this is long. and rambly. again...

well. it's eight thirty on saturday morning. i've been wide awake for an hour, tossing, turning and feeling stressy. i decided to get up, grab a v8 and some oatmeal, head downstairs (i have two sleeping kids in the living room...) and catch up on my morning news. but, when i opened my laptop, my blog page popped up (since it was one of the last things i did before crashing last night...hence the ramblings. oh wait. i always ramble.) and i decided to write out some stressiness instead. which is why i'm back here.

so. i have a friend who's putting me in a tricky spot. again. and it's gonna cause fights. again. and this sucks. again.

when it's just me, i roll with things. i say whatever. and maybe i get annoyed with stuff but it's rarely enough to make me feel actual hurt or anger. and if it does turn into enough to provoke those emotions, then it's big, and then it's dealt with. pain and anger can be constructive, at times, but way more often, they're nothing but destructive emotions. and i figure if i'm feeling angry or hurt too fast, then i'm not coping correctly and i work on myself before allowing those emotions to overtake me. so, i typically roll with things. it feels much more peaceful and peaceful feels so much better than the alternative. on the flip side of that coin, people tell me i get walked on and that i need to say no way more often and people don't understand why i have patience with certain things and consequently, they get frustrated with me.

which, folks, brings me to my current predicament. my guy is getting frustrated with me and the situation because, well, it's happened before and he refuses to do it again. (without saying too much...the situation consists of a friend, with a child, who is making choices in her life that are threatening her career and, when your stories consist of waking up in a house and having no idea how you got there or how to get out...your life too. and i have total patience in knowing she wants companionship and a relationship but getting from someone five years younger than her, who loves to party, lives in a house with five other guys and she's his boss...it isn't a good idea for her or her career, but mostly, her child. a child that has already been introduced to him and a child who is being shipped off weekend after weekend for him. the response though, from her, is that i shouldn't worry...he loves kids. and the response is not too worry...my boss thinks it's cool, he parties with us too. and the response is don't worry...my kid thinks he's awesome. that's the story. in a nutshell.)

today's stress comes from two weekends in a row of changed plans and mistruths. last weekend, we pushed off plans to this weekend because she had to work and needed a sitter. plus, she wanted to get to her work party that night so wanted her kid to spend the night. sure. that worked for me. her child is here tons anyway...nothing abnormal about it. and besides, she was taking my kid the next night so we could have a free night. well, she ended up not having to work but still wanted to go out to her work party. totally fine...we had canceled our plans regardless. so, she dropped him off at noon...for an evening work party. okay. the next day, i get a text asking if we minded watching her kid again so she could go out again that night. i asked why and she assured me she wasn't drinking so she could always come over and get the kids if we wanted the night together. we ended up inviting friends over, since no one had to work the next day plus it would've been a super short night together anyway, and we had a good night despite the plans changing. next day, she comes over to pick up her kid but looked terrible. apparently, she had gotten SO drunk the night before that she woke up in a house, having no clue how she got there or, even where she was. she was thankful someone had left the garage door open though so she could find her way out. i asked how many of her employees saw this and she said only a couple were there.

and now there's this weekend. she has her actual work party now. (still not sure what last weekend was...) we rescheduled plans for this weekend and they've now become an inconvenience for her. she needs to be somewhere by two and we won't be home until three. so, i got a message last night, asking if i minded if she dropped her kid off at someone else's house, 25 miles away from where we'll be, and then we can just go pick him up after we're done, so she can get to where she needs to be. her message tone made it sound like oh! it'll be super easy for you guys! and then no one has to worry! and when i relayed her message, that's when the argument at home started.

i don't want to endorse this. i know asking new guy to do family friendly events each weekend would be unheard of, and there's a reason for that. he's not family friendly. and she has a family. but to already, be putting me in this position...again (this happened a few years ago too, but it went on for years that time along with countless fights with the guy AND with my bff's becausde i kept sticking up for her and having patience.) i do want her to be happy. but i'm seeing her child wondering what's going on. he's in school and child care all week. his weekends are his at home time and now, the last two in a row, he hasn't been at home or with his mom. and it will continue on like this. it did before. and now i get to feel like the bad guy and call her today to say no to picking up her kid across town. i'm falling in line with my guy this time. last time, it was so stressful on me and mega damaging to him and i. i knew he was right then too...but i still fought because i felt the need to stick up for her. this time, i gotta leave her on her own. and i've never done that. but putting myself, and my family under stress because she wants to pretend she doesn't have a child, and won't lose her job, and is still 23...i'm not doing it.

