just...shut...up!

(the framing is awful. when i drink wine...it happens...)

so, do you ever say something that comes out sounding so awful and insane and dysfunctional, and then, when you try to deny it, are all of a sudden like, yeah...can't fight that one, guess it's the truth.

OH! and THEN, when you look at the person you were talking to they're just staring at you--with their jaw dropped to their chest?

no?

well, i did--last night. and, i've done it a few times recently. and, it is for THAT reason, that i've decided to pause for at least 2 complete seconds before speaking, from here on out, forever. it might look strange as i stare blankly at you after you ask me how my day was, but i think it's probably for the better.

the newly enacted two-second rule would have saved a lot of ridicule and embarrassment on my end last night. and maybe i wouldn't feel like such an outsider. *sniff, sniff*

i'm so ready for bed

(story of my life: lost and rainy)

just wondering why you have to be you right now. or, for that matter, why i have to be me. been writin this way for a long time...never found the answer. not yet. maybe someday. for now though, i soak up the inspiration and i let the creativity swell in me. don't have a lot of time to let it burst so it mostly festers, but i like it. keeps me feelin sane in the real world, though there's not a whole lot sane about you, or about us. gotta pull my head out of the clouds...gotta keep my feet on the ground.

wow. i need to snap out of all this funk i'm in. seriously. i'm talking like i'm serious about something or something. i need to find my way back to whining about the ridiculous outfit i decided on at 6 am, when it was still dark out, and it seemed like a good idea at the time and about the fights in parking lots with kindergaten dads in mini vans.

right now...i think i should just get a good night sleep. i think my tired mind is losing its mind.

spring in the air

tonight i got the spring excitement. never had it before spring though...feels like the night before your birthday when you were little. (not quite like the night before christmas, that excitement is huge.) i've only ever had that feeling with the first smell of fall in the air...that's a deep excitement.

tonight, i was standing in my newly, cleared-of-all-dog-poop, yard when it hit. the spring excitement.

i don't even undestand this...

(hopefully the last snow of the year. maybe spring'll snap me out of this...i really don't think so)

well. guess i'm writing tonight. it's been hard minus my laptop.

been coastin through life this past week on nothin but the wing of a hippie spirit and a few too many cigarettes. i'm not even sure where the days went. been trying to feel healthy both inside and out but that's just too healthy for me and it leaves me feelin cranky all over. i've made a couple deciscions i'm confused by but expect nothing less of who i am inside. i'm shootin for the star of morality but keep gettin lost in the cloudy grey fog of my reality. i'm trying to be a better person but i don't really, deep down, understand what's wrong with me in the first place. by the looks and stares and uncomfortable sighs, there must be a lot though. maybe selfish, maybe real, maybe stupid, maybe naive...don't know. gotta figure it all out though cuz my mind is going fast.

if i get stoned and sing all night long, it's a family tradition

(this was it. this was the majority of what i accomplished...the dream of having a physical portfolio is still just that, a dream--as i stalled out due to needing a few more things and needing different sizes of a few other things and i started it all WAY too late in the weekend to even have time to rectify that...)

i had goals this weekend, man. like real, looking-into-the-future kind of goals. i had dreams and plans, man...

i decided to get drunk instead.
god, i'm a loser.

i guess there were benefits to my drunkenness. i was social until two a.m. one night and four a.m. the next night. hell, normally, i'm just layin around asleep at those hours...bein all lazy and stuff...

welcome back me!

(the below mentioned wine...)

so i guess i'm back to blogging. everyday i'm like, hmmm...i really do miss spewing openly about stuff no one really needs to know about but i just don't have the time, but i really do miss it, but i just don't have the time, blah, blah, blah...

well, i think i need to shut up and make the time because i'm becoming consumed by a cube as of late. i hate it. i don't belong in a box. something in my life still needs to flow free dammit.

my last time around with this whole blog thing ended on a pretty negative note i feel. i let work get in the way of my word flow and it killed it...just like it's killing me. *choke, choke, gag, gag, choke, cough...dead.* damn. already, before i even have a chance to lay down the new rules of the blog, i'm breaking a new rule. well, i spose it doesn't count if that rule hasn't been made yet though, right? right.

ok...before i break more unwritten rules, here they are...

1) NO WORK HERE! i commute roughly 275 miles, spend 40 hours in a cube and take a home an incredibly disappointing pay check each week. the last thing i need to do is dwell about work in my free time. i need to escape it a bit. so, NO WORK HERE. this is going to be a challenge for me though as it is something i am stuck in, but i need to forget about work...not me.

