i had to write...i know you'll be mad

i had a panic attack to the likes of which i haven't had in years last night. it came on quick and took me away quicker. i should have felt it coming enough to recognize it but i didn't and this morning, my chest still feels as if i were kicked by the steel-toed, size 12 boot of a construction worker. every breath i take reminds me of all the breaths i couldn't take last night. the tears are still fluid even after a night of drying up and my body feels like the flu is trying to move in. my mind is trying to remember what it looks like to be normal so i took care of my hair and put on a gray sweatshirt and blue jeans but that's the best i can do right now. i'm making some strong coffee as i type to hopefully attack the fuzz in my brain but i'm not sure anything is strong enough for that this morning. i'm hoping for the drop of soap in greasy water effect but i'd settle for light breeze on a leaf covered ground...it'll get there eventually.

i have music on that reminds me of everything and nothing all at once and i'm stuck somewhere in between where i am and who i am, and i don't know how to move, and i don't know how to stay and i don't know anything these days--all of the energy i have left is focused on my little one; she's the only thing i seem to be wanting to focus on and the only thing i seem to be any good at, at all.

i'm trying to swim but i'm pretty sure i've already drowned but me, being me, won't admit that, i'll just keep swinging until i get knocked out--probably by something i've knocked off a shelf all on my own. and when it's all about you, how could you even imagine it might be about me? how can you see me when all you see is you? i keep changing and morphing and becomming to keep things and look at me...i'm a mess, but it's still all about you and all i'm not. i still keep hiding behind masks and changing my colors and i'm so far gone, and so deep down, that i don't know where to even start to get back out. like clawing my way through mud, slipping more than progressing, and it's my fault, and i know, but i hoped you'd do the same for me, the little things...not the big. i don't need the big. like way back then, when you were like that and when we met; but now, even deep in your eyes, you're not there and you fault me for still being there--i'm not still that person, i have become so much more, but it's not what you want me to be, so, it's not enough. but i can't change in this one way...especially after all of the little things i've asked for, for years, that you won't even sway gently my direction on--yet, you'll yell at me about my simplicity and complexity, all at once, and blame me for being difficult.
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i have nothing else to say. i'm just staring, listening to box car racer (will i shake this off, pretend it's all ok that there's someone out there who feels just like me, there is...), thinking that i've been online an hour when i only should have been here for 30, but i can't find the road...

if i could, i'd only want to make you smile...

( my awesome new coffee mug...SO me. SO cool...makes coffee taste EVEN better... oh. and frames and computer are back in business. yay :) )

"i've been drunk for about a week now, and i thought it might sober me up to sit in a library."
-f. scott fitgerald

and, on the flip side: i've been a fool now for most of my life, and i thought it might wisen me up to do some reading.

i'm gonna hit up f. scott fitgerald. i like his stuff. from what i've read so far. starting the great gatsby tonight as well as a book with a bunch of his short stories/essays. i love that new book excitement i get.

so...

(delete)

(delete)

((major delete))

ah yes...the insight you just gained from reading this. i know. it's incredible. sorry...

someday i'll post it all. maybe...

nothin man...just nothin...

he says solemnly, "i've been reading over the last year and some months of your blog and it's become quite apparently i don't inspire you. i don't think i make you much more than content...mildly happy at most."

i think quietly, "you haven't read or seen a think i've done in over a year...? how can you expect to inspire someone..."

*sigh*

can't return me cause once you bought it...

yeah. so, there's some days that, believe it or not, i even look down and wonder what the hell it is that i'm wearing. this morning...while dropping my kid off at school i wore something that would have caused me, at my kids age, to possible never want to be seen with me again. i have a friends sweatshirt on. it's a black guiness beer sweatshirt that's only a little too big...it's warm though. that's what i was going for. then, then there's the bright red, two sizes too big, sweatpants that i also, maybe slept in. my not showing yesterday left my hair, well...let's just say, a tad bit messed up--so, i threw on a brown fedora. oh! then, there's the boots. near knee high brown, fur boots that pushed the red sweat pants up to my knees, causing them to bunch up quite nicely. and, to top it all off, my favorite navy blue poofy vest that i broke the zipper off last week...it's ok though...the pin on it has two cats on it and says, 'keep smiling.'

i'm gonna go shower now. and drink some coffee. i have this delicious coffee from a friend that i'm so excited to sip away on. also, i have to get to the dmv...the whole new license thing. i'm not gonna wear clothes that make it look like i escaped from a mental hospital this time. for the last four years my license has made me look like i should be hospitalized. (one drunk night, a friend looked at it, laughed till he cried, showed everyone else, got them laughing too, and then told me why. now...i just point it out to people to save myself the embarrassment. i have yet to have someone even slightly disagree.) so, what's the appropriate level of fixing you should do to yourself when getting a new license picture taken. i mean, i don't want to go all glamour shots or anything (do they still have those places btw?) but i do want to look better than last time. then again, most of the time, when i show my license, i am lookin all good and stuff...at the bar and stufffff. then again, again, when some cop finds me peeing in an alley behind the bar after bitching out the bartender for cutting me off because i maybe fell over while dancing and took out the shot girl...i'm not gonna be lookin all hot and stuff then...(that has NEVER happened btw. i am strictly speaking in hypothetical terms...)

ok. i'm stalling...

you know you make me feel so real...