ugh. i highly doubt this makes a lick of sense. but good God, i feel a ton better.

okay. i'm gonna shut up now. maybe my NEXT blog will make more sense...?

yeah.
i know.

send now a.k.a. little, red, metal flag UP

okay. well. after setting up my .com and my twitter and my 'fan page' on facebook...honestly, i'm computer'd out. i think i've done all that makes me cool and trendy and 'marketable' in the cyber world, and i'm cool with that. (also, my eyes are burnin'...so, i have to stop.)

i'm doing all this because, well, that's what you do now-a-days...?

but, i still have you iris.

oh...and i still have the U.S. postal service who will, for .44 cents, deliver hand written, hand made cards, to grandma, 30 miles away... i need to re-connect with you. oh, and vinyl. and cassette's. and polaroids. and FILM. i have you all and i miss you all dearly...

oh! and boomy! i feel you comin' back... where you at boom-skee??

where.
you.
at.
dawg??
(oh yeah...my kid took one of your heads to the 'shape museum' at her school...)

plugola

well, i ended up watching, dial m for murder, instead of a western. i've always wanted to see it and am SO glad i finally watched it. what an awesome movie. tonight, i'm finishing up a made-for-tv flick called, terraces. it was made in '77 and it follows an array of people/couples/stories all set in some apartment building in L.A. it was supposed to be an ongoing, evening soap opera, or something, but never made it past the pilot. i have no idea why!? okay. maybe the acting is lousy. and the stories, slightly cheesy. but it's lighthearted and the characters are pretty darn good! and the clothes. holy smokes. awesome clothes! i wish i had a wardrobe like that now. anyway...that just finished. the ending was happy, so, i'm happy. next up...perry mason: the reckless romeo. and wait, why do you care what random, old show's i'm watching? i hardly care. okay. anyway, the point of this blog, plugging a website....click on the pic to get there and stuff.

cowboys, indians and licorice...

(recent fascination, miniatures. the camera was a gift and the other two were 40 cents at target...i think this is the beginning of a new collection)

what to do on a saturday night that finds me totally flat broke and with two kids runnin around? turn on the current, grab my camera, my laptop, a cup of cold coffee and get some work done! this whole studio/office thing really does come in handy...and lord only knows the work that i need to get done. my website is just about up and running but still needs a few tweaks, a have a shoot that needs to be finished editing, i have cards that need a proofing before hitting the, order now, button and i have some marketing materials that need to be refreshed. plus, i have some thank you cards i'd like to get made, a typewriter that could use some love and a couple old camera's that need a little help. oh. and i'd really like to grab my oils and dirty up some canvas with 'em. creatively, i have endless energy lately. i do love winter for that. today, i gutted and rearranged the main areas in my house, leaving them looking bright and crisp and feeling fresh and inspiring...oh, and then i passed out in a sunbeam :)

tomorrow's creativity is gonna help me complete a few of the above mentioned tasks...hopefully. (i attempted to get a jump start on a few of those things tonight but, instead, i have found myself googling usher and teaching the kids how to 'light paint' with glowing jewelry. *see pics below. and now, well now, i don't wanna work. i wanna do something that i haven't quite figured out yet. maybe a movie? this blog has, at this point, taken me two hours to type out.)

remember that plant i blogged about like forever ago? the one that i needed to water? yeah. that one. well, it's pretty much dead now, since that was officially the last time i watered it. on a more positive note, the rest of my house plants are doing wonderfully. (i just looked over at that dead plant...hence the randomness there. in my world, it wasn't that random at all actually.)

okay. i think that's enough blog tonight. (i recognize when it's time to say when.) hmmm. i think i want to watch an old western. maybe something with john wayne. that sounds great actually! i'll let ya know how that goes...

(just runnin' around till the shutter closes...)

(fire hands nephew...)

(force field nephew and hearty, heart kid)

twenty eleven. welcome.

