i wish i could write as mysterious as a cat -poe

train of iris thought goes like this:

feeling so many things in life currently. so many things that are so much more than i can handle. searching for clarity. searching for answers. so confused...

listening to owl city. loving the music. wondering about my connection to their other songs. searching lyrics. loving what i find. start searching other lyrics to other songs of other bands that i feel the connection with.

realizing, that it's all been felt and done before. realizing that owl city is so shallow compared to the depths of what's been written and felt before. thinking that song lyrics are all simply poetry put to notes. start searching classic poetry. assuming classic poets and poetry became classic due to the fact that there is a connection felt by many, throughout time. it must be the answer to all that's wrong and right all at once.

can't get into poetry. as usual. keep trying. can't connect. break it down. start searching poetry quotes. suddenly, connecting. suddenly smiling. suddenly needing to read the whole thing...

i know i won't find the exact answer. i know i'll find something though. some normalcy maybe, some entertainment maybe, or maybe just some temporary solace in it all. regardless, it's all i feel i have to put any sort of faith in lately...


((in the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. ~walt whitman))

i'm out

(no frames for a bit. my laptop got in the way of some people shot gunning beers the other night. and yes, then i chopped off all their heads...ooooh, that sounded bad. i didn't chop of the beer guzzling idiots' heads. i cut off all the gummy bear's heads)

went for a long ride to clear my head. turned up the music as so i couldn't hear my thoughts. i just drove. called, talked to a friend, a partner in crime of mine. usually it helps. today, it didn't. thought about heading downtown to see him, normally that cures it all, always has. this time i said no and just kept driving the other way. didn't know this was all gonna happen like this. had i, i doubt i woulda changed a thing...i spose.

all the coffee tastes bitter. i can't drink it. all the notes sound so sour. i don't wanna listen. i just want to go. lay down. and sleep off this hangover. and i do know...i know this is all for the better and it's the right thing to do and all those words that go along with saying goodbye but it doesn't dull the pain of all this reality. now, before things cross any lines. now, after it's only been four weeks of conversation. now, is better than later for so many reasons--i get it. taking one for the team...totally the right thing to do.

i feel like i'm missing something. i am. i'm missing this part of my daily routine and i get it. i really do. and i'm not angry. not even a little. i'll deal, just like i always do. it's what i'm good at. in fact, half the shock in all of this is the fact that i'm taking this like this at all. i had no idea this would be such a loss of wind. i know it's not permanent. but there's no end in sight. every ding. every pop. and it's always someone else who gets a disappointed hello. and i could make the excuse to reach out. i still have stuff to give back but, right now, it's not the time. it defeats the purpose entirely.

so. for the next few days. i'm gonna make myself focus elsewhere. like, really focus on focusing too. i think i have too. if i don't, i'll lay in bed. alone. with my computer. staring aimlessly at the ceiling in-between completing sentences. (so, basically, exactly what i'm doing now.) yeah. i'm gonna try to write. or photograph. and, at least, try not to become dormant.

sigh.

i guess, if it was easy and uncomplicated...it just wouldn't be me...

so, yeah...

(so sweet. love <3)

so, yeah...(ya know...i start every sentence/thought with that lately. so, yeah. i just never know where i'm going with anything anymore.)

so, yeah...uh, here i am. eatin a romaine lettuce, cheese, mayo and garlic salt sandwich and watching charles in charge. it seems to be my comfort lately. makes me all happy and stuff so i'm sticking with it.

so, yeah...i don't really know what to say. i mean, i want to write. and i'm doing good privately, but this whole public thing when everything feels really private, isn't working for me. all that's on my mind lately are 'defining moment' thoughts and i can't write 'em out yet.

so yeah...i do know i'm definitely not eating enough, sleeping enough or thinking enough. i'm just doing and smiling and humming. i'm not entirely sure what's wrong with that but i feel guilty i'm not miserable enough. if that makes any sense.

so, yeah...

night and day

if i could photograph the sunny day,
if i could photograph the conflicting sounds,
if i could photograph the blurring colors,
if i could photograph the empty feelings,
if i could photograph the dark night...

i would.
but this is one thing that i can't capture.




honestly, i'm not sure i would--even if i could.

chirp

ok. so. sometimes, in my life (i know...this'll be hard to believe), i just end up feeling way more questioney than answery. (i know those probably aren't words, btw. sometimes, it's just easier to make up my own though. like tonight. my brain's all clogged up with questions...there isn't much room in there to figure out that whole english language thing...)

