swim, but it isn't pretty...but she has no fear of water either, hence why leaning over too far isn't that scary for her.) regardless, yesterday, she fell off the paddle boat we were on. getting a dog back up on to metal, when it's wet, sucks. we should have just peddled super fast and made her swim in...but the kids were in charge and were already annoyed that it was so much work in the first place. once i finally got her up, she leaned over to see more fish and almost went in again--that time, i grabbed her.

uhm. i just wrote an entire blog about my dogs. that's pretty much like telling baby stories the whole time you're at a party. well...maybe it's not as bad, but, let's face it, it's pretty lame. on a side note...i'm all excited that this week holds my first thursday off from work. (note to self: come up with a catchy name for this.) i'm actually going to go into work for an hour, or so, because i'm setting up a teacher prep day for volunteers and that'll be the first day of it, so, i want to make sure it all starts well. and i have to go to my other bosses house since i'll be representing the company at an art fair this upcoming weekend and need supplies. but, in between that, i'm going shopping. i want to go thrifting and clearance shopping and find tons of treasures...pretty sure most refer to it as retail therapy--i refer to it as treasure hunting. i'd love new work stuff, like some clothes and a few office-y things plus picture frames and old furniture are also on the list. the thursday after that, depending on the colors, i'm planning to head north, a bit, maybe up by my cabin since it's gorgeous and i decently know the area, with coffee and my camera. i'm tempted to bring the big dog for company but i'll see. the thursday after that, i start teaching art in the afternoon so idk what the day will hold...i just have to be back in the general area by two, so i still have most of the day. i'm excited.

okay. this blog needs to end. i've went from dogs to work schedules and i'm sure you have better things to do than sit here reading, waiting for me to say something important and maybe even funnier than my title. (it was funny. to me.) i do apologize if you feel i've wasted your time but, remember, i don't charge admission...

oh Lord! stuck in lodi again...

so, i did it. i spent a good chunk of the weekend with my camera and i got some great shots. i'll post 'em next time i write. tonight's photo though, is my tribute to back-to-school. it's entitled: 'even the dog's ready for school to start.'

this weekend's highlights though...watching my dad do handsprings and thomas hawk noticing my photos. i mean, the whole weekend was pretty darn good...just those couple of things really stood out :)

k. i'm gonna go watch sons of anarchy...after being told, repeatedly, over time, how badly i need to watch this show, i finally turned it on. it's amazing. yes. everyone was right. it took me just over a week to watch the entire first season and now i'm three episode into season two.

oh. and the photo below is a realization; it was taken this weekend. remember a couple posts ago how i was ranting about being such a recluse? well yeah...one look at this photo and all i saw was the female equivalent of some mountain man, hermit guy; i just don't have a beard--cuz that'd be weird. i just have a lot of crazy, unkept, unbrushed, hair. maybe it's time for a trim...

sigh.

okay. back to SOA. i think i need a motorcycle... hmmm, in which case, the hair works.

it's better than sock and sandals...maybe

so, i like my new job. i like working in a school...i can't wait to get excited about holiday breaks and summer vacation again. i like that i pulled in my first, new, volunteer today and was so happy...as was she. she has a daughter starting kindergarten and it took those first day jitters away from both of them, as now the kindergartener knows she'll get to see mom at school, and mom knows she'll get to check in throughout the day. i like that i don't have a cube, but an office, with a window. those two factors, single-handedly, took that boxed in, negative feeling away--i'm not even slightly worried about it anymore. i like that i re-arranged things today to make it more me and i'm slowly filling my walls with art to make my space brighter. (thanks to the help of my kid on this one...) i like that the jeans i had issues buttoning three weeks ago are now perfectly comfortable. i like that next week, when school starts, i can get my kid on and off the bus everyday and i like that i have one day off during the week to simply have as mine. i like that i'll be teaching art on my off days and i like that i am planning to offer mini photo sessions this fall...just in time for holiday photos.

i don't like that my facebook keeps having my past status updates popping up, reminding my what i was rambling on about on this day in 2009. i mean, i do, kinda...but it's about the last thing my brain needs lately. i don't like that it still feels like summer, i, am ready for fall. i don't like that a week has went by without me working on a single photo project. (i plan to change that this weekend...) and i don't like that i was told by an eight year old that socks and high heels look stupid together. because they don't. they look fine. as long as they match. and the socks aren't bulging out, over the shoes. and they're not plain, white, hanes. and they're not dirty. i tried to convince her of this but she just sat there, giving me 'that look'. then i tried to explain that it looks way better than my how my bright pink nail polish looks next to my red shoes. she still didn't buy it so i grounded her. i mean, she's not my kid, but she pretty much lives at my house 1/4 of the week, most of the time...and i changed her diapers, so i figured that was a good idea. she didn't like that... (*see picture above for illustration*)