(this is the boy who has given me h1n1, vomited all over me, gagged me with the smell of his feet, pee'd on me and made me fall flat on my ass in front of thirty people. despite all that, i still really like the kid...)

hey! twenty eleven! good to see ya!

so...i got over the h1n1 fully and threw a party to ring in the new year...a year that i'm already in love with. i needed some friend time, and rock band time, and time with my new flask. i figured that since i missed my bday, halloween AND christmas, it was long overdue. my bff had to work but surprised me by getting the night off and not telling me until after she went so far as to even get in her scrubs. (she loves when i get excited because i jump around and hug and kiss and scream...and then do it all again.) anyway, it was awesome. we played music, and played with the kids, and had great conversation, and met new people, and ate good food, and laughed and then...my lovely bff, fell down my stairs and broke her right ankle AND left foot. she can't walk, can't work, can't drive, basically, she can't do anything anymore. ((sigh)) she's a nurse too...so it's not like she has a comfy desk job to be at; her job REQUIRES her feet.

anyway...this year promises to be good because i am determined to make it that way. last year left so much room for improvement.

in this next year, i would like to:
~take another step toward being my own boss and letting my passion support me.
~eat way closer to the source. (i'm writing this AS i eat pizza rolls but whatevs...monday.) i'm not a dieter but all the preservatives and crap that's in my food is out of control. the less ingredients, the better.
~gain some sort of control with my finances. i just don't remember to pay my bills. if i set up auto withdraw then, i'm fine. but i never do.
~and, with that ^^ being said, i would love to set the goal of doing something the first time i think of it. i procrastinate way too much and i have way too busy of a schedule to give procrastination a voice.
~and finally, work at a relationship. it's an amazing feeling to be working with a partner on something and it's a feeling i've never once known until recently. i come from two generations of divorce so working with someone, as opposed to separating, when things get difficult isn't something i've witnessed first hand. and that's totally okay, i'm just ready to break that cycle. however, figuring out how to do it hasn't come naturally. but, i'm ready and i'm completely willing to do what it takes. and, honestly, i'm excited about it!

so yeah. that's what i want to do in this next year. oh...and also, keep doing whatever it is i'm doing with my kid. she is amazing, and smart, and funny, and talented, and driven, and considerate, and thoughtful and just, all around, wonderful.

i was also thinkin...after being uber-inspired by a budding photographer friend, who just got his first good camera, that i should pick this baby back up, like i used to. shoot a photo daily. blog three times a week. the guy said no, cuz i should really focus on actually paying a bill when i sit down at my computer, as opposed to blogging, and i GET that...but i WANT to blog and take photos. i DON'T want to pay my bills... i gotta think on this one.

sto, ily

ah yes. my first actual outing since last monday (when i got the h1n1 diagnosis), was to the rink. and it was great. and hour and a half of a lung, head and pore clearing workout...plus, i got to hit stuff. it was perfect. other than that...hmmm. yeah. uhm. well, i got my own starship in star trek online, aka, sto. since i didn't get physically to leave the house, or even hang out with anyone (due to mostly being highly contagious and deadly with a cough), i joined the ranks of millions of other geeks and started playing an mmo. and ya know what...i freakin love it. like srsly love it. problem is, i'm too busy for this. i have a website that needs attention asap but all i can think is about how i can squeeze in game time. i'm thinkin twice a week i can spare a couple hours. in fact...wait...what am i doing here? i should be there. i have no kid tonight and i don't have to be at work until six am...so i have like, eight hours to play. heh. just kiddin. really.

this sucks

photo shoots and fun this weekend with friends and family. (see more pics here)

h1n1 on monday.

i'm the first confirmed case in two years in my area. i have parts of me hurting that i never knew existed...random skin in the middle of my back, joints in my hips and my lungs. my lungs are on fire. and ya'd think sleep would feel good but laying in bed makes me hurt more than it feels good.

five-ten days...quarantined basically. goodbye kid's christmas party at school, goodbye christmas present making with MY class and goodbye christmas, period. i already lost my 30th bday and halloween due to strep and sinus infection...and now christmas. i think i'm gonna sit back and let the depression sink in now.

i just pray my kiddo stays healthy...