(these 'fall' photos feel much more wintery...guess i'm plannin ahead or something)

i feel pretty ok today. wonder why...?

here's a list of all the could be's...
maybe it's the wine currently in my blood.
or the time i spent with my camera.
or the day i spent doing nothing but watching charles in charge reruns and eating halloween candy and then napping until i just couldn't nap anymore.
or the scattered conversation i had with a friend that made me smile more than any other conversation that i've had in awhile--even the long, un-scattered conversations.
or the fish sticks i ate, cuz i love fish sticks.
or the cranberry sauce...the kind that when it plops out of the can, still looks like the can. i love that kind the most.
or the fact that i really just don't feel like showering today, so i'm not.
or because i'm watching law and order, one of my favorite shows ever. (though, i know i shouldn't watch it while home alone...like i'm doing currently. i always freak out and become convinced there's a serial murderer/rapist in my house.

(i can't get don't phunk with my heart, OUT of my head. i mean it's ok...and good thing i like the song and all. in fact, it's one of my favorite ever black eyed peas songs but it's ALL i keep hearing...i guess this is better than the three days straight of boom boom pow. those darn black eyed peas and their AWESOME beats... oh. i brought this up in regards to my title today. really. it wasn't THAT random...really.)

i wish i could write as mysterious as a cat -poe

train of iris thought goes like this:

feeling so many things in life currently. so many things that are so much more than i can handle. searching for clarity. searching for answers. so confused...

listening to owl city. loving the music. wondering about my connection to their other songs. searching lyrics. loving what i find. start searching other lyrics to other songs of other bands that i feel the connection with.

realizing, that it's all been felt and done before. realizing that owl city is so shallow compared to the depths of what's been written and felt before. thinking that song lyrics are all simply poetry put to notes. start searching classic poetry. assuming classic poets and poetry became classic due to the fact that there is a connection felt by many, throughout time. it must be the answer to all that's wrong and right all at once.

can't get into poetry. as usual. keep trying. can't connect. break it down. start searching poetry quotes. suddenly, connecting. suddenly smiling. suddenly needing to read the whole thing...

i know i won't find the exact answer. i know i'll find something though. some normalcy maybe, some entertainment maybe, or maybe just some temporary solace in it all. regardless, it's all i feel i have to put any sort of faith in lately...


((in the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. ~walt whitman))

i'm out

(no frames for a bit. my laptop got in the way of some people shot gunning beers the other night. and yes, then i chopped off all their heads...ooooh, that sounded bad. i didn't chop of the beer guzzling idiots' heads. i cut off all the gummy bear's heads)

went for a long ride to clear my head. turned up the music as so i couldn't hear my thoughts. i just drove. called, talked to a friend, a partner in crime of mine. usually it helps. today, it didn't. thought about heading downtown to see him, normally that cures it all, always has. this time i said no and just kept driving the other way. didn't know this was all gonna happen like this. had i, i doubt i woulda changed a thing...i spose.

all the coffee tastes bitter. i can't drink it. all the notes sound so sour. i don't wanna listen. i just want to go. lay down. and sleep off this hangover. and i do know...i know this is all for the better and it's the right thing to do and all those words that go along with saying goodbye but it doesn't dull the pain of all this reality. now, before things cross any lines. now, after it's only been four weeks of conversation. now, is better than later for so many reasons--i get it. taking one for the team...totally the right thing to do.

i feel like i'm missing something. i am. i'm missing this part of my daily routine and i get it. i really do. and i'm not angry. not even a little. i'll deal, just like i always do. it's what i'm good at. in fact, half the shock in all of this is the fact that i'm taking this like this at all. i had no idea this would be such a loss of wind. i know it's not permanent. but there's no end in sight. every ding. every pop. and it's always someone else who gets a disappointed hello. and i could make the excuse to reach out. i still have stuff to give back but, right now, it's not the time. it defeats the purpose entirely.

so. for the next few days. i'm gonna make myself focus elsewhere. like, really focus on focusing too. i think i have too. if i don't, i'll lay in bed. alone. with my computer. staring aimlessly at the ceiling in-between completing sentences. (so, basically, exactly what i'm doing now.) yeah. i'm gonna try to write. or photograph. and, at least, try not to become dormant.

sigh.

i guess, if it was easy and uncomplicated...it just wouldn't be me...