2) this is MY blog. period. i have held back in writing before because i don't want to offend or hurt or anyone or make anyone think i'm too crazy. but really? since when did i become so lost in everyone else, work included in this, to stop WRITING for me? granted yes, if it's really personal, it's not gonna be here but the rest of it...well, just because i'm a lot of things to a lot of people, doesn't mean i'm not still a 28 year old female living with the same emotional value of any single 28 year old female. sure, some stuff is different but i sure as hell still have my own thoughts. and damn, do i have my own thoughts.

3) i write to get through shit. i have for as long as i can remember. in grade school, it was stick drawings; in middle school it was notes to my bff's detailing intimate details of everything that is retarded now; in high school it was in notebooks scattered throughout my room filled with crappy poetry; in college it was e-mails to myself while waiting for class or procrastinating and now it's a lousy blog. i don't care if anyone reads it but to keep me moving forward with my photography and wading through my emotions; i need to feel like there's an audience to keep me going. it's so damn easy for me to get lazy. i HATE the nights when i get home, grab a glass of wine, eat some food, get the kid ready for school, get myself ready for work, hop on facebook to chat with people i haven't had the time to physically connect with in a long time and then go to bed. then, i either fall asleep or stay up way too late and get up and do it all over again the next day. it's pathetic but it's apparently the norm. i refuse to make it mine...there is nothing 'norm' about me. some people love that life and are content with that. i am SO not. i get bored. i freak. i get all self-destructive and restless and do not-so-smart things. so here i am. back to the blog.

4) last time, i started off with...oh! i am going to write everyday! take a new photo everyday! i am going to be totally bloggeriffic!! then, seeing how that was impossible if i wasn't on crack, which i'm not...i changed it to something like this...oh, yeah...i'll try to write a few times a week but still take a photo to post everyday...maybe...*sigh*. well, this time, i am still gonna shoot for that 3 times a week writing and 5 days a week with a photo. i have been shootin tons since i left the blogger world so i have lots of cool stuff and i can't wait to be motivated with the camera again, like i was for awhile there.

5) oh. and i probably picked the worst time to start this whole blog thing seeing how my lap top is broken. my guy spilled a whole glass of the a fore mentioned wine on it. i have other means of computer usage so i'm not worried. i just don't want to wait anymore to start this. i keep putting it off. i have the inspiration now. it should really happen now then, i guess.

all right. with all these disclaimers, i really feel like i need to make this blog spectacular and have really important stuff to say. i don't though. in fact, tomorrow, i was planning to talk about the hundreds of tootsie rolls i've consumed since christmas...

i say hello...hello, hello...

i knew this was going to happen. i knew it. i knew i wouldn't make it a year. i came way closer than i thought i was gonna though. it seems like a super long time since i last wrote...it's only been a couple of weeks i guess.

here. let me fill you in on some of the highlights of what i've been up to...

-i got in a fight with a dad in my kids kindergarten parking lot. he couldn't count and was angry at me cuz i could. there were no punches thrown but damn i wanted to...there were just lots of words and middle fingers.

-shy guy the mouse died. i thought my kid would freak. as it turns out she really didn't care. she was like, 'hey! let's have a shy guy party and celebrate his lucky little mousy life. can we draw pictures and eat snacks?' i was like, 'eh, why not. let's have ice cream.' then she said she can't wait till the dog dies so we can have a huge party.

-i fell down a flight of stairs. i do this on a seasonal basis. it will be the death of me someday. no one directly saw but when i got up and yelled fuck, i realized i was right in front of a video camera.

-i puked at work. i think it was the warmed up cheese and mayo sandwich mixed with a glass of wine and a heating blanket that got me. the puking happened shortly after i fell down the stairs btw. oh, and all this happened on desert party day at work...even the thought of cheese cake was enough to make me gag.

-i had an employee quit when i really needed her, which caused a mini melt-down. when i called my teammate [in this fucked up job i got stuck with] crying and nearly hyperventilation, she just laughed at me. i love mean people. i felt all better. mean is like a band-aid to me.

-i discovered just how cold it is to move someone into a new home when it's ten degrees. and believe me...according to my fingers whom thawed some three hours later, it is COLD.

-i had a dream that made me furious to wake up from. that's never happened to me before. my alarm went off JUST as the good part was heppening. i attacked my alarm clock, tried to fall asleep as fast as possible, got pissed cuz i couldn't find the dream again and then just got up.

-i managed to dress homeless all week. seriously, at six a.m. i'm certain green stripes and brown and red plaid really do match. and then, at nine o'clock, while sitting in my cube, i realize that they REALLY don't. same thing with a black faded t-shirt with a white camera painted on it, a yellow sweater and a bright red skirt that looked like something june cleaver would don...

those are the major things...i think. i've been doing lots of baking but mostly lots of working. my house is a pit right now but the kid is at a sleep over so damned if i'm cleaning it tonight. i'm going to go drink some more wine...but skip the cheese sandwich this time...and enjoy my messy house.