ya know. here i am. whining cuz i'm all full of questions and stuff but all that confusion doesn't even compare to the level of happy i am. i just am lately. i'm feeling 'got'. and i'm feeling like ME...like seriously, i'm remembering things that made me happy...things i've forgotten. i'm waking up remembering old favorite foods, the way i ate my oatmeal, the things that i really loved doing and the feelings of complete comfort that went along with them all. i'm thinking more like how i always remember thinking. i'm sleeping awesome. my dreams aren't like they were by any means...they're fun again. i'm feeling more like me than i have in YEARS. all these things that are flooding back to me...triggered by one chance event. i'm feeling so insane in all this but for the first time in forever, not bad insane. just regular old me insane. my gaurd is so down...and you're not giving me that look. you're not calling me crazy. you're not telling me how weird i am. you're not walking away because you have no idea what to say. you just get it. i am so in love with me again...and i only have you to think.

big bug...like a spider. can't ignore...

(why quack?? why...)

all right. so, if you've been around this side of the web for awhile and followed anything i've written in these past coupleish years (also, i apologize if you have)...then you will know wholeheartedly my struggles with many things...mostly, sobriety and cubes.

anyway, so. yeah. ok. see, i don't even know where to go with this. ok...well, here goes. (disclaimer:: i am sorry for any offense that will inevitably be taken by reading this. i am not a complainer about individual people. i love all peeps. everyone brings something to to the table...it's your mind that lets you enjoy it or not. so, when you open that thing up and let it actually BE the person you're with...it makes everyone, at most, absolutely, down-to-the-core, i think i'm in love, amazing...and, at least, entertaining for the time being. all-in-all, everyone is pleasantly palatable. oh, and i'm not complaining about anyone in specific...just peeps as a whole.)

so, i went back to my old place of employment. it's like moving back home after being out on your own...you know it's the best idea. you know it's healthy. you know it's easy. you know it's safe and you know it'll be a great place to establish yourself again. however, when you walk back into your parents place, suitcase in one hand, crushed dreams in the other and all you can smell is the putrid smell of defeat emanating from your mom's oven. (a.k.a, meatloaf. yes. mom's meatloaf is exciting...but it's not the new thai place down the road from your old apt that you hadn't quite had the chance to try yet exciting. it's not midnight movie theatre popcorn exciting. it's not a spur of the moment, road trip, little cafe exciting...nope. it's the same thing you've been eating all your life. and you smile and you feel thankful, but you don't feel that smile inside...you feel failure. that's your ego talking...and for a girl without that much of an ego...mine sure is loud lately.)

yeah. the job i speak of is that fresh out of high school one. the one i had when i didn't know what i was doing in and with my life. the one i had when my biggest care in the world was how my ass looked in my work pants (ok...that maybe still ranks up there in the top five things i care most about...don't judge). the one i had when i had all these plans for all i'd be doing by the exact age i am now...but alas, here i am. i'm back there. it turns out that all i thought i wanted to be doing, i hated. it turns out that what i should have done in the first place, i had figured out by the time i was six--but ignored because of what other people said.

so, i'm back where i started. i can't figure out if i feel more like i failed; or, if i feel more like i'm finally starting shit off right; or, if i feel like this whole thing is one giant cop out. i guess all that can really be said for anything in life--is that right now, at this moment, i'm right where i'm supposed to be... (that was my moment of faith for the day, btw...)

hey! there wasn't anything offensive in there! i guess i just didn't want to sound all holier than thou, or superior, or snotty, or anything...and i didn't! i didn't even try not to. it just happened. i was accidentally nice. i rock.

(((p.s. i refuse to edit my blog tonight. after staring for so long at these words...trying to make my feelings make any sense at all...i just quit. that's right...take that you misplaced semi-colon and you, missing comma...screw you ALL.)))

m & m's

so, i found a new, incredible, candy. i have been eating a ton of it lately...like, well, it's pretty much all i eat. but it's not making me sick or anything...in fact, i'm only liking it more. it's almost all of what i've always hoped to find, mixed into one, and it's making me feel really good. i'm pretty sure it can't be good thing that i'm so addicted to this, i mean...i'll stop before i get a stomach ache and all...well, i'll slow down anyway...but right now...i feel like i've found it.

for the first time in my life, after i figured i was the one and the only one, it's here and i'm here, and it's good. yeah. my last, major favorite i found, was pineapple flavored soda. that was a LONG time ago, and i still cherish it...so, i think i'll be good...i know i